Any hope for reconciliation?

Ashley - posted on 05/06/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )




Hubby is AF. Together almost 5 years, married for 2. He is on remote tour until Jan 2013. We were planning my 6 week trip to visit him and 13 days prior to my trip he called telling me he wants a divorce. 100% of out the blue. We had some struggles late 2011 but we agreed Divorce was not an option and to start fresh in 2013 when he came home.
I still flew out to him (the tix was already paid for) against his wishes. He sent me home 3 days later saying he needed time and space. He loves me but isn't "in love" anymore.
He had PTSD and depression, both diagnosed in 2011 but after 3 visits MH cleared him. He just informed me that he volunteered for this tour to "get away from everything" He says he realizes that all he does is run, so he isn't going to do it anymore (which I find wierd because divorce is running isn't it).
He showed up at our home 2 weeks ago unannounced with a moving truck and put all of his stuff in storage and hired an attorney. He said the attorney was for "standby only" whatever that means.
When he came to move his stuff he stayed and talked for 8 hours and just couldn't do it, but refused to take divorce off the table. He said he was afraid of falling into the same old routine and that he had no faith in himself to prevent it.
Since this all happened, I have discovered there have been numerous lies including now. He is telling everyone I am verbally abusive, manipulating, controlling, and not a good person...My only comfort is I know I am not.
This is his 1st remote but he has 8 deployments and countless TDYs prior. This was #5 as a couple.
He swears he isn't depressed anymore and he is thinking clearly...he blames me for the depression and ptsd stating if I ever since I brought it up he has blamed himself for 100% of our problems. Now he doesn't believe he even had it (i have emails from him documenting the behavior change) eventhough 2 different drs diagnosed it.
I can't tell he is really out of the depression or just sunk that much further into it. His family has stopped all communication with me and I have not spoken to him since the day he moved out. I believe he is back in the other country.
I want to fight for our marriage. I realize I could find someone else who deserves me but that was not the vow I took. I said for better or for worse, so please don't tell me to leave him.
If you have any ideas or similiar solutions, please let me know.

PS- We don't have children, I used my dog so I could join this group, so there is nothing tying him to me.

PPS- His follow on orders are back here to home, but he told me he is going to try to PCS elsewhere. Does anyone know how difficult that will be to change seeing the orders to return here have already dropped?


Katie - posted on 05/06/2012




You could suggest counseling, but it depends on him. You cant save a marriage by yourself so if he is unwilling to try then im not sure what more you can do. I would not let him proceed with no consequenses. If he has an attorney get one yourself and make sure he gives you the portion of his income he is required to during your seperation. Dont allow yourself to be run over in this and dont make it easy for him to walk away.


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Amanda - posted on 05/22/2012




lol i watched this movie where her husband was trying to leave her and she duct taped him to the toilet until he fell in love with her again, of course she did things to help it but it was funny.

Sandy - posted on 05/20/2012




He has issues. Number one being that he doesn't realize that he still has issues. Just because the Doc cleared him for duty, doesn't mean he no longer has issues. He has issues.

There's no doubt that you love him and have every intention of remaining true to your marriage vows. However, he wants a divorce. Do you really want to put yourself through the pain of holding on to someone who doesn't want to be with you? Do you want to stop your life to fix him?

If I were in your place, I wouldn't initiate the divorce, but I would sign the papers if he had them sent. Of course, I wouldn't tell him this, since I still love him and want to save the marriage. However, I'd also be sure (as Katie mentioned previously) to get with military legal and a civilian attorney to be sure I was still receiving benefits and any monies to pay for joint properties and bills, like the house payment or rent.

Debbie - posted on 05/13/2012




I say love him unconditionally just dont push back too hard. It helps to be invisible try to find new things that take ur mind off him abit. Make new friends in time it will all workout!

Ashley - posted on 05/07/2012




Thank you Katie and Louise. I will not file for divorce anytime soon. It's only been 2 weeks since he moved out. He never was able to tell me in person he wanted a divorce only via phone and email. In person he was crying and telling me he was afraid to continue. He said he knew he hadn't done much to change things either but didn't have "faith in himself" to continue. I am just trying to figure out how much his depression had a role in it. He volunteered for the assignment while in treatment. I admit I didn't understand depression as well as I could have at the time and am working on myself to change the things I can. At what point do I contact him? Can he get his orders changed so he PCS's somewhere else? I just feel if he were back home, we could really give it a go. He said no to counseling because he said he doesn't want to get blamed anymore for being different in our relationship and thinks I caused his depression and PTSD...not the rocket blasts he endured while in Afghanistan.
He has every single symptom of a major depressive episode and that is why I find this whole thing hard to believe. He is 180 degrees different from the man I married.
If I am so abusive, why would he show up here alone? If I am so bad, why would he stay and talk for 8 hours? None of this makes any sense.

Louise - posted on 05/07/2012




I think he needs time to think away from the home. My husband and I went through a two month split after 21 years of marriage. But we are back together and working through things every day. You have to decide how long you are willing to put up with this before you take action against him.

If he has taken his stuff out of the house he is half way there to a divorce. You have no bonds together, so really this would not be a messy divorce. I know you want to make this work but if he has it in his head that is what he wants then there is no changing that. My advice to you is give him a month and if nothing has changed then file for divorce and get on with your life. There is no point in carrying on. You both need to agree to be in a marriage and if he has convinced himself he does not want this any more there is little you can do. I am so sorry for you, I feel your pain, I really do.

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