The Circle of Moms site will be discontinued on March 1st, 2020. Head to POPSUGAR Family's Facebook page for more community discussions.

Let's Go >>

MARRIED TO AN IGBO MAN???

Kayla - posted on 08/08/2009 ( 42 moms have responded )

27

52

3

Hello, i have been married to an igbo man for the past 5 years! we still to this day have some challenges in our marriage! what is it like in your relationship? does he expect you to serve him everything and u have to treat him like a king or he is to controlling (well he is a cheif back home so i kinds think that thats how expect to be treated)??????? i'd like to hear from u xoxoxo

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Lullaby75 - posted on 04/10/2014

1

0

0

Hi Ladies,

Wow! I am amazed that so many women shares the same frustration and pain with me. I have been in a relationship with an Igbo guy for over 8 years and recently he went back to Nigeria. The first thing he said when he came back from Nigeria is that he needs to marry 2 wives for his life to be well. I had this gut feeling something was going on and found out that was sending love messages and chatting about love with this Igbo girl that he calls Ifunaya and wife. His family especially his mum wants him to marry an Igbo girl in order for the girl to take care of her because it is the responsibility of the last son to take care of his mother and the eldest to take care of his father...hmmm is that true?? I have been supporting him all these 8 years and now what I am receiving are just lies and deceit. Although, after confronting him, he still lied about the Igbo girl that he met in Nigeria and said that in the event if he has to marry 2, I will be the one to know the Igbo woman that the family is going to choose or I can choose for him. I asked him why all this complications and confusion whereas to be honest I told him I would not want to be involved in a polygamous marriage. He said that he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me but because of family pressure he needs to marry back home. I need inputs because I am feeling so lost, cheated and hurt. What am I to do?

Shalanda - posted on 05/03/2014

1

0

0

Hey I have a question I have been talking to an igbo man for some months now.and he tells me how much he love me everyday and that he wants to marry me and he wants me to see his parents. How do I know if he not giving me false pretenses

Rachel - posted on 01/12/2013

2

0

0

Woman I have read all u have put up here and sorry to disagree with u all. But all Nigerians are the same but I must say Igbo's are the worse they are only nice when they want something, they sweet talk u when there after sex money or papers they are the biggest losers liars cheaters scammers I have ever known. What really gets me is they come to our western countries and treat most us white woman like trash demanding money and telling us what to do expecting us to support there broke ass. But what gets me I lived in Nigeria for 3 years and there own woman would not put up with the shit that we put up with from them. They would support there woman in everyway and not only there wife but her family as well. Anyway I think all Nigerians are nothing but pigs and need to learn that us white woman are not going to take there shit, and omg and are they bad in bed it is like get on and get off and they think they did a great job there a joke and girl's all I can say if u meet a Nigerian run a mile fast.

Willa - posted on 11/29/2013

2

0

0

I'm an American woman and married to Igbo man, we've been married for twelve years he went to Nigeria and married a woman there, is there anything I can do legally.

Betty Jean - posted on 08/11/2013

2

0

0

Hello....It's Betty Jean again......Wow!!!!!...Let me tell you guys something......I posted a post on here a few months back....I was engaged to my Igbo man then, but now he is my wonderful husband......When I tell you wonderful, romantic, kind, giving, loving, intelligent, sweet, sexy, respectful, honest,,,,the list can go on and on and on...but to make it shorten....all Igbo men are NOT the same....I have been sent an amazing blessing from God....I wouldn't trade him for the world.....We were married on June 11th of this year 2013 and when I tell you I have a good man, I really mean it!!! I guess what I wanna say is please don't judge anyone, because we will be judged with the same merits.......There are some really good men there in Nigeria, and you have to know, and trust yourself sometimes.....I did, and I have my King, and my Prince Charming for life......I'm just giving a little good advice that I have learned for myself...I went to Nigeria in June of this year and It was absolutely amazing!!!! All the people there were so wonderful, my people, and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything .......God bless you all and may you find your Prince or Princess as well.....

42 Comments

View replies by

Jossy - posted on 06/05/2014

1

0

0

LOGICALLY,, man need to grip firm their words. Before you intend to marry a foreign wife you have to be very precise with yourself and remember the bible says,,,till death then you will depart. No matter how your family insisted you to marry your country women just ignore. if he is the only person in the family then you as his wife is eligible and have the right to nurse them.

Dee - posted on 04/16/2014

1

0

0

Are all nigerian men like this? Like Chinua Achebe says "All things fall apart" with nigerian men.

Debbie - posted on 02/06/2014

1

0

0

Hi everyone,
I have been married to a Igbo man for almost 2 years. I became pregnant the first time after short time we met and now we have a second kid. Reading your stories, I find something in common, the fact that he is a caring person towards all the family, helpful at home and so on but 3 months ago I found by accident something shocking to me that didn't expect. We were sharing the same tablet that period and one day I found his fb page opened and read some conversation with women beyond the limits. We had a fight about that and he explained that there was anything, women that met before me and since then never met again. But today, I found out again another woman from Nigeria, some email and one shocked me most: it was the first period we were together after my first son was born, he wrote her a love letter and reading I felt it very bad. He says that he loves me and honestly I though that things between us were going pretty good, but now I don't feel confident anymore with him. I see cheating everywhere. In the past 3 years he didn't come to Nigeria but sometimes words may cheat worse than facts. I discovered this today so tonight I am going to talk to him. My heart is completely broken.

MamaAfrica - posted on 12/04/2013

1

0

0

I guess I came a little late but however, I just want to say I really laughed my head off at all the ladies saying their husbands are chiefs in Nigeria. First off, Igbos have very few chiefs, and the usually chiefs do not leave their homeland to go live in a foreign land. They can visit but not live there, will they be performing their chiefly duties from there? Hahahah, this is really funny and also. Chieftaincy title are given to older men who already have families and show competency in taking care of their home. Not some young men still running around looking for where to start life. However, majority of Igbo men marry Igbo women though . . . but it was funny that you girls think your husbands were chiefs, you don't even know what it requires to be a chief ahahhaha

Candy - posted on 11/18/2013

1

0

0

My Nigerian Igbo man is the best man ever he is honest loyal reliable a real man faithful and very loving Iam Blessed to have him....

Christine - posted on 04/22/2013

1

0

0

IGBO MEN ARE THE BEST EVER IN MY LIFE!!!

I do not know your experiences with your husbands. As for me, I know my Igbo husband since 1998, and we are together now for close to 15 years, now 2013 and still loving and smiling like day one.

At the first five years, it was really not so easy. But we agreed to hold on for the interest of the child. I showed understanding because it is very difficult for him to adjust to the German society. I cannot expect him immediately to be supportive because he did not have the requirements of German educational and professional system which we all passed through. It needed time. Some of my friends advised me against helping him that much, but I listened to no one.

We have our daughter Petra Chisom. I have been to Nigeria in his home town in Abia State of Eastern Nigerai, 8 (eight) good times. We make it a 2-year holidays routine, because my daughter needs her root, which is also very important for my hubby. His families in Nigeria are nice and receptive. They did not resent or distance from me, which is opposite for Africans in our society, Germany. And my daughter wish to even spend more of her times in Nigeria. They love her so much, and treat her like the Angel and Princess.

If you are having problem with your hubby. Think about it. Are you not also the major problem? How was your past relationships with other men, black, white or green? Do you employ empathy at all? Admittedly, there are good and bad people, but it has nothing to do with a people or country.

Bi-national marriages is harder to manage, and even people of same nationality divorce often. Each need sacrifice from both partners. If one is not tolerant and ready for adjustment and show understanding to the priorities of each other, it cannot work.

My hubby had never done anything without discussing with me, and I too. I actually started by encouraging him and supported him to study in a University after his normal Ausbildung because he complained that with just German Apprenticeship (Ausbildung) that he does not feel to use the potentials inside him.

So my fellow women, learn how to support your husband's aspirations and he will support yours and be yours, if not, we all must be complainants.

However, THERE ARE THE GOOD AND THE BAD. May be, I am just lucky, but I have sacrificed a lot of somethings too to reach her, and he too. Thanks

Amarachi - posted on 02/11/2013

1

0

0

Hi i just got marry to a igbo man from imo but we been living together for 2 yrs. He's different from any man I dated before....he cooks and he clean the house and he washes my clothes and he also work. There are bad and good guys all no matter if you're black, white, yellow or tan.

Carolin - posted on 01/16/2013

3

0

0

Dear Rachel, I must say and I know all my girlfriends agree, that there are certain similarities, but on different levels and in different areas. And these can be bad or good.
I just found out that my ex, who I am still married to, tried to trick me, so that he can remain in Europe, and therefor forged our divorce documents and sent them to me. I now filed for divorce again in my own country, which is not where we married btw.
After speaking to him he told me he impregnated another woman now and wants to marry her and stay in Europe. He also said that he doesn't regard our child as his own, for the fact that I didn't let him see her while she was alive. But he threatened me to take her from me if he sees her and initially said I should cook her in a soup. :(
But I am more upset about still being married to him than anything else. He is one man, who could be from any country, thus happens to be Igbo, who has issues.
But even though no relationship is perfect and I have my differences with my current boyfriend, I could never compare him to my ex in any way. He is loving, sweet, caring and honest. Though Igbos have a tendency to not talk about their personal problems at all, he has learned with me that there is no need to hold anything in and that he actual feels a lot lighter and better when he shares them with me. Some things are cultural, and deeply rooted, but can be changed at least slightly so that a relationship with a woman from a different cultural background can actually function. But things have to be spoken about, yea sometimes you have to repeatedly bring up a particular issue, as Igbos can be a very hard nut to crack, but if and when they love you, they will sooner or later realize that they will need to adjust, just like many of us adjust to them, I am even speaking quite a bit of Igbo as well as fluent Pidgin and practically know how to cook all of their local dishes. But it takes a whole lot of understanding, acceptance, tolerance and patience. Keep in mind that behavior and mind stuck ideals and patterns can not be changed over night and take explanation and love too. All in all, like in nearly every relationship, love is hardly ever serendipity but almost always a hard earned achievement. Bless you all !

Rachel - posted on 01/12/2013

2

0

0

I just read that poor girl's story about the baby. Huh I feel for u I had one like that I know how u feel sorry but I have always dated Nigerian men and getting hurt over and over. Now I realize there all the same just a waste of damn time u will all see in the end u are repeating the same mistakes over and over again trust me there not worth it

Marie - posted on 11/08/2012

1

0

0

Hello, My story is way different. I married an Igbo man from Imo state 4 years ago and we have a wonderful marriage. He is very understanding and a wonderful provider for our family. He helps change diapers and helps clean too. He never treats me badly. I'm sorry you have experienced bad igbo men but I assure you they are not all bad. My husband is amazing!

Carolin - posted on 09/19/2012

3

0

0

Hallo Beata, ja ich weiß, es ist nicht einfach, aber wenn ich ihm nicht vergeben haette ,dann wuerde ich keinen Frieden haben. I have come to the conclusion that alll things happen for a reason, and I cant let a man destroy my hope :) you will find joy !!! Lots of blessings !!!

And yea lol maybe one day I will write a book ;)

User - posted on 09/18/2012

1

0

0

wow.... this is sooo film worthy - you should definitely get something out of this experience..

Beata - posted on 09/15/2012

7

0

0

Carolyn , there is no anger in your post at all, how ? after this all you went through. Lots of happines to you.

