IC emotions!

Julie - posted on 03/03/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I was just wondering if anyone else has or had feelings of failure? When I almost lost my son, and then when he was in the NICU so little and weak, I felt I failed him because I was not able to carry him safely to term! What made it worse was watching him go through painful procedures. I think though that it was these emotions that helped get me through my second pregnancy. Well at least to 31 weeks vs. 25 weeks. I didn't want to feel like a failure! I still struggle with these emotions at times but not nearly as much!

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I've been having lots of emotions lately about this. I would love to have another but my hubby just can't bear to do it all again. Talking about this w/ him has brought up a lot of grief I may not have finished w/.

Lost our 1st at 20wks 6ds. I felt I was the biggest failure in the universe! I got prego w/ baby 2 (Seth) b4 my due date w/ his brother. I was watched weekly from 12wks on. I had tvs every other wk, progesterone shot every wk. At 18wks I had an emergency cerclage, then was on bedrest, at 25 wks I had contractions and was in the hospital just b4 Christmas for about 3 days - they were able to stop my labor and send me home w/ a med (cant remember the name) to help calm my uterus. I delivered Seth at 35 wks but not w/o issues. My contractions had pushed my cervix up and forward making it almost impossible to reach to cut the cerclage.



It was soooo emotional. I just could not believe this was all happening to me and why? I have always wanted to be a mother and it certainly was not going to come easy to me. Whoowee.

I feel guilty and then sometimes am still (after almost 4 yrs) overcome w/ emotion and grief of it all. I just want my body to function normally.

Julie - posted on 03/04/2009

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I agree that when we go through tragedy or stressful situations it makes us really appreciate life so much more! It also helps us to grow as people. It makes us stronger and wiser. I remember when I would apologize everyday to my husband b/c he had to take on my role and keep up with his. Your right there are absolutely no words to describe the stress and the guilt that you are feeling right now. Just keep in mind that when you get through this (and you will) you are going to be so much stronger and wiser than you were before all of it! You will also be better equipped to provide support to others when they go through it! Trust me when you can help others it helps to heal those wounds that it caused! Hang in there, I know its more than just hard and you probably cry every day, but soon those will be tears of joy!

Julie - posted on 03/04/2009

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Well some times a d&c will cause IC, but they don't know much else about it. I have no idea what caused mine, and it is very frustrating not having the answer! What you need to understand is that those precious little miracles are here today because you sacrificed your self and your life for all those months that you were on bed rest! Not many women can say that! Women who are put on bed rest are literally giving their entire life up to bring our precious miracles into the world. So to answer your question, no there wasn't anymore you could do because you literally gave up EVERYTHING to help those children survive! You had nothing left to give! Also think of it this way because of everything you did they are alive and thriving! If you did anything different they may not have survived! So good job Mama! It takes a special kind of person to care for preemies and you one of them that God chose!

Kisha - posted on 03/04/2009

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Yes, it was hard for me to get through. My first pregnancy got to 14 weeks and I miscarried in the toliet. I had not idea about IC. I was 33 at that time so I thought my chances of being a mother were over. then a year later I found out I was pregnant again. This time with twins. I was so afraid from the moment I found out I was pregnant. Since My OB knew about the miscarriage, the fact that I was 33, and was carrying twins she sent me to get an ultasound when I was 9 weeks. That one went fine. A month later when I went for another I found out I was dialated and was hospitalized until the babys came. I never got the stich, because my cervic was gone and there was nothing to stitch. But, thanks to a wonderful doctor and being in the hospital for the remainder of my pregnancy the babies stayed in. The doctors would say if we can make it to 28 weeks we will let you go home. Because they felt the babies could survive if I carried them that long. When I turned 28 weeks the doctor released me to go home, because I had already spent Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years in the hospital. I went home on a Friday and had to be checked that Saturday I guess that little bit of walking did it because I had the babies that Saturday. They survived and have had no problems due to being early. What a blessing. However, I feel like I should have done more, and my body failed them. I will never try to have another child. Because I would never want to put myself or another baby through that ordeal. The most disturbing thing is I have no idea as to what caused the IC or could I have done anything differently. Do anyone know the answer to those 2 questions?

Selena - posted on 03/03/2009

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I totally understand. I am not in the same situation, but my pregnancies are far from easy. My first pg went fine. I had 1st tri spotting, but all turned out well and my son was born at 39 weeks. I then had a 1st tri mc. Found out at 9 weeks and needed a d&c. I then got pg with girl/boy twins. I thought I was the luckiest mom alive! Then at my 19 w u/s we found I was dilated to 3 cm and my daughters bag was bulging :( Doc put in an emergency cerclage and I went on bedrest. I started contracting after stopping all the meds. Doc needed to cut out my cerclage. I was dilated to 6 cm and the contractions stopped. I then started having pains and doc said it was an infection and would have to induce. I was 22w4d along. My daughter was born 1lb 5 oz and 11 inches. My son arrived 1 hr 35 minutes later weighing 1lb 8 oz 11.5 inches. I literally felt him being ripped from my body. The pain was so intense I almost passed out. They both lived a few hours and then passed through the gates of Heaven.



I then got pg again. Started dilating at 30 weeks and ended up being induced at 39w2d. I was watched weekly from 13 weeks and doc ruled out IC.



15 mos later I got pg with a son. I began dilating at 20 weeks and was put on bedrest and meds. We made it to 36w3d when doc found I was dilated 6-7 cm. They induced me. He was born 7lb 3oz and 19in slight jaundice, but healthy.



I am now pg again. Started dilating at 22w5d. Bedrest at home the first 5 weeks. Then hospitalized for 4 weeks and have been home for over 3 weeks. I am praying and hoping for at least 1 more week.



The stress this has caused my marriage, my family, my body and me mentally is something I can not describe. The babies I lost.....I just can't understand my body. Why MY body? I am so grateful for all I have, but I think its b/c I have lost and given so much to be where I am. 

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