You SLUT! Hooray!

[deleted account] ( 26 moms have responded )

As a requested spinoff from the "Wait 90 days" thread, this is about us sluts.

All through history men have been allowed, nay encouraged, to have sex with as many people as they like. They NEED to "sow their wild oats" before they settle down. As they wrack up the notches on their bedpost, titles like "stallion" or "stud" are given to them. When a man gets caught being "a dog", like Tiger Woods, we can reason away that he has an addiction and needs help. At some point in the hundreds or thousands is when a man's sexual conquest title becomes slightly derogatory. He's a "dog". You know,one of those warm, furry animals we love to cuddle and care for. Yeah, man's best friend. Oh, that's tellin him he's a bad man all right. Even if a man is whoring around, his friends will elbow him and chuckle saying, "You're such a slut!"

For women historically, sleeping around wasn't encouraged and was looked down upon for practical reasons. The shame would, theoretically, keep us from getting pregnant out of wedlock. Afer the pill came into being, women were liberated. The sexual liberation helped bring about women's liberation on all fronts. We no longer had to go straight from school to marriage, because it was possible to go to work and have a career (sort of), and a bonus of being able to have sex without getting pregnant. But even in the "free love" of the 60s-70s, a woman couldn't sleep with too many partners, but men could screw as many women as he liked. How does that work?!

If a single woman loves her life, is successful and happy... and just so happens to sleep with various people without being in a relationship, she gets titles like "whore", "of loose morals", "harlot", "jezebel", "SLUT". A woman should NOT even desire to have any wild oats, let alone sow the damn things. We should desire to be chaste and pure when we marry. When we have sex, with only our husbands, we need to submit to HIS desires and if it's not working for us we are to "lay back and think of England" or "do it for the good of the country". Yes, I believe those are catchphrases from WWII, but still applicable today.

Here's a scenario: a person is single, has a great career and life. Travels heaps and experiences all of life. Goes out to clubs and restaurants with friends and basically does what any normal single person does. It's not uncommon to find someone attractive to take home for the night. Why not enjoy that side of life too? One night stands, menage a trois, foursomes, swinging, fetishes and the odd relationship are all on the menu. This person lives life to the fullest in every possible way, wants to experience everything. It's a journey of exploration.

Imagine that person is a man. What are your thoughts? He's just enjoying life, right? He's single, so it doesn't matter what he does?

Now, it's a woman. Thoughts? I can see some cringing. Loose woman? She needs to find herself a man? "I would never do that!" Is she a slut?

Slut is a term that oppresses women. We have to conform to a certain standard lest we be labelled a slut. It's just as derogatory toward women as the n-word is toward black people. The word was used to control that group of people, make them subservient and make damn sure they didn't try to rise above their station. Which word am I talking about? Take your pick, because it suits both.

The difference with the n-word is that the very group it was used to control have reclaimed it and turned it into a positive of sorts. They use it freely within their community in a positive light. What a fantastic way to thumb your collective nose at the former oppressor!! The same hasn't happened with the word slut. In fact, many women use the word in the exact same controlling, negative manner intended.

We should reclaim our word! Turn it into a term of endearment. Most men will say they wouldn't want to marry a virgin, but would prefer someone experienced... Yet they will turn around and call someone with too much experience a slut. Our line in the sand should be at the same place as men. Hundreds and thousands. Other than prostitutes, I doubt women (or men) actually have sex with that many people.

I'm a slut by all standards. There's not much I haven't tried. I've satisfied many men and a few women... And I've learned a hell of a lot about my body and how other bodies work. I always, yes, ALWAYS achieve orgasm. Sex was just another subject to learn about... The most fun education I've had in my life! Now that I am settled, I can have sex last as long or short as I want because I know what techniques to use for whatever situation. We are somewhat experimental too, because it's fun. My husband knows about my former life and has Jo problem with it, in fact, quite the opposite. I've given him orgasms like he's never seen before and brought a whole new level of sex into his life. lol He's actually grateful.

Should I be ashamed of my past? Should women still be labelled a slut if they bed more than 1 or 2 men? Why are we so quick to pass judgement and run down other women?

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JuLeah - posted on 06/16/2011

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Not sure why women are so labeled. Except, we don't, in this society, have that much respect for them.



We like wives, we like mothers, we like grannies .... we have a place for pole dancers too, but WOMEN, not so much.



Women are far too involved, complex to fit in any kind of box, we can be all of the above and more in just one moment of our lives.



We give life, that is a power that frightenes many of our male buddies and so, the oppress, shut us down, keep us less ....

