Has anyone had to deal with not having contact with the baby's father?

Challis - posted on 03/16/2010 ( 73 moms have responded )

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My son is now almost 15 months old. His Dad left when I was three months pregnant after we had been together for almost three years. I've had to deal with a lot of resentment, anger, abondonment, and hurt. I'm now facing paternity issues as the state that I live in is pursuing child support. I believe that having to face him is inevitable but am so scared/apprehensive about it. I don't know what to say to him. When he walked away I didn't chase him and have not spoken to him in almost two years. I am contemplating sending him a letter but really need advise. Has anyone else had to deal with this? Or have advise? I would really appreciate some direction!!

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Nikki - posted on 03/17/2010

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I am dealing with my sons father being "absent" in his life. My son was abandoned by him when he was eight months old. In our case the state is pursuing child support from him too as I could not afford a attorney. I am still married to him as again I could not afford a attorney to get me a divorce and child support court ordered but DHS handles these situations as I see you know. I too have dealt with all of those emotions and it gets harder when your child begins to "ask questions" about where is my Dad :( I did write my sons father and it helped me to get my emotions out so I did feel a little better but he could care less so I have accepted that fact now as it's been three years ago he abandoned my son. For me I hurt so much for my son knowing the pain he will endure once he is old enough to understand his reality. It's heart breaking . Only time helps us to heal the wounds these guys inflict on their own children and also I have found unfortunately there are so many cases like ours. It seems to be getting worse these days and it's quite scary to me . MY parents are still married for 48 years now and raised three children so I found it shocking to realize there are men out there who simply walk away without any concern for their children. I can only hope they live to regret what they have done. My best advice is to pray about it and seek counseling for your feelings in order to come to terms with your resentment . I know I had to deal with those feelings myself and once I put it behind me I became a better mother to my son and he sure needs and deserves love :) You can be proud of yourself for being a good mom to your son and he will cherish you . If the day comes you do have to face his father I hope you will hold your head high knowing you have taken good care of yals son .You are the blessed one to have your boy and his father is the one who loses out.

God Bless and Good Luck to you :)

Taborah - posted on 03/22/2010

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My daughter's father has never been close to our daughter. He use to call, email or visit, but it was not frequent. He was only into me and when I broke up with him his distance with our daughter grew stronger. He acted like sending me money for her was a favor he was doing for me. Finally one day I told him to disappear and crawl under a rock. He did, for 3 years until one day my daughter said she wanted to see him. Against my wishes, I called him and arranged for them to see each other. She was happy and that made me happy, but he couldn't focus on her for wanted to be with me. He still had no real interest in being a father to her. He slowly faded away and I was happy that I didn't have to share any parenting decisions with him. I continued to speak of him in a positive way and we kept him in our prayers. I explained to my daughter that God did not want who he is distilled in her that is why he keeps him away. I tell her that her father in heaven has her best interest at heart and that he loves you more than anybody. She is the sweetest person I know. My advice to you is to give him a call and open the door for him to decide who he wants to be to your child. Once you've done that you will have peace of mind knowing that you did what you could. The decision will be his on what or who he wants to be to his child, but you will have clarity of mind and peace in your heart. Many blessings to you.

Carrie - posted on 03/22/2010

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I have dealt with that. I was 16 when I had my first son and his dad acted like the high school teenage boy that he was when he found out. He denied my son and I was young and emotional. But at the time my mom had me deep in church so I found strength in the word and praying but the pain was still there. You know, my child did nothing to you and didn't ask to be born. But I sent ultra-sound pics, photos on his day on earth, wrote and mailed him progress reports from crawling, to walking, everything. Kept him up to speed on Dr's appt. even. The entire time he continued to deny my son. But I took comfort in knowing what I was doing was right and rare. And in the end he thanked me and said that he was glad that I kept him up tp speed. Eventually every boy has to become a man. And when he does make sure he can look at you and say wow you remained you through to the end. I could've been ignorant and childish and acted a fool but I didn't I didn't want his reason for not seeing his son to be because he had an ignorant dramatic cliche' baby momma. Dare to be different and do whats best for the kids!