Carolin - posted on 09/12/2012

3

0

0

Hi, I must first of all say, not all Igbos are entirely the same, there are some very faithful and good men out there. After 2 relationships, 1 marriage of 5 years and all that at an age of now only 25, I must say I have seen alot. My first boyfriend was Igbo from Aba, Abia State, after one year of more or less knowing him, we got married, I was 19 then. After getting married we had a huge fight and literally spent two years apart, not even talking to each other, I must say in addition to this, that he was studying in Sweden and I was finishing my education in Germany at that time. In the meantime, both of us had another relationship. The Igbo guy I went out with was from Abia State as well, absolutely lovely ,a true Christian, kind, thoughtful, funny, not bossy at all, he treated me like a queen. The only problem was that I couldn't love him, I was too much in love with my husband, so we separated and I decided to move to Sweden and give my marriage a last chance, wrong decision! When I moved to Sweden we started arguing heavily, on a daily basis, he wanted me to lose weight at any cost and succombe to him as well. I guess I didn't know him enough until then. The first time he slapped me, my parents and him fell out, but I stayed, as I had no friends in Sweden, hardly spoke the language at that time, and was just too much in love.

But it never got better, only worse, he told me if I annoy him even just by crying, that he would have the right to shut me up by punching me in my face. He nearly made me believe it was my own fault that I was treated this way. I did everything I could, tried to help him with his depressions, step down from his pride, mainly I just wanted his happiness, despite everything.

But it all broke apart nearly three years later after me bringing him to Germany, he wasn't working, going to a German course after 6 months of just being at home, for 3 hours a day, after that he would sleep all day, I would cook in the morning, go to work, come back, do all housework, cook again, sleep. Last year I got pregnant, three months into the pregnancy he kicked me in the stomach, 2 months later, caused by all the happenings and my emotional distress, my daughter was born prematurely and only survived for 7 days. He sent me a text message after she was just born, saying I should cook soup with her :,( that was when I filed for divorce, so many bruises, choking me, neglecting me, robbing me, humiliating me, I couldnt take it anymore. I moved to London, away from him, started a new life. Met another Igbo guy, he was a good person, helped me out of my depression and made me courageous, he is from Enugu state, just has too many issues though that I just cant assist him with any longer, lasted for 7 months, he is now in Nigeria, but we are still friends. I have now met someone from Anambra, he is a true Christian, very caring, gentle, honest, easy going and just makes me happy, this time I will take things slowly, but I already am so impressed at how different this man is, let's see how this will turn out :) I want to encourage you all, to not give up on life itself, people differ and there is definately someone out there who is just right! Much love !

Beata - posted on 09/09/2012

7

0

0

And one more thing. I will never ever , never ever let my child and myself stand on this ground. By the way. To those interested in them, They call family everybody, everybody is brothers and sisters.Everybody then will beg you for money. They will talk about your child like it belong to them. I cut kind conversation quickly and have no more african family, hurraaaa, and begging for money. And my husband must to accept it or back to his chief role (with empty pockets), lol

Beata - posted on 09/09/2012

7

0

0

One more thing, laziness. I made my nasty husband do everything: including cooking for himself, hahahahahahahah. Hate him sooooo much.

I have always wondered, why african woman with companion of their husband look sooooooo unhappy. Now I now. Looking good outside and inside stinks

Beata - posted on 09/09/2012

7

0

0

he is this, and he is that, and probably he has no money.

He will laugh with you and lie to you, expect lots of lies.

Demanding, controling, jelous - u said- already !!!!. The true is it will get worse ending up bitting u.

U won't take my advice. I can see, U are blind already. Advice is RUN FROM HIM NOW!

Beata - posted on 09/09/2012

7

0

0

buahaaaaaaaa, they are all chiefs , buahahahah, with empty pockets. I have been married to one bastard for 3 years and got enough. He will use u financially, then when u start saying no, arguments will start, then you will get some punches in your head, then call police. He will want as well hurm your children cutting privet parts. Luckily in western countries itis called crime . They have no chances and you wil destroy his file forever. He will no enter to any civilized country again. There are no exceptions, it is culture thing. generally african thing

Betty Jean - posted on 08/28/2012

2

0

0

Hello, I am engaged to be married to an Igbo man from abia, now living in Lagos, Nigeria.

