to get child support or not to get child support

Julie - posted on 04/27/2009 ( 38 moms have responded )

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My daughter is now 18 months old and the love of my life. Her dad has seen her a total of 2 hours and his parents don't even know they are grandparents. i have gone back and forth about child support and if it is really worth the battle and headache. I finally filed for support over a year ago and we just got our first court date. I am worried now that we have a court date that he is going to get upset and want visitation. I don't know if its better to not pursue the support and know that he won't be around or to pursue the support b/c he needsto help with her and worry that he will try and get back at me in taking her.



My mom passed over the summer so I don't really have anyone to bounce ideas off of?

Any help or suggestions would be great

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Leah - posted on 05/29/2009

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I have a court order for child support. It doesn't mean anything. I still get no financial support from him. Unfortunately in my state, child support is not linked to visitation, even if he's thousands of dollars behind (which he is) I have to allow him to see the kids or I can be held for contempt. The bright side is, he rarely sees then (too busy playing daddy to his gf's kids). Unfortunately everytime he does see them, it's a battle. He wants them on HIS schedule, ignores the "parenting plan" we had to draw up during the divorce, and gets angry and nasty if I refuse to bend over backward to accommodate him. I have no idea how to get help. The courts don't monitor or enforce visitation in my state only child support. When I sought help for the lack of payment he produced a letter from his employer that grossly understated his income and the court didn't pursue it. It's frustrating and wrong.

Shulena - posted on 05/15/2009

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AMEN! I feel the exact same way. I did not make my child by myself so why should I support him him by myself. In one post a woman said that she has a good job so that is why she did not take c/s out. I have a good job as well, but that has nothing to do with what is titled for my son. If you don't even use the money, open an saving acct. or a college acct under the child's name, so when there older they will have there money. That money could be a first car, college or whatever else your child might want to use it for.

Aimee - posted on 05/01/2009

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I waited until my son was 2 years old before I took the huge step of filing for child support. I was afraid of how my ex was going to take it or what he would do even though he is harmless. It is the best thing I did. Never rely on the father to stick to a verbal agreement. Thats what I did to make it easier on him and he refused to cooperate. Dont worry about the visitation stuff. That can be dealt with later on. Its the best thing I could have done...and it wasnt for me...I did it for my son! On the other side of the spectrum, sometimes I think its better for the child if the father is not in the picture, rather than having a man being in and out of the child's life. I think that does more damage than good. Good luck!

38 Comments

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Sue - posted on 06/06/2009

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Go for child support! Don't let him get away with it. Doesn't sound like he wants much to do with your daughter anyway. Just remember that child support is for your daughter's 'up keep' and she deserves it.

Jessica - posted on 06/03/2009

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Quoting Leah:

I have a court order for child support. It doesn't mean anything. I still get no financial support from him. Unfortunately in my state, child support is not linked to visitation, even if he's thousands of dollars behind (which he is) I have to allow him to see the kids or I can be held for contempt. The bright side is, he rarely sees then (too busy playing daddy to his gf's kids). Unfortunately everytime he does see them, it's a battle. He wants them on HIS schedule, ignores the "parenting plan" we had to draw up during the divorce, and gets angry and nasty if I refuse to bend over backward to accommodate him. I have no idea how to get help. The courts don't monitor or enforce visitation in my state only child support. When I sought help for the lack of payment he produced a letter from his employer that grossly understated his income and the court didn't pursue it. It's frustrating and wrong.