Mrs. - posted on 06/16/2011

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I think the brit term, 'slag' is a bit more awesome.

Hey, I think most of the people who throw names around like slut or slag have probably been indoctrinated by some religious upbringing, shame type morality or are just projecting the way they feel about themselves.

I saw this documentary about people who were all considered the high school sluts at their schools growing up. They had some women in her 70's talking about how she was turned into the town trollop because she held hands with some boy another girl liked. I think, generally, the documentary was saying that any female that was a bit different or perhaps was not willing to follow the "queen bee" type was turned into a slut by other girls...no matter how slutty she might be. It's sad, but most of the women turned out to just be who they really were and got over be held down by the label.

Personally, in one of the grade schools I attended, I was called a slut all the time. It was because I was new and I made the mistake of wearing a blouse my first day that showed slightly that I was wearing a bra - you know cause I had to in the 5th grade. I was a slut because I wore a bra and the other girls didn't have boobs yet.

Sherri - posted on 06/16/2011

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Well in my circle the men who slept around would be considered equally as bad a woman who slept around. The man certainly wouldn't be patted on the back. He would be ostracized just as the woman would.

Amber - posted on 06/17/2011

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@ Donna~ I'll take it :) I am in the US, but we actually have discussed moving abroad. Australia has been discussed a few times.

My only hang up is that he has an international degree, so he just has to get his medical license wherever we go. My degrees aren't international, so I don't know if they will be any good...and I don't want to give up my options to work.



Back on topic:

Also...I wonder how many of the people who would be considered "sluts" were tomboys growing up. It seems like a lot of us weren't held to the stereotypical female gender role by our parents. I bet that goes a long way in our beliefs of being equal and resisting the pressure to conform.

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Laura - posted on 06/26/2011

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I couldnt finish reading your entire post but I think I get the just of it. I think that for men if they sleep with who ever they want or they already have had loads of one night stands there considered players and its ok for them to do it and they can get away with it and there heros in there friends eyes and everyone wants to be like them. but when women sleeps around or has had several partners shes considered a slut, a whore or even worse why is it ok for men to sleep around or have a past and its not for women. I have slept with more people than my husband has does that make me any less of a person than him does he deserve more respect because hes slept with less than me or vise versa why does it matter anymore who we've slept with or how many people we've done it with..as long as your happy now and not cheating than shit like that means nothing...

Elizabeth - posted on 06/21/2011

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Here is a story that might make you smile.
A few years ago female coworkers and i had a decission on the number of sex partners we have had and they were both in the double digits and i had and still have 2. I didnt find anything wrong with their numbers but they said that i was pathitic for only having 2.

Lissa - posted on 06/17/2011

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It's just how the term is used in my area, I understand what the original meaning is, it just seems to have evolved here :)

Charlie - posted on 06/17/2011

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Lissa a slut by definition is a woman who is considered promiscuous .....nothing at all to do with the detriment of others or un safe sex or cheats I am interested in how you formed your opinion ? is it personal or is that how the term is viewed in your area ?

[deleted account]

For me personally, the sex of the person having the sex doesn't matter. I still think it's wrong and always will.

Do I think you should be ashamed of your past? Nope, cuz shame isn't helpful or productive.

I know my beliefs are in the minority and I'm ok w/ that. I don't dictate what others can or should do w/ their lives... nor will I think badly of someone simply because I disagree w/ them. :)

Lissa - posted on 06/17/2011

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Where I'm from slut/slag male slut/slag is used as a term for those who have sex in a way that is detrimental to others. By this I mean those who practice lots of unprotected sex, cheat and have sex with those already attached (both are slags in that case). It isn't used a term for people who just like sex and have a lot of it with other single people or what I would term open relationships. I have to say all the men I know are perfectly respectful of a womans right to have sex with who she wants and certainly don't think any the less of her for it. I actually find that they have a certain respect for a woman who knows what she wants and feels no shame for that.

Jenni - posted on 06/17/2011

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@Donna Oh, and me too- I never thought about kids or marriage until about a year before I had my son. It never appealed to me. Still not married, I just really don't agree with what it originally stood for. Ok, so *maybe* we might get married someday, but I really don't feel the urgency even though we have 2 kids already! lol

Jenni - posted on 06/17/2011

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So true Amber, I think I am noticing a theme. I remember how PO'd I got as a kid about my gender. Don't get me wrong, I thought being a girl was great and was proud of my gender. But it seemed boys were always dealt the better hand. It was a strong social message that stuck with me. How girls always seemed to get the short end of the stick, how we were the weaker sex and part of me wanted to rebel against that.

Oh I'm just a girl in the world!~Gwen Stefani (great theme song for the topic)

Jenni - posted on 06/17/2011

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Yeah, my dad treated me like the son he never had. He dreamt of me becoming a tool and dye maker like him. He wanted to influence me to go to college and learn a trade. He thought it was great because there isn't a lot of women in the industry and I might as well use my gender as leverage. He taught me how to change oil in a car, pump gas, change a tire. He played baseball with me (he wasn't that big of sports guy). Had me watch WWF. Took me fishing/ice fishing all the time. Tried to convince me to go hunting. Taught me about handling finances. He'd always teach me 'manly' jobs and told me that it's important for a woman to know how to do these things so I don't have to rely on a man.

My mother on the other hand was your typical 'helpless' female. She can't really do anything for herself and prefers to get a man to help her. I always rejected that 50's stereotype of a woman. And apparently, so did my dad. But it was my mom who talked to me about sex. A little. I don't recall her saying to wait until marriage or at least it was never a strong message growing up. I think it was more of a socially strong message. Of course, whether he came out and said it or not, my dad didn't want me to have sex until I was married. But considering he was a pretty crummy father other than the things I mentioned... I chose to reject a lot of the messages he tried to teach me.

[deleted account]

Wow, I've just gained a whole new respect for my father. He actually DID do something right! I have disregarded a lot of his parenting because many of my memories of him were as an alcoholic, abusive bastard. But he wasn't that way much when I was a kid. I'd forgotten all the good stuff he did... Well, I'll give my mother the credit since she was alive during those times and kept him in line, but he did have a part in it. This may sound odd, but it was mostly my father I asked whatever questions I had. He (and the ABC after school special in 1977 called "my mom's having a baby") told me where babies came from. It was actually my father who told me all about sex!

Hmm, maybe he wasn't all bad after all. Thanks ladies, for giving me my father back to me.

[deleted account]

Jennifer, you may have touched on a big reason why girls are considered sluts for doing what comes natural. We are raised with the notion of the big white wedding and being pure for that day.

This is where I differ, which may explain why I think differently. I had any questions about sex answered by my parents,but they never impressed upon me that I should not have sex. They didn't say that I should either. The mechanics were explained and that's about it. I was never told "when a mummy and daddy really love each other, they get married and have sex". Also, my mother got very sick when I was 12, so from then until I was 14 (when she died) a lot of our life was consumed by her illness. I was too busy caring for her, helping with certain medical procedures, running a household and going to school (and maintaining good grades!) to be concerned about boys, dating and sex. When I was 16 I finished school and left home. I thought about becoming a porn star, even though I was a virgin, because I thought why not 1) get experience, 2) have fun and 3) get paid to enjoy myself. Always been the multi-purpose minded. But because I was always told I could be anything I wanted to be and treated like the son my father never had, there was never big dreams of me getting married and popping out kids. Instead, my father thought I could become a doctor, a politician... Someone who was going to be successful and change the world in some way. Apparently I wasn't housewife material.

Maybe if we stop telling our girls to save it for marriage, enjoy life and be a success at whatever you want to do. Live a full life before you settle down... Or maybe, like my parents did, don't say anything and let them find their own path. Answer all the questions, advise them of any pitfalls you foresee, but let them blossom into whatever it is they want.

Do you know why those men feel they need to trick a woman? Conquest. They are on the hunt, because they are supposed to sow those oats. Meanwhile the girls are told "don't do it or you're a slut!" That sets up the perfect game of cat and mouse. You're right, those lines that make your eyes roll and throw up a little in your mouth are worse. What's funny is that the guy you reject because of his stupid approach more than likely will call you a slut (or ball breaker) to his mates. Not that you'd care, but what is fun is then going off with one of those mates, letting him discover what you're about and then see where the chips fall. I've done that inadvertently once and ended up seeing the friend a couple times, who would rub it in with the one I rejected. He told the guy what he missed out on and why, because I told him why I passed on his friend.

My husband is not the best sexual partner I've had, but he's the best lover. He's still learning though. :-) I think it's important for the woman to actually have more experience than the man, because by god most of the time you have to teach the guy how to do it for you. My husband sowed his oats a bit, but like many men, he was just doing what he thought he was supposed to be doing, or he'd do what HE needed... because women don't tell men what they need!

Okay, it's after midnight, I'm hopped up on codeine (cold meds) and I've stopped making sense. So I'm going to shut up and go to sleep now.

Loureen, I bet it was! I've seen Bondi Rescue. (I was going to say Bondi Vet , but I think I'm on the wrong team)

Teresa - posted on 06/17/2011

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It is still a control issue for sure. I would like to think that women are becoming sure enough of themselves, who they are and their sexuality to overcome such labels. I feel they are outdated and have lost their meaning or at least their punch.