Eliza - posted on 04/09/2010

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My daughter is 10 years old. Her father and I were only together for a little over 2 years when we split up. 9 years later he is very inactive in her life. We went through the custody disputes and child support issues as well, to the point he threatened to take custody a few times. But I kept my head because I knew that he would not get her. I was afraid as well to go into court to deal with everything. But I also knew that was what he wanted from me.....fear. I didn't give into him on this. But as I said earlier, here we are 9 years later and he is just as inactive in her life now as he was the day she was born. I have moved on in my life. I leave the decision to her whether she wants him on her life or if she wants anything to do with him as well. She makes her feelings known to him. He doesn't listen to her, but she knows she got it out there. The only advice I can give to you as a single mom is to keep your head up and persevere. Don't let him see you cry and breakdown. Keep moving forward, not just for you, but for your son as well. Its not an easy road, but you can make it a little bit better. Pave the way honey to a better future but don't shut the door on your past. That's what makes us who we are!

Jackie - posted on 03/20/2010

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both of my children by 2 different men have had nothing to do with my childe=ren excpet for when my sons father demanded a paternity test and even after that he didnt bother just all u need to remember is it is not about either of u but the kids and if he wants contact and u really dont want to see him this can be done at a contact centre hope this helps x

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Linda - posted on 04/10/2013

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Hello Challis
It sounds to me that you have few options and should avoid bringing more stress into your life. Your son's Dad has shown blatant disregard for his emotional and financial wellbeing and I would have to conclude that he is unlikely to change. (I assume he knows your whereabouts?) The need to make contact is taking a new turn now - as the authorities are pursuing maintenance i.e. maybe this is the best course of action. My grandson has never seen his father; I took the view that his mother might want to know and, with my daughters approval, wrote to her of the joy he had brought to our lives and sent a few photographs. I did not hear anything back. My daughter is struggling financially and attempts were made to contact the Father, to no avail. My advice would be to let the state deal with it - meanwhile, keep a door open (psychologically) if the Father wants contact and if he has the child's best interests at heart i.e. if it feels safe to let him know where you are living.
If you are tempted to write to your son's Father, try not to be judgmental . . .

Mischa - posted on 09/17/2012

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Same thing is happening to me. I know what you are going through. I don't want to face him either!

Autumn - posted on 04/11/2010

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I left my boys' father when I was 2 months pregnant with our 3rd son. He has only seen them once in 7 years when the baby was about 9 months old. For us it was the best thing that could've happened. We had a very volatile relationship which my oldest son still remembers & deals with everyday. He calls them about once a year usaually around tax time so he can ask for money, He has never supported his children nor do I ever expect him to. My advice would be to just stay strong because your son is gonna need you to be & if he really wants to be involved he will let you know. Don't force him because he will resent you which will make things tough for both you & your son. Good luck!

Leslie - posted on 04/10/2010

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My daughter is 10. I have not seen or heard from her father since I told him I was pregnant. She doesn't know who he is. He packed up and moved to Texas. I tried to find him for child support but have had no luck. I was angry at first. Then I realized that if he would do this than he wasn't meant to be sharing in my miracle. I know this may sound crazy. It has been a struggle but I have done just fine and I don't have the headache of having to continuously fight in court. There was a period of time that she wanted her dad. As she got older she stopped asking. I have never lied to her. I have always told her the truth about her father. We are very happy. There is a man out there that will be there for you and your son. As Elisa said, you hold your head high and be proud of your son. Don't let his father get you down. You are his mother and he needs you to be strong. Any decisions I make for her are mine. I don't have to argue with someone that doesn't agree with me. It has it's pro's and con's. Your situation is different from mine. You will have your up's and down's. Just remember, he will grow up fast so cherish every moment.

Kimberly - posted on 04/10/2010

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Challis I am in a very simular situation. My daughter is almost 16 months old and I havent heard from her father since I was 3 months pregnant as well. I been considering taking him down to child support but have been kind of scared to do so. But when I read your post I knew there was other moms out there like me. I commend you for doing so and good luck and I hope everything comes out in your favor. You have inspired me to do so.

Gail - posted on 04/10/2010

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well i am in the same issue and my sons only four months though. i learned that baby comes first if you feel like you want to get back together makes sure he would be a good influence and helps you with your son then if you are serious about getting together no one can tell you how you feel contact him if you want. i haven't contacted my sons father due to his behavior wen we were together i don't want my son to grow up like that. as for you do wat your heart tells you but remember baby comes first good luck

Janetta - posted on 04/10/2010

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I'm dealing with that now. My child is 15 months and i ahven spoken to her father since I was two months pregnant. I've seen he serveral times on the street and i just smiled a waved (hoping he would feel really stupid). I'm going through child support as well. He requested DNA but our appointment was yesterday and he didn't even show up. I was apprehensive about seeing him too since we haven't been face -to- face in two year but for the sake of my child i put my mask on.
Just know you can't make him do right by his child all you can doing is show him that the both of you are fine and will make wihtout his input. When you see him always smile , always be a lady and say hello. He may have broken your heart but he cant break your spirit

Debbie - posted on 04/09/2010

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I raised my son from 9 months on without his Dad, no support of any kind.. I had no family around just my friends. I worked a reg 40 hour workweek until he was 8 years old. Anyway, I knew he wasn't going to child support and visitation was too scary. I followed legal recourse but he didn't show up.

