Tired of feeling like a single mom.

Danielle - posted on 08/30/2010

In response to those that say "deal with it. this is all part of being a military spouse" I say BS!! Yes, being a single parent for a year or so at a time is part of the life but it doesn't mean you aren't allowed to feel frustrated or sad or angry or any other emotion. We are ALL human beings and we cannot help the way we feel. My husband is in the Army and he loves the military life as do I but it doesn't mean that I can't say it sucks being without him. My children still miss their dad and cry for him...it doesn't matter that there's a higher purpose. Yvonne, do not feel ashamed for the way you are feeling. Everything you are going through is completely natural. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.

Socorro - posted on 08/26/2010

I understand how you feel and understand that you are not alone in this...even though it feels like you are. You can go out as well and enjoy some time to yourself..you are allowed that. Join a playgroup so you can meet up with other parents, pick up a hobby. Keep yourself busy, don't be dependent on that phone call everyday, yes it's nice to be able to talk to him, but when he doesn't call then you just sit there being disappointed in him and sad with yourself. Not all military families are able to conversate with their loved ones everyday, you should consider yourself lucky, I didn't get the chance to speak that much to my hubby when he was on his deployment, not until the last two months did we actually get to skype and talk almost everyday. I have two boys one 6yrs and the other was two at the time of the deployment...and we are about to experience another deployment next year. You should look on base for parent support groups, talk to the chaplin, get out sitting complaining will only make you feel worse. There are so many things that you can do on base and off base that are free and designed specifically to meet your needs. I don't know how long you have been married, but there are support groups available for you and for him, try writing him a letter that explains how you feel, don't start off by writing "you need to" or "why can't you", explain how you feel and then go into what would make you feel better, if you start with putting it all on him, then he's going to feel like he's being attacked, which will lead to more arguments. I don't know how long you've been married or how old you guys are, but try talking to someone who's been married longer and is married to a military man also, it will help. He might also feel like he can't do anything from where he's at, because he honestly can't, but just having him understand what you are going through helps, especially since this is your first child he's not going to be there for the first solid food feeding, the first tooth, crawling and stuff...perhaps if you explain your feelings and not what you want him to do things will get better, my best advise is keep yourself busy.

Brandy - posted on 08/29/2010

Welcome to the life of being a military wife. You will get to where you can take care of the kids, cook, clean, do the laundry, yard work, fix things broken, pay the bills. I mean everything by yourself. I have been doing that since our oldest son was 9 months old. He is now 7 years old and this is my husbands first time being home for a full year. He use to not understand why I was ready for bed by 8:30pm every night. He would work night crew when he was deployed so it wouldn't mess up his sleep schedule. He came home from his last deployment. He helped me with my nightly routine with the kids. Dinner by 5:30 or 6:00. Baths by 7:15 or 7:30. And bed at 8:00pm. Then clean up from dinner. Pick up the living room from them playing. He walked outside after it was all done. He flat out told my neighbors he now understands why I was so tired and ready to pass out by 8:30pm. I am so use to him being gone I naturally fix things around the house. Paint any room, do all the yard work. I do everything myself. and his last deployment I did all that while taking care of a 5 year old and a 1 year old. Not to mention I moved us into our house. So I naturally do everything myself. But when he is home if he can't sit in front of the tv. He acts like its a sin. We had a good friend of ours who has been on west coast for like 5 years. She moved back. She came and visited us one day surprising us. Well she stayed a night with us. The next day she had to go to the ER. She is pregnant and she was having cramps. So I told her bring her two kids to my house and her van. I would take her incase they give her something and she can't drive. Well they kept her over night. The next day I had a LOT of running around to do. I had a doctors appointment. I didn't finally get home till almost 8:00pm. My husband flat out straight out of his mouth asked me how I did it. I asked him what are you talking about. He told me he has been trying to keep the house spotless but the kids mess it up faster then he can clean it up. I just laughed. I told him I don't honestly know how I do it. Its just natural. So needless to say he now knows how I feel.

Florence - posted on 08/28/2010

If you join the Y, you can put your child in baby-sitting there!! I would also join a Bible-preaching church and get involved!! Do you have other military wives that you can have "play dates" with the children?? I was an Air Force wife, and my husband was at home, BUT, when our daughter was 3 and under--he was at the Missile Base, studying for his Master's, or sleeping. In other words, I felt very lonely, also!! Get involved in hobbies, other women's activities, like MOPS(Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) and stay physically, emotionally, and spiritually active!!!!!!!!!!! Florence C., retired military wife

Horacea - posted on 09/04/2010

Hi, I'm no expert but I can only suggest that you pray...Talk to God about it...he's able to change every situation and fix things...Use this opportunity to let it out no one can hear you beside the baby...Let God know how you feel and ask him to fix it...

