Mother/Grandmother Trouble...any suggestions?

Angie - posted on 07/23/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My daughter moves away to college next month (all of a 1 hour drive!). We're having a family cookout the day before we move her into her dorm so that evreyone can spend time with her and wish her good luck, tell her their wishes for her, etc. My mother told her that she wants to go with us when we move her in so that she can see her dorm room. We explained to her that during parent & student orientation, they said not to bring your whole family (that's where we got the cookout idea) because there will be so many people trying to move in, get settled, etc. We also want this to be a special time between her, me and her step-dad. My mother is ticked! Bottom line is that she wants to do what she wants to do and she's going to let you know that she's mad....to the point of hanging up on my daughter when she called to talk to her about it.



Background info for you....My mother has tried to "take over" my daughter from the day she was born and doesn't hesitate to jump at the chance to make comments about what a crap mother I am! She's not extremely cruel with her comments....she just gets her point across that she thinks I stick as a mom! My daughter has always had a great relationship with her grandmother and she's even made comments to my mother about what a great mom I am and that she should stop making false statements about me....that has slowed her down but not stopped her.



This is an event that we feel strongly about! My daughter wants her grandmother to see her room but she wants her to see it AFTER she's moved in & settled. My mom hung up on her before she could tell her that! Needless to say, my daughter is hurt but she doesn't want to "cave in" to my mother's little tantrum. What I'm afraid is that 1) she won't show up for my daughter's cookout, 2) if she does, she'll have a horrible attitude & make an arse of herself with another tantrum and 3) that she'll just go to the college on move-in day and cause a scene. There is NO talking to my mother at this point.....does anyone have any ideas to share or have you been in this situation and worked it out?

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Barbara - posted on 09/17/2009

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Since your daughter has had a good relationship with Grandma up til now if you have the time before move in day I would suggest your daughter write Grandma a note explaining that she was hoping to have a special weekend after all the rush for Grandma to come & spend some quality time and see her room where they could really visit. Grandma probably is feeling like she is losing something very precious to her too & just wants to be a part of her granddaughter's life. I'm wondering too if Grandma has helped finance either the college expenses or dorm decorating & would just like to see the results. Everybody just take a deep breath & try to put yourselves in the other persons' shoes & see things thru their eyes for a few minutes. It's important that you have that time with your daughter but it's also important that Grandma be a part of her new life as well.

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Lisa - posted on 12/18/2014

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Do we have the same Mother? I can relate so much w your pain and unhealthy drama. I'm 44 and I have a 20 yr old, 17 yr old and a 6 year old. I finally started seeing a Psychologist to help me understand this hateful side of my Mother. She can be so nice then turn like a snake. She has been having outbursts since my 20 yr old was born. I finally moved 580 miles away and that helped tremendously. She has talked badly about me to my kids. I put my foot down and told her if she was not respect me as a person and a mother that all communication would cease w kids and all. This sounds harsh, but this is unacceptable and you r their mother. She had her chance at parenting already and it appears that I look back and not many good memories of childhood . I think perhaps it gives them some sick since of power to try to bring u down. Mom definitely has a personality disorder and Bipolar, but she won't admit it or be med compliant. The latest crazy drama is talking to my recovering 17 yr old daughter from addiction. She has decided she is a counselor and I heard her yelling at my daughter that she needed to stay away from me. My daughter was crying , but she still listens to her religious abuse, judge mental and down right hateful ways. She is almost 18, but I pray that she will cease communication. I have come to the realization that mom is slim to none going to change no matter how much I try to have peace, help her out in anyway I can. My 6 yr old adores her, but noticed she would really be disobedient after being at moms house. This was before I knew about my 17 yr. old. Psychologist said totally not acceptable and to help myself and kids to cease all communication, but it felt so harsh and I kept thinking that she would love me and stop treating me so hateful w an assault three yrs towards me. I can do no more and Psychologist said that she will eventually turn on them. So we r done and it been a grieving process. I already see a positive change in my 6 yr old that loves her to pieces. She told me she didn't miss her bc she wasn't nice about me and said stuff so she wants a break. Poor baby . So smart

