Why am I not ok with my husband going out without me?

Megan - posted on 02/11/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )




My husband and I have been married for 5 and a half years. I had two children before we were married, and he's good with them, but I get worried that he'll never have a dad connection with them. But that's a different issue.

He's never gone out without me, because every time he asks I say I'm ok with it, but he can tell I'm really not. He lets me go out all the time without him, and will even watch my friends kids too so we can go out. He's amazing for that. But every time he wants to do the same I get pissed and don't want him too. I think I get upset because I don't want to miss out on anything that has to do with him. Maybe I should give a little more information about me...

I have been depressed since my son was born, he's almost 11. I'm currently on Wellbutrin, and it works great, except before I take it. If I wait until 8 a.m. to take my pill I'm ok, unless he says something to me, and then almost anything he says will set me off, although it's not just him. I'm going to the doctor for that next week, but I don't know if that has anything to do with this. I don't know if the depression even has anything to do with this, but in case it did I wanted to share everything.

My husband has very little tact when saying things to just about anyone, and usually has no idea how to approach something with me. For instance, today.... We were last minute invited to a 1 year olds birthday party, that we weren't necessarily left out of, but they just forgot. Instead of telling me at first that we were both invited he asked if I minded if he went over there. A few minutes later he informs me that we were all invited, but he just thought it would be easier if he went by himself. But I could come if I wanted to. That pissed me off. I know about his tact problem, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept.

I know I'm all over the place in this post, and I'm sorry if it is at all confusing, but if there are any questions I can answer them. I just don't know if I'm out of control on this issue and if I need to get help for it.


Renee - posted on 02/17/2012




I used to be diagnosed as depressed and the medication was actually making me worse since my actual diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder, which does cause a lot of the mixed feelings and bouncing all over the place type behaviors, you may want to look into it. I went from depression meds to mood stabelizers and felt like a new person in just a week! I go to someone who does not just write a prescription and hurry me out for the next patient, she's a nurse practicioner (psych) and spends as much time as I need. Get another opinion, my advice anyhow...

NOW, about the going out and the tact thing. I'm married 22 years this April to a disabled retired career military man. He was injured overseas in 2005. The Army never taught him tact, and he genuinely isn't fond of most people. Some even think he's a jerk, but I like that he's to the point, no flowery answers, so I'll never ask him if a dress makes me look fat, LOL! Your hubby does not mean to hurt you, I think you know that but are just overly sensative right now. He's just being a normal caveman like my own caveman here :-). Not too bright, but ever so adorable!

You need to give him space. Period. Don't let this little thing blow up in your face one day. Tell him calmly that you will learn to be a lot more fair when it comes to this topic, he does it for you, do it for him too. We all need our own personal lives seperate from family and husbands, otherwise we become very unlikeable people (and I have been there, lost many friends too).

Once you get used to the whole idea, or even before, think of it as a day off from little things like watching what you want on TV, eating whatever you like, etc. I even got to a point where I looked forward to my husband's 2 week training with the Army each year! Like sort of a mini vacation and we (the kids and I) would do fun stuff that he never liked to do such as renting a seaside cabin for next to no money since the cabins are on a military base locally (he never saw the point in staying there when home was 45 min away). So, think of it as YOUR personal time, instead of him going out. It helps.

I'm a bit experienced in not being around my husband for long stretches, my father was also in the Air Force, so I grew up that way. My hubby's last tour was for a year and a half, he gave his vacation time to his men (he was in charge) and stayed in Iraq all 18 months. They hit a roadside bomb coming home, which is why he was forced to retire from the military (being hurt). Now, I'm pretty tough, and was also told not to cry in front of other wives of the men Sean was leading since they looked up to me, but that last tour was really long for us. I always think of women from World War II, no internet, no idea where they were or when they would be home, now, that makes me feel pretty selfish as an Army wife when we had the internet and such.

A few hours away from eachother is a great thing for both of you. it really is. Once the jealousy of not being a part of whatever it is wears off, you will feel much better. I feel you may have a trust issue in there with you too. Maybe I'm wrong, but trust is absolutely number one for a successful relationship (friends or romantic partners). 22 years here, we have had huge bumps in the road, but make it through somehow stronger. Hang in there!

Lisamarie - posted on 06/19/2012




So, I don't have depression but I do suffer from anxiety so for the first 5 years of having children until very recently (April of this year) I never went out, I gave up drinking, which I didn't do a lot of in the first place. I also hated the fact that my husband did go out, even if he encouraged me to go out too. I hated not knowing what he was doing, who he was with and what time he would be back. I like to know details and on drinking nights there really isn't any. Because I have the tendency to panic very very quickly and over the tiniest things I couldn't cope with him being away, even for a few hours. We would have terrible arguments over it to the point where he threatened to leave because I wasn't letting him live.
Now I still suffer with anxiety and have my bad days but I saw a counselor a few months ago because it got to the stage where my body was fighting against me (one anxiety and I would be physically sick and feel awful) he helped me so much, I feel more confident, I now know why I feel the way I do and where it stems from, my hubby can go for nights out (pre-planned, I'm still not well enough for last minute "surprises") and I've even started drinking, moderately, again and gradually getting my social life back. Maybe this is an avenue you could take? I know a lot of people are worried about going, I was too but I honestly could not have asked for a better outcome. If it carries on it may get worse too, mine got so bad that taking my daughter to school made me sick! Now that is a dilemma! lol
Good luck! :-)


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Nellynunes148 - posted on 07/20/2016




My husband and I have been married for 20 years. When we were dating we came up with an agreement that if we would go out without each other we would go out with family. Now 20 years later we still follow our agreement. It works for our marriage

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