Carly - posted on 09/03/2010

Yep, this was me last year. My husband deployed days after my son's birth.

It's not easy, but you'll pull through. Do you have family around? That can really be helpful. Although you can't go to him right now, maybe you could take a trip back to your most supportive family and friends, even if it's just for a little while. Every little bit helps.

Also, see what help your base does. You'd be surprised at how helpful some programs are.

You're not alone, and you CAN do this. It gets easier by the week. But definitely get help if you can. Find a family member or a friend that loves babies and would be really happy for an excuse to hold and take care of your son while you get some extra-needed sleep, for example.

Cass - posted on 09/03/2010

Make sure when he comes back, you take a 'holiday' for a few nights... stay with friends or family and go out, enjoy yourself. It gives him a chance to bond with your child at home and learn fist hand what it entails and gives you your well deserved break.

My husband and I are both in the Royal Australian Navy and it's hard on him too... being away and missing out. I hope I don't get sent back to sea because I know I'd rather be at home with my little boy!

Cheers!
Cass

Penny - posted on 09/02/2010

My husband is retired Navy,I raised three kids by myself, so I understand how hard it is and how lonely it can be.Can I give you some advice? When my husband was in service, we did not have emails, or webcams. All we had were letters. Secondly, he is not over there partying, he is doing his job and where he is can become dangerous at anytime. Having a baby does not make you a prisoner to the house. Join the wives club, meet other young mothers, trust me the military has lots of them that are just as lonely and going through the same trials you are. But most of all you are here, and your husband is over there doing his job to put a roof over your head and there is not a thing either one of you can do about it. So make the best of the situation and look forward to the day he comes back home

Kelsey - posted on 09/02/2010

You know I really despise the wives that posted negatively on here in response. Come on! She's frustrated, stop telling her to get over it and that she should have known better if she was marrying a man in the military! Yvonne, you know what... I too am frustrated. I don't want to feel like a single mom, why should i ?? Isn't that what marriage and having children is about. Being together. Blah blah yes your husband is in the military and thats is job and blah blah he can't help what happens and some more blah blah. I honestly thought you other wives could see that she is upset and frustrated about things right now and she needs SUPPORT she needs someone to confide in and someone who will understand where she is coming from. Not other military wives making her feel bad for feeling this way. You know what else.... I commend you for being open and honest about the feelings you are experiencing. You or myself should have to hold my feelings in just because that "thats what you signed up for" There are things in life that suck. This is one of them. I will manage and do just fine, but I will also have these feelings and i refuse to lock them up inside of me. My husband and I talk about our feelings towards him deploying. We share like you should in a marriage. Resentments will probably come about, buts how you deal with those resentments that will make things work or not. I feel the same way you do right now. Doesn't mean I want to go crazy and bitch at my husband about him being military or doesnt mean that when he comes back all i am going to do is nag him about things hes missed. But I will let him know how this is affecting me in our lives and our relationships and he does the same for me. Communication is key. Right now you are communicating with other military wives who feel the way you do. Its okay to vent your anger and frustrations because its healthy. Vent here or to a frriend but talk calmly about the things going on between you two and share honestly before resentments get built up. If these frustrations are really starting to bother you I recommend then that you go to your FFSC and find a counselor (who has worked with plenty of wives in these situations) let them help you work them through before they turn in resentments towards your husband or the military. You are not alone. Im sure you already know that your a military wife and that things will be difficult but there is not reason you cant vent out, do it. It helps... it really does. Its normal to feel this way and there is nothing wrong with it. It all just depends on how you deal with it. Sometimes of being a military spouse is harder then other times. and right now is one for you and reaching out here is what you did. i just wish more moms would have replied saying they are going through the same thing or have gone through that and share with you on they dealt with it. because it is hard.... it really is.

Laura - posted on 09/02/2010

My husband is deployed in Iraq, I am home with two children ages 8 and 11, we all have our "moments" of crying and being upset, but I know he had NO CHOICE, he had to go, I feel alone. It is very hard. It is very hard for you with a newborn, do you have any help nearby?? when is he coming home?? I had to go today and speak to the counselor at school about my son and that his Dad is deployed. I am so happy about Skype that I get to see him and talk to him, that is what helps me, seeing him. It is very difficult for you as a new Mom, you have a beautfiul little baby, being a Mother is the toughest job in the world. I know you want him to understand how you feel, but he is going through his own thing as well, try talking to him again. Good Luck!! and Congratulations on the baby :-)

Heather - posted on 09/01/2010

Unfortuantly thats how the military works... the nonmilitary spouse is a single parent... what really bites is when you both are in the service!! Believe me!! thats one road I will not go down again!! granted my children are mostly grown but i remember what it was like... My advice would be to find a good church that you are comfortable with and go from there. A wonderful church family can help you in times of need or just to vent... There have been many potholes in my life and i thank God for my church family, I honestly do not know where i wouyld be without them..... Prayers Heather

Brooke - posted on 08/31/2010

I am also a Navy wife, and my husband has been gone since June, I am delivering our baby next week. My husband is also in Bahrain. It is difficult to be home alone and having those feelings of being alone. There is a disconnect with my husband because of the distance, as I am sure it is the same with many Husbands in the Military. When you Marry a Military Man this is unfortunately what you signed up for. You need to be strong and you also need a support group. Possibly the FRG. I thought it would be hard, having my Husband gone. I will admit it is more difficult than I thought. But as a Navy Wife know your Hubby loves you and cant wait to be home with you and his new baby. Concentrate on the positives when you do speak to him, and try not to dwell on what he is doing in his free time. This will only add stress. It will get better. And please remember are not alone.

Teresa - posted on 08/31/2010

Hi I know it is hard because when I had my 6 year old my husband was in the army and had a few weeks off but she was 10 weeks early and he could not have all the time off when she was in hospital still ill.
He has told me he missed so much and it was hard for him. You have to rember that he is having a hard job over there not just with the work. But also with missing you and the baby you are the lucky one because you will see all the mile stones and he will miss them. As for him going out over there it is better for him to do that then sit there and worry about you. Just injoy the baby and sorry if you did not like it you should not have married a man in the navy

Kristina - posted on 08/31/2010

yea if you can go over there you should try to get a command sponsor ship and tell him to extend his tour so you guys can work on getting over there with him. thats what me and my husband are trying to do. hes in s korea right now and were planning on working on that cuz i just had my girl in beginning of june and he left mid of july so im in ur same boat. its hard but you will get used to it. they had to put me on antidepressants cuz i got really bad. for instance. my birthday was march. married in april. moved from friends and family to PA in june. husband left to MO in july, same night husband going to Korea in Aug I almost burnt down my apt building bcuz i left the baby bottles on the stove and forgot about them. now in Sept I still have a huge mess to clean up from the bottles AND take care of my 3 month old daughter by myself. so all i can say is keep ur head up. becuase it is stressful. my husband learned the hard way beause he only sent us 800$ a month to pay all the bills and get my baby girl her things and he was making over 3000$. mind you he did pay the rent outta the left over 2200 but we were suffereing. we dont even have a tv in the house, nor a car to get around. he ended up spending all that money plus 500$ extra and now we ar suffering this pay because we only have 700$ and rent is 500$. he learned that he cant just go out and spend all he wants and go crazy over there. n go out when ever he wants because he has a family he has to take care of over here. so maybe your husband will be in a situation similar to ours and his braincells will click lol. sorry. but also what you can do is when he calls, dont answer sometimes. act like you are too busy for him and you are out having fun. so what you can do is go to the mall, the library, go for walks, forgt aobut the chores in the house for a day or so and spent time with your son. one thing i learned is you cant have a picture perfect life especailly with a newborn. its impossible. let the chores slip a little bit. you will eventually get back in the game oncce you get ur energy back. carrying a baby for 9 months then pushing him out like most of us do is hard work and men dont realize that even tho they say they may. good luck hun. just take it easy and just have fun with your son. thats all i can tell u. cuz thats what i do. i still have soot in my kitchen walls and bathroom but hey i say screw it and me n my baby girl get dressed hop on the bus and go walk the mall all day lol.

Mary - posted on 08/31/2010

my husband is in the navy. he is in greece for a year. we have 2 kids 4 and 2 year old. the one thing i can say is communication is the key. it is very hard being a navy wife. keep your head up it will be ok.