KEEP ON THEM!!!!!  If you don't let it go  they will get tired of hearing it!!!! Seriously!!! Everytime he's supposed to pay you, go in and tell them he hasn't paid AGAIN...they'll eventually get sick of having to file the paperwork everytime you go in.  If that doesn't work, call your chief of police - they'll usually have LISTS of people you can call

Jessica - posted on 06/03/2009

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You need to keep in mind that he made that baby too and it's ALWAYS work gettin the support - especially if they don't wanna be a dad!!! I get a whole 32.44 a week from my son's dad!!!! Don't let him off the hook!!!! more than likely if he does want visitation it'll be state standards (usually every other weekend and one day during the week)

Tonya - posted on 05/29/2009

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Get the child support. At the same time file for full custody. That way you don't have to worry about him taking your son. Even though you are the childs sole provider he is still his father. He can say he wants to see your son one day and not bring him home and without that paper saying you have FULL custody it is nothing you can do. So make sure you do both. A lot of moms don't know this.

Emma - posted on 05/29/2009

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take him for child support he needs to now that he needs to help u and pay up i have a 21 month baby girl and her father has never paid child support i wait for his tax check every years hes fucked and you should tell his parents that they are grandparents they have a rite to now

Jody - posted on 05/27/2009

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Child Support and Visitation are two separate things. He has an obligation to support your baby. Visitation is a completely different matter and there is no way he can take your baby away unless he can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you are unfit. I have gone through this arguement with both my baby's daddys. And in the end, one of them actually came around and said 'thank you' for taking me to court because the money come directly out of my check and helping to support the baby. The other actually threatened me with custody and so forth. Yeah he called Child Protective Services on me and so forth but he got no where with that. Because he coudn't prove that I was unfit. It was a long and hard road but it truly is what you should do. Raising a child alone is not an easy task.

Lea - posted on 05/27/2009

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i am supposed to get support through the court's probation department. they say if he doesn't pay after a few months he'll have a bench warrant. butttt i haven't received anything since january and they give him second chances instead of looking for my sone hasn't paid in so long and no one in the courts seems to care how i manage to support my son. the jails are too overcrowded and he'll probably just weasel his way out of it.

if he doesn't give my 67 bucks by the second week of june he'll have a warrant.
i kind of wish i hadn't asked for child support- because it's just a tease about him going to jail. now that i think of it, i don't care what he does in his spare time or where it is, as long as he is not around to hurt me or my baby. but once you ask for child support there is NO GOING BACK. the government will make him pay until your child is 18. ...which means logan and i will always be in the back of his head. and he will always resent us for taking his precious dollar bills that could have been "better spent" on hookers and drinks than diapers, clothes and food.

Amanda - posted on 05/27/2009

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I am worried about the same thing. My son will be born in 3 in 1/2 moths, I'm going to tell you like my mom told me and a lawyer.First it is very hard to take a child from its mother.Especially if she has had no prior unstable behavior even then its still hard. A women left her two childrn under the age of 4 locked inside the home all day my mom as a visiting nurse for the state had to report it ...the women still has her children.when you have your court date make sure you are prepared have references from friends and family telling the judge what a good mother you are and how well the kids are doing etc...Keep a record of your exs comings and goings in a notepad day by day with information like when he calls, when he visits, how long he visits for, his presence at school functions, dr visits any threats or bad or concerned behavior he is exhibiting etc...all of these things will matter when decideding the best interest of the child.My ex has threaten me with bodily harm while pregant and threaten to burglarize and vandalize my home and car and was stupid enough to write it on paper and send it to me, which I kept for court when the time comes. He tried to hide the fact that I am pregnant from his family , so I told them and they are very supportive and excited ... but I am not counting on them because in the end blood is thicker than water .His girlfriend and mother of his other children is a drug addict she has already endangered the kids lives because of him and she lives with him , he sells drugs out of his home with the children present and to many other instances to count I have it all written down in notebook along with that letter. Hes threaten that he has rights all this other crap but when the day comes .......He will not be called when the baby is born, he will not even be allowed in the hospital I have that right, his name will not be on the birth certicate and my son will not have his last name.I wish I could tell you not to put his name on the Birth certificate but its to late Once u do than u admit that he is the father of the child which gives him automatic rights whether hes the father or not. If he wasnt he would have to fight for rights along with paying for a very expensive blood test. and then shelling out more money a month for support just to get visitation. I'm telling you now If this is a sorry excuse for a man he will not want what he has to fight for unless it will come easy to him, it is just a scare tactic to get you all upset and raddled. If u can withdraw the request do it immediately, its not worth it.Good luck to you sweetie !

Tyna - posted on 05/27/2009

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My daughter is 8 years old and her father seen her for a total of 10 mins. He kissed her on the head and told her he loved her. When she was 2 years old I went after support he told me that if I do that him and his new wife were going to go after custody and filled my head with a bunch of crap. I had to get a restraining order on him before I went to court b-cuz when he got the court papers he harressed me by tail gating me with my daughter in the car, at night he would put stuff all over my car, and even came by families house and yelled stuff when we all were outside.



But when we went to the court house because he has to pay he got visitaion rights, though he didn't take them he had the right because he is paying. I hope everything works out for you!

Shannon - posted on 05/27/2009

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i believe that u should get child support
and that no judge will ever take a child from their mother unless she is a unfit one
u sound like u do everything for ur child and the dad should have to help u

my belief is that i may not like the father of my son but it benefits my son to see him and that by not allowing it would make me happy but it would hurt and crush my son

good luck and hope it works out for u

Holly - posted on 05/26/2009

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see my court here in michigan ,you can file on line but when court comes you have to go in ,when my child support was ordered ,he agreed well he is behind in over $800.00 rite now witch is not much ,so is what the court did is they mandated him to show up adn to show why he has not paid ,well he never showed up ,so now he has a warnt for child support ,normally when you have a suppot order ,if behind so much when they file there taxes ,the state will take it ...If any of you are scared that he will hurt you or teh child if you have a police report or can get one i would bring that ,if teh court judes decides that he is harmfull he can make him go to get help or make the state step in and suppervise him with the child some charge i would not pay he can .....call the court in your area ,and contact an lawyer i did and they are not cheep by any means but some will work it out ..

Holly - posted on 05/26/2009

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HI deer im so sorry to hear that !I kinda know what you are going threw ,my son who is 9 years old has finally come back to live with me cause his dad id in major trouble ,i think that he helped make the baby so he should have to help pay ,to be supportive .I live here in MICHIGAN and the court will make him pay .i get verry little $85.00 a month and he cant pay that ,he has multiple warnts out ..may be you should tell his parents and may be they will talk to him or may be they will help him pay ..also why are you worrie dabout him takeing her ?(i know why but )has he ever had custody before ?just explain to teh court that you have had her ,he never has taken her to the dr ,hosiptal ,you cook for her .you guys can come up with a plan to have every other week or end and times to drop and pick up ,but no matter what you keep your end of the deal be on time dont cancel unless she is verry sick and also keep a diary of when you call him to ask for something or what ever the case might be ...I would all so contact an lawyer to see what they say ....good luck

Amanda - posted on 05/26/2009

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I went through the same thing and we all need some sort of financial help especially in todays economy. If the father does tell the judge that he wants to see your child it will wear off. trust me. My sons father hasn't called, written or anything... july 11th will be a year that he has seen his son.

Michelle - posted on 05/23/2009

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Take the support- more than likely if he hasn't seen her for more than 2 hours in the first 18 months he won't want to. And even if he does, that is your first leg to stand on. I also struggled with this because my daughter's father is a drunk. I have seen him put his older child in the vehicle with him while he was drunk and it scared me for both the children's sake. I filed for support the first of the year and just recently started getting checks-but have seen nor heard nothing from him. His mother on the other hand mentioned the whole custody issue, but I just left if roll off my back. Your child deserves the support- she did not ask to be brought into this world and she doesn't deserve to be treated this way.



Even if you take the money and build her a savings account for college, etc... I would make sure he pays.

