When do you stop trying.

Susan - posted on 08/13/2009 ( 29 moms have responded )

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My daughters father has not seen her since she was 3 weeks old. I have tried everything i can to get him to be there for her. Offered to meet him at a restraunt, a park, to pick him up because his car was broke down, EVERYTHING. When do you just stop trying or should i stop trying. I just feel that she deserves to know her father and his family so i took it upon myself to contact his sisters and mother so she will be able to know them. Her aunt is very much in her life now.

I just dont know when it is ok to just stop making the effort. Any advise?

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Kimberly - posted on 09/17/2009

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dont u can get child support and give him some vistion by the courts which he will have to show up to see his daugter.

Raven - posted on 08/18/2009

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I'd stop if he isnt making the effort why should you keep trying so hard. Some men are never cut out to be fathers. Instead of her hoping to see a dead beat jerk who doesnt care you need to just be there for her and be all she needs. My sons birthday father has never even seen his son and he's 4 years old now. You cant make a man be with his child when he is a child (if you know what I mean) Remember you dont need a man to show your daughter a world of love. Also know that sometimes the best daddies are not the birth fathers.

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[deleted account]

You've done what you can. IF he wants to see her, it's up to him to start making the effort. My daughters rarely see their father either...months go by before he'll make the effort to see them. You can't force them into being part of the child's life..it'll never work.

Francesca - posted on 09/16/2009

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Stop now. You can't force someone to do something they aren't interested in doing. My son's father has seen him maybe 4 times since he was born 5 1/2 months ago and as hard as it is, you are causing yourself more stress trying to make him see his daughter. It amazes me that there are men who have children and just don;t care, but unfortunantly thats how it is. I want my sons father in his life so bad too, but I want him there because he wants to be, not because I wont leave him alone about it. I figure they are missing out on all the joys of being a parent, and its their loss. He doesn't deserve another chance.

Nicky - posted on 09/14/2009

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now is the time to stop trying. if he cant be botherd youve done your bit. keep your engergy for you . he might even be liking giving you the runaround. with his family make it clear you have no problem with them but that they need to ask you as you dnt want to end up feeling like your being a pest.. my sons uncle sometimes phones and makes empty promises ,his nan stops and moans when we see her in town that she never sees tha grandchildren.. not just my son. i just say well ring me then. she still doesnt.

Tara - posted on 09/13/2009

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You've made the effort, the ball is in his court. You can't make him and if he's unwilling it is better he stay away. Dad coming and going from the babies life is worse than him not being there at all. My parents had addictions I was raised by my grandparents, along with 3 sisters. They would visit, then disappear for days, months, years. This left me thinking it was me, questioning if they loved or cared and in the end was worse for everyone.

Brenda - posted on 09/12/2009

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My kids haven't seen or heard from their father in nearly 4 years. He left over 7 years ago and has only seen them for 14 hours total since he left (I tracked it). He's only paid child support for 3 months even though he has a court order to pay not only child support but also spousal support. My kids were so very hurt but they're learning that the reality of the situation doesn't HAVE to always be a sad one. They're learning that the people in their lives love them dearly and that no matter what they are wonderful kids and we are a family that is complete in our own way. Since you've made more than your share of attempts, I'd say the ball is in his court. Your duty is not to the baby's father..it's to you and your child. You turn your attention towards your little one and towards being happy in that you are a successful mother--your child has someone who is in love with them...you. You are fabulous and your baby's very lucky to have you!

[deleted account]

I would stop trying now. You can't make him see her if he doesn't want to. You have done everything in your power. Now it is on him. Always let your daughter know that you love her. When she is old enough she can make the choice to try again or not, but she will know that you didn't keep her away from him. Good Luck

[deleted account]

not only you me as well...my son is 2 and I can count probably on my hands and toes how many times he has seen our child ...if it wasnt for me he wouldnt know his dad..I show him pictures of him everyday so when he does pop up he knows who he is..he is in his life until we have a disagreement and then he is back out again..but he's always been in his first daughters life and he is currently in his new borns life (all by different mothers may I add) and I think it's a shame our son get treated this way..his current bm told me he said I forged his signature on the bc he denied saying it but just to nip it in the bud I took him for paternity and cs..I swore to myself i'd never take him for c bc he'd hate me forever but..at this point..I feel I have nothing to loose..HELP!

