Son with SPD and my husband and I don't agree on parenting/disiplining

Trish - posted on 09/01/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My 8 year old son was recently diagnosed SPD. He gets easily frustrated when things don't go the way he expects them to and during transitions. This usually results in a meltdown/temper tantrum complete with crying, screaming, and throwing his body around. We have been working on preparing him for situations that might not go the way he wants and giving a warning about a transition. But you can't prepare for every little thing.

My husband and I don't agree on how to handle this when it happens.

I think we should try and calm him, and if that doesn't work to wait out the meltdown. After he is calm he is usually able to listen and try and work out the problem. I've also been trying to use natural concequences with him. For example if it's time to get ready for bed and he melts down. Then he doesn't get a snack because there isn't time left.

My husband thinks we should put him in a time out everytime he has a melt down, because he thinks that our son can control when he loses it. My husband also thinks that he should have more of a consequence than just losing/missing out on something.



I'm looking for advice to make our parenting work together so we aren't constantly disagree about how to do this. We are both left with hurt feelings and our son's behaivor isn't changeing.

2 Comments

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Stacey - posted on 09/14/2012

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I have issues, as well as my 12yr old son, with SPD - and mine is far worse than his. What that has taught me - is a ton - Mine has only become severe in the last 4yrs. There is a fabulous site - SPD support forum. What I have learned is that it is so important to consider what is actually causing the melt down. For myself - learning what was triggering me - while doing dishes, or taking a shower - was so much more complicated than I could have ever imagined. When you can predict some sensory things - it is easier to try to head off meltdowns in the first place. I have had the same issue with my husband - in regards to my son. I highly recommend researching all you can, and seeing it, from adult perspectives is the only reason my husband gets the SPD with my son now. For months now - I can do dishes with out melting down, and get a shower with out melting down. You really have to educate your husband on what is happening. I was wondering about your sons bed time melt downs - sounds, tactile, smells, decompression time - before going to bed - maybe he is too overwhelmed sense wise already, and feels like a jumping bean trying to get out of the bean - but he is going to bed. There are some great books too about SPD. I have always found that peoples personal stories make it so much easier to figure out what may work for me, and my son. I hope this helps a little. My son has gotten better - far less meltdowns now that I take into consideration many things.

Mountain - posted on 09/05/2012

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this sounds so familiar- my daughter who has ocd/adhd w/emotional disturbance does not throw herself on the floor, but is irrational and overreactive when certain things are "wrong" in her world. Most of her issues are about her germaphobia, but she does have some other triggers, ex.- she can't wear a shirt that has been "stretched" by someone else brushing her hair. Keep in mind, the brush never touches her shirt. she's got other similar triggers to her panic... Like you, my husband and I disagree on how to handle these outbursts. He thinks they are a control issue, and mostly my fault. I know that there have been many times where an aversion to an imagined factor has kept her from having/getting to do something she dearly wanted. I've seen her sincerely cry, heartbroken, because she now couldn't do/ have the the thing. That is the nature of ocd, it takes over as much as you let it. The adhd worsens the situation, because a big part of adhd is lack of impulse control. So, the ocd compells her and the lack of impulse control makes it really hard to fight the compulsion.

But back to your issue- we went to a therapist who said that there were 2 main ways to teach self control- (1) consistent structure in the home (2) clearly united( meaning supportive of eachother and not fighting in front of child) parents forming an inpenetrable wall of guidance and exceptance for the child. Guiding by example (do as I do, here's how to improve), and excepting w/affirmations of love ( we love you no matter what) Anyway, that has been our goal. We've definately not come that far yet, but i do believe it is the answer. :)

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