Take one day at a time. I prayed ALOT. I've prayed for you.

Dee - posted on 04/09/2010

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as above, even if you don't post the letter, it will truly make you feel better, just to get it off your chest

Dee - posted on 04/09/2010

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i think writing him a letter is the best start to having a parental relationship. writing a letter will give you the opportunity to say everything you want to say without any interuption or arguments. this will then open the door to further communication with your ex. i too am a single mum and have been since my son was 24 hours old. i had crashing hormones when we split up and i didn't write a letter but confronted him directly and said alot of things i regret. before you post the letter, read it back to yourself and make sure you are happy with the content.

Regina - posted on 04/09/2010

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Well my daughter's father didn't see her until she was 3 years old after he left me. I did not press for child support. And I know he is behind on child support already. I am thinking long term that if something happens to me (b/c his name isn't on anything for my kids) that my will states who my kids are to go too when I die. I still feel angry, resentment, etc, but I am leaving all that up to GOD to take care of him. A man can't do wrong by his seed and get away with it. I said kids, because I have a 5 month old by him also. I am doing it alone and I am proud of that. I want to make sure my kids are in the best hands and environment, so he can't say he wants them for the weekend and then just leaves them over at someone else's house while he runs the streets. I guess it is the fact that I have to be a good mother first and foremost. I love him but he isn't mature enough to be a good role model in the kids lives right now. Maybe he will grow up. My kids know who has been there for them and it hasn't been him or his family. My advise is If you get child support good, I just don't want my kids to go with a man that turned his back on them b/c that's not love. Some of these men are just selfish!!!! Keep your head up girl....Go to GOD for help and direction.

Corin - posted on 04/08/2010

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My daughters dad only saw me a few times when I was pregnant and has yet to meet her, she's 2 1/2. I might talk to him a few times a year, usually when he's single looking for sympathy. Michigan went after him for child support and since he lives in Oklahoma it's been a hassle. I have only received support once in 2 1/2 years. He feels since he doesn't see her he shouldn't pay. He makes me feel like I'm with holding her, which I'm not. He's more than welcome to see her, but I'm not going to Oklahoma. I personally could care less about him, but I do worry that eventually my daughter will have issues because her father is absent. I'm more concerned for her well being than my own and I hope I can raise her to feel secure and loved. It's up to you if you want to speak to him, but don't do it for you, do it for your son. Personally I'm glad the tool is out of her life. He can walk out when I'm pregnant then who know's if he will do it again to us if I let him back in our lives. Good luck, I know how hard it is.

Jessi - posted on 04/08/2010

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same here. w/in 1mo of finding out i was pregnant he had found someone new. i tried to keep in contact with him for my sons sake but he always had some excuse. in 2yrs now he has only called twice & has still yet to meet my son. my state went after him for child support but frankly i do not want it. i have considerd requesting that he give up all rights but his older childs mother advised not to do so in fear he will sew for custody out of spite. after emailing him "reaming him a new a**hole" he is slowly but surely stepping up (VERY SLOWLY).

Christina - posted on 04/08/2010

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My son will be 5 on the 26th of this month and his father left when I was pregnant also and has only seen him maby four times, I think about writing a letter to him or something so my son can know his father but I don't want to push him cause if he does not want to be involved then that's his loss. I don't know your situation with your babys dad but if you are going to court he will have the oppertunity to ask for visation, Anyway I would at least write the letter even if you do not send it so that way when you are face to face with him you will be able to say what you need a little easier. I know when I see my sons dad around town I get all shaky and stuff but I remind my self it's about my son not the sperm donner ( Father) so I try to react appropritly.
I don't know if any of this will help Good Luck to you

Jennifer - posted on 04/08/2010

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the fact that there are so many of us that can relate is really heartbreaking and tragic.. Where have all the MEN gone? Wow!!

