14 year old son... Lies, deceit, manipulation,

Frustratredmom - posted on 09/12/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hi. I have a 14 year old son who is the love of my life, he was this beautiful hearted boy who oneday just CHANGED, he was diagnosed very early with ADHD (at the age of 3) he was never a sleeping child, meaning even as an infant he would stay awake 20 hours out of 24 (where most infants sleep 12-16 hours a day) as he got older (3ish) he would be awake at 3-4-5- am and wake up 2-3 hours later refreshed like he had 8 hours, when he learned to walk HE RAN! When he learned to talk even a single 2-3 words he TALKED and has not been quiet an hour out of any waking time in his life since. I know that sounds odd but he was NEVER a "Problem" he was "Typical" in behaviors and he hasn't ever gotten into much trouble at school other than a teacher calling to say he was "Talking" (vintage my son) and he's never been suspended, he has since 5-K STRUGGLED academically and we've had tutors, he's been tested for learning disabilities and none were found, he does have an IEP based on his ADHD and the difficulty it creates with "Focus" but NOW he has NO INTEREST in learning, trying to learn, homework, He has "Stolen" food from the kitchen since he was very small.... I don't understand that as I feed him very well & often would give him what he wanted even if it were not so nutritious just to get him to eat (certainly he was manipulative some there I'm sure) but he'd continue to "Steal" food after he was "full" from the McDonald's that he had chose & ate part of. I am happily divorced and have been since my son was 5 and have had a partner since he was 7, My son wasn't anymore hurt by the divorce than you'd expect a 5 year old to be, he continued to see his dad every other weekend after, all holidays & the entire summer, he also is very connected to my partner who loves him equally. BUT my sons father has told him that HE CANT STEAL FROM HIS OWN HOUSE and my son says to me his dad's words when I find food bowls hidden in his closet, sodas, ice cream wrappers, etc... I explain to him if you take something without asking AFTER being told that you are not allowed to have it IT IS STEALING, keep in mind he is 14 now and these behaviors continue but now the "STAKES" are getting HIGHER, I found out he was doing inappropriate on his Facebook page and I took his laptop, took his phone, took the WIFI router adapter off of his desktop & deactivated his FB account. He sneaks into my bed room and STEALS back the wifi connector (days later I discover it in his room hidden) I find out he's been taking his PSvita (handheld game, WITH built in wifi) to school & getting on Facebook, so I take that as well, today I discovered that an OLD cell phone of mine is gone from my night stand that has WIFI but not service so he connects to the WIFI at school & creates new Facebook pages, YES PAGESSSS,!!! I have changed the router WIFI password but he logs into the neighbors and denies (Lies) about doing most of this, and when he admits he did it, either "Sorry" is said but clearly with attitude of NOT SORRY or he actually says "WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL MOM" I got ino one of his Facebook accounts today & discovered that he & his dad were instant messaging & he says to his dad DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS ACCOUNT OK?? his dad was well aware that I deactivated his old account and the cell phone I took from my son I mailed it back to his dad & told him that our son was not responsible with his choices and did not need the phone, he agreed but he has YET to call & make me aware that HE KNOWS OUR SON HAS A NEW FACEBOOK, (multiple accounts & emails created) and my son was TELLING HIS DAD IN A MESSAGE THAT WE WERE AT "FRIDAY FEST" ( A LOCAL STREET FOOD/MUSIC KID/ADULT FRIENDLY EVENT HERE MONTHLY) THAT WE DID INDEED GO TO FOR 1 HOUR FROM 8-9 PM AND ENDS AT 10PM, HE TOLD HIS DAD AT 2:46 AM THAT HE WAS STILL THERE PARTYING!!! DAD ASKS WHERES YOUR MOM, MY SON REPLIES RIGHT HERE!!! THAT IS NOT TRUE! I was SHOCKED! Let me say that I am 42 my x husband is 46 and neither of us are "PARTY PEOPLE" we have decent steady employment, actually I worked for social services for over 7 years dealing with troubled teens, and was actually a fairly effective worker BUT I CANT SEEM TO GET A GRIP ON MY OWN SON! He is NOT a "Street Kid" meaning I do not allow him to go to movies with friends unless myself, his dad or step dad are THERE, he's not out walking the mall without me, my thought is that first he's not old enough & second NOW I see that he's getting old enough but creating trouble for himself and I WONT allow him to go "Hang Out" if I can't even trust him to "Behave" at home, the teachers call saying he's talking & disrupting class, he's stealing from me & telling lies more often than not, his graded are already VERY POOR & we are only into week 3 of school. The "Internet" is bitter sweet for he & I both right now, he id DYING to get on line to talk to his "Girlfriend" and I am DYING to keep him off of it as that seems to be his ONLY FOCUS, it's like Facebook & the girl are addictions for him! BUT IF I WERE ABLE TO KEEP him off the internet then a lot of the things that I am aware of I would NOT KNOW at all! Example, he was talking about he & his girlfriend skipping 1st period, I made the school aware, so if he were terribly tardy or tardy OFTEN, ABSENT TO CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY as the school's automated system reports only absences daily at 6pm via the number I have listed. I was embarrassed to tell the school but found it necessary for the safety of my son (by the way he is only 80 pounds & 5' tall at 14, so he's a small guy) He also says on his instant message to his dad SEND ME MY CELL PHONE IN A WEIRD BOX, MOM DOESN'T OPEN THE PACKAGES YOU SEND ME, his dad in his defense, has NOT sent any package (AS NOW I WILL OPEN IT, he has LOST his rights to that type of PRIVACY) but his dad did NOT CONTACT ME or even say to our son NO SIR, YOU HAVE BEEN IN TROUBLE FOR BAD CHOICES & YOUR MOM SAID NO PHONE, I do not believe that his dad encourages bad behavior/choices but I don't BELIEVE his dad CONFRONTS OUR SON AS A PROPER PARENT SHOULD AND SUPPORT ANYTHING THAT IS GOING ON WITH OUR SON. Actually my son "PLAYS" all of us as BEST AS HE CAN. Since last spring it seems like my son makes up "Stories", sneaks, Lies almost daily & the more I try to "Control" it the more he does it, I have talked until I am blue in the face, explained consequences of bad grades, behaviors, how stealing HIS STUFF from me will lead him to maybe later steal something else he wants and end him up in jail. I have read on Instant messages that he at 13 had sex, he & current girlfriend are trying to "Decide" if She wants to have sex also. I DO NOT BLAME this girl for ANYTHING he is/has DONE, he is 14 and I have taught him right from wrong, he has to be accountable for HIS DECISIONS, as she does hers! First neither of them are prepared for "Sex" on ANY LEVEL, but it seems like it is bound to happen and it's out of my control, I worry about STD's, pregnancy, a girl who get's "Caught" claiming my son raped her so she's a victim and not punished as a participant. Is this happening at school?? It is the ONLY place he goes without serious adult supervision from one of his parents and that is ME 99.9% of the time. I'm so frustrated, upset, worried, and even pissed off! The "Mom" in me says it's growing teenage pains & test of boundaries, and I justify & say well he's not cursing
myself or any adults out, stealing from stores, getting into drugs, fights, sneaking out, getting suspended from school, BUT this "Nagging" worry in my heart says BUT HE HAS NO CONCERN FOR CONSEQUENCES (he just finds another route to get what he wants) HE IS TELLING LIES EVERY TIME HIS MOUTH OPENS, HE'S SNEAKING UP DURING THE NIGHT DOING I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT, TEACHERS ARE CALLING, GRADES ARE BOMBING, HE IS TELLING HIS DAD LIES AND DAD IS NEITHER BRINGING IT TO MY ATTENTION NOR MAKING ME AWARE OF AMY CONCERNS THAT HE SEES OR QUESTIONING THE EVENT THAT OUR SON IS TELLING HIM. If my son were at his dad's and he told me at 2:46am he & dad were at a street party and his dad might let him bring his girlfriend home with him, I CAN PROMISE YOU I WOULD BE IMMEDIATELY CALLING HIS DAD!!! I generally am NOT into dad'd business or his time with our son BUT IF I FEEL/FELT THEIR WAS A SERIOUS CONCERN I WOULD BE AND I MAKE NO APOLOGIES FOR THAT NOR CARE IF DAD IS UNHAPPY ABOUT MY INQUIRY, I am his mom!!!! Yes in that text about the street party he said to his dad that he may be bringing his girlfriend back to our house. My point is that I don't want to see my son as "Bad" but I also do not want to be like so many other parents who chose to put on "BLINDERS" because that's easier & they don't have to "DEAL" with anything as long as they are blind to it. I AM NOT A OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND MOM. I LOVE THIS LITTLE BOY MORE THAN ANYTHING & ANYONE ON PLANET EARTH and I'm at a loss for what to do as my FEAR is this is going to escalate into more serious issues if something is not done.... Talked, removed privileges, given scenarios so he understand completely, emailed teachers, had parent conference this week, took away some/most of the things he enjoys, tried to get him involved in sports but his grades are not going to allow it, I asked him to lets do something after school & he rejects any suggestions, after TINY window of OKAY behavior I'd give back a privilege HOPING as I would say to him I'M GIVING THIS PRIVILEGE BACK TO YOU, NOW JUST FOLLOW THE RULES, DO WHAT IS EXPECTED OF YOU AT SCHOOL AND YOU WONT LOSE YOUR THINGS/DEVICES AGAIN. This child KNOWS that I adore him BUT not to the point of NOT disciplining him, to me love without reward and discipline is likely not the correct love that a parent should demonstrate, it is a balance. Soon he will be headed out into the real world where I want him to be productive & successful and NOW is the time to receive those tools and I've been preparing him since he was tiny, telling him to be polite, respectful, honest & teaching him all of the things that I felt he would need to be a "Good Man" someday and I am certain I have FALLEN SHORT many times, their was no instruction manual that came with him at birth and we all know teenagers are NOT "Cookie Cutter" some are mild & meek, some are strong willed & spirited, some are loving & warm, some are fairly honest & some are not, some are straight A students while others barely pass if pass at all, I am open to suggestions and stories, I have done everything but "Spank" him and actually I am considering it as a last resort, it may or may not be effective, I know SOOOOOOo many are against corporal punishment and that is a personal choice, I haven't spanked my son since he was 7 or 8 but I do remember that he was being "Mouthy/disrespectful" and had been speaking like that for a few weeks off & on, with correction & discipline but oneday I had told him that enough was enough and I spanked him and I don't remember him speaking to me like that again UNTIL NOW 6-7 years later, so my point is the "Spanking" didn't Kill him or probably hurt him as much as it did me BUT it stuck in his head and was effective. His dad's solution is SEND HIM TO LIVE WITH ME, A BOY NEEDS HIS DAD, Our son DOES have a loving supportive positive male influence daily in his life (my partner for 7 years) NOT HIS DAD but a good man & I don't think his dad is the solution, what if his dad were unavailable for our son to live with? What would I do then? Just send him away ? I don't believe my son going anywhere is a solution, I'm NOT going to "QUIT" my son no matter the situation, I as a parent chose to have this child & he is my responsibility for a minimum of 4 more years period. I have seen in my time working with social services extremely talanted bright children come from some REALLY CRAPPY HOMES and I have seen some REALLY TROUBLED YOUTH COME FROM SOME REALLY AMAZING LOVING HOMES/Families. I don't know about you guys but often I beat myself up & judge myself very harshly about every parenting choice that I've ever made, feel often judged by others and embarrassed sometimes but the truth is I AM A WONDERFUL MOM, NOT WITHOUT FAULT BUT OVERALL I HAVE DONE MY VERY BEST (as well as any Other parent could have done) I STRUGGLE WITH A TEENAGER THAT I LOVE & WORRY ABOUT HIS FUTURE & I REFUSE TO BE BEAT ME UP ANYMORE OVER THE CHOICES MY SON IS MAKING, HE HAS TO ACCOUNTABLE & I HAVE TO BE HIS PARENT EVEN WHEN HE HATES ME FOR "INTERRUPTING & RUINING HIS LIFE." THE TEENAGE YEARS ARE USUALLY CHALLENGING FOR MOST OF US PARENTS, SOME BREEZE THROUGH. I HAVE A STRONG WILLED STUBBORN CHALLENGER WHO I LOVE & WANT ONLY THE BEST FOR EVEN IF HE DOESN'T WANT IT FOR HIMSELF I REMIND ME THAT HE IS ONLY 14 THAT THE FUTURE IS HIS
, TODAY IS MY TIME TO HELP DIRECT HIS FUTURE TO BE THE BEST POSSIBLE, SO IF PERHAPS YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS, WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT, STORIES OR JUST NEED A LISTENING EAR & FRIEND YOURSELF I AM HERE & WILL LISTEN, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! All of you struggling will be in my prayers & thoughts as I seek answers to my own struggles. Thank you for reading my mini book typed here! hehehe

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Renee - posted on 03/15/2014

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I know this was posted a while back...but I had the same thought when I was reading what you had explained about your son. You might want to take him for counseling. My son started out with adhd at the same age as yours and we have struggled with some similar problems over the years. We are now at 13 looking at the possibility of bipolar disorder. If this is the case it's better to find out now while they are younger than to find out when they're at college age. The struggle is much more difficult in my opinion. I hope this finds both of you doing well.

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Aileen J - posted on 09/20/2013

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Bless you I hope you and your son find peace have you considered that he might be bipolar just a thought also I think you might need to bite the bullet and sit down with his biological dad and discuss how to manage not custody change but just his dad backing up and validating your patenting decisions my own daughter is a very troubled thirteen year old so my heart goes out to you

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