Denise - posted on 09/09/2009

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I am kind of having the same trouble with my son. His father is in love with his career goals and it's obvious that that's the most important thing to him, because he has moved to a different time zone. not once but twice. His family doesn't really have anything to do with my son, well except for two uncles and his grandmother and that's only when I take him by. My son's father has seen him 3 times this year and that's pathetic and I have tried everything as well. My son is 3 and loves his father very much, but this is only because I have made him know his father and it's stressful and I don't know what else to do, so someone needs to tell the bothe of us, when do you stop trying??????????

Kelly - posted on 08/18/2009

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My Daughters father is not in her life at all, he had made promises and never kept them, his family keeps in touch through emails and letters and they have no contact with her father, i have learned that its a lot easier on my daughter and myself if i just cut her father out completely it is not the childs loss it is the fathers.

Sara - posted on 08/18/2009

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I often wonder if I did the right thing. My ex wouldn't come see our son unless I called or took him over there. Eventually I got sick of being the one to always have to do the work and told him he was welcome to see his son, but he needed to grow up and take the responsiblity of calling. 3 months after telling him that he called wanting to take our son for a holiday. I had already made plans and told him I wasn't going to continue to keep putting my life on hold, but he was more than welcome to take his son for visitation the following weekend. I didn't hear from him again and 3 years later he decided he wanted custody. In those 3 years he hadn't called to ask how his son was or even sent a birthday or christmas card. Then when we went to court he walked in and not only gave up the custody battle but also gave up his right to visitation. So it's now in the court order that he has no rights to even visitation in the future. However, his family lives out of state and they do keep in touch through email, cards, and phone calls. When they are in town I have no problems letting them visit with my son. You can't force him to become a dad. He has to want to do it. And you have to do what's best for the child.

Theresa - posted on 08/18/2009

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My daughter is 5 months old and her father has never meet her. I tried for a couple of months to get him to come around and then it got to the point that i dont want my daughter to know she isnt wanted by her biological father. He has never shown intrest in her and i dont want her to go through the pain later in life with childhood memores of mommy fighting with daddy cause daddy wont pick her up for his visitation or he doesnt show up toher birthday party or doesnt want her around during holidays. In my eyes my daughter is better off without her biological father and ill find a awsome father figure that will show her more love and attention then her father couldnt ever give her.... It really is a personal choice cause every situation is different but thing about what is best for your child cause your actions now ill either save or create emotions for her later....

Amber - posted on 08/18/2009

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U have done all you can, let him go and its his loss,dont trying and waste ur energy, u and ur child deserve the best.x

Susan - posted on 08/17/2009

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I have started the support process but unfort. FOC can not find him to serve the papers. Even if they do he wont pay, he only does work that he is paid cash. So i will not see a dime im sure.

Damaris - posted on 08/17/2009

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I'm going through this now with my sons father and my son is still in the hospital. His father doesn't come to see him and at first it really bothered me and i wanted it to be different and i still do but you can't force them. Even though you didn't have your child on your own unfortuantly after the child is here sometimes tunes change and they leave. Maybe one day he will come back around and be in your child's life but that has to be his choice not yours. Your child is better off having people that care bout them and want to be around then having people that are forced to be there.

Beth - posted on 08/16/2009

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I agree with everyone on this page!! Trying to force him to have a relationship with your daughter is a waste of energy on your part..if he doesn't want it, let it go. Some guys are fathers, papas, daddies, or dads. Others are just sperm donors. It is what it is. Make the best life imaginable for you and your daughter. It's what you CAN control.

Karen - posted on 08/16/2009

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As long as your daughter is a part of your husband's relatives lives I would quit trying to force your husband to see her. As she gets older she will notice he is not a part of her life and at that time his family and you can decide what or how to tell her. You can't change another person - if you could you probably wouldn't be devoirsed right now. But do go ofter him for child support.

Tawni - posted on 08/15/2009

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i did the same exact thing!!!! Always picking him up and making all the effort. It just became enough at one point and i said forget it! A child does deserve to know their father but if he doesnt want to be there then your child will pick up on that at some point and in my opinion its better for them to not have the dad there then to have one who doesnt want to be there. I hope things work out for you

Ashley - posted on 08/15/2009

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i think you should well thats what i did its wrong and your right she deserves to know her father but if he either going to be there or not and no matter what you do it doesn't matter... so just give her all the love you can stop beating yourself up... its hard and i found myself asking the same question plenty of times

good luck

Laura - posted on 08/14/2009

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You really should stop trying, you are taxing yourself and your emotions run high when there is no satisfactory results in the end. LOL I don't feel my son deserves to know his deadbeat father. He is not around, nor will he ever be. My son deserves someone that will be there for him in a positive light and atmosphere than have somone like my ex that is very selfish towards himself. Be glad that the aunt is in her life now, because my son's aunts are not in his life, and it is their choice not my son's nor my choice. Now would be the good time to stop making the effort if you had tried over several times to make the effort and he is useless... You have precious and a beautiful child. Which YOU and her deserve the best.

Maureen - posted on 08/14/2009

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Don't beat yourself up about this guy not wanting to be in your daughter's life. You've made the connection with the rest of the family and that's great. It's him that's the loser in this. But, I am hoping you've already gotten your custody and support order in place. Just because he doesn't want to have visitation does not in any way negate his responsibility to provide financially for his child. And, if he doesn't keep up the payments, then take him back to court. Good luck...

Beth - posted on 08/14/2009

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As much as you would like, you cannot change him. If you feel a need to involve him and take responsiblity, do so in a healthy manner. On the child's birthday and ONE other special occasion half way through the year, take A photo and send it to him with a BRIEF note about how his child is doing. Your concious is clear, his will be weighted, and when she is 18, you will be able to say to her, I did X so he knew how you were and where. Now spend all that extra energy on that amazing daughter you have and don't give him another thought. :)

Candice - posted on 08/14/2009

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you have gone above and beyond. you can't make a man be a father. always leave the door open, but he needs to make the effort, not you.

Angela - posted on 08/13/2009

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If I were you I would have already stopped trying. Unfortunately you cant force anyone to be a parent. From here on out, I would just send him notice of any changes in address or phone number. If he wants to be involved, he will contact you.

Lisa - posted on 08/13/2009

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Wow! You and I have parallel lives. I have two sons and their father hasn't told any of his family about my boys either. The oldest just turned two, and we have a four month old. He didn't even show up at the hospital for the birth of our second. Our first, was born prematurely. I had him at 26 weeks, he was 1 lb, 10 oz when he was born. It was the most difficult time of my life, and he was rarely there. He said it was just too hard, and I believed him. I've spent the last two years trying to get him involved. He has other children and he's very much apart of their lives. For too long I thought it must be because of me that he stayed away. All I can say is it does get easier. Hang in there, you will have the bad days, (or for me it was the nights) but I look at my boys now, and I'm thankful I don't have to share any of these precious moments with anyone else. They would rather be with me than anyone else in the world and I'm going to saver every minute of that, because one day they won't need me anymore.



It is ok to stop making the effort. Do not let him consume you and take the best part of you away from your daughter... your heart. Each time you let him break it, she feels it too. Eventually you will stop feeling guilty for not sending the pictures, text messaging him with every new tooth, etc. He is doing what he wants to do, and he is where he wants to be, sucks, but it's true.



Best wishes to you both!

Malissa - posted on 08/13/2009

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I agree, I actually have been throught that, and I believe that as long as you have made that option available then you have done your part. You actually took it a step further than I would have by contacting his family and those who want to be involved will be. When your child grows up she will know the truth. Just focus on being the best mother you can be.



God Bless You!

Sara - posted on 08/13/2009

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If he isnt MAN enough to step up, none of your asking will help. He has to want to be in that childs life, if you force him he may get resentful towards both you and the baby. Just let it go, he doesnt deserve you or your child

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