15 year old daughter acts very immature, disrespectful, lazy, poor social skills LO

Cindy - posted on 05/18/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My dd is 15 and in 9 th grade this year. I noticed she changed when she entered middle school. She did not fit in with most of her old friends who's interests were boys and makeup while hers was and is still cartoons and mostly kid shows. In some ways there have been improvements but in other areas all new challenges have surfaced. I just don't know how to handle her anymore. If I tell her she is being a baby is that negative reinforcement? Here are several specific examples.

Immaturity: I carpool and have to take other kids home after school and she asks me to take her home first and then drop all the other kids off after. This is completely out if the way and she knows it but she will just repeat over and over "mom I wanna go home". I tell her no but she will repeat it over and over like 15 times. And this is in front of a bunch of the middle school boys 2 years younger than her. She doesn't even care she is embarrassing herself. When I told her if she asked one more time she would be grounded, she started clicking and unclicking her seatbelt over and over just to annoy me. Until I finally had to yell at her in front of everyone.

Disrespectful: see above! Also she pitches a fit if I am cooking something for dinner that she doesn't want to try and she wants to just eat rice. (She has terrible eating habits). So she says well mom, I guess I just won't eat then since you obviously don't care about me and woNt make me something g else. I refuse to be a short order cook. So she says she just won't eat again and it is my fault. She blames everything on everyone but herself.

She won't share at all with her siblings or myself. One day I pretended to grab a chocolate from her when we were driving and she actually bit my hand!! She is 15 not 5!

Social/peer differences: she cares nothing about her appearance. She brushes her hair but when I ask her if she wants me to blow it out or help her get out the frizz (we love in Florida" she wants nothing to do with it. She dressed sloppy most of the time when not at school. She isn't into makeup or boys which is fine but she seems so far behind her peers In this ways. She doesn't make any effort to make new friends. She is at a new school this year. She comes off as completely unapproachable and the few kids that seemed to extend out an olive branch to her, she never followed through. She makes judgements in everyone. She makes blanket statements like, everyone in her school is annoying. She makes no effort to get to know anyone. I think by her thinking everyone is a jerk or annoying it is a self defense mechanism to make her feel less self conscious about not having many friends. But she honestly has no interesting in making them.

She complains constantly. For every 15 complaints your be lucky to get one positive statement. She seems to have a hard time taking positive feedback as well. Oh and she hates any physical contact. I try to tough her arm or hug her and she flings me away like I have a disease. Up until 6th grade she lived giving hugs. There is no sexual abuse. She has never even Been alone with boy or make strangers.

She could sit in her room all day. Thankfully she has finally come out of her shell and wants to get out more on weekend with friends. She would go months without returning phone calls or texts from friends. Eventually the small group if friends she did have just stopped trying. Now she finally wants to do things and she literally only has one friend who stuck around. And her friendships seems very surface lev. I dint see her having any meaningful talks about anything of substance.

I forced her to get her learners permit after 3 months if putting it off but she refuses to try to drive. Every kid I know at 15 can't wait to start learning.

LasTly she fights with her 10 yr old sister all the time. just to rile her up. My youngest is everything my teen is not. She is into fashion. Very social. Always invited to friends house. And more mature than my 15 yr old. That has to be hard on the older one. I thought it would motivate her to grow up but it seems to make her feel better putting the younger one down

I don't know what to do. Everything I do seems wrong. I know this is very long. I thought all these specific examples might help paint a better picture.

I put her on add meds this year bc her grades have plummeted over the past two years. She has no patience to sit and study at all. They are belief some but not much.

Thanks,

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Sue - posted on 05/20/2014

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Sounds like me at 15! The only difference was that your daughter has a Mom who cares, and I didn't. My Mom was always at the bar, but at least i knew where to find her. I was always alone - didn't care about appearances, boys, phones, friends, etc. I smoked cigarettes a pack a day, played my guitar, took long walks in the cemetery. Kids at school called me a dike cuz I didn't want a boyfriend or wear makeup. I enjoyed being anywhere where no one else would be, so that I could just be me. I did nothing my friends did, and loved that about myself. I had the Principal walk out and meet me on the way to school one day, just to tell me that I was making his school look like any unhappy place because I never smiled. My response was that it really hurt me to smile. I knew the principal was trying to cheer me up - but its like I was the only one who didn't think I had something wrong with me. I hated hugging too because I never felt like I was being genuine when I hugged anyone. It was like a lie in action. I didn't want to be fake and fall into peoples expectations of me. None of my classmates did anything like I did. I didn't care. Advice: Don't expect her to be like her friends. The fact that she isn't, means she's got some brains. Say very little to her about her behavior, because she'll take everything you say wrong. Write her short notes now and then and slip them under her door. Watch movies / listen to music with her. Find out what moves her emotionally. But tell her now and then, that the road has to go both ways. And know that when she hugs you, it will be the genuine article of love. I hope everything gets better. 15 is a hard age. I know it was for me. God Bless

Desiree - posted on 07/19/2015

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My 13 year old is he same way. She was also diagnosed with ODD. Kids today do feel entitled and that is why I never give in to her demands. I send her to her room most of the time in order to avoid power struggles and arguments. She doesn't like to do much of anything I therefore stopped forcing and pressing her. I was only upsetting myself. I have put her in counseling and therapy which hasn't done much for her. She lacks social skills and motivation. Her school grades have dropped drastically due to her lack of organizational and attentive skills. I have provided her with he tools she needs to adjust. I have demonstrated these strategies to her over and over again it just doesn't seem to register. She is extremely moody, disrespectful and obnoxious. I have done all I can on my part. My parents were not nearly attentive and hands on as I am and I came out just fine. Parents need to stop feeling guilty and think that they owe something to their children. just stand by what you say and never give in. My daughter will eventually have to get with the program or she can sit her room and look at the 4 walls for the remainder of her stay in my home. I refuse to accommodate or satisfy any of her demands.

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Jocelyn Olsen - posted on 01/22/2016

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OMG this is my daughter!!! Please let me know if you have found success in any area. If so, how.

Trisia - posted on 04/06/2015

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I have a fifteen year old daughter as well who I am having some of the same problems. Her maturity level does not appear to be right. She watches cartoons like My little pony , Billy and Mandy and Sponge Bob. She say's nobody likes her but, I think it is because the girls her age are wanting to go to the mall and shop and she would rather sit home and catch frogs or draw or something else. She will not listen and clean up her room or care about her appearance. She draws all over herself to the point I am embarrassed to take her in public. She won't brush her teeth or her hair half the time. She was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD but it is totally getting frustrating when she don't care about or respect herself. I have even looked up other reasons why she is acting this way and that is why I am on here now. I even looked up Autism I don't know what to think. She is supposed to be in drivers training but until she is responsible enough I would not want her on the road driving. Some of my family and friends say it is because I coddle her to much because she is my miracle. I was not able to conceive her till age 35. Yes I have over spoiled some but I also taught her right from wrong. Sometimes I just think these days kids feel so entitled. Like we owe them everything.

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