Jennifer - posted on 04/08/2010

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I was in the exact same situation. I never wanted to file child support, but we had to in order to get health insurance in the State of MN. I can relate to all the feelings you are going through and though I do not know the exact circumstances surrounding his leaving (which I believe is not your fault.no matter how many excuses he may try to bring up) I do wish I could give you a big hug and let you know that you are going to be okay. At first I did write letters and send pictures through the address the courts provided on our statements, but after about a year I decided that it was enough. He called once and said he wanted to meet me but was a "no show" I determined that I really did not want people in mine or my son's life that really did not want to be there for us. He is a big boy and if he truly wanted to be a father or wanted to be there he would.. regardless of whatever strange notions he had about me. Strong women get the crap stick when it comes to being understood in our actions at times.. and I am learning that is okay as real people do understand. I have written letters to Jamison's dad (and I actually do it for other unmended relationships as well).. but I keep them more for my healing in most cases. If he is the one that left you have nothing to be scared of.. if its false accusations or slander.. then rest assured that courts have no time for that to be honest. Maybe write it and then after the hearing give it to him? Just a suggestion.. remember this (my writing mentor told me this and its good).. ALWAYS make and keep copies of EVERYTHING you write.. it may be something your child could see down the road or help you in times of hardship to remember your own words.. just another suggestion.. GOOD FOR YOU FOR NOT CHASING HIM!!! That makes you strong.. very strong!! If you do write a letter that you intend to send or give him, try to make it as discreet as possible.. what I mean is -- no name callings or anything like that.. if he is not stable himself or blaming you for something it may come back to bite you.. take the high road and do something really fun with your child today or something good for you (I personally like pedicures and road trips with my camera..) I so understand what you feel..so please know you are not alone.. I think we are the reason they started this website in the first place!! Remember these are just suggestions, the end result is always yours. Blessings!

Safiyah - posted on 04/08/2010

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Well, my daughter is almost three (in September) and her father and I broke up when I was three months as well. His family sees her and get her sometimes, but he doesn't. I am seeking child support too, and had all of those same feelings towards him as you do. I think its best for you to say whatever you feel-be it through a letter, or email or something. I did! They know its wrong what they did-will probably never fully admit it, but for you to be able to move on and have a healthy relationship with the next man-you should! I hope it works out hun, and good luck to you.

Amanda - posted on 04/07/2010

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Well let me tell you, I have been in the same situation as you. My daughters father left as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I was 6 weeks along. When she was about 6 months old I initiated child support proceedings with the state and let me tell you the morning that I had to go to court I was so nervous I was sick to the point of heaving over the toilet because I had not seen him since he left. There was nothing really to worry about, when we were at the desk talking to the attorney he spoke about me as if I wasnt there which made me laugh, and the sad part was I had my daughter with me and he never even looked at her. We had the DNA test and now he is paying child support, he still has not tried to see her and he still will not speak to me, he would LOVE to relinquish his rights but in the state of Texas they wont allow him to do that unless I get married and my husband wants to adopt her. Dont be scared, I know its hard to say but when its all over with you will walk out laughing. Take a friend with you like I did and when its all over with take yourself out to lunch and just unwind. This is a necessary hurdle but not something that you arent strong enough to leap over. Single mothers are some of the strongest people on this planet, there is nothing we cant do, you just remember that.

Jeanell - posted on 04/06/2010

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You don't have to say anything to him. My daughter's father left us when she was three and she hasn't seen him in three years until recently. I was excited at first until I realized that he was only interested in getting the child support removed. I told him no and haven't heard from him again. It sucks because now my daughter thinks that she is going to have a relationship with him and it's not gonna happen. So my advice to you is just let the courts deal with it. You don't have to see him and he doesn't deserve to see you or the baby for that matter anyway.

Jamel - posted on 04/06/2010

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If he hasn't tried to contact you why would you be nice enough to do so? My ex-husband left me when I was 5 months preg. He has never seen his son. I spoke to hime on the phone once and he told me because I did not give him a Hawaiian name that it myst not be his son and that he was not paying the court ordered child support (of only $117 a month) because he wanst his...Mind you I am from a small town with only Black people, white people, and the one Hawaiian that was my ex! He looks just like him yet he refuses to claim him. I don't even know where he is right now and at this point I don't really care. I feel sorry for my son, but everything happens for a reason. We are prob better offf without him, just like you and your child are...forget him...he had his chance to play fair, not it is time to use your anger and get what you deserve!

Yvette - posted on 03/31/2010

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I know that feeling all too well. My sons dad left me also when i was 3months pregnant, i never saw him until he heard through a friend of ours that i had had the baby then he decided he wanted too be in his sons life so i took him back but that only lasted for a month and my son is now 8 and has seen his father maybe 3 times as he's not interested in wanting too be dad. I also have a daughter who's father still claims he's not the dad, he's never met her n fled to sydney when i told him i was pregnant. I had to do paternity for winz too get paid the right amount in my benefit but he wouldn't have a blood test or anything taken n in the end the court awarded the paternity too me and put his name on the birth cert. You don't have too face hime in order to do a peternity test. You don't have to see him or speak too him either. I wouldn't bother sending him a letter but that's me. I think you should get yourself a lawyer n do your paternity via him/her. All it takes is a simple blood test n mouth swab n it's done.Why bring up the past if you don't need too.

Donna - posted on 03/30/2010

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i have dealt with a similar situation, dont say anything,you dont owe him that . he is the one that left you both. you are stronger than u think. hope this helps

Lisa - posted on 03/30/2010

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My daughter who is only 17 is going through the same thing. She is due in September. he left though at the urging of his parents who thought that my daughter and her child were a big mistake. So now we are facing paternity and child support and all he can say is "What are you going to tell it about it's father when it asks?" How about the TRUTH!!!Best of luck with everything that you are going through...the courts do what is in the best interests of the child and has very little to do with the father and mother and child support no matter how little it is will make the childs life at least a little better.

Carrie - posted on 03/30/2010

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i am a single mom that left 2 days before i found out i was pregnant, my girl is almost 6 and im sorry to say that is very difficult facing this, but you can do it - my ex has just showed interest but its not the good kind, i have gone through dhr and we have a court date soon but i have struggled and cried and hurt and he must help and give back, it is not fair to the child and its not fair to us but its the right thing to do, im sure you need help so dont feel bad, you never know it could be a good thing and it might work out to the be the best thing ever! i hope the best for you and your son, just be strong for him - the ideal situation would be to have a loving relationship with the bio father, but God may have another plan, God Bless.

Tricia - posted on 03/30/2010

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hi i think you should get yourself a good lawyer and make that good for nothing bum pay child support

Theresa - posted on 03/27/2010

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Stay strong! The resentment, anger, etc - that's all normal. It's the natural course of healing in a situation, but remember who's done it for your son this long....YOU! You've done all the work and you've made all the sacrifices. My ex cheated on me when I was pregnant with our twins and left for his new gf. They are still living together now and he has no involvement with the boys. I, too, went through the grief process and will have to face him soon in court as well. I plan on looking him in the eye and wishing him luck in life. They had a beautiful gift given to them by God and they chose to walk away. They are the one's that have lost out. Your son is better off.....and super lucky to have such a strong mommy! Good luck and keep your head high!

Xondra - posted on 03/26/2010

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Hi Christy, Yes, give yourself a pat on the back, you deserve it. You sound like you have done very well. It's hard, very hard and a lot of women think they can't do it, but they can. I'm living proof and so are you. Men think women are stupid and can't do anything, but throw them a challenge and see what they do. A lot of them will run. Because they don't want the responsibility. Would love to see the shoe on the other foot sometime, for a man to be pregnant. LOL. They wouldn't make it for 9 months. And if they did they sure wouldn't make it through labor. They are big babies when it comes to pain. They whimper and cry with a belly ache. I don't know you but I'm proud of you too. You just hang in there and you do what you think is right, your children will be grown before you know it and you can always say you did it without the help of some _ _ _ hole. You go girl, keep up the GOOD work. And don't ever be to proud to have to ask for some kind of help it you and your children need it. Stay strong and good luck. I'm pushin for ya.

Christy - posted on 03/25/2010

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just out of high school in '98 i hooked up with my best friend of 3 years. we got engaged and moved in together and shortly after i was pregnant. he started stayin out late and accusing me of cheating on him when i was the one who stayed in all the time and only went to work and the store and back home. i got sick of it and moved back with my parents. we were together off and on about 5 or 6 times and he only got worse each time, though he kept promising to get a job and go to counseling and start respecting me and things like that. the last time i broke it off offering to stay friends and let him see the babies (twins) whenever he wanted, i was still pregnant, but instead he went all ape sh** on me, and i ended up gettin an emergency protective order on him. my girls are turning 10 in may of this year and he has had nothing to do with them. he lives in the same town and is now married with 2 step kids that call him "daddy" and a four year old that is his. everytime he sees me and my girls he stares and when the four year old was a baby he had to be holding it and acting like he is such a great "daddy". my girls know who he is and want nothing to do with him because they know what kind of a slime ball he is, they see him with his "family" and think he is disgusting. i, too, have lots of feelings of anger and resentment and hate and more. this man was my best friend for three years! he wanted to be with me and have a family and then when we were engaged and i became pregnant, he totally changed. i do not get child support nor have i pushed to get it. i recieve food stamps only because i signed a "claim for good cause" through the welfare dept. saying it would do us more harm than good because he was abusive to me and harassed me when i was pregnant. also he told me once i would never make it on my own and be able to pay bills and care for the babies, well i have and now we have had our own house for 3 and a half years . that is even being on low income working in a convenience store for the last ten years and no child support, so i have proven him to be wrong and i am very proud of myself!!

Krystal - posted on 03/25/2010

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My daughter is going on 4 this year, and her dad had only been there for 9 or 10 months, and after I broke up with him bc of cheating and lying. He doesn't come around at all bc I don't want to be with him! It hurts that my daughter is growing up without her dad, but sometimes it maybe the best thing instead of dealing with the in and out of their life thing! He doesnt know anything about her, and phone numbers he either change or block it to where I wouldnt have it, but we dont have contact with him, but lately he has been stalking me! Always remember there is always something better, and be strong for you and your son :-)

Amani - posted on 03/24/2010

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you can simply look for someone else!
kids need the sample of the father, not the bio father, who took his pleasur in few second, then disappeared.. however, your babay needs to know him, if the father isn't mature.. it would be his problem, i know umatured husbands, their wives are like single moms!! live your life, have a mature boyfriend that you can trust to act like a good masculin example for your kid!
good luck!

Jennifer - posted on 03/23/2010

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Absolutely! You can't do much about what the other person is doing, my oldest and youngest barely know their father. A letter would be nice, in case he's feeling guilty for running like that and is afraid to take the first step in finding his way back.

Sandra - posted on 03/23/2010

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okay first if the father of both your child doesnt want anything to do with his child and walked out on his baby without wanting to see his child not even trying to be in his own childs life. Is sad for him and his lost. just know you gave him the father a lot of times to be able to see his child no matter what. your baby does not deserve a father whom is going to be there only when he feel like it NO! Hell No! hes the dad he should have been there since day one. I think if he really loves his child he would care about how the baby needs love from both parents. it just seems silly to have to be the one asking him to be apart of his childs life if its not comming out of him. Its just broken harded to even know someone so cold. you will suffer a lot now the baby wont start to realize till he experiences from cousins or at school. I been threw it and still are my son is eight and doesnt know what it feels to have a father or receive love from a dad because his dad never cared about taking action my boy hurts i can see it but what can i tell him. only for him to find him when he turns illegal to do so.

Challis - posted on 03/22/2010

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Wow, there are so many strong women on here. It's so shocking and sad to me to realize that so many dads do this to their children. Thank you all for sharing your posts and your encouraging words and your advice. I have truly taken it to heart and am so thankful for this wonderful community of beautiful and intelligient women to offer me advice when I feel at my weakest. May God bless all of you!

Chelsey - posted on 03/22/2010

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My babys dad has been gone since my son was 3 months old, he's now 4 years old...a letter might be the best....Im not sure, he was excited at first, then he started cheating and then suddenly he wasnt ready for a baby, then he ran off with his ex girlfriend he was cheating on me with, knocked her up, they have a little boy, he still doesnt give a shit about his first son, theyre married, and they just bought a house.....last time i talked to him he sent me a myspace messege asking if I could drop child support because its making his credit score to low to buy his wife ahouse......see they managed fine even though i didnt drop it. So say what you need to say, try to stay calm, and know that hes gonna retaliate with a letter of his own, more than likely blaming you. Hopefully its not like that, but be ready for the worst.

Xondra - posted on 03/22/2010

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Adele, why should you live in fear. If he beat you get that order of protection and stay clear of him. You can live without the child support. It's very hard but it can be done. When mine were growing up at one point I work 3 jobs from 5 am till 10 pm, 5 days a week. I had to be away alot from my children and it sucked. But I set it up to work five days with my employers and and still had the 2 days off, and I spent that time all I could with them. I had very understanding employers and they are out there. I won't lie to you and tell you it is easy because it's not. But you're young and you can do it. And it won't be forever. I also had family that helped me out and at times I had to go on aid for help. But it only lasted a year till I found a better paying job that I didn't have to work the 3. When you're single and and have children you have to be mother, father and provider and it is hard but can be done. Just keep telling yourself it's for you children. You don't have to say anything to him. Just let him go and show him you can do it without him. Why should you have to say anything to him, he walked out on you, which in my book is no man anyway. Some men don't tend to think and when they do it's with the wrong head. Just keep thinking " I can do it" and you can and will. Good luck hon, life is what you make it.

April - posted on 03/21/2010

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i can only say that i have benn with out my twos dad for three years it is hard but as for seening him he works right next door he sees us and don't care i see him and i walk tall i am makeing it on my own with my kids and they have all the love any kid could ask for. as for the state with the child support i have been after ;my ex for two years and still not money on this end from him.

Dianna - posted on 03/21/2010

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Oh yea. My son's father hasn't seen him since he was 5 months old. And it's been the best thing for us...he has male role models like his grandpas and uncles. Doesn't need a dad.

Ayanna - posted on 03/21/2010

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Yes. I have 2 kids and the father has never did anything for thing. He has never brought pampers are anything. He got locked up and wrote a letter saying he don't want know bullshit when he get out. He got out and didn't call the kids and got locked right back up. how stupid was that? After all these years he blame me. I like hell to the no your the one who cheated.

Dana - posted on 03/20/2010

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I have a 9 year old daughter and her dad was off and on until she was two years old then left foe good. He has seen her once since then and nothing more. He has not seen her nor has he helped with her. I think that the idea of killing with kindness will get u much farther then anything else. I also have a 3 and a half year old son and he hs not seen his father since he was 6 months old. So I am a single mom of two kids and both their fathers walked away. I have a lot on my mind I would like to tell them, but I ignore them and have not heard from them. if u go to court just go in with a smile, do what u gotta do and leave. just because he is there does not mean u have to talk to him either. I know u can make it, and I wish u good luck through this hard time.

[deleted account]

i've been through similar. my ex left when my daughter was just 3 months old. he was made to pay $45 child support a week as he was working. he would come around once a fortnight for a maximum of 5 minutes to drop off child support money but was never interested in spending time with his daughter. which annoyed me a lot and i said what he was doing was wrong his response was get ****** im going to quit my job so i dont have to give you any more money. and he did a week later. then 6 weeks later he went on government benefits and we now get $30 a month. he didn't see his daughter for about a year then he got engaged and she is pushing him into getting visiting rights but he does not seem interested in her at all its his fiance that wants it not him. its also hard as he is an abusive alcoholic that cannot say no to alcohol his always around people that do drugs alot so to be honest i dont really want him around my daughter anyway as his gone back to his old ways. so i've been asking myself if my daughters relationship with her father is really worth being around those type of people and me feeling she would be in danger if she was with him. by the way my daughter is now 2.

Barbara - posted on 03/20/2010

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Hello I'm going through almost the same thing. My sons father left me a month before the baby was born. The only thing that he does is put money into my checking account every two weeks but has had no contect with me or my son in almost two years. I wrote him a letter but haven't recieved a letter or a phone call yet. I pray for you and myself and our children that these guys one day wake up and become men and know that they have children out there so they have to grow up.. But untile that day comes we have to look at it this way it's there lose we have them everyday to love and watch them grow and they will know who did what for them.



I hope things work out for you..

Barbara

Tiffany - posted on 03/20/2010

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I went through the exact same thing! My son is going to be 3 in May and his father doesn't even know who he is. I agree with the kindness thing but you also have to protect your son. His father and I had no contact until our son was 21 months old and I received a call from him in anger about the child support. I have gotten to a place where I had to accept that his father made a CHOICE to not be a part of his sons life. Let him contact you if he chooses to have a relationship with his son or not. Having the court involved is a blessing and a cures. They will do all the work for you and if he wants to pursue a relationship with him then the courts will work with both of you. Maybe allowing the courts to ease you both into this is a safe and slow way to introduce your son to his father and allow that relationship to grow. Good Luck. This is not going to be easy by all means maybe the hardest thing in your life to get through but you can and will do it. Just have INTEGRITY and GRACE in all your actions through this! As Conan O'brian said in his last show. "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen" Show that to you son and you succeed in miles!!

Lisa - posted on 03/20/2010

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The only thing I can think of to say is if the State wants the support they will need to go after it, not You! most states do the legal stuff. if there is a question of paternity raised by the dead beat then the state will contact you for a test. but not until. you should not need to be involved. i know this is what happened for me. My Daughter is Sixteen and I can say is a pretty cool kid! concentrate on being the best mom you can be.

Edie - posted on 03/20/2010

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I have went through a similar situation. My son did not meet his dad until he was 2 years old. The only reason was b/c of medicaid. I was having a second child. I was really hard at first. I was very scared to see him. I took a friend along with me to the meetings and that helped a lot. Since those meetings we have went to court for the child support hearings. I am only making him pay for the medical. He doesn't want to be a part of my sons life. It was a really hard thing to do because of how scared I was. But I got through it. He's still not part of our lives and that is okay because like you said you are probably a better role model than he'll ever be. Good luck to you. I suggest to take someone with you that can hold your hand. Without my friend there I don't think I would have made it.

Sherry - posted on 03/20/2010

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I got pregnant while still in the army. My daughter is now going to be 18 in August. I have never had contact with her "donor", nor do I want to. He wanted me to have an abortion, and I refused, never to hear from him again. It was tough at times, but it has also made she and I better people. She knows what it is like to wonder how she is going to get a dress a prom or eat lunch at school, but we have made it and she is an honor roll student, graduating in June and getting ready for college this fall. Sometimes trying to find the father and getting them to pay is too much. I never dwelled on it much, as I didnt want nor need the stress. She and I have a terrific relationship, as she does with her aunt, uncle and grandparents. Some things in life are not worth pursuing, and this was one of them. She knows the situation and could care less, she knows who raised her and sacrificed for her. What ever you do, love your child, its not their fault and money shouldnt be a factor. Lots of hugs, kisses and I love you's are what they need. Good Luck to all of you.

[deleted account]

I have 4 children and their father left when the baby was a few weeks old. Its hard a first and all encounters we have had over child support in court have not been pretty. My kids are all in college now. Focus on your child and what you need to do to take care of your family. You shouldn't waste time or energy on things you cannot change. It will get better.

[deleted account]

My kids dont have a relationship with there dad either, but they turn out to be some good kids, however; me and his mother are good friends, and i send her picture of the kids, anyway move on, and keep praying cause one day he's going to bumb his head and wake up and see that he needs to grow up, leave him alone, when he gets ready he will call you to see his kids, keep your head up and remember to follow your dreams

Hazel - posted on 03/19/2010

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good thing you have that kind of support from your state, as for my case, i have to deal everything BY MYSELF, you are more blessed!

Jemma - posted on 03/19/2010

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i have exactly the same feelings, i have not seen my Ava's father at all since the day we split. well i've driven past him which made me feel sick.
im guessing he has not paid any child support so where you live are taking it in to the own hands? in england the CSA do it for me, although i do get the most pathetic amount!!! just so that i dont have to see his ugly mug.
i would lift your head up high as you walk past him. give him eye contact because i bet he puts his cowardly head down(well lets hope)
show him how strong and a great mother you are.
remember you are a different person from when you was with him, you are super mum now!!xxxxx

Anna - posted on 03/19/2010

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I have been in the same boat. My daughter's father left me when I was only 2 month. I went the whole pregancy by myself. I know exactly what you are going through. When my daughter was 2 months old I went looking for him. I asked his friends and family where he was. I needed him to help with his child. But like a coward he ran and did not take on his resposibilities. When I finally found him I filed child support and was granted the the funds, after 1 year of paying he decided that was enough. He took off again and has not been see or heard of for the past 12. My daughter is now 13. I have had the same experince with my son's father, but was not able to locate him at all. Keep your head high, keep strong, and every thing will be ok. There are many single moms who have did a grate job raising their child(ren) all alone. At the end the father is the one who looses out on every thing. You see, it seems like right now that your are not winning, but just think of all the precious memories you will have with that precious child that you carried for the 9 months and have taken care of, thier first words,first time they start to crawl,walk, and the first day of school. That is a memory that noone can ever take from you. While on the other hand the father misses out on every thing. As I my daughter's father one time "When you want to be in your daughter's life and she wants nothing to do with you, just remember, you are making the decision for her not me". Meaning because he has not been around by his own choice it will be his fault, not mine.

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