Ashley - posted on 08/30/2010

You should feel lucky that you hear from him almost everyday. You signed up for this life. Don't take your frustrations out on him. He'll start to resent you. I am a wife of an 11B (infantryman) and I am LUCKY to get a quick call every two weeks (last deployment there was an ENITRE month I didn't hear from him). I am raising OUR two children (ages 5 and 3) by myself. But you know what? I know he's having a hard time over there, he's told me so. He has acknowledged that I have one of the TOUGHEST jobs raising our kids by myself with a disability of my own. We found out we were pregnant with our son a 2 1/2 weeks before he left for basic. He went from being there everyday but 4 days of my first pregnancy. With our son, it didn't sink in that he had a kid on the way until Family weekend when i went to see him and he could feel the baby move. That pregnancy, he was around for *maybe* two months. I was lucky, VERY lucky that my husband's CO made sure he was home for the birth of our 2nd baby by letting him do rear-d stuff until 10 days after his birth. I was a high risk pregnancy but i did it mostly on my own. I packed up our house and cleaned it by MY SELF. I actually sent my self into pre-term labor and I was fixing to move here in less than a week. He deployed for the first time when my son wasn't even 5 months old and our daughter 2 1/2. You need to complain less and act more. Find friends. You're NOT the only one with these feelings. I'm not talking you need to friend EVERYONE around you, but even just a few faithful friends helps more than you can imagine. We take our kids places together, have meals together every now and then. These friends have actually turned into family. Neither deployment did I move home. I stayed right here waiting for him making his house a home he can come home to and just be with us. You have to stay strong. The last thing you want to do is mope around the house in front of your child(ren) because then they will pick up your habits and you don't want that. When I'm really missing him, I write him an email that simply says, "I love you and miss you." and he may not reply but he saves those emails to go back and read when he misses us and needs motivation to do what he has to do to bring him and his men home alive to be with us. I'll be honest, next December when he gets out, will be one of the GREATEST days in my life. But until then I do what I got to do to take care of my children, our home and myself. My children are enrolled for hourly daycare and super saturdays. Those are the best two things this post offers and I use it like you wouldn't believe because sometimes I just want to take a nap.
Remember, it's your baby too. Stop referring to your child as his. I feel if you think you're old enough to have sex, you're old enough to care for your child(ren). So just do it.
The U.S Government has declared me disabled, but I still take care of my children with very little complaints. Find a hobby. Find friends. Build a support system. No one but you can build it for you. Utilize the resources you have. And if you refuse to better your situation, you have no one else to blame your misery on but your self. So, I guess what I'm saying is, put your big girl panties on and deal with it. If some one offers you help, take it. You'll be happy you did.

Danielle - posted on 08/30/2010

Yvonne, I hear ya! My husband is deployed right now (in Iraq) and I just had our third child in March. I'm beyond stressed taking care of three kids on my own but I guess I'm lucky in that my husband was there when the other two were babies so he does have somewhat of an idea what I'm going through. He never had to do it on his own, though. Your husband may not get it because this IS your first child. I think you can agree with me when I say that you don't realize how much goes into taking care of a baby until they're here. He hasn't gone through that yet since he's been pretty much gone the whole time. It's like reality hasn't set in for him. I don't know you or your husband personally so it's hard to say if he's just clueless or what but I'd be willing to bet he doesn't mean to make you feel this way. Maybe you can compromise...since he is far away and without you two it doesn't really make sense for him to never go out and do things with his friends but maybe he can agree to call and check in on you two before he spends a day or night out. That's not asking too much. I know it's hard being the one at home with restrictions on what you can do. I was very jealous of my husband when he was at AIT and would go out with friends while I was stuck at home taking care of two screaming kids...I think it's natural to feel that way. Just know that he would probably much rather be at home with you and your son if he had the choice. Again, just assuming here because I don't know your husband but I know most dads/husbands would much rather be at home with their family. Hope things get better!

April - posted on 08/27/2010

Well first I would like to start by saying I was by myself taking care of my daugther while he was in Iraq. It was tough, but you have to do it. He is doing his job and like it or not we have to stand by them. We are their backbones. Without them they would be lost over there. he has a lot to focus on. Though I don't know what it is like to be in the navy, sorry. But If you feel like getting out ask a friend to watch your kid and go take a break or better yet the navy just like the army has a program where you can get a list of babysitters to help you out and for low costs. Even can put your kid in daycare a few hours a day and can have time alone...but dont give up being a military wife can be stressful but it will be worth it when your man gets home...good luck and stick in there and if you ever wanna talk just hit me up.

Nancy - posted on 08/26/2010

I know exactly how you feel. My husband is also active duty Navy. I found out I was pregnant with our son just two weeks after he left and I had a 7 month old to take care of. It was very difficult.

My husband had a hard time bonding with our son because he wasn't there for most of the pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, my husband is an amazing dad. But for awhile it just wasn't the same with our son as it was for our daughter.