Chloe - posted on 05/22/2009

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Quoting Shulena:

AMEN! I feel the exact same way. I did not make my child by myself so why should I support him him by myself. In one post a woman said that she has a good job so that is why she did not take c/s out. I have a good job as well, but that has nothing to do with what is titled for my son. If you don't even use the money, open an saving acct. or a college acct under the child's name, so when there older they will have there money. That money could be a first car, college or whatever else your child might want to use it for.



That is the smartest post i have read so far.



Your child father needs to be helping you out, i know things are different in america but here in australia once you become a single pasrent you have max 3 months to file for child support.



 



Im sorry for the loss of your mother. Do you have any mothers in your town you could talk to?



I beleieve that a child needs both parents even if one is a horrid so and so .



 



 



Go wth your gut if some thing doesnt feel right about it then drop it

Kristen - posted on 05/22/2009

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I am going through this same exact thing right now and I have a question myself. My lawyer convinced me to file for support because he sends me a box of diapers every 3 months and that is it and she is a year old so... count it up. lol I was hesitant on doing it because I don't know whether that comes across as me wanting him involved or if the courts will see that as he has just as much right to see her as I do. I am very frightened of my soon-to-be ex husband and he is the type that threatens and has weapons and is a very scary human being. But I'm not sure that is going to be enough to keep him away from her. But of course I need the help. I'm just really confused at how judges look at a request for support. If it is going to end up making me have to leave her with him as unstable as he is mentally, I will go and tell my lawyer, screw it. I would rather be poor than be without my baby.

Shulena - posted on 05/15/2009

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It is the same way in NC. The fathers would have to hire an atty for visitation because child support enforcement does not handle visitation issues

Shulena - posted on 05/15/2009

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I am a single parent that choose to ask for child support. My son just turned 6yrs old and his father has probably seen him no more than 3times in those years. I went back and forward with this same question because I did not want the hassle, but believe it or not it has not been. My son's sperm donor has never asked me for visitation and does not care to see my son. So other than a check that is deposit into my banking acct. once a wk, that is the only interaction we have with him. I would however suggest that you request that the child support monies be taken directly from his check, so you do not have to contact him about the money or were it is.

Tina - posted on 05/15/2009

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My daugher will be 6 in Sept. Her father has seen her just 3 times. My daughter don't even want to call him. I have been fighting child support for 5 years. It is a very large headache.I get it every now and then or when ever he gets a job. Sometimes it worth the headache you just have to go through with it. If your worried about him getting or taking your child then you need to get full custody. Yes he will fight for visitation rights but you can ask for supervised visitation. So what if he gets upset. It takes 2 to tangle. This is a difficult desion that your gonna have to make. Get your money

Kori - posted on 05/15/2009

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I feel like if people don't go after the "men" (and i use that term lightly) for child support then you are basicly telling him that it"s ok to do what he's done! Even if you don't need the money put it in a savings account for your child/children. He needs to learn that he can't just help make a baby and not pay the consiquences. Otherwise he's just going to do the same thing to some other girl. My oldest sons dad and i are still good friends but he is paying child support. It has nothing to do with me liking or disliking him. It's all about the child! :)

Robertine - posted on 05/09/2009

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I agree with Angela. It's not fair to you to foot this all by yourself. If he hasn't seen her but for two hours and hasn't told his parents about your child, I don't think you have to worry about him trying to take your baby. He knows he's got a child to take care of and it's a shame you have to go down this road with him. Go to court and get what's rightfully owed to your child.

Angela - posted on 05/09/2009

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Sweetheart!!!! Don't let it go get him!!!!! If he hasn't seen his child all this time other than 2 hours of the child's life, then don't worry about the visitations. Even if the judge do grant visitation rights you can have the visits supervised.

Savannah - posted on 05/06/2009

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Quoting April:

I am in the same situation. I have a two kids (one and two) with the same father and he hasn't worked in almost three years and refuses to get a job. I have talked to him, yelled, screamed, cussed and nothing will get him motivated to get a job. I recently found out he's been living with a married woman which lives at home with her parents, and they've been supporting him, he's a 30 year old man with no job, no car, no nothing and doesn't care enough to get his lazy behind up to work to help support himself, let alone his children. I NEED the child support but I don't want him seeing our kids because he pops in whenever he wants, which is maybe once a year. When he left that one time, my oldest (which is two) chased their car down the driveway screaming for his "daddy." I broke down crying because I just want him in their life, but he doesn't want to work and help with them because he's choosing his drugs over us. I know he loves us, it's just not enough for him to be a man, stop using drugs and get a job. I don't want to share custody because he's living with a married woman, which is NOT a stable environment and he's a drug addict, and I don't want my kids around that. So I'm in the same boat, should I get support or not? That is the question! Does anybody know if they don't pay the child support if they'll go to jail or not? I was wondering about this. I've heard two different things on this. I know him and he won't get a job, even with a court order!


He wouldn't even get visitation if you request he submit to regular drug testing and state his unstable living conditions.



As for asking for child support, if you have a court order and he isn't paying it, they will start taking away things like his drivers licence, any tax refunds, until they eventually fine him a penalty each month. He will end up so deep in arrears and you will see that money, and the law worries about enforcing his responsibility to pay. Look into Maintenance Enforcement Programs in your area. Usually he would pay them, then they pay you. If he doesn't pay them, it's documented but they still cut you a cheque!

Emily - posted on 05/05/2009

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Well I do not get child support nor do I want it. but I also have it different I did not name my sons father either. Once you start the child support the courts will through with it. He most likely will get visitation. I know that is not the best help you asked for but its the what will happen. As for him taking her away from you that wont happen. I know mothers that are the worst people around and should have never had a kid and they still have their kids. I know this is not what you want to hear but now you might as well go get the money. If he only seen her for a few hours chances are he doesnt want to see her anyway.

[deleted account]

I waited 6 years to get child support from my oldest son's father. Actually, the only reason I filed then because it was not fair to my ex-husband when I filed for child support from him on our son together. I'm not sure what stay those of you needing advice are in, but here in Georgia (USA), child support and visitation are two separate things. He would have to come up with the money for a lawyer and take you to court for visitation. That would be something to check into. My son's father has NEVER seen him. He left when I was 3 months pregnant and I haven't looked back since. I ignored what everyone said about getting child support, but in hindsight wished I had. He gets his other two kids for visitation. I think his ex-wife forces them on him, something I'm not going to do. If he decides to take me to court for visitation (which I don't see happening), he will have a hard time getting it. I seen the word sperm donor, which is what we use in my family too, but even those deserve to pay for their actions. It's just a shame they are missing out on the best part!

Kylie - posted on 05/03/2009

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hi my kids r 4 n 2 there dad seen them 4a few hrs a wk until my daughter was 1 he never paid a penny 4them but i wasnt bothered coz they always came bk wiv something altho it was usually sumit frm there nanna not him he hasent seen them since and still wont pay a penny ive been thro the CSA but he denys them everytime and refuses to take the DNA tests so i gt no were its pafetic and to b honest ive never needed anything frm him b4 n dont now my son has stopped askin about him my daughter doesnt really remember him and i avoid going past his mothers house personally if i was in ur shoes i wud just leave it as long as ur kids r happy it doesnt matter

Rachel - posted on 05/02/2009

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If you are worried at all that he would want visitation rights, then don't pursue filing for child support. They might be the father of your child, but they don't get to be called daddy for doing nothing. I didn't even put the father of my child's father on the birth certificate because I didn't want to have to deal with him, and I wanted to be the one who was in charge. It is very hard for a father to get full custody unless you're unfit, so I wouldn't worry to much. In my opinion, sperm donors don't get parental rights.

Deanna - posted on 05/01/2009

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My daughters "dad" has not been in the picture at all. I chose not to take him for support because I don't need his help, if he's not going to help willingly. I'm doing a fine job on my own, and to me, it just wasn't worth it. I have a well paying job, which makes the difference. If I needed the support, I may have gone a different route, but Jennica and I are doing fine without him.

April - posted on 05/01/2009

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I am in the same situation. I have a two kids (one and two) with the same father and he hasn't worked in almost three years and refuses to get a job. I have talked to him, yelled, screamed, cussed and nothing will get him motivated to get a job. I recently found out he's been living with a married woman which lives at home with her parents, and they've been supporting him, he's a 30 year old man with no job, no car, no nothing and doesn't care enough to get his lazy behind up to work to help support himself, let alone his children. I NEED the child support but I don't want him seeing our kids because he pops in whenever he wants, which is maybe once a year. When he left that one time, my oldest (which is two) chased their car down the driveway screaming for his "daddy." I broke down crying because I just want him in their life, but he doesn't want to work and help with them because he's choosing his drugs over us. I know he loves us, it's just not enough for him to be a man, stop using drugs and get a job. I don't want to share custody because he's living with a married woman, which is NOT a stable environment and he's a drug addict, and I don't want my kids around that. So I'm in the same boat, should I get support or not? That is the question! Does anybody know if they don't pay the child support if they'll go to jail or not? I was wondering about this. I've heard two different things on this. I know him and he won't get a job, even with a court order!

Lisa - posted on 04/30/2009

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i think u should get child support. and also let him see his child if he wants to. i dont think u should ever deny someone to see there child. even if they are a jerk or a loser. trust me if he dosent even go to see her hes not going to try to take her. men dont want the responsibilty of taking care of a child. they just say there going to take them to get you upset and worried. it's his responsibilty to pay wether he likes it or not. of course he will be mad but too bad. thats not your problem. its the law. dont let him off so easy. but if u really dont need the money then dont waste your time.

Jennifer - posted on 04/29/2009

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WELL THE FIRST QUESTION IS... WHO IS MORE STABLE? IF YOUR ENVIORNMENT IS STABLE ONE THAN YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. ALSO LET THE COURTS KNOW YOUR FEARS AND ASK FOR SUPERVISED VISITATION ONLY ONCE HE HAS KEPT UP WITH HIS END OF THE BARGAIN AND PAID HIS FAIR SHARE!!! IF HE IS IN A BETTER LIVING SITUATION THAN YOU BUT YOU KNOW YOU LOVE YOUR CHILD WHOLE- HEARTED THAN AND ONLY THAN DO I SAY DON'T GO THROUGH WITH IT! YOU WILL MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN!!! WE ARE ALL DOING IT AND TRUST ME IT'S HARD BUT,IT'S NOT SO BAD!!

Rene'e - posted on 04/29/2009

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Getting support is great. Im not trying to be funny but you didnt make the child alone, you can choose to raise the child alone but get some help for the child well beeing.. The child needs lights, gas, water, food,shelter, cloths.. Any amount is better than nothing at all. Dont worrie he wont be able to get the child. Hes not there on a steadily basis and hopefully you are not an unfit mom.. Just smile and keep smiling.

User - posted on 04/28/2009

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Well, my daughter will be 6 in June. The first year of her life he saw her for a total of 4 hours and then we battled with the child support issue along w/ the threats of him trying for full custody. I finally talked him into relinquishing his rights only because I knew he wouldn't ever pay and the fact that he felt it was ok to "pop in" whenever he wanted, and I was not going to have that. I do not receive any support, but then again I also do not have to worry about him at all. Sometimes it is better to just be a single mom. Not saying it is easy at all, but the stress of him NOT in our lives for the next 18 yrs is a major bonus. My daughter would be a completely different person if he were in her life. I thank God that he eventually gave up. But it is an everyday struggle to provide the support you know your child deserves. That's when you know that you will definetly go without so that your child can have everything they want! Best job ever and wouldn't change a thing! Hang in there...whatever choice you make, will be the best one for you and your daughter!

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