Would you tell on a cheating friend?

Tracey - posted on 10/05/2010 ( 17 moms have responded )

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A situation I found myself in, wondered how others would react. My friend's husband had an affair. He told me and introduced me to the "other woman" but they asked me not to tell my friend as he felt his marriage was dead and was preparing to leave his wife.
My husband felt we should stay out of it and just be ready to support my friend when he left.
The couple split up and several years later he is with the other woman and they have 2 kids whereas my friend is single and still very upset by the whole affair.
What would you do?

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Sharon - posted on 10/05/2010

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i read the subject and answered w/o reading the post.

1. Yes I would tell ON a cheaing friend.
2. I would tell a friend she was being cheated on. Asshole could bring all kinds disease to her. If she hates me, so be it.
3. In your friends case, say nothing.

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Elizabeth - posted on 10/08/2010

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I was in that position a few years ago. I saw my friends boyfriend kissing another woman and told her about it. I made the decision to tell her knowing that she may never talk to me again. Some rumors went around after that and we didn't talk for a while. Than I saw her boyfriend out and tried to ignore him as I thought he would tell me off etc for telling on him. he instead asked how i was doing and vise versa, i asked how my friend was doing and he said you can go see her or call her. So I went to see her at her job and we talked. It turned out fine for us and we're still friends and she worked it out with her boyfriend :)

Just hope your friend doesn't find out that you knew all along.

Dana - posted on 10/05/2010

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I would have told her. He shouldn't have put you in that position, since he let the cat out of the bag, he should have been ready to face reality.



*Edited to add* I surely wouldn't tell her now, though!

Heather - posted on 10/05/2010

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My stance on this subject is keep your mouth shut. I don't care if he screwed the girl in front of you. It's none of your business what's going on in their relationship. Unless it's endangering a child or someone's being abused, no one outside of a marriage should be informing a spouse about cheating. There are some cases where it's very blatant, such as the OP, but there are others where someone outside the marriage just THINKS there might be cheating. The best policy is to just keep your mouth closed and be there for your friend if their marriage dissolves. In the end it's really no one else's business what's going on in someone else's marriage and certainly not your place to insert yourself into their marital problems. But that's just my opinion. ;)

[deleted account]

If he confided in you because he was your friend and NOT because you caught them out on the town I would have probably have given him a dead line...and NOT in a few months or when the time is right, after the holidays kinda crap...like I'll be out w/in the week! There tends to be 1 person in a couple that brought you all together...if you were THAT close w/her then I probably would have told her...but have a feeling it would have been more like, *caught him cheating and told him I was driving to her house RIGHT NOW to tell her what a scum she married and if he had any manhood left he'd go there NOW and tell her before I did! I'd go and make sure too!!!* I'm kind of a bitch though...so I wouldn't really tolerate that soo much! Def. wouldn't say anything NOW!

[deleted account]

Yes I would. Regardless of which spouse is doing the cheating. If you don't have the strength to end your marriage BEFORE you start screwing someone else... well, then you aren't worth the respect of keeeping quiet. I also couldn't remain friends w/ that person unless the cheating ended.

I would hate to be the one to tell my friend that they were being cheated on since they may hold me 'responsible' for causing them pain, but I know I wouldn't remain friends w/ someone who knew that kind of secret and DIDN'T tell me so I would be the friend that I expect others to be.

My personal situation colors the strength of how I feel about this subject, but only a little. I've had these opinions for a LONG time.

Serena - posted on 10/05/2010

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I guess it would have depended on close of a friend this person was. It sounds like she couldn't have been that close, that her then husband believed he could confide in you. Maybe he wanted you to say something so he didn't have to.
I know that there must be guilt eating at you to have you pondering this years later, but I think your husband was right to stay out of it. Often times, we try to do the right thing and it ends up blowing up in our face. What about taking her on a girls night out?

[deleted account]

At this point, it's been long enough that if you tell her now, it will only hurt her. If I were you, I would have told her as soon as I found out. I mean, if I found out that one of my friends' husbands were cheating and if I had actually met the person they were cheating with? No question. I would have maybe taken a day or two to collect my thoughts and find the softest way possible to say it...but my friend deserves the truth and that's just how I see it. It literally would have kept me up at night if I had been keeping a secret like that from my friend.
In your situation though, I wouldn't tell her now. It's too late. Too much time has gone by and if you told her now it would only hur her further. Your job now is to help her to move on. Be her friend now. Plus, if you tell her now, she'll be angry with you for knowing and not telling her. I know I would.

Sharon - posted on 10/05/2010

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My friend was the cheater. Well, I can't call her a friend. She hung out with us because she was the free lay for the guys in the group. We had no respect for her. She didn't like being married to her husband any more because she'd seen "real men" ie the Marines I hung out with versus her short slender bookish Air Force husband. She immediately grabbed onto the guy who was in the process of a divorce. We were all disgusted. She was clingy, posessive, talking about MARRIAGE to a guy who got a divorce becuase he wanted to be single again. He told her straight up he wasn't interested in a relationship and began taking phone numbers of other girls. She lost it. In a month she was pregnant.

However - prior to that I had told her I wouldn't back her in her in cheating. To not involve me. Her husband liked me because I was one of the more stable girls in the group. I could talk to him without flirting etc. I liked him. He was strong willed guy who loved his wife & daughter and wanted to do nothing more than give them an indulgent life in a secure environment.

One night he calls me up and says "Its really not fair that your breakup with your boyfriend, robs me of my wife." WTF? I said, "I have no idea what you're talking about, he's right here next to me, go check the barracks for your wifes car." I felt bad I'd been so blunt but it was like 2 am.

Later I found out she'd been spending nearly all her nights away from home while blaming it on me and my so called unstable relationship. I laid it out for him. he lost it. I testified on his behalf during the divorce, I testified on his behalf for custody of the kids. She lost EVERYTHING and she fucking deserved it. Stupid whore.

He took back after she cheated on him with the marine, he took her back when she decided to keep the baby and he gave the baby his last name, he was an awesome man and she was nasty and I regret nothing. She lost her husband, car, kids, home and had to move in with her parents who she dragged out of Texas to Arizona with the promise that they could live her on the AirForce base in safety & comfort - a luxury compared to what they had before. Instead they were living in the mexican drug barrios in the cheapest and nastiest apartment and I laughed at her.

Sara - posted on 10/05/2010

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No. I think you're husband is right. What would be the point in telling her you knew now? It would only hurt her more, IMO.

Kimberly - posted on 10/05/2010

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If you didn't say anything THEN, I sure wouldn't bring it up NOW. What good will it bring to the situation? She might resent you for not telling her about it while it was going on.



I sure as heck would have told her back when it happened if it was my very close friend. I wouldn't want anyone keeping that from me.



Edited to add: But if the shoe were on the other foot and my friend was the one doing the cheating, I would council her to either leave or get it together, but would keep my mouth shut.

Stifler's - posted on 10/05/2010

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I wouldn't tell. I've told someone before and lost the friendship because of it and if he really is leaving why break her heart even more by revealing that he was cheating etc. If he wasn't leaving and was just bragging about cheating I'd probably tell her as chances are he was telling you so you'd tell her.

LaCi - posted on 10/05/2010

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If my friend were being cheated on, I'd tell them. If my friend was doing the cheating, I'd probably keep my mouth shut-although I'd say something to them.

Although the situation is more complicated when you're friends with both, then it's a toss up, but in that type of situation I'd prefer they just never tell me.

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