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How do you get the butterflies back?

Nena - posted on 04/25/2009 ( 19 moms have responded )

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Hi my name is Nena I'm 27 and I live in Cali.

I've been married for almost 8 years in September. I've been with my husband since I was 16 on and off till we got married. So we've been together 11 years.



I was woundering if anyone knows how to get that butterfly feeling back. I love my husband to death, but don't feel in love with him. That sounds weird, just woundering if anyone else has felt like this?

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the butterflies are great but dont last due to chemical changes in the body after about 6 months . there is a great article in the science daily i dont know if links are permited but you can look it up on the web...

"Levels of these substances, which include dopamine, adrenaline and norepinephrine, increase when two people fall in love. Dopamine creates feelings of euphoria while adrenaline and norepinephrine are responsible for the pitter patter of the heart, restlessness and overall preoccupation that go along with experiencing love."

Melissa - posted on 05/17/2011

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Ever hear of the 7 year itch? It actually exists. I don't know what causes it but everyone I know experiences it. I know your thinking you dated for longer than 7 years but it doesn't matter it strikes again anyway. :) My advice... tough it out. :) lousy advice I know. The thing is, relationships change, constantly. The butterflies go away because they are caused by nervousness and uncertainty and the excitement that causes. But when the butterflies go away you are left with something deeper. An actual mutual love, respect and admiration for the other person. My hubby and I have been together for 14 years. And while I wouldn't say I have 'butterflies' I am often struck by an 'oh my gosh I love you' feeling. Usually when he does something nice for no reason. Or when a friend tells me about some jerky thing her current boyfriend did and I think wow my husband would never do that. I am by no means an expert but I think it is the little things in life that matter and you should never take those you love for granted. Sometimes a simple thank you or a random touch or I love you can make all the difference.

Tiffany Michelle - posted on 03/21/2011

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I THINK IF YOU TAKE DATE NIGHT AND REMINISCE ON YOUR PAST AND TALK ABOUT THE GOOD THINGS THAT HAVE LEAD YOU TO BEING MARRIED AND THE GOOD TIMES Y'ALL HAD/HAVE BEING MARRIED IT MIGHT STRIKE A SPARK . . . DON'T GIVE UP . . . I'VE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND FOR ALMOST 5 YEARS AND THE BUTTERFLIES ARE STILL THERE, I MIGHT HAVE TO WORK THEM UP AGAIN, BUT I KNOW THEY'RE THERE . . .

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LOL, Bek hello again!

After 16 years if you ever figure that one out please tell me!

I don't believe it is real love when you have those butterfly feelings, thought they are nice, they usually only mean that there is an excitement and adventure.

Jump out of an airplane...I understand it feels similar. At least that was what my friends said. I don't think I want it that bad!

Real love grows in depth and feeling. It grows through the struggles, through the times of heartache, and only over years do you reach real feelings of love that bring real satisfaction.

The youthful excitement is fun and I loved it too, but the deep love that is growing between my husband and me right now is so much more, and I look forward to the years ahead.

Anne - posted on 05/20/2009

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Hi Ladies my husband and I will be married 30 years in December. We dated 3 months shy of 6 years. We basically grew up together. We were 18 when we started to date. I agree with Deangela that the "butterfly feelings" ebb and flo. When we were younger I would reread his letters from college. It did help. I think one reason as young wives and mothers we may need more reminders is the added responsibilities of a home and family. We are now empty nesters and the butterflies DO come back. Just try to enjoy what ever time you have together. Try to sit by each other on the couch and spend a few minutes of your day sharing how your day went. Praying for and with each other also helps.

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Sarah - posted on 02/11/2014

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Don't get lost in chasing those butterflies! What you're beginning to have in your marriage is more like an eagle soaring.

That falling in love butterfly feeling is a trick nature created to help us make a bond. However, once the commitment has been made and you've developed some familiarity it's time for your wise self to kick in and appreciate the good friend, partner and lover you have.

Now is when you use intention to build a strong love that is deeper than butterflies and reflects the challenges you've been through, the love and respect you have for each other.

I've been married for 18 years and I love my husband in a completely different way from how I loved him when we met.

However, all this being said, don't get locked in routine. Make time to share activities you enjoy doing together. We regularly go biking, ice skating, x-country skiing together. Make romantic time too - although it won't be the same as when you first met. Make both of these a regular part of your schedule so you don't get lost in routine and complacency but keep reminding yourself of why your marriage and your spouse is so important to you.

Jennifer - posted on 08/25/2011

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Oh and I talking about my past relationship that was numerous years btw.. I am not ooooh lala (ing) with anyone who doesn't love me.. just wanted to make that clear. I have had chances to reflect on my own mistakes and I can say that waiting for the feelings to rearise and base decsions on just that was a big mistake.. feelings matter but I realized that I could of been alot more active in the pursuit as well.