[deleted account]

My ex called me a 'slag' a couple of weeks ago.
I have had 1 partner. He was crappy even though i have no one to compare to he was shit. I'm actually looking forward to some no strings attached sex i can honestly say i am not looking for anything more, I would be mad if i was.

[deleted account]

Sherri, three cheers for equality! While I'm not for ostracizing anyone who chooses an enriched sex life, I am for both genders being treated the same. What's that saying? What's good for the goose is good for the gander (and vice versa)! :-)

Loureen... Well, what can I say? We're cut from the same cloth. Is THAT why Bondi was such good times?! ;-) ♥

Amber, I think you and your friend's fit into honorary Aussie status (if I'm remembering correctly you're in the US?). That sounds like my friends and I. One of the best one's I've been called was a "dirty sluppo" being slut and Seppo combined. Your dumpster one is way better though!

Rebecca, I like 'slag' too. One of my favourite cartoon strips is from Viz called the Fat Slags. Wow, I was never called a slut for wearing a bra before a lot of other girls, but probably because they all thought I was too fat to get any. lol

That would have been an interesting doco! Girls can be vicious.

I do agree that a word is just a word. Normally I don't allow to let words have much power in my little world. Just like I don't like taboos. However, being a part of the bigger world it's hard not to notice how much power people give to this word. That's what needs to be taken away. Maybe that's too lofty an aspiration?

Charlie - posted on 06/16/2011

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"Hey, I think most of the people who throw names around like slut or slag have probably been indoctrinated by some religious upbringing, shame type morality or are just projecting the way they feel about themselves."


I was JUST thinking the same !

Stifler's - posted on 06/16/2011

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I think it's women who label other women sluts a lot. Men hardly care unless they are a massive slut who sleeps with entire groups of friends (not at the same time) or just lots of people in town. Which is what I used to do and get called a slut for it. I don't mind, I'm not really ashamed, I had fun, it was always safe sex and never for money and no one remembers 5 years later that I ever slept with anyone but Damian.

Charlie - posted on 06/16/2011

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No woman should be ashamed of sex or how many people they have had it with , sex should be enjoyed and it is the individuals perogative who they sleep with ( as long as it is safe because if it isnt it affects others )

I enjoyed my early years "playing the field" and exploring my experimental side , Ive met some amazing people , we had amazing times , most of whom I still talk to as friends , I am very aware of what I like and what I don't like as a result I can orgasm every single time and my fiancee sure enjoys what I have to offer .

Am I ashamed of my previous sex life ? Hell no , I am a sexual being like any other person male or female who is in touch with their sexuality , I will never be ashamed of something that is as a part of me as my personality and the word slut ? it's another word one that doesnt offend me although Ive never been called it in a negative light like Amber we occassionally joke around and call each other slurry or bitch .

Amber - posted on 06/16/2011

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My group of friends uses "slut" as a term of endearment :)
Actually...it's turned into "Slore" over the years...it's much faster to say slore, than it is to say slutty whore.... :) Sometimes we keep it simple and go with bitch.

We adore each other and it's a huge joke. We figure if people are throwing the word around, why shouldn't we? And you know what? None of us ever get called names like that unless it's from each other.
Chad even teases me and tells me that I spend all of my money on "whoremen and liquor" when I withdraw money and go shopping.

A word is just a word. I don't let it be negative, nor do my friends. We actually have name calling contests. Pretty sure my favorite is "cum dumpster".

By the way, we're all in committed relationships and not even sleeping around. We just think it's funny in an absolutely absurd way :) haha

[deleted account]

JuLeah, I think you're onto something there. We do give life, which is the key to our existence. Too much power for the "weaker sex".

Rosie - posted on 06/16/2011

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i agree that the term slut gets thrown around way to much, especially for the same offenses that men get glorifed for. however, i am not positive it is the smartest thing for women OR men to be sleeping around and doing whatever with whomever. STD'S, accidental pregnancies and emotional turmoil are all involved and obviously increase as the number of partners increase. even with protection these odds increase.
should women be ashamed of how many people they've slept with? fuck no.
is it possible for women to perceive sex as just something casual? well, yes, but i dont' think it happens all that much. i was in a relationship that i claimed to everyone was just sex all the while i was secretly hoping for more. when i didn't get that i was hurt, but kept up the sherade (sp?) so as to not look weak.
bottom line women who sleep around are not sluts, i just don't think it's in the best interest of everyone involved, to increase the chances of STD'S and emotional baggage.

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