He is very loving and caring and sentimental.He is also very happy and romantic.We can't get enough of talking to each other and laughing and playing around.He loves kids and he wants us to have 2 or 3 kids of our own.He really listens to me when we talk.ok, now here is what i do see.He is very controlling and demanding.He uses the word "now" quite often when he feels threatened by something.He is also very jealous and wants no other man to say anything to me other than a polite hello.He wants to follow me EVERYWHERE and I mean EVERYWHERE that i go.He wants us to do everything together at all times.I mean all times,What I am hoping is that it doesnt pose a problem with us after we are married.I feel we all need room and space, time to ourselves at some point.I dont want to be smothered and never have time for me.You know what i'm talking about ladies,,,that me time...alone....relax....We really love each other so much, but i want us to respect each other's time apart when needed or asked for.....I some how don't feel like we will be apart very much.....And I don't want trust issues either, because being together every step of every moment of the day, when not working might tend to pose a little stress somewhere, creating bigger issues and problems,,,,,,,,Input please from anyone...little advice....thank you!

Alison - posted on 05/17/2012

1

0

0

I am a British woman, married to an Igbo for 26 years. We have 4 sons aged 24, 21, 19 & 10.

It has been really an uphill journey, we have fallen in and out of love, nearly divorced, lived apart for 3 years, but the marriage is still on, back togetther,we still love each other in spite of our differences. We are like chalk and cheese with completely different backgrounds in every way.

With my first 3 sons, I was determined they should not be disadvantaged in any way, and was determined to fight my own corner and bring them up British. We had massive arguments over getting them circumcised but he won that one! Now they are adults they all have white girlfriends and are very British though have some black friends also. With the youngest one I have matured a lot myself and realize how important it is not to lose the Igbo culture. So I have gone out of my way to expose him in a more positive way to more of their culture.

I have to say my in laws are delightful. My mother in law has been over and was kind & helpful. We have been treated like royalty over there too.

Must add he has been supportive whether I have wanted to be at home with the kids or work. When I worked when my son was little he stayed at home with him for 2 years as he did'nt want him in childcare and went swimming & to the park & to loads of toddler groups where he was the only man !

So after all this time I will say I love him, I love them as a race, and it is a positive thing to marry one if you are flexible and willing to give as well as take ! Good luck to all of you !! Keep smiling !!

Jennifer - posted on 04/10/2012

2

0

0

My Igbo hubby is Amazing,love my babe! thanking God for that one......

Stella - posted on 04/10/2012

37

0

4

I am igbo and I totally know what you are experiencing. That is just a cultural thing that you will literally deal with forever. Igbo men (like all the uncles and such I gre up around) expect a woman to do everything because they are "the chief" of there homes. I always gave them dirty looks when they would command that I bring them a beer or serve them, and then say "look, this is America, not Nigeria! Get use to it!!!" LOL.



My cousin's wife was kneeling on her knees cleaning and hand washing baby clothes, while also keeping up with the cooking only days after she had a c-section. And he just sat around yelling his commands from the couch. The American concept of parents being partners or part of a team that works together is NOT realistic when it comes to traditional igbo men who were born in Nigeria.



But seriously, I feel for you. Have you tried breaking him in like a wild horse? So stubborn...

Jennifer - posted on 02/12/2012

2

0

0

Oh wowsers, I am married to an igbo man as well from enugu...and preggo,, is this part of what I should expect? How are the in laws reactions?

Lyndal - posted on 10/05/2009

130

19

8

West African, mostly specific to Nigeria to be exact.... (and a few surrounding countries?)

Josmarie - posted on 10/04/2009

9

16

0

Im sorry what is Igbo is that an African tribe? That is what I am getting from this...

Lauren - posted on 10/01/2009

36

22

5

I'm married to an Igbo man too. We've been married 4 years. It is hard to agree on things because he thinks everything should be done his way. We had a lot of fights about how to raise our daughter. He hasn't given me too much crap about having a boy but my husband is also pretty easy going. I do have to say that he acted much more high handed when his mother was here. She did EVERYTHING for him and as a result he got to be pretty lazy. We had a rough time there because we had an infant, i was in school full time, and I worked full time. I really needed him to step up! We have both made huge compromises to be together so I think we appreciate each other a lot. But he is bossy. And so am I ;)