Ulymar - posted on 09/22/2009

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hello, at her age, i mean ur mother just try to make her cool tantrums down let the time heal the conflict,as days passed by she will miss her grandchild,and try to talk to her in a nice way as not to trigger again the conflict,because ur already married and have a beautiful daughter which she sees in u when u were a child,thats what she feel right now,try to give her present which she like most,and let her feel that u love her so much coz shes ur only mom,god bless u and ur family,first and foremost prayer is the key to soften her heart

Sharon - posted on 09/07/2009

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get your daughter to write her a letter explaining that shed love her to see her dorm but would prefer her to see it once shes settled in. Shes probably feeling left out , as you say shes always been very close to your daughter, explain in the letter that you love her very much and understand that she is upset but on this occasion she cant get her own way. If this does not work let her stew in her own juice. If she loves your daughter , she will respect her wishes. be diplomatic, kind and respectful and she cant put the blame back on yourself and your husband. good luck

Leslie - posted on 09/07/2009

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If she won't let you talk to her about it,maybe try writing her and letter, you or your daughter. You and your daughter need this time and many more times alone. Maybe try to include her some way but the both of you need your time.

Puaihina - posted on 09/03/2009

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good evening susan are you happy for your daughter decision to go college? you love your daughter very much then susan more important is your daughter, no one else you want the best for her be there for her, listen her, confort her whent she call home and said mom i have problem with my friend listen and try help no judge focus on your daughter friendship, you cannot change your mother because her mom did to her the same and you do not want same relationship with your daughter i agreen some advice from mom that have same mother, i do not know if you know how to ignore your mother, your mother love control because we give the control to them we didnt start to stop those mother like that, she maybe jealous of you or she affrais to loose her controle on your daughter affray that your daughter will love more then her, because she does not have or someone love her the way you love your daughter. very important here is that your daughter know that you are not a bad mother like her grandmother decribed, continue to show her love, respect, encourage and give advice on her decision susan your mother will continue to do hurt you and embarrase you yes ignore learn it is not easy to ignore someone that it is your family that you call mom, grandma and grandchild should have a good relation, your job is to love your daughter, make sure she know went she need a shoulder she know where to get it to put her trouble head on. college and room, that is control, your are very important talk with your daughter what she want i know it is very difficult desicion but she have to make that desicion susan, you do not want your daughter to hate you, your mother will said anything to her to hate you, hurt you, bad mom you are if she already did that your mother will continue to hurt her and your new familly it is not time for grand ma to go nursing home hahahahahaha. i am very happy you are giving your daughter a party i am little bit late for my comment i am hoping i can help, if my mother in law had give me that problem she will never see again her grand kids, i am from tahiti south of pacific i am not a mother that easy to go around, my mother respect my decision, my mother love me and my children, susan when i was maried my husband marie 3 tx i am only have children with, anyway i was very very angry with my husband to talk with is ex in law from the second mariage, but they love him, so i came home and called my mother in tahiti, my husband was next to me he does not speak tahitian or french, so i told my mother why i am very angry with me when i done complain to her about my husband, my husband aske what my mother said i told him that she hate him but that is not truth, anyway, my mother ask me if i am done complain i said yes, she asked i am sitting i said yes, she ask 3 question 1your husband goes to bar to drink, i said no, 2 your husband cheated on you i said no 3 your husband beat you i said no she scream at me and said lina you spend a lot money to call me and tell stupid complain she hung up the phone no even said goodbye so Susan give a advice that those 3 important relation in life if my husband did do then why complain so do not worrie about your daughter be there for her, let your daughter again how grand ma is and if you mom start through a fit then have a food fight hahahaha
lina

Therese - posted on 08/31/2009

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It's always disheartening to know that your child is more mature than their grandparent. I'm so sorry for your daughter for being put in this horrid position and for you to have to deal with a rude mother. Is there someway that you could meet afterward or the next day with your mom to celebrate? or the day before? maybe you can go over and pick your mom up and have a mom's outing where you can buy something special for her dorm room? I think it is rude of the grandmother to put her in this situation and not think about how this affects everyone else, but sometimes these things teach us what not to do when we get that age. God bless and I hope it turns out well.

[deleted account]

Quoting Angie:

Mother/Grandmother Trouble...any suggestions?

My daughter moves away to college next month (all of a 1 hour drive!). We're having a family cookout the day before we move her into her dorm so that evreyone can spend time with her and wish her good luck, tell her their wishes for her, etc. My mother told her that she wants to go with us when we move her in so that she can see her dorm room. We explained to her that during parent & student orientation, they said not to bring your whole family (that's where we got the cookout idea) because there will be so many people trying to move in, get settled, etc. We also want this to be a special time between her, me and her step-dad. My mother is ticked! Bottom line is that she wants to do what she wants to do and she's going to let you know that she's mad....to the point of hanging up on my daughter when she called to talk to her about it.

Background info for you....My mother has tried to "take over" my daughter from the day she was born and doesn't hesitate to jump at the chance to make comments about what a crap mother I am! She's not extremely cruel with her comments....she just gets her point across that she thinks I stick as a mom! My daughter has always had a great relationship with her grandmother and she's even made comments to my mother about what a great mom I am and that she should stop making false statements about me....that has slowed her down but not stopped her.

This is an event that we feel strongly about! My daughter wants her grandmother to see her room but she wants her to see it AFTER she's moved in & settled. My mom hung up on her before she could tell her that! Needless to say, my daughter is hurt but she doesn't want to "cave in" to my mother's little tantrum. What I'm afraid is that 1) she won't show up for my daughter's cookout, 2) if she does, she'll have a horrible attitude & make an arse of herself with another tantrum and 3) that she'll just go to the college on move-in day and cause a scene. There is NO talking to my mother at this point.....does anyone have any ideas to share or have you been in this situation and worked it out?


 

Raeome - posted on 07/31/2009

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I have a mother quite the same. I had my son young and she thinks he's hers sometime. He has had to explain to her face to face that when it's a parents day it's just going to be just mom, dad and himself. Her feelings are hurt for a bit and then he explains when she can do something with him. Over the phone is never good! Can your daughter explain to her that once she's setteled in she wants to spend the day just her and grandma? Just one on one time?

Anne - posted on 07/31/2009

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Hi Angie, When our youngest went off to college it was from MI to CA. her only living Grandparent lives in CO. So we did not have any issues with anyone going except her dad(My husband) and I going with her.
However our daughter's college does have a Grandparents' weekend in the spring. It was several months removed from the "Move in Day" but does your daughter's college have anything like this.? I know our daughters college made a big deal of the Grandparents weekend. Hope this helps.

Mona - posted on 07/24/2009

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I would express that this is for PARENTS ONLY. Her tantrum is only making things hard for your daughter and is this really how your mom wants to leave things?

Your daughter comes first. I would have no problem asking my mother to leave the cookout if she started throwing a tantrum. This cookout is to celebrate your daughter not to display drama. You may want to give your mom a heads up that she will be asked to leave if she makes this unpleasent for your daughter.

http://moremilestones.blogspot.com

Laura - posted on 07/24/2009

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I think we have the same mother! Not making lite of your situation, because I COMPLETELY understand what your going through. My mother did the same, went down on the day I took her to college. Has always taken over since she was born. Always has something to "condem" me for in how I have parented my daughter and my son (who is younger), so I really do understand. I am going through VERY tough time right now with the two of them because my daughter is living with her, that is another topic for another day. My suggestion to you would be to hold your ground. As tough as it is, as much as she probably makes you feel guilty and as much as you want to give in, because she is your mother and your daughter's grandmother, fact is, this is NOT about HER, this is your daughter's day, and you are providing a celebration for the family to say goodbye, good luck, etc. So, if she doesnt show up at the celebration, as much as it will hurt both you and your daughter, remember that it is her issues, not yours and not your fault, especially not your daughter's fault. If she does show up and throws a fit, ignore it, as hard as that will be, ignore it. She will be the one making herself look bad and I know that is SO much easier said than done!!! And if she shows up @ college when moving in, just go to one of the counselors or student aides that are there helping/directing and have them tell her "we need you to wait outside, there is a limit to only 2 people with a student, then she will have to listen to someone else there, other than you. She will probably pout and throw a fit, but again, as hard as it will be, try to ignore her and enjoy (as much as you can enjoy leaving your daughter at college ~ thats a tough one too ~ LOL) the experience and try not to worry about your mom. She will come around evidentually or not, but it is NOT about you, her issues are HER issues. I dont know you personally, but I feel fairly safe in saying, Your a good mom, you are doing the best you can with the circumstances, and I wish you the best of luck. We will have to chat!! Sounds like we have a LOT in common and its hard for other people who are not going through it to understand. Take Care!

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