15 year old stepdaughter HELP

Leesa - posted on 07/29/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I am writing to see if anyone has any advice for me and my husband. My 15 year old step daughter came to live with us full time 2 years ago as she doesn't have a good relationship with her bio mother and her bio mother couldn't handle her behaviour. When she first arrived she was a polite girl and we have a close relationship which makes it easier. Just recently she has turned into a monster we have taken her to the mental health unit to get assessed as she was cutting herself and is covered in scars because of it. They said she is suffering from depression which she is now on medication for but as it is still early they haven't started working yet. she is addicted to facebook etc and has a habbit of posting ALL of her personal life on it such as the fact her mother no longer wants her living with her and the abusive relationship they had. Yesterday at school she was involved in a fight as a girl said to her no wonder your mother doesn't want you!!! my daughter blew her top and layed into this girl and had to be pulled off by the teachers. I do not agree with what the girl said at all but my sd seems to bring all of it onto herself by posting everything as I have told her no one would know anything if you would just stop telling people. My sd still thinks what she did wasn't wrong she seems to be bragging about it and loves causeing trouble both at school and at home. This is her second suspention and we are at our wits ends. The concilor is saying its because of the way her mother treated her and shes had a bad life BLAH BLAH BLAH as ive told her SHE makes her own future. Her father was given up at birth and has been in over 200 homes hes been physical and sexually abused his whole childhood and he is a normal wonderful person who doesn't used his experience as an excuse which my sd loves to do. She has this thing were she wants attention and to try and make everyone feel sorry for her and we are ready to explode. While she was with bio mum she didn't want to follow her rules and now with us she doesn't like ours either. We have taken her ipad and phone from her but this is only a short fix as soon as she gets them back she will be doing the same thing. I also have 3 kids living at home and my daughter looks up to her step sister and loves her to death and I don't want her to think acting like she does is ok. My husband has a soft spot for her and she likes to wrap her around his finger which pisses me off as it does the bio mum we both agree he needs to show her some rules but he tells me he feels bad when shes upset and she knows it she knows how to turn him onto her side. Yes I feel for her as she was always the one her bio mother picked on and treated like an outcast but she needs to let it go and grow up. My 3 kids never seen their bio dad even though we live in the same town as he only ever rings to see them when he feels like it maybe twice a year if that and my kids don't use that as a reason to acted like brats. my kids have grown up with their step dad and look at him as their dad and as they have gotten older they see what hes like and im sure it hurts them too but they are very well behaved kids. All our kids are treated the same and loved so I don't know how we can make our sd see this before we end up in the mental ward please help

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Leesa - posted on 07/30/2013

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Thank you Jodi,
I agree with you totally about cutting her of the Internet for good but the problem we have is her school decided to give all the students iPads to apparently do school work on and stupid them didn't block all social media before handing them out. Also her dad gives in to her every time and she wraps him around her little finger everytime she gets her own way. Another problem we have is the dept principal at her school seems to think my sd is the best thing ever and as she is good at lieing the principal thinks she can do no wrong. The principal was going to give her 2 days suspension at school but today told her she only has to do one day and she can bring her ipad to school tommorrow even though we have taken both her ipad and phone from her for a week at the least. He bio mum agrees with me she should not have Internet at all but as every kid at school has iPads if she didn't she would just use her friends without us knowing and also when we say she can't have it she tells her dad oh I have homework to do so I need it and then gets straight on FB. When she first arrived she didn't start school for a couple months as we had to get her into school (private) so she had no Internet at all and she was a different girl. My 3 kids do not have FB and they are completely different kids they have respect for people unlike my sd who having just had a fight yesterday at school giving this other girl black eyes she is thinking its funny and did nothing wrong so like I said we are at our end with her. But yes she sees a councillor once a week and also has her medication reviewed every 2 weeks thanks again Jodi you have been helpful

Jodi - posted on 07/30/2013

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Why can you not cut her off the internet permanently? If she keeps going back to it when you give her back her iPad and phone, then why are you giving them back?

I have to say, as a teacher, I HATE FB. Just today we had girl drama purely because of things said on FB, and I just WISH their parents would remove access when this crap happens. It's just ridiculous. Children can't HANDLE social media. They do not have the social skills necessary to use it appropriately. If you can't keep her off it and she won't use the defriend option, then maybe it's time for you to take control. Some of the most balanced students I have are the ones who do not have their phones and have told me they don't do Facebook. I find that girls, in particular, are vulnerable, and yes, I have seen attempted suicides, cutting, nasty fights and failing at school all over FB posts. You really need to remove her from it altogether if she can't use it appropriately.

With regard to her mental illness, make sure she continues to get counselling. You are right, she may just be doing it for attention, but you still have a responsibility to ensure you follow through with the mental health care, even when you think she is coming good.

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