My son started Community College and lives at home

[deleted account] ( 46 moms have responded )

I worry about him staying out too late and being tired for school. Can I give him a curfew on school nights? He is 19 years old.

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Narda - posted on 02/09/2010

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Yes, you can give him a curfew, a reasonable one. My now 21 year old wasn't doing good in school. He also just wanted to be out partying all the time. He wasted a whole year with that nonsense until we finally said enough is enough. Even now he still has to be home by no later than midnight on school nights. I don't care that he goes out to parties on weekends but, during the week when he has to go to school and work, he needs to be home at a reasonable hour. He actually usually gets home between 10pm and 11pm.



We recently created a contract (literally wrote out a contract that we all will be signing) telling him exactly what he needs to do in school (minimum grade acceptable) and at home (chores) to be able to continue to reap all the benefits of living in our house.



You want to give them their freedom to make their own mistakes but, you can't just stand around and watch them throw away their future without trying to knock (not literally) some sense in them. During out last conversation, I calmly informed him that I just loved him too much to watch him throw his future away and if he insisted on doing that, he would need to do it somewhere else. I will help him in any way I can, but I will not help him throw away his future.

Staci - posted on 01/26/2010

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There comes a point in time when we have to let our children make their own choices, no matter how hard that might be. They can not learn to be an adult until they start making decisions for themselves. And you both need to be prepred for them to make some bad ones along with the good ones. I look at it from the way they learned to walk. We help them to a point, but then you just have to let them go. Yes, they are going to fall and yes they may get hurt. You can be there to help them up, brush them off and send them back on their way. That is the hardest part of being a parent. Knowing when to let go. There are also other factors you must consider. Are you paying for school? I would tell him that you will only pay as long as he is passing all his classes. If he fails then you will no longer pay for his classes. We all want to help our kids be the best they can, but sometimes they have to fail at something to learn how to be better.

Yolanda - posted on 07/16/2013

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Yes he lives in your house! You should of been doing this from the beginning. Now it may be hard to give him a curfew because he thinks he's an adult but if you sit him down and talk about it I'm sure you guys can come to an agreement. Let him help make the curfew.

Melanie - posted on 02/13/2010

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I would not give him a curfew he has to start learning that his decisions are going to start effecting his future and the only way he will learn is to start making his own decisions and paying the consequences. Now is his coming in late is effecting others in the home that is different he needs to respect others sleeping patterns etc.

Priscilla - posted on 02/13/2010

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I HAVE A 20 year old daughter and she is great very responible..she also goes out late.. I dont think a curfew for a 19 year old is a great idea...I think if his responible ..you should let him be.. my daughter has a part-time job and goes to college full time...and I trust her dearly..right at this moment I think she needs to get out and have a good time..I dont see any sign of drugs..so i trust...If your son is doing what he is support to be doing ...like getting up for college grades are good and has a job ..let him live..

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Min - posted on 09/24/2015

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I have 19 living at home going to college and we are paying for his tuition. He wont do anything around the house. He says he will do it but just ignores. When we confront him he just yells gets angry and calls names etc. Then he has horrid girlfriend that adds fule to the fire tells him to fight hard. We are at a loss to what we should do with him. He makes fun of us on face book, with his friends and girl friend every time. He wont listen to his older sister at all.

Sophia - posted on 02/18/2014

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Talk with him.. Explain how you feel.. Ask him to call you when he change the time he is coming home,,,, ask him to respond to your text or calls when he is out. And don't get on his nerve... Just ask if he is ok and say love you then hang up, my son always call back and say mom am leaving soon.

Bemum - posted on 10/28/2013

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Some tips I would like to share with you. I found them on iReport.

1. Lend an ear – as grown up as your children may feel, they still want you to listen as they vent about their messy new roommates, their tough course load or their demanding professors. They may not want you to step in and solve their problems for them like you did when they were younger, but they will take comfort in you being around to listen.

2. Send them treats – after trying the campus dining hall food, your kids sure would appreciate a delicious care package. If you don’t have the time and energy to cook yourself, just order online from College Cookies and your child will receive a dozen freshly baked, hand-made cookies and a personalized note.

3. Go social – your children may not always be able to talk on the phone, but they will mostly likely be available online. Connect on their favorite platforms like Facebook, Skype, WhatsApp and Instagram. Just remember to respect their space. Just because you can communicate with your children almost 24/7 doesn’t mean that you should.

4. Step into their world – spend some time walking on and off campus to help your kids feel more comfortable in their new surroundings. This is also a good chance for you to get to know some of their friends while exploring. Take them (and their friends) out for dinner around the campus; visit spots that get the best reviews on Yelp or Foursquare.

5. Invite them home – besides holidays and semester breaks, invite your children home for a random weekend. Let them do laundry and enjoy a favorite meal. They may not always admit to being homesick, but they truly will appreciate the love and support of family. To make them feel extra special, greet them with a “Welcome Home” sign

Cheryl - posted on 09/04/2013

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Yes he should have a curfew. He needs to know that it is important to be well rested in order to perform well in school. He lives under your roof and you support him. If he wants to stay out late and do whatever he wants he needs to move out and be self sufficient .

A_m_b_hall - posted on 08/05/2013

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Jennifer,
If college costs was not written into the CS order before your son reached 18, you can't add it now. Consider asking your son's father to help out, but he is not legally obligated.
I believe the only except to this is Washington, DC where child support is until age 21.

Jennifer - posted on 03/07/2013

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My son is 19 living at home. I am a struggling single parent. He wants to start community college, he has been working since he graduated and has been helping with the bills. He wants to go to community college. What I want to know is Can we get child support from my ex?

Dee - posted on 04/05/2010

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In my opinion, you could suggest a time that he comes home in the manner that he is so tired and you are concerned about his studies and going back and forth to school. Use reverse pschology on him. Maybe that would work.

SHEREE - posted on 02/24/2010

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is he living in your home? Are you paying tuition ? ...then the answer is .............YES!!!!!!!!!!....The house rules don't change b/c you got older in my house ... I bet he's not worried about you still being the only one who's paying for everything..I pay the cost to be boss........All grown people need their own home if they feel that your rules are causing them stress ...right now your stressed.... and that is PRIORITY...............We as parents have invested years of our own lives into our children you are not wrong to protect your investment , nor are you wrong to want to see growth...As a parent ...if I saw my child's life in danger I would not considered his age as to whether or not I would do all to help him........I know many will say ....oh she is just using situations that don't reflect the heart of this statement..........age is a number.....maturity and good decision making does not always come with it...regardless of his age ....when his sick i want to take care of him and when he's sad i want to cheer him up...........i'm the same mom.....training them to make the right decisions does'nt mean they will.................letting go and setting rules and guidelines to be followed while they live in your home as an adult is not the same thing one thing has nothing to do with the other.......letting go ...is not trying to choose their friends monitoring there where-abouts and dictating where they are allowed to go..what their major will be..you pray that they make good decisions...in those areas and when they don't ....brush'em off and push them back out there to figure it out .........but at your home..... it's not too much to ask that they come in at a decent hour ..........truly respectful kids won't have a problem with that.............and if they do ...it's time for the other side of being all grown up ....get your own and you can do it till you can't get enough.....and as most of us know ...you will get enough and get tired too!!!!!!!!!. If he's living on campus ...that will be hard ...grades may be the way to go with that...hope I helped...and yes I have college age children ...on my way to #2

Patti - posted on 02/23/2010

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so long as it isn't on my dime otherwise I am making sure he gets everything he can out of it

Mindy - posted on 02/22/2010

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You could,but that would only add to his dependence on you. Make him know how it will feel if he does stay out too late. It will make him more responsible in the end!!

Patti - posted on 02/22/2010

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ARE YOU SUPPORTING HIM? PAYING FOR SCHOOL, CLOTHES, FOOD? IF YES THEN YES YOU CAN

[deleted account]

If your son was away at school you would never know what time he does anything, so to set a curfew is really pointless. Our daughter is away at school, but when she came home for breaks or to visit it was really difficult to not stay up until she got home. Sleep deprevation is not fun! She has always kept her grades in good standing so we took the position that she knew why she was in school. At first we did set a curfew and that presented some problems, but we all dealt with it. Now (she is a senior) the one rule that we will not budge on is that if for some reason she is not going to come home that night for whatever reason she at least has to call and let us know that no matter what time of night that decision is made.

Alice - posted on 02/21/2010

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mine lives at home as well and will start in the spring, when he doe's he will have a curfew. he understands that as long as i'm supporting him through his schooling and he's still living at home theres still going to be rules that he will have to follow, otherwise he can pay his own bills and tuition. he seems to like my rules

Amy - posted on 02/21/2010

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My son will be living at home and attending community college in the fall. He will have a curfew and will follow house rules will he lives here.

Carmela - posted on 02/21/2010

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All my kids live at home ages 19 to 24 my rule is live in my house there is a curfew during the week they need be home by midnight .. I'm more flexible on weekend but still I need go to bed so time will range from 2 to 330 depend on where they go. but its important to set down the rules when they live at home...

Karen - posted on 02/18/2010

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mine has a curfew on school nights and weeknds. You live at home you have to be respectful of the rest of us that need to get up. I think it is a reasonable one but he has one.

Jane - posted on 02/18/2010

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My house, my rules is the motto in our home. My 20 year old daughter is away at college (1000 miles away) but when she's home, I want her home by a certain time. It is what it is, she respects it and abides by it. Sometimes she'll stay at her boyfriends family's home and if she does that, I expect her to decide that prior to going out OR call me before 11PM to say she's going to stay at his house. Again, she abides by this. You can ABSOLUTELY set a curfew. Just because he's 19, doesn't mean you can't have rules in YOUR home!

Estelle - posted on 02/15/2010

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Both my kids went to our local community college for 2 years before they transferred to a University. Both lived at home and worked for spending money while they did so. I agree with the folks who said as long as they kept up their grades that we would pay school related costs. We sat down with each of them and laid out the boundaries They included a 2AM curfew during the week out of curtsey for the rest of us that had to get up and go to work. It wasn't without some struggle, especially with our daughter, but i Think it was important. Adult life has limits and boundries .

Viviana - posted on 02/14/2010

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I'm lucky and my 19 year old actually will give me time and listen to what I have to say. A curfew would be very stressful and he will probable feel you do not trust him. If you are paying the tuition - I suggest you let him know your concerns and together come up with some boundries that work for both of you. My 19 year old is away at school so I have to trust that he is getting the rest he needs. Find out about his courses and what time they start. Is he going part time or full time. All that plays into effect. Remember to when you were 19. We have to learn to let go and be there to help them get up when it a wrong one. When he's home - as he goes out - I still say "not to late". There is nothing wrong in letting him know you care.

Claudette - posted on 02/12/2010

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absolutely, you can set a curfew! He is living in YOUR home and until he is paying rent, he is a guest in your home and should respect your rules.

Mary - posted on 02/12/2010

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you've raised him for 18 years and now even though he is still living at home he is an adult. Stop babying him (even though it's hard) Remember the college doesn't care if he is late or doesn't come to class at all. He should learn from his own mistakes. You have to trust that he'll know what to do. I have a 19 year old also. and there's no curfew because he learned the hard way in high school what happens and the consequences.

Christine - posted on 02/09/2010

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My son moved back home to go back to school. He is 25. He has a curfew of 1:00am Monday-Thursday. We explained to him that since he is living in our house, and his behavior has an impact on the entire family e.g. coming in late waking us up etc, that we need him to be home on school nights at this time but understand that he is in college and needs to blow off steam with his friends on Friday and Saturday nights. He was quite accepting of this and it hasn't been an issue since we asked him to do it.
Regards,
Christine

Tina - posted on 02/07/2010

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He is legally an adult, and the harder you push the more he will rebel. Let himknow that if you are paying for college he needs to pass his classes with at least a C. At least he's going to school, and trying to learn to be an adult at the same time. He may need to stumble before he figures it out, but at least he still has parents who care

Jennifer - posted on 02/05/2010

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Also, my daughter had a part-time job. I decided to make sure she was up for school in high school, but if she didn't get up for work, that was her problem. She eventually lost that job, but now she gets up in time for her new job. And, she had so much trouble getting up for high school, she schedules her college classes for later in the morning.

It sounds like you are doing a good job.

Jennifer - posted on 02/05/2010

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As long as he lives at your house, you can give him a curfew. Unfortunately, my daughter is also staying out late, but mostly on the weekend and not when she has school.

Renee - posted on 02/03/2010

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I agree with you on this Christy. My mom raised me the same way. So I pass it on.

Lisa - posted on 02/02/2010

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It's absolutely alright to give him a curfew. My 20 yr old daughter lives at home and attends a university in town. I told her as long as she's under my roof - its my rules. She can move out if she doesn't like it. I am more lenient on weekends though when I don't have to go to work in the morning. On weekends she can come and go as she pleases as long as she lets me know when she'll be home or calls me.



Mostly the curfew is for MY good, not hers - she stays up all night anyway even if she's home. I just want to get my own rest without her waking me up at all hours.

Christine - posted on 02/02/2010

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my son works two jobs, one from 1pm to 5pm, the other from 6pm to 2am. He's a sophmore this year and managing with good grades. He's not the only one working llike this either. So if it's being tired you're worried about, I'm sure he can handle it a lot better than us "old" folks.

Lynae - posted on 02/02/2010

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I live in a university town and all of my children lived with us for the first 2 or 3 semesters, and we had rules that they had to live by. Such as please let us know where you are at all times. We did have a curfew, but it was to be home after the movie or whatever they were at was to be done. The later they came home the earlier they got up. Yes they need to make their own choices but they r still under our roof and have to be aware of our feelings too. Our 20 year old is still living with us and she abides by our rules. We let her do what she wants as long as she lets us know about what time she gets in or if she is going to be late.

Christy - posted on 02/02/2010

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Best thing I did was to let my son stay in the dorm. He is learning to take care of himself and he really is proud of that.

Christy - posted on 02/02/2010

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I have rules at my home because I feel if they are staying in my house they need to follow rules of the house.

Tracy - posted on 02/01/2010

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We go by the moto "my house, my rules". Both my 20yr and 17yr have curfews. Even my 22yo would give us a courtsey call or text if she was going to be late or stay w/a friend before she moved out. School always comes first!!! We use incentives like if they are on the honor roll we buy their gas and car insurance. Works for us :)

Robertine - posted on 01/31/2010

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I too have a 19 year old son, but he don't get out much unless he's hanging out with the youth at our church or if he's in school. He too goes to a community college. He'll be twenty this March. I try to let him have some lead way. But I think as long as they are living at home, that they should have some boundaries and respect. They are to be treated as adults but they should also have respect as long as they are under your roof. I don't know if it's a good idea to set a curfew for your son. If he's starts having trouble with his classes then this will a consequence that he will have to deal with. This is a transitional stage that parents go through with their kids when they are growing up.If he was away from home, he would probabaly be staying out late as well. Then this would be out of your control. Maybe you can talk to him and express how you feel. I too have to stay on my son and make sure he's getting his assignments done. I have to remind myself that he's no longer in highschool. This is his first year of college. He's receiving financial aid. So I have to back off and hope that he's doing what he's supposed to do in order to pass his classes. You may have to do the same, just back off and let him figure this out for himself. Suzanne I know this is hard. As mothers we always worry about our children.

Annemarie - posted on 01/29/2010

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My son is in college and works part time as well. We pay his car insurance for him but only if he keeps his grades at B or better. His insurance rates are lower because of the good student discount so they will go up if he doesn't do well. I know he stays up way too late but I figure it is his responsibility as he is 19 1/2 now. It IS really hard though to not tell them what to do but they will only learn responsibility if they are treated as responsible adults. The more responsibility you can give to your child, the better it is for them. If we always do everything for them they never learn how to do things for themselves and in the world we live in today, they need all the help they can get. Good luck and I am sure he will surprise you and do well.

Kathryn - posted on 01/28/2010

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And I bet he works hard and appreciates his education and tries to get good grades too right Michele? I am so glad my kids grew up working in a family business and always knew they DIDN'T want to have to work like that all their lives. it instilled great work ethic, but showed them also that a college education would be their ticket out!

Michele - posted on 01/28/2010

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Good points Kathryn Rose! We made a deal with our son. We pay for his registration and he pays for his books, if he gets a B or higher, we reimburse him for his books. He pays all of his own bills (cell phone, car insurance, credit card). We just supply him with the basic essentials, food and a bed to sleep in. Our son goes to school full-time, works and has a girlfriend, so the money he makes is NOT just for having fun, it's for surviving.

Michele - posted on 01/28/2010

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Good luck with that! My son will turn 20 tomorrow, he is currently a Sophomore at our Community College. They have to learn about being responsible and coming home at a reasonable hour when they have class the next morning. My son knows that if he stays up too late or is out too late, he goes to class even if he is exhausted, which he has done!



If you try to give him a curfew, you'll more than likely get the line "I am an adult and I can make my own decisions" or "I am not a kid anymore", that's when you have to let them struggle and find out what life is all about and he'll have to figure out what is more important to him, sleep and school or no sleep and friends. We're parents what do we know?!

Kathryn - posted on 01/27/2010

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I was lucky, mine was at college on scholarships and she knew I couldn't afford to pay for her, so she had to do well and be there, so I tried to never say a word to her if she came in at 3 AM. She also worked 2 jobs, and had a boyfriend. But you may want to give him some added responsibility. Don't take this wrong, I think it's great when parents CAN pay for their children's education, but not so their kids can work for 'spending money' give him a household bill that is his responsibility to pay. The water bill, the internet, something he uses. It makes getting up for work a whole lot more important. If he doesn't have gas money.. Oh well, big deal, he'll have someone else drive, But no Internet... Oh MY Heavens!!!!! Especially if it effects his family, As for if he FAILS you get paid back? why not if you get less than a C? You want him to learn something right? I guess I am a horrible parent, cuz if my kids bring home B's I want to know why? Again, I know my circumstance is different, My daughter was responsible for every bill except rent for second year she was in community college. (including cell phones for everyone in the house) don't feel bad for her, she also carries her choice of 6 Coach purses. She had 2 jobs she moved out 3 weeks ago after graduating (with honours) with her AA, and is now continuing her education at USF where she and her boyfriend of 5 years are sharing an appartement. and I have no doubt in my mind she will make it perfectly fine on her own. She knows how to time manage, AND money manage. She tells me were still best friends too! So I guess I did Okay! BTW I have a 17 and 7 year old too, they all have been told since birth, "College is NOT an option in our house, it is a REQUIREMENT, and I cannot afford it, so we ALL do our best every day to learn all we can while we can!" I guess what I'm saying is, you can't really put a cerfew on him, but you CAN give him other responsibilities to hopefully make him put one on himself. 10 is a bit early though mom... I'm sure he can handle being out till midnight and still get up at 6 for work, at 19, heck, we used to stay out till 2 and be up at 6:30. I know... times are different.

[deleted account]

Thanks everybody for the advice. I am paying for school and told him if he fails any class he will pay me back. he also works part time and doesn't get up on his own always. I know it's not my resposiblity to get him up but I don't want him to loose his job either. he falls back to sleep after his alarm goes off. So I told him to be home by 10pm when he has to be up by 6am. That's 3 days a week. He want to be with his friends all the time.

Nora - posted on 01/26/2010

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No but at least he comes home.If he went away to college you'd have no clue what he's doing.

Anne - posted on 01/26/2010

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A curfew would just cause you too much stress!. But if you are Paying His Tuition you can set a healthy boundary. When our oldest was living at home at 21 and going to community college, living at home, my husband/her dad and I sat down ad told her we would pay her tuition and she had to pay for her books. BUT she had to maintain a B or better. NOT A B-. The winter semester she turned 22 she had a class that she did not like the teacher, time or subject. She decided that one of the local bars needed her to help close it every night, NO She Did Not Work at the bar. As a result her grade went to a b- and we stopped paying her tuition. Had she really tried to get a better grade we would have renegotiated the boundary. But because she did not live up to her end of the bargain she sat out a year. Looking back it was one of the hardest but best things we did for her. she went to word for a very good company, but she hatted the work. She ended up going away to Culinary School. She is now 26, VERY Responsible, and has her Associate degree in Culinary Arts and Bachelors in Food Service and Restaurant Management.

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