The best advice I can give you is simply this. Find a way to channel all of your feelings into being the best Navy wife you know how to be in your own way. It's very, very, very difficult. I used to be so jealous of my husband and so angry that I never got a "day off" to just relax. I used to complain that I never got to drive by myself anywhere, etc.

My kids are now 2 1/2 and 1 and I've somehow morphed into the "uber mom." I don't participate with any FRGs or anything like that. I don't really talk to my neighbors. Instead, I started up my own nonprofit so I felt some validity in this world while still giving back to others.

I also realized something (and this is a hard one to do so), even though my husband was gone, got to go out and stuff, think about everything he's missing. He's missing watching his child grow up. And nothing can pluck a man's heart strings quite like his child.

The point is, you two are not going to understand what the other is going through and because of that, communication is very difficult. Don't blame him, don't resent him... remember, its not his fault he's gone. And though he may not say it, his heart is breaking because he can't be with his wife and child. He may disregard it because it really hurts to much.

My honest advice is to try and understand what he's going through and where he's coming from. My husband is going to write an article for my site (http://www.afrugalmilitaryfamily.org) in two weeks about the perspective of being an active duty Dad. Check it out and it may help.

If you ever need anyone to vent to, please email me! I know how you're feeling.

(nancyesheppard@afrugalmilitaryfamily.org)

Annie - posted on 08/26/2010

WHAT!? Are you serious? What part of being a military spouse do you not get.....the military is not about you, it is about our constitution and selflessness, this includes selflessness of the spouse as well. 1. You are married to a military man....you are lucky he got to be there for the birth....the military is not just a job, it is something bigger than you, your baby, and even your husband. His dedication to it is honorable and selfless.
2. Did you think the pay and benefits we all get included unlimited family time and guaranteed holidays from war and deployments. Feel blessed he was home for the birth, before this war....if a troop found out his wife is having the baby...too bad...he would have to wait to meet the child. It is your responsibility as a parent to keep your child associated to the other parent in their absence, like showing him/her pictures of their father, talking about the good things about the other parent. SO what if the baby wont meet him until later....you can make it easier for him and your baby if you (even now) have his picture as apart of your play time with the baby and talk to your baby about him.

3. He didn't make that baby by himself (you are taking care of YOURS and his) baby.
4. He is in a war zone, on his day off...they might have had a mortar attack, lines are down, whatever. You should be more concerned about that than anything. If he were on a TDY it would be different, but he is deployed....DEPLOYED....meaning he has alot of crap to deal with already. I am so sorry you feel like like you are not being supported for having to stay home....play with the baby....whine about being a single mother (that is finacially covered), sorry but a real single mother would want to slap you.....go to bed with out bombs going off....and be comfortable at home. He is so crappy for hanging out and partying up with other military that are ina WAR ZONE, after all, they don't need a mental break from the stress of being in a war. It is selfish of him for not calliing you every day! because your stress is more important than his. Absolutely!.....he needs to wake up and realize you might get PTSD from being a well provided for single mother......

5. So you had to be pregnant all by yourself....do you know how many women have gone through pregnancy being abused by some one, not just physical abuse. Or that truely single mother that had to work no matter how her ankles and feet felt. But...no, this has nothing on being in your shoes.

I can go on and on...but I am tired of looking at your comment. As a military wife, I can say, there are many wives that understand you are young and new to the life of being a military spouse, but you WILL NOT get sympathy like this. The best thing you can do is find spouse support and let them help you learn to cope. Until you do this you will be very unhappy and make your husband miserable. You want him to call, talk about the good things, he has enough to deal with, get over yourself.

Kristine - posted on 08/26/2010

My husband was gone the whole pregnancy, for the birth, and for the first 4 months. She is 2 years old now and he never really got into the whole being a dad thing. He is still all about him doing what he wants and going out with his friends all the time while I am home 24/7 raising our daughter. Being a military wife is like being a single mom anyways but it sure would help if he were involved when he was home.

