i'm so glad this group is here - sorry for the long post.

[deleted account] ( 12 moms have responded )

i have been married to my husband for 5 and a half years. we are totally against divorce except in the cases of abuse or infidelity. that being said we are going through a very rough patch right now.
the worst part of it is that he doesn't seem to think that anything is wrong. when we were dating we talked about marriage as a partnership and that it only works when both people give 100%.
i feel like i do everything. he works 2 jobs and is gone 12 hours a day 4 days a week (and i am super grateful to be able to stay home with our girls) but when he gets home he does NOTHING except play on his x-box. he won't even make 5 minutes to talk to me about his day or anything else. i feel like i'm just his maid/nanny. we don't have the relationship we used to. we used to spend hours just talking and goofing around.
we had two miscarriages last year which is part of the problem since he doesn't think they were "people." he thinks the losses were no big deal and that i shouldn't have been sad for so long. i don't think i would have hurt as bad if he had felt like they were his children too.
i get so sad and angry sometimes, but i think it is just because i want him to love me the way i love him and the way he used to love me.
has anyone else been through this and stayed married? how did you make things better when he doesn't think anything is wrong?


View replies by

Shelly - posted on 06/17/2009





Boy you really need to re-exanine what you have wrote...How about if you go out and work 12hrs a day and then come home to a spouce that wants you to work even more!! You have made the choice to stay home and thats great, yes it stinks that you can't have the fairy tale life that we all dream of but you just have to work with what you have...When was the last time you did something for him to feel like you are thankful for him working two jobs and being away from home for 12 hrs a day so that you can stay at home and raise your children!!! I have to tell ya it's not easy being away from home so many hrs there are times I have to be on the road for 2-3 weeks at a time and it's one of the hardest things that I have to do be away from my family and when I get home and then be expected to come home and do house chores when I have 2 teenagers and a spouce at home to do it while I am gone. Why should anyone be expected to go to work every day and then come home and do thier spouces job and yes I did say job!!! This is what you have choosen to do as your job taking care of your family if you had a job outside the home would you expect him to go to your job and do it??? I'm sure the answer to that is no, so why would you expect it at home??? Don't you think that him working that many hrs he deserves a little down time??? My husband and I have been married for 19 yrs (next month) and we have had our fair share of valleys we had to work through and have come close to divorce a few times but we made the desition that our marriage vows ment more to us that just words. They call them VOWS for a reason.

As far as him not talking to you thats just wrong. Try making it comfortable for him to open up if you are all stressed out he may not want to add to your stress...The best time I have found to talk to my hubby is after the kids have settled down for the night and it's just the two of us ask him to please turn off the video games or the tv and just let him know how you are feeling let him know that you need that time with him. Let him know that you are feeling lonely that you feel like there is a wall coming up between the two of you...And your coment about he doesn't even think theres a problem OH yes he does men just deal with stress and problems differently than we as women do...Just b/c he doesn't rant and rave or scream and yell doesn't mean he doesn't see it. You need to make it safe for him to open up to you and trust me bitching and nagging does not do it. Try asking a friend or family member to take the kids on a fiday or saturday night and prepare him a good meal and fix yourself up in a sexy out fit and just focus on him for one night offer to give him a message just pamper him for one night and you might be surprised at what that can do to help him open up. Mens brains are wired way different than ours they think as long as they are giving you money and sex things are good!!! The emotional stuff is just fluff for them!! And as far as you feeling like you are doing every thing, well guess what thats the job you have choosen hold your head high and know that your husband is working two jobs so you can stay home and do that. Quit looking at what you don't have and start being greatful for what you do have!!!

Patti - posted on 04/09/2009




Just hang in there! I thought I was going to be a stay at home mom- turns out our economy and the fact that my husband hadn't finished school but prices went up changed all that. Also, I developed scoliosis from a back injury while pregnant. To sum it up- within a 6 month time period- I developed crippling back pain, my husbands transmission went out, I wrecked the car (the BORROWED car while my husbands car was in the shop), my car had developed a leak I was unaware of that developed into mold (I'm severely allergic to mold) so I would cough, sneeze, wheeze and throw up whenever I got into my car, and I got laid from my job! While I was working, I felt just like you did. My husband was never home because he worked full time, went to school at night and did side jobs here and there. I was grateful for all he did for our family but I felt like our home and family in itself was a full time job and then some. I needed help! We talked, we fought, nothing made a difference. Finally, I got on my knees (we are born again Christians) and prayed every day that God would show him somehow some way how he had been making me feel. Slowly, over time, situations would come up where he would tell me someone made him feel unappreciated or the like that gave me the opportunity to point out (LOVINGLY) that he had made me feel the same way. Sometimes, he would just come to me and say that he was sorry because someone had treated him the way he had treated me and how bad I must have felt. I know it's hard to stick with it when things are tough but that's what strengthens a marriage. You each need to know that no matter what you will be there for each other. Just hang in there!

Bethany - posted on 04/06/2009




Wow, I know what you are going through.  My husband and I have been married for 6 years.  We had two miscarriages before our little girl and he was fairly insensitive, although he does believe they are real people.  It's just so different to actually experience it, not to mention all the crazy hormones that are coursing through your body and messing with your emotions.  But my husband plays video games and watches TV non-stop.  It doesn't seem like he ever pays attention to our daughter unless I make him.  We both work, and he won't even get up her, feed her, or bathe her.  I have to beg him to change diapers.  It's making me very bitter and resentful, and he doesn't get it.  We are Christians and I have asked him to talk with our pastor, but he says that I am the one with the problem, so I should go talk to him by myself.  I don't know what to do either.  It has gotten a little better since he at least started working around the house, but it's not good.

Samantha - posted on 04/04/2009




Love and love and keep loving. I suggest u read the Love Dare. It has really changed our relationship. My husband works for the oilfield and he is over north texas, arkansas, and louisiana but we live in oklahoma so we see each other very seldom. Lots of times I have felt I was his nanny/ maid. I felt that he did not appreciate what I did and did not appreciate our children. He would come home and park in his chair and play PS3 for however long he was home. The book made me look at many things from different aspects and as I began seeing things in a fresh way so did my husband. He started noticing everything I did around the house and for him and eventually started helping out. We started looking at each other same way that we looked at each other to begin with. Now we have come through our rough patch and are stronger for what we have been through. We have been married eight years, have 2 boys and have had 3 miscarriages. Dont let him get to you about your micarriages, I believe that they are children but maybe he can't look at it that way because deep down it would hurt him too badly. Idk if this is true or not but that might be why. I know how you feel we had miscarriages because I am RH- so it was hard for us to conceive and we didnt know it at the time but all I needed was a shot to make it possible. With each miscarriage I mourned for my child, so be sure and take your time and mourn. I really think that book may help you. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Sorry my reply is so long but when I read your post I couldnt believe how alike we sounded. Hope all is well soon

Meghan - posted on 04/03/2009




My husband and I have been married going on two years this year. We have to girls 2 1/2 an 2 months. Just the other night we had a HUGE fight. Sometimes I feel that I do everything and he doesn't help. He says he needs game time, but sometimes I want him to help me out. I am a stay at home mom as well, but being a stay at home mom is a full time job. I am grateful that I get to stay home, but I need a break and time to myself just as much as he does.

Stephanie - posted on 04/02/2009




I feel marriage IS a partnership. I am an opinionated individual who has a husband that loves his television. I just flat out tell him, kindly, that he needs to shut the tv off and spend time with the kids and I. He works nights, so when he gets up in the afternoon around 2, the kids get home at 4 and go to bed at 9, that gives him 5 hours to be with his family.

I would try to talk to him. Away from the kids. Men arent that good at emotions and all that. He may be thinking that your stressed or frustrated or upset about the kids, he may not be making the connection that your bothered by his actions or lack of. If you need to vent or talk more, we are here for you.

[deleted account]

Stay at home, homeschooling mother of 10 with a strongwilled husband here.

Poo...get over the partnership thing. Marriage is NOT a partnership. He doesn't love you like you love him and never will. We love diffferently. To him what he does at work shows his love. However...that said, he needs to get rid of the x-box. Don't make that a hill to die on, but make it a point.

That said, he needs to understand your feelings. You need a night to yourselves even if it is every two weeks for one evening at McDonalds, or take the money I am sure he spends on the new game he wants and get out together.

I married a similar type and we have struggled, but he is getting there. Don't quit. You made the committment along with him, and, for your kids is not yourself, you need to see it through. You are grieving and he is retreating.

Talk to me about the babies. I know what you mean as I have been there. tell me their names and what sex they were. tell me your thoughts on those to two beautiful little ones. I want to know.

It is far far better to stick it out and work hard on a marriage than to rip your heart and your children and husband's hearts up with a divorce. I have two step sons that are grown men that still grieve over the parents divorce!

Vent to me. I am a happy to listen and even respond. Find me on here and write directly. I fully understand the shift you are going through and have been there dealing with it a while!

Tell me about those babies!

User - posted on 03/16/2009




We had a Xbox a few years back and we realized it was taking precious time away from eachother and we agreed to get rid of it. We also decided when we got married 6 years ago to not have TV because it would take time away from us and not to mention it is full of pure filth. You may talk kindly to your husband about getting rid of the xbox so that you and the kids can spend more time with him. If you can make him realize he is wasting hours of precious life and time on the xbox that he should be spending with the kids.

Gayla was right on seeking Jesus. Let me tell you this story. My MIL has the most insensitive husband (I mean that with respect). He just doesn't "get it". Well one day her beloved house dog was very ill and needed to be put down. The dog was given to her by her mother when she miscarried 15 years ago and my MIL's mother passed away about a year prior to the day this dog was dying. So being upset as she well should be she asked her husband to go with her to the vet to put the dog down. Her husband who spends more time on the computer than anything else, told her he was busy and didn't have time. (He never liked to dog). He even called my husband to take her because she was to upset to call herself!! But it so happened my husband was out of town. So my MIL went into her bedroom and closed her eyes and cried out to her Father and she told HIM how torn her heart was and she knew it was just a dog but she couldn't do this by herself and she really needed her husband to realize her hurt and go with her. My MIL said two minutes later he came in the bedroom and apologized for his insensitivity and said he would go with her to put the dog down. She broke out in a grin and when he inquired of this grin she informed him that she had told on him to her Father in Heaven. He smiled back and told her that the Father did indeed give him a kick to the rear.

Sometimes it is hard because your heart gets hard from the hurt and the shoulda woulda coulda. But if you want your marriage to work and it is onesided seeking out the Lord is the only way to give you that comfort you are looking for until your husband gets his wake up call from the Lord. Believe me HE will answer your call if your heart is right and you are seeking Him out and crying out to Him. You will be able to stay calm and continue to love your husband through Him. HE will give you to strength to stay in the marriage while HE works on your husband. I have seen it work for my MIL, because without GOD she would of left my FIL a long time ago.

Alexandria - posted on 03/11/2009




I know exactly how you are feeling, i am kind of in the same situation. My husband and i have been married for a little over a year but have been together for 6 years. we have a three year old son.
we both work full time so it tough but so far we have made it though. i work monday to friday so i get the weekend off to be with my son and clean and tidy the house, my husband works everyother weekend but then gets 2 weeks day off every other week as well. on his days off he does NOTHING but play games on the wii or playstation. he lets my son do whatever he wants and mess the house up. when i come home the house is about to fall apart and he still expects me to make supper and clean up after him after he has done nothing. then on the weekends if i am not feeling good and just have a lazy day at home with my son and dont do the "extra" cleaning he gets all pissed off at me. its so frustrating, then when i try and talk to him it is like talking to a brick wall so i dont know what to do either.
i guess i am not alot of help, sorry. i just thought that i would share how i am in the same kind of situation and looking for the same kind of answers.
good luck with everything!!!

Marie - posted on 03/01/2009




I have been thru something similar with my hubby and I did actually talk to him about it. Turns out he was oblivious to how I was feeling. Once we discussed what was on my mind things were much better. We are still married and still work at it everyday. When the stress arises again we just need to keep talking. Communication is key!!!

Sheri - posted on 02/27/2009




I agree with Gayla's post but I also think it's important to use "I" statements and just let him truly know how you feel. Maybe find someone to watch your girls for a bit and then make him a nice supper, and just say that you need to talk to him about some things that are really causing you some trouble. If you can find a way to let him know how you'er feeling without putting all the blame on him and let him know that you need his help. You might find that your Knight in Shining armor might be able to help you both find a solution to both of your problems. Many times when a husband is working as much as your is.... he only sees that he providing for his family and that zoning out with the Xbox is his way of decompressing at the end of a very stressfull time. Unfortunately, they don't always realise they are pushing their loved ones away. Some men feel as if they are failures after their wife miscarries, and they feel inadequate to meet their loved ones emotional needs. My husband and I have had times that we aren't communicating in the right way so that both of us are hearing what the other one is saying... it just takes reiteration many times... it's all worth it. We are almost to yr 23. Trust me... pray about it... then make a plan to talk to him about a "problem" you are having. See if it works.... never give up... it might take a several attempts to explain what your feeling... just be careful and present it in a loving and understanding way. I hope you find this helpful.

Gayla - posted on 02/26/2009




Posts like your's are so difficult to answer, and perhaps that's why no one has as of yet.  I know I could not make it in my marriage without the help of God's word and prayer.  If you are a Christian you can take your hurts and pain to Christ, He understands them all and can give you comfort.  If you are not, then your greatest need is Christ.  I will pray for you.

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