I messed up my life. I love my daughter but I can't.

Sam - posted on 11/03/2018 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I can barely care for myself. I'm married with someone I love more than the world, but since I've gone back to work after having the baby, I've been losing my mind. I'm at a dead end job, have a useless AA degree that doesn't help. I didn't get to experience life how I wanted, I'm not successful, and I'm losing the love of my life. My daughter deserves everything I don't have. I want her to have experiences and time with family and love. Right now she's surrounded by stress and uncertainty, though we do love her. And to be honest... I don't really want to be a mom anymore. I realize this after it's too late. The idea of open adoption would get me abandoned by my family (though I don't think they know what it is exactly) and my mom would adopt her but I feel miserable doing that to her and my husband doesn't want that. I'm here and there and everywhere but what I do know is that I'm miserable. I love my daughter but I wasn't ready and the stability that I did have is falling apart all around me. I have thought about running away or killing myself but I haven't done any of that yet. You can call me a monster, I know this, but my daughter should be raised by a happy human being that is ready to have children. I'm alone and sad and no one understands what I'm going through.

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Candis - posted on 11/18/2018

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You are not a monster-these are very real feelings that a lot of moms experience and are too afraid to share. I cannot tell you what to do in your life because I am not in your shoes fully but I can say that Ive struggled with my mental health ever since I was a teenager and after I had my daughter I had such bad post partum I wonder how I even got through most days,let alone the years I struggled slash had a nervous breakdown. Honestly, things change all the time-your mood ,your emotions will level out. With more practice and age comes more security in what youre doing. I can tell you -Ive regretted everyday I wasnt able to and still sometimes cant be there for my kids because of my mental health. Its important to seek out people you can talk to that can make you feel understood. I also remember feeling very alone because everyone in my life made me feel crazy,I felt incapable and dissapointed and lost. I think , the only thing that helped me was going back to school ( I took a short hair degree) and I made my focus on my interests and that helped me feel more stable in myself and therefore reflected on my family. You can be that happy human being that your daughter deserves,but its also important for you to understand that perfect parents do not exist. We are all doing our best in the best ways we can. Small kids are sooo hard,theyre very challenging in a lot of ways and very exhausting on many levels. Whats important is for you to know that they are always changing,as we are. Be gentle on yourself, youre doing an amazing job- just make sure to take time for you too and if you feel you cant,seek out help in different forms so you can take a bath or go to yoga or just sleep. It really takes a village to raise a child. Sending you love,I hope you find clarity and peace and Im here to chat if you need it xx

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