Yvonne - posted on 08/25/2010

I know that i signed up for this I am the one who encouraged him to inlist. all i am saying is I find it hard to be a world away not hear from him and be a mom and still have him tell me that i can continue my life just the way it was before the baby Sorry but NO you cant things change i cant just leave and go out with friends whenever the hell i want I cant do alot of things I have a child attached to my hip while he sits with his friends playing WOW (world of warcraft) on the computer and going out drinking. he works an 8-5 shift and he doesnt call on his days off sometimes so it becomes frustrating as all of you may know. Yes some of you are right this life is not for everyone but none of you can tell me that it doesnt get tiring.and that there have not been things in this life that make you frustrated. All I would like to see is some support as much as he possibly could while being that far away, and im not getting it. i send him pictures and videos all of the time and not once have I gotten a reply. Before he left he wanted me to open an account on WOW so that I could talk to him whenever I wanted im sorry but I am NOT going to open a stupid account on a game i can not stand just to talk to my husband he can call me instead of playing a damn game. and dont get me wrong going out every now and then and having a drink to relieve stress or whatever is fine we all need that but when it is almost every day thats a bit much. and then calling at 12:00 his time right before he goes to bed so he says hi and thats pretty much it i dont get to actually have a conversation with him is kinda shady and is really annoying. Im sorry I know that it seems like I am just bitching but I really am just tired i need some moral support from him and he doesnt even give me the time of day.

Daisey - posted on 08/25/2010

Being a mother is the best thing in life. My husband retired after 20 years in the Army. We have been married 28 years and lived together about 5 years of that. He has a job with a company that makes military vechiles. And is gone most of the time traving. He is in Canada now. But tries to call about every other night. We have 4 childred that are grown now. 2 are in the military and 1 daugthers husband is in the Army National guards. If you love him you can make it. Prayers are always a good thing.

Tah - posted on 08/25/2010

Heather said it all..listen i have 3 children, i work and go to school, and when my husband was deployed i missed him, im blessed that he is an IT and we talked daily..but when he would call me from a club or say he was going to a restaurant or bar, i would feel jealous....i think that is the right word..maybe even a little resentful. because he and I are best friends so when he is home, we do those things together and when he leaves it falls on me and it's the same with 99% of us....but what i never did was made that man feel guilty or like he wasnt a good husband and father because after 2-3 weeks on a small ship(destroyer) he wanted to go have a beer, esp after he has spent countless nights not sleeping at all, fighting pirates..literallyy. etc....even when they are stationed in places like Bahrain they are still at work for long hours often, so they deserve a break like we do..the thing is..this is what we signed up for..and like Heather said, the last thing they need is to be made to feel bad....now he should call, but just because they arent helping us burp the baby doesnt mean that they dont care, like i said we do sign up for this...and sometimes we get frustrated, but this is our life, and some people arent built for it and thats fine...

Jackie - posted on 08/25/2010

I know how you feel. My husband is deployed right now, and I sometimes feel like im a single mom. And before that when i was still pregnant and shortly after, he was in training and then had to go to school, so he was hardly home to help. It is frustating, and Its draining. Keep your head up. This experience will, if not already has made you a stronger woman and mother =]

Heather - posted on 08/25/2010

I totally understand your frustration and how tiring part-time single motherhood can be. You have to be willing to put your child in daycare or get a babysitter, even just once a month, so you can have some adult time. There's nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself every now and then because we all do, but I get so frustrated when I hear about wives saying, "I didn't sign up to be a single parent", or "It's not fair that he gets to go out on his time off and I'm taking care of a child 24/7". If you married a soldier, marine, sailor, or other military member, you DID sign up to be a single parent most of the time. You promised to be with him for better or worse and to love and cherish all the moments you DO have together. He stays in a constant state of rediness to kill or be killed, he's trained to follow orders without question and give his life to save others(that includes you and your child). So, if after a long day of constantly being on edge and dealing with life threatening stress, he goes out to the bar, I would have to say, "Go for it!" You have to be confident that he not only deals with his stress, but yours too. Especially if all you do is complain and cry to him when you talk, he's not going to want to call and be made to feel bad for not being there when he has no control over his circumstances. Cassie and her husband decided to get out of the military and that may be the best decision for you too if you're not willing to bare the burden of being a military wife. No judgement, just a suggestion. Good luck and God bless.

Cassie - posted on 08/25/2010

My husband is also in the navy and I am so sick of this feeling!!! I have a five year old and a three year old. My husband has lived with our three year old for about 9 or 10 months out of his entire life. I didn't see the situation getting any better so with our family and our marriage's best interest at heart we decided that he needed to get out of the military. I think its an awesome job for single people but for families its really really hard. I hope your situation gets better but mine never did so I am soo looking forward to living a normal life where my husband comes home to his family every night! Good luck!

Rheba - posted on 08/25/2010

I sorta get where you are coming from, my husband is deployed, and by lucky chance, he was home for the birth of our daughter because of emergency leave. He left when she was ten days old, and will be home at the end of the year. I'm lucky though, my husband always makes time to call and talk to us. He's also having a hard time though, because he really didn't want to leave her.

Yvonne - posted on 08/25/2010

Serena you are so right!!! Ya I do have help but its still the principle and im too stubborn to take the help most of the time I started an arobic dance class and get out twice a week for an hour so that is going to help im sure but I still dont want help from all of my friends and family I truley just want his help and support... I guess it goes back to that old saying want in one hand s*** in the other...lol

Tara - posted on 08/24/2010

Ugh, I feel your pain too. It's our 3rd deployment and this one is a year long! I'm not taking his side, but I'm guessing it's probably hard for him to talk about it. He might feel a little guilty deep-down that he's able to do all those fun things while you can't. One thing I did when my husband was deployed (and missed our first child's birth) was to take a day and write down every single thing I did, minute by minute, and email it to him to give him an idea of what my day was like. It looked like this...

7am baby woke up
7:05-35 nursed baby
7:40-45 changed diaper, etc. etc etc.

It maybe helped him a little (or not) understand what I was feeling, but it certainly helped me feel better. I hope you have some friends in the same unit to help you hang in there! It WILL get better!!!

Crystal - posted on 08/24/2010

I feel your pain. My son's almost 3 weeks old now, and my husband wasn't able to be able to be there for the birth because they were doing field training for a deployment to Kuwait in October. He's going to be able to take leave next month to come visit, but then he'll be gone for the next year. This is his first deployment and our first child.
I think the most important thing to remember is that your hubby is supporting the two of you the best way he knows how. The lack of communication and what seems to be him ignoring you is probably him feeling guilty about not being there and just not knowing how to handle it himself.
I'm discovering quickly that being a mommy is a lot of work...especially when daddy isn't around for support or help. But unlike a single parent, we are blessed with a loving partner...we've just got to wait a bit longer for him to come home from work.
The next year is going to be tough, but we'll make it =)

Beth - posted on 08/24/2010

Every military spouse goes through this.
You keep yourself busy , and take me time after jr is in bed for the night.
I know your frustrated but it's just as hard on him being away from you and the baby.
I still get frustrated b/c not it's not fair, they get to do basicly whatever they want after hrs and we have to take care of kids 24/7. He changes the subject because it's hard on him hearing how miserable you are. He needs to know that you can handle things on this end so he can do his job on that end.
What do you do? you get a hobby, or revive an old one. You get through each day knowing you are doing the best you can for your child. He's missing all of those little smiles, and sounds , being able to hold him etc. Nope you can't go party and this still pisses me off when I'm stuck at home with his two kids and he's off somewhere he goes out the a bar/restaurant and I'm stuck eating hotdogs and mac and cheese.
You suck it up and drive on , cause if you don't your family falls apart.

Serena - posted on 08/24/2010

I think we have all been there at some time or another. I always call it "single parent with dual income" status. When my husband was underway in the Pacific, sometimes phone calls would cost $30 for 15-20 minute conversations so we didn't get to speak much and skype wasn't around yet. So I know how lost one can get in their own head, I find myself still doing it now when he is on duty for two or three days at a time. A lot of it is also the grass is greener syndrome because I have brought that up to him after I see that he went out or something (thru our online banking) and then he turns around tells me that I have the freedom to go whenever I want. In my head I am screaming, "how am I supposed to do that with a baby?" there's no freedom with children.
Do you have any help around? I luckily was around my parents at that time and had them to watch my baby when I just didn't think I could go on any longer. Even if you have to pay a babysitter you deserve a break, and don't let anyone tell you different. They say being a stay at home mom is a full time job, I disagree...full time jobs you still get a lunch break and your shift is over after a max of 12 hours. Good luck :)

Yvonne - posted on 08/23/2010

Tah I dont know that orders are offered according to rank but when we tried to get his orders changed to accompanied they denied us because of his rank and I was pregnant. This is just what I have been told so I DNK. It's not that I dont trust him I just dont like it he always tells me what he has done which is a good thing but sometimes I think I could go without knowing that he went to certain clubs with his shipmates. i trust in him and that he will do what is right I dont necessaraly trust some of his friends, like you said but I have to trust him, theres nothing else I can do if I didnt trust him then I think I might drive myself insane with the what if's....

Yvonne - posted on 08/23/2010

thank you to everyone who replied its nice knowing your not the only one and that there are other people who have to go threw the same thing, even though you know in your head that your not the only one it still feels like it so thanks to all of you.I spoke with my husband the other day and of course i couldnt keep my feelings stuck inside he heard it in my voice that something was up so I had to "spill the beans" so to speak. I explained how I felt and he comforted me alittle bit more. I actually think that I/we just might make it threw...lol Okay okay i know I/we will it just SUCKS!!!!!! Thanks again to everyone who responded.