Jennifer - posted on 08/25/2011

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I love hearing all this from married women!! I am a single mom. And I am not a man hater.. although that is a huge stigma with us. I have had a relationship that might as well have been a close one.. I guess now that I have had to do it alone I would give anything to not get so tied up in the "feelings" as much as noticing the little things.. although I will say as a mom, I get missed for not being "sexy" as well.. It may not be oooh lala all the time but have you ever thought of reaching out to him and just saying in random.. "I miss you" and "I love you".. or I know what I would do differently now.. I would of BOUGHT that tettie and popped open that wine and spun him around in the chair and said.. guess what? I think you"re hot.. believe it or not.. guys need that too.. they just cannot always express that. You can talk about memories but never be afraid to make them. I screwed up alot.. and if I knew then what I know now.. but well, what I know now is going to be good for the one ahead!!! I love hearing you ladies still sticking with things. This is encouraging and marriage is its own mountain in itself as is single parenting.. "Being in love is about the past, love is about the present and the future".. You ladies rock!! Go get that tettie honey and give him some butterflies! ;)

Jennifer - posted on 05/14/2011

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wow i agree with all these comments. the butterflies are there just different, mature butterflies :) if they were the same as in the begining, you'd be stuck in bed all the time ;) i think that u just need to take time for yourselves as a couple to flutter those mature butterfly wings and give yourselves a reminder of your feelings for each other. this mature love comes from so deep within that its not always as visible as the lust you shared in the beginning. don't worry youself, this just means that he is "the one" that you yerned for so "long ago"

April - posted on 04/09/2011

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Do something that you haven't done in awhile. Something that the both of you did when you were new.

My husband isn't really romantic so i don't expect to get any butterflies from him any time soon LOL but if your man is just do something that you find romantic. Sit at the beach with him at night. Do things where you feel special. It will give you the feelings back.

April - posted on 01/21/2010

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There is a great amount of pressure put on married couples in the world today to keep things fresh and exciting. Especially if you watch a lot of movies.... romantic love and committed love are two completely different things. All relationships start in the romantic phase in which you want to be with that person all the time and learn all you can about them... but like all feelings.. those fade over time. We keep searching for the romantic love we find in the movies and tv. But somewhere in a good relationship.. that romantic feeling turns into a feeling of deep commitment. Every once in a while you will see a glimmer of the "honeymoon" phase but it will never truly return. The important thing is making time to let your spouse know how much you appreciate them and do little things to let them know that you still love and care about them deeply.

Shelly - posted on 06/19/2009

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Nena,

It's not ment for us to have that butterfly feeling all through our marriage, it changes with time it matures over the years. It doesn't mean that we love them any lwss it's just a different fase in our relationships. If it was the butterflys all the time we would never see anything but the inside of our bedrooms...It's the same way with our children when you have them you just ant to burst you just can't imagine having any more room in our heart to love anything or any one else!!! But over time that feeling subsides and it's not that we love them differently it's just evolving. Trust in the Love you do have for your husband and enjoy the fase that your in b/c after 19 yrs of marriage I can assure you that it's not finished changing!!

Joanna - posted on 06/04/2009

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My husband and I have been married a little over 2 years; we dated for 2 1/2. The butterfly feeling comes and goes with us. When we get into a rut (i.e. come home, cook dinner, eat dinner, watch tv, go to bed) the butterflies seem to fade. Then we get an idea to take a date night and do something new and exciting, or something we haven't done in a while, the butterflies start to come back. I think the biggest thing is not getting so stuck in a rut that you can't get out (or you're not willing to try).

Bek - posted on 04/25/2009

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I've been married the same amount of time...and I have asked myself the same question... I don't know if there is such a thing as getting those butterflies back anymore when you have been married this long or longer...



But that may be a good thing...I remember those feelings and they were also intertwined with wondering if he was "the one" or if we would be together forever..or if he really DID love me...but on the good side, it was a new adventure that we had never taken on yet.

I keep trying to find ways to bring back that butterfly feeling, but I am not sure it is possible...sometimes I get a glimmer of that feeling when i go back and look at pictures of us when we first started going out and even picures of us before we were dating... or if you kept a diary back then when you were dating sometimes brings up good memories...Hubby and I used to write a lot to each other a long time before we even started going out and after we started going out...those things are nice to perk those old feelings...

if you ever find out the cure for missing this buttrerfly feeling, let me know...i miss it sometimes, and it would be good to revisit those feelings that butterflies bring.. ;)

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