16 year old daughter

User - posted on 11/28/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I need advice, I am at a loss on how to handle this situation the correct way. My 16 year old daughter has a boyfriend that she has been dating for a year now. They fight off and on and break up then she cries and becomes hysterical if I do not let her go outside to talk to him when he drives over here to talk to her. She gets mad at me and says she does not want to tell me why and just keeps begging to let her go outside to talk to him. I am so tired of her whole life revolving around this boy. I tell her I was 16, I did the same thing, I regret it so much and wish I could go back to get those two years back of my childhood as a teen to hang with friends and have fun. She will not listen. How do I handle this the right way? I had to tell her to stop getting angry with me and begging because I said no. I told her I love her, this is hard for me to see her this way and I am tired of seeing her sad and cry or making this boy her entire life at the age of 16. She will not go get a job because she wants to be with him and not work. I think from what I hear her saying on the phone she broke up with him for reasons that she will not say but he is making her feel bad and cry so she goes back out with him. He is controlling and talks down to her as well. I do not get it. :(

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Barbj - posted on 11/29/2014

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Christina, I know just how you're feeling. Our daughter met a sweet boy just before she turned 14. They dated for a year and I can't even tell you how sweet they were together. They broke up over the summer and to say she was devastated is a huge understatement. She cried for three months straight, then just as she was beginning to move forward, he decided he had made a mistake. Needless to say, he contacted her and they started dating again. It lasted 7 months, until she realized that he was not the same boy she had met as a middle schooler, and although she wanted to go back to the sweetness they had showed each other before the breakup, he just wasn't there anymore. I think the hardest thing I've been through in my life is sitting by and watching her in so much pain. I spent the summer giving advice, reading her texts, and constantly trying to talk to her about her feelings. I truly thought I was being a supportive mom, but now I can see that I needed to let her come to me when and if she needed me. After the second breakup, I handled it so differently. I didn't bring it up, and only commented if she talked to me about it. I learned that she didn't want advice, she just wanted to know I understood how she felt. I became a pro at saying "I can understand how that would make you feel", and it did wonders! People will tell you that these situations will help our girls become stronger, and it does. Our daughter had her heart broken, she was with the same boy for almost two years, and she was absolutely crazy about him. Although it was incredibly hard, she moved forward, kept her chin up, and is now in a great place. She has definitely gained personal strength and I'm confident your daughter will too. I know it isn't easy, but try to have faith that your daughter will make the right decision. Reassure her that you love her, have faith in her and that you're there if she wants to talk. As for the job, maybe you could tell her she either has to get a job or volunteer a couple nights a week. It sounds like she knows it's not a healthy situation, and it's just a matter of time before it's over. Keep in mind you, me, my daughter and countess before and after us have been in the same situation as your daughter and we not only survived it, we learned from it, too:)

Today God Is First - posted on 11/28/2014

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yeah, he is treating her badly and making her act her out. I have a 21 year old daughter and I always taught her to have respect for herself and to be the boss and not let men play with her mind like that. These guys do this manipulating because they know the game already. He knows she dies over him and he is taking advantage of that. I always showed my daughter with examples. I would go to you tube or watch a movie with her show her something similar to what she had done wrong and then she would come and say. Wow, that is so wrong. Then later I would tell her that what she saw in that video/movie is how she acts. I did it in a sneaky way. I might have overdone it because now I think she is a feminist, but she has her boyfriend on check, she laid it down to him and remained firm. I also spoke to him when they started dating last year and I told him that she is a young lady from her home and if they go out she has to be home no later than 11. Mind you she is 20 and I dont care she knows the rule and she may be the ruler with her boyfriend but in my house you do what I say, no ifs, ands or but, until the day you leave this house married (Yeah I am super old fashioned, but I had to because this is what works) Also search for articles about men who manipulate to keep them on their tipy toes and let her read about similar stories. look for them on the internet. She should not be with this guy and reading about this type of unhealthy relationships is the first thing she should know about and run away from as soon as she sees it happen. It will take some time for her to get over him, but she will be fine. You can even show her this post if you think she wont get mad you posted. Good Luck and let me know how it went.

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