Colleen - posted on 08/22/2010

i know exactly what you are going through. My husbands in currently on his 3rd deployment. His deployments have been to Iraq though and this one to Kuwait. He is army. The first one I spent most of it pregnant ( I got pregnant on his 2 weeks R&R at home) He came home 3 weeks before I had our oldest daughter. He was then deployed from when she was 18 months to 2 and half. He has now just left in May So my oldest is 4 and half and my youngest is now 15 months old. It is hard you are virtual a single parent. You are dealing with the on stress of being a new mom by yourself. It is a lot you mental Just try to be strong. You may not think so and he may not admit it but it is hard on them too. My husband has missed a lot of first in his daughters lifes that he will never get to be a part of. including my oldest first day of school. I definately understand the trapped in your house feeling you get sometimes. Feel free to message me anytime I've survived 2 deployments and Im living through another one now.

User - posted on 08/22/2010

My husband is in the Navy too, And were expecting our frist child in two weeks. My husband is currently on deployment so I'm left alone having our child with the family! My husband was around for the frist 5months of my pregnancy but I had to go throught the rest on my own. I'm all alone with my newborn and dog when I move back to where my husband is based and I have no cluse how i am going to be able to do it all with a newborn! I only talk to my husband by email and sometimes If Im lucky I'l get one phone call in a month. So I understand how you feel. But Our husband's our doing their job and even if you express how you feel about being the only one that takes care your child. but that's what navy life is about, Us weman hav to be strong for our family and husbands. All i can tell you is to hang in there and just remember why your husband is serveing in the navy!!! Good Luck!

Tah - posted on 08/22/2010

@yvonne..o..i didnt know that..i just know when my husband was ready to pick shore duty orders they offered him Bahrain i didnt know it was offered according to rank..okay..here is the bottom line..in essence we do become pseudosingle parents. when my husband is deployed he calls when they hit a port, we talk for awhile and he tells me they are going to eat or to a bar or to aclub, and i trust him..some of his shipmates..no..but him yes...the servicemember needs to be sensitive of what is going on at home, i agree with kimberly....there is no reason he cant at least call you on his days off....

Kimberly - posted on 08/22/2010

I was in the same situation as this in 2008. Except for the newborn thing. I have a now 4 year. At the time she was 2. Not only was I a "single parent" but I had to deal with a cry scream 2 year old EVERY NIGHT, crying about missing her daddy. My husband was stationed in Korea. We went thru the same thing. We didn't skype just called thru phone cards. It was a very hard time in my life. So I know exactly how u feel. He was able to go out clubbing and partying and when he was off or not at work he wouldn't answer my calls or call me. Every relationship deals with things differently so all I can do is tell u want I did. I have trust issues with men so that didn't help at all. But I told him one day that I couldn't do it anymore. And I told him the things that were going thru my mind and told him that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I told him I sit at home taking care of our child and its not fair that I have to stress about not only dealing with our child but I also have to stress about the way he is acting. I told him if things didn't change then I would "change things" It was an eye opener for him. He went to a marriage retreat they had in korea and they told him that even tho it is hard for him to be away its harder on the wives and that the only thing to make it easier on the wives is to call them as much as possible. Korea wasn't an accompanied tour but we were able to move there. We put our things in storage and moved out there on our own money. We had to pay for our plane tickets but the day after we got there I took my passport and plane tickets to the housing office and they started our OHA (oversea's housing allowance) which (from what we were told) they have to pay you no matter what the rank is.
Like I said I know how u feel I REALLY DO!!! And I'm sorry that u are feeling the way you. Its a horrible feeling. I really hope things work out. But I think you should really just talk to him and let u know how u feel. Good luck! And congrats on the baby!

Yvonne - posted on 08/21/2010

Yes Bahrain does allow family to accompany service members but unfortunatly you have to make pay grade E4 to have family accompany you. We actually tried to get me over there and they denied our request after the fact that we were told I could we had most of our stuff shipped over there and I had already bought my plane tickets and quit my job.so untill my husband makes E4 which he should by the end of this yr. I will be able to move there unless he comes stateside.

Tah - posted on 08/21/2010

you know that bahrain allows the family to coome over there now right?...how long does he have left over there...if i could be with my husband you bet i would...

Debra - posted on 08/21/2010

Hey Yvonne...I sent you a message as my reply was too long to post here...heehee Just keep your chin up!