Lyndal - posted on 08/19/2009

130

19

8

I am married to a Frafra from Ghana. I live in Ghana and we are raising our daughter here. I find in the village (where we lived in our traditional family home for the past year - I was there for 2 years in total) I found it hard to ask for help because of the roles of men and women but I also made a conscious choice because he was working and I was not. He would often sweep the compound anyway but dishes and washing was a rare occassional thing. Although he did collect the water - I gave him that job early on and I was pregnant anyway. Now we live in the capital and I find it much easier, and I expect even, that he helps out with the house more. Soon I will be working and he will be looking after our daughter which is huge and just the fact that he's willing to do it even a few days a week makes me love him. I've seen both sides and now that I've lived with his family and know the culture I know I can ask things of him and he knows he should do it because of the efforts I've gone to to be a part of it all. I have earned his love and respect for it. I knew I would and that is why I made the choice to live here first before we even thought of maybe going to live in Australia, big maybe.
I mean he does mutter under his breath many times but that just makes me laugh a bit. I let him do it and don't make a big deal as long he actually does it.
Pride is a big thing for an African man. If you can find ways of keeping his pride but working around it so you still get the support you need then that's the way to do it.
Also for me an argument gets me down but for him he says it's a way of us learning about each other and knowing our boundaries so he appreciates it

Jennifer - posted on 08/18/2009

6

6

0

I am married to an Igbo man from Enugu..we've been married for a year and a half and pretty much its the same story as the rest of you ladies....I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone in my frustration!!! Things have definitely been difficult for us with our first child as we have different opinions about what to do with her...etc. I'm holding out hope that it will get better as we both adjust to the new cultures!

Debby - posted on 08/16/2009

89

39

8

Wow, It's like we all are married to the same man...lol, My husband is from the Ijaw tribe, and he learned very quickley that you can't tell me what to do, lol, he's a quick learner! we have been married for 2 years coming up in november, and he is such a wonderful man we talk everyday just before bed about the day and we prey togehter for understanding of eachother, it really helps. But I find the most important thing is to demand respect, and respect him aswell, if you don't you will not get any where. Im 23 and he's 35 and I am amazed everyday about how we just click with eachother. One more thing! alway's have a sense of humor about thing's i find that that helps so much if you are pissed off about the culture differences (bull headedness) hahaha, just breath and come back to it later .:)

Tia - posted on 08/15/2009

17

12

3

I agree with all below!!! When my sons dad was alive, i think that my arguing with him made him like me even more.lol. it did make him mad, but he did respect me more, and we were slowly becoming closer. The bossiness just comes with the territory. Just keep a sense of humor with the arguments!!!!

Sarah - posted on 08/14/2009

12

7

1

My husband an I have been married for almost 8 years, and I would have to say that the first 6.5 where the toughest. He was brand new to Canada when we met, and wasn't accustomed to our culture. We butted heads more often than not, but once he finally settled into understanding our ways, and "giving in" a little, things got so much better. You have to remember that their culture is very male dominated, but hang in there. Things will get better :O)

Jenny - posted on 08/12/2009

5

10

0

A Chief or, not I think that a marriage is a cooperative effort by both parties (husband and wife). I don't have to deal with that kind of control because me and my husband have a relationship where we help one another out. If you aren't satisfied, or happy maybe you should just talk to him about it because you are in the United States right? Old traditions are great, but you should be able to make compromises together as a couple.

Paula - posted on 08/09/2009

9

45

1

My husband is also Igbo from Anambra state, Most igbo men are very proud and carry their pride on their shoulders. My husband is also a chief in his country. Believe me a Chief is just an old tradional title. When I made my home work what a chief really is I burst out laughing. I have been married to my hubby for going to 7 years and out of those years I can say that now our relationship settled. Before we used to fight like cats and dogs all the time. It is the hand that you give him that he will treat you.... Believe me I know. I had to change my ways and become a stronger person, respecting myself and the day I put my foot down is the day my husband started to listen, understand and love me for me. I do not blame him because in Nigeria most woman are treated like that... so they usally expect the white woman to be like them. It will only get better my dear... believe me it will. xxx

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms