14 y/o daughter andstep dad..almost too close!!! HELP

Brooke - posted on 01/30/2010 ( 20 moms have responded )

69

21

5

My 14 y/o just came to live me after being with her father for 6 yrs. She has had some messed up ways andshe was sent here to be strainghed out...she was cutting, lieing, manipulating, acting out in a sexual way, (no sex just teasing) and then some! she came here and thought by now we had it figured out, she goes to therapy 1x a week, and we have gotten most the kinks out, no cutting in 3 months, straight F;s to B student, uhmmm explicit photos are no longer happening, ect. HERE is the problem..... she is VERY VERY cozy with my hubby. Hugs him all the time, i have found him just kinda watching her.(.im not sure what to think of this one) he just sneaks peaks when she is on the couch and what not ..nothing pervie. She kinda sets herself up, to be looked at tho. Stretching a awkward way, walking with im not like she should...hugging on him at weird times...its just hard to write. THEY BOTH just seem too cozy..and i am terrified of the outcome on this OR how to react..maybe she is just seeing him as what a dad should be, for the first time in the 7 yrs weh ave been together????? there is more to this, but this is just the highlights..tell me i am crazy please!!!!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Traci - posted on 02/16/2010

22

14

2

I also COMPLETELY agree with Heather, especially in regards to your husband "checking" out your daughter. There is no excuse for it. One of the hardest reasons that you cannot tell for sure if a child has been molested or not, is there is not one way that they act. I was molested by my stepfather, and trust me, he checked me out, but not in the presence of other people. But I will say this, I would rather you error on the side of caution and risk offending your husband, that thinking he couldn't be doing anything to your daughter. Even if he's only thinking about it - hell no, it's not okay. If you hadn't observed him "checking her out", with her behavior toward him, it is quite possible that another adult has molested her, maybe even her bio dad. Hopefully, nothing sexually has happened to her, but in any case, jump in head first and do anything and everything that you can for your daughter, which it very much sounds like you are doing. I know it's got to be very hard for you to even consider the possibility that someone has or might do something sexually to your daughter. My being molested, which was a long, long time ago, and fortunately for me I have dealt with it very healthily, is harder on my mom than on me, because she wasn't able to prevent it from happending and I am her baby (43 now). I did not tell her until after her and my stepdad split up, and she definitely dealt with his ass, and she was EXTREMELY supportive to me. Any way, I could obviously go on forever. I wish you nothing but the best, and please keep us posted. Take care, darlin'!

Claudia - posted on 01/31/2010

30

18

2

Why was she with her father instead of you? Those are important developmental years when a girl is learning to be a woman, watching her mother as a role model. She may have "repressed" anger issues. "Where were you, Mom, when I needed you" type of stuff. She may be getting even with you by "stealing" the time, affection & attention that belongs to you. This could be conscious or even unconscious. It is up to your husband to recognize this, refuse to participate, and RUN to the counselor! If he doesn't, then he is enjoying the attention and needs a serious wake-up call followed, if necessary, by a boot in the butt!!

Sophia - posted on 09/06/2012

193

0

40

If you feel it act on it and when something bigger happen . I dont care what she acts like she is a child . act like a mother stop being terrified.

Stacey - posted on 02/28/2010

27

16

3

Just the fact that you are concerned about how he looks at her concerns me.
It means that your subconcious has picked up on something not right.

I think you may have a very dangerous situation.

I would take my daughter and any other children out of that situation.

20 Comments

View replies by

Menky - posted on 09/04/2012

1

0

0

I totally understand your concern Brooke, I have a 16 year old step daughter with some of the same issues,it started when she was about 13, except she has gotten more promiscuous and strategic with her attempts for attention.. hey this is not as extreme she doesn't really touch as Father but she does act pretty seductive to get his attention at times? she compliments him on his outfits, constantly asking him to do little favors for her, dressing up when there's no 1 at the house but me him and her, she interrupts our conversations and she gets really bothered when me and her dad even sits closely on the couch? and this is actually and even toned down version from what it used to be like.. I ultimately assumed that because the relationship with her biological mother isn't very goid that this is probably the reason she acts this way.

Shirley - posted on 03/01/2010

42

23

4

I'd have absolutely no second thoughts with hiding my video camera and set up a time when they'll both be home, and you go to the store etc. and turn it on before you leave. or getting a baby monitor and hiding them and hear whats being said when you are in another room, or outside. ( wireless security camera for under 100$ at radio shack )

It does'nt matter what your daughter does, he shouldn't be responding in any manner, she's only 14!! He's the adult, she's the child. if he's looking or anything I'd be severly cautious ! and find answers. Even if she's initiating these situations beteen them, its his place as an adult to put a stop to it, reject her advances or flirting, if he's not being the adult between them ..I'd be worried.



You don't want to be looking back a year from now and if something was going on, know your intuition was letting of warning bells and you didn't react to it.knowing you could have prevented something.It'll be with you for life and your daughter.

Mary - posted on 02/28/2010

3

43

0

Brooke, I agree to everybody please do it as soon as possible before it's too late. And goodluck for whatever you do.

Lei - posted on 02/26/2010

38

69

5

Hi Brooke,

I agree with Angie Kissner....talk to her therapist first. Even though she lived with her father, maybe she wasn't getting that father daughter bonding that she so desperately needed. Now I am not saying keep a very close eye on the whole situation between them because it is hard to tell these days exactly what is going on. However, Brooke, you and your husband are doing something right because look at what positive changes she has made and continues to make. Go with your gut instinct. You know your husband better than anyone. Do you feel your child is in danger and if so remove the danger immediately. Otherwise, wait and see what her therapist has to say about the situation.

Malinda - posted on 02/16/2010

7

1

2

Brooke, My 13 year old was a cutter... there is a bigger issue going on here! In those 6 years... I am going to ask the same thing everyone has been asking.... was she sexually abused??? Girls don't just act the way she is acting! And she is a child if there is anything going on or going to go on, that is on your husband, as he is the adult. I think you need to study that relationship for a minute, because that should NEVER even cross your mind, darlin. If you are even thinking this is possible you need to remove her from the home. Even if she is bringing it on herself, it is your duty to protect her..... yes even from herself. But there is a larger issue here sweetie. Some where along the way some thing has happened, because she is trying like hell to not feel her real pain and also trying to fill a huge hole. Just think about it. If this Therapist is not helping you get there... you are the boss, get another one. Good Luck, honey pie!

Lynda - posted on 02/09/2010

36

30

5

i agree wholeheartedly with heather. i had to be away from my 18 yr old from the time she was 9. its only been less than 2 months since we have been living together again, and although my husband isnt checkin her out, there are alot of similar issues.i found out when she was 11 she was raped by a friends mothers bf and it added to her problems. my daughter also has histronic personality disorder (her behavior exhibits ALOT of the symptoms.

Heather - posted on 02/09/2010

29

6

3

I'm sitting here reading about this child's behavior.... lying, cutting, failing in school, acting sexually inappropriate...

Every single behavior you have mentioned is a HUGE "red flag" for sexual abuse. Is there any chance at all that your daughter has been sexually abused?

Sexual abuse destroys a young girl's sexual identity (oftentimes, before she even has one), severely distorts her self- image, and crushes her views of what is and what is not an appropriate means of getting attention. Many young girls who are abused will "latch on" to men in a desperate attempt to feel loved and cared for.

This child sounds like she needs help, and fast.

Also, I'm just going to come out and say this- if your grown husband is checking out your 14 year old daughter, that's a BIG problem. It doesn't matter if she's doing a pole dance in the living room- she's a child, and he is her stepfather.You're her mother- she needs to come first. Keep her safe, first and foremost. You understand my meaning. Best of luck to you.

Zeanne - posted on 02/03/2010

2

1

0

I would deffinetly have a SERIOUS talk with my man! If I ever thought for a second that he was looking at my daughter in a weird way he would be out!

Petra - posted on 02/03/2010

7

10

0

I do think you have something to worry about, but hopefully not "that" thing. She could have anger issues toward you, a sense of abandonment from not being there everyday for awhile. Now she is trying to hurt you. I would start with a conversation with your husband. He is the grown up, maybe he thinks you want them to be close. Maybe he is uncomfortable with her attention as well. It doesn't sound like he is seeking the attention from her. Perhaps he feels that if he pushes her away, you would become angry for not building a relationship with her? There are a million different what ifs, talk to him first. Approach it in a non-confrontational way. Like "Have you been noticing how (daughter) seems to really seek you out for attention? How do you feel about this?" See how that goes. No blame, no accusation, just questions.

Chrissi - posted on 02/03/2010

1

5

0

i dont think your crazy but maybe need to re-evaluate the situation with them and try to talk to them in a general way as to not seem that you are looking for any answers to out of the ordinary questions, like so what do you think of your step dad and make her elaporiate on the subject, your more likely to get the truth from her than him.

Jennifer - posted on 02/01/2010

1

14

0

have you talked to her counsler about what you are afraid of? That would be a good question to ask. I myself have had a background of cutting, and it needs to be addressed why she was doing it. I'm so happy to hear that she isnt doing that anymore.The cozness would bother me too, just be sharped eyed. Over all it sounds like you are doing the right things hang in there:)

Caroline - posted on 02/01/2010

1

9

0

Hello Brooke, Can i first ask why she came back to live with you? Was it problems with her dad? Do you know much about her lifestyle with her dad? ie dads girlfriends etc? It sounds to me as if she has a crush on your husband and he doesnt really know how to handle it! Maybe he is flattered etc but i honestly think you really need to sit and talk openly with your husban. Tell him that it is making you feel un-comfortable.He will probably be upset that you have approached the subject but to leave alone will only make you feel worse. He might be having difficuly in understanding about teeanage girls etc.Also if your daughter is as sexually mature as you say then i would front it out with her also!! She knows what she is doing totally. It needs to be explained that these are not normal activities and cannot continue. Her therapist should be able to help you through the process.

Brooke - posted on 01/31/2010

69

21

5

I know i am not just paranoid over this, she is showing up for attention from him..i just wonder if its because her own BIO dad has written off recently...i dont really know. BUT i will see my therapist about this. Give her a red flag. She can dig deeper into it with my daughter when its her time to see her. I tread lightly right now, just watching. TY Michelle.

MICHELLE - posted on 01/30/2010

4

30

0

Brooke, this worries me. I do not know where you stand on this isuue now, but I will keep a close watch!! I was malested as a child, starting at age 6. NEVER MY FATHER, but family friends and relatives. I am not saying this is your case. For one never make accusations, WATCH! Pretend you are sleep over a weeks time and see what is going on! After you watch, if nothing goes on, talk to your therapist and husband. Let your husband know you do not appreciate the looks and that you will kill him if you ever caught him with her!!

Brooke - posted on 01/30/2010

69

21

5

Angie~~ we both see the therapist but seperatey, i will mention it this week for sure. its starting to bother me a lot. ty

Angie - posted on 01/30/2010

2,621

0

407

Try mentioning this to her therapist and see what he/she thinks. Have you spoken to your husband about this? It sounds like there are some issues that need to be handled before a disaster occurs.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms