15 year old VERY disrespectful, sarcastic teen daughter - product of years of Father undermining me

Navymom - posted on 04/06/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Unfortunately, I live with a spouse who outwardly is in a high-profile profession but who is an emotional midget, comes from a family of same who do not EVER express their emotions loving or otherwise. This man, has internalized all his anger, resentment, disappointments regarding his dysfunctional family (father fell ill, he ws the only sibling who took time to care for ailing father and help his mom, his 2 brothers never even came to visit the mother when the father passed away. I had a hard time explaining that to my kids. Very sad and very weird.
My teen daughter is extremely disrespectful towards me 24/7, no matter what I do. She grunts when I walk into the room to greet her, barely says a word when I ask her about her day, school, sports. She is extremely sarcastic...sometimes parroting the exact same phrases she has heard her father say towards me. She is very intelligent, gifted, distinguished honors but not nice at home. My husband spoils her and tells her that I am a mean person, he bad mouths me and tries to be like the white knight. Tells me in front of kids, that I need to "change". Heck, I'm going to therapy because I feel outnumbered in the house. My husband undermines my authority, kids think I'm the bad cop all the time. Now my daughter even made fun of me going to Catholic church (even though our entire family is Catholic, all our kids have attended Catholic school and we are practicing Catholics), because i asked her to take out the garbage after dinner. Her father refuses to correct her or in any way punish her bad behavior as long as it is directed at me. He does it on purpose to undermine me and to make me look bad in their eyes. Shame on HIM...he is the one who seriously has damaged our kids. HE NEEDS THERAPY.

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Jodi - posted on 04/06/2013

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I understand it is difficult, but it doesn't sound like he is going to acknowledge his weakness, If he is going to humiliate you in front of the children, even so far as to ENCOURAGE their behaviour, and continue to treat you in a respectful manner, unfortunately you can't force him to change. This doesn't sound like a recent thing. It sounds to me like you both need counselling, because this is a very dysfunctional relationship. You aren't doing your children any favours. Your daughter clearly believes it is okay to treat you like this, and clearly believes it is okay for dad to do so....do you think, maybe, she is of the opinion that this is how relationships work? That one day she may be in an equally abusive situation (and that's what this is) and will accept it for what it is? Is that what you want for her?

I think it is time for you to come to terms with the fact that your husband is being abusive, and then you need to come to the realisation that this is totally unacceptable. Time to offer him some choices. Talk to your therapist about it, but one of those choices is not to accept this crap from him, EVER.

Navymom - posted on 04/06/2013

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Don't think I'm in a place to answer that question, have thought of it myself. However, it's easier said than done. I would rather see him acknowledge his weaknesses and do something about it so we can get back to being a healthy family. I too am a professional and recently went back to my career after more than a decade staying at home full-time with the kids and LOVING it! Now, he sees them way more than me and he takes advantage of it..to my detriment. Never thought it would be this way.

Jodi - posted on 04/06/2013

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Why are you still with this man? Sorry, but he has no right to treat you like that, but by staying with him, you are showing your daughter that you aren't worthy and the way he speaks about you and to you is acceptable.

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