17 y.o. daughter moved in with boyfriend's parents - no warning

Lori - posted on 06/07/2013 ( 9 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 17. She graduated HS on a Fri, we had a big party for her on Sun, she asked us to order a "dorm set" (sheets, comforter, etc.) on Mon, and moved out Thur. We had what I thought was a good relationship. She talked to me about sex (I took her to get on birth control last fall when she & her boyfriend decided they were "ready"), friends, etc.She used to call several times a day. The day she left, she called me 3x, the last time to tell me that she & her boyfriend were going to a movie. We got a call at 7:30 that night - she said she couldn't talk to us without witnesses. Long story short - I went to their house to talk to her (her dad & I thought she might be more willing to talk to me if it were something like a pregnancy) & they called the Sheriff claiming she was "terrified" of me & her dad & accused us of abuse. The boyfriend's mom video'd me like I was going to do something. Thankfully, the deputy who came knew both me & my daughter. She finally agreed to come out of the house & talk to me - as long as the deputy was there to "witness". I asked her what we did, why she was accusing us of abuse. She said we asked her to do chores & pushed her to get a summer job. Um, yeah. We did both of those things. The deputy just shook his head. She said she was moving out, that she is an adult & no longer has to do what we say. She is not going to college (turning down $48,000 in scholarships). It just kills me - we've always tried to support her in whatever she wanted. She has never been late for curfew. We didn't have issues with her boyfriend (in fact, we like him & have even taken him on weekend trips w/ us). We've never had screaming matches. Never had slamming doors. I was totally blindsided by this. I've gone from what I thought was a good relationship, and talking to her several times a day to nothing. My biggest fear is that his parents see her as a meal ticket (she has a nice car & has a settlement coming when she turns 18 in 2 wks from the medical problems she had at birth). So . . . should I try to call her occasionally? Should I pack up the stuff in her room so there is not a constant reminder? Anyone else dealing with a sudden leaving with no warning?

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Marissa - posted on 06/07/2013

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My 17yr old step daughter moved out last month because she didnt like rules. we have had issues but nothing other then typical arguments over teenage attitude. its hard regardless of the reason BUT this is how i handled it. I didnt let her take anything but her clothes- i told her if you think you can do it better then go ahead- BY LAW in my state we cant force her to come home- so other then that there is nothing else i could say or do TOUGH LOVE.... In your case ( her car ) dont know who that belongs to BUT if its in your name, you bought it for her, OR provide the insurance I would be taking that from her- the problem with (KIDS) now a days is they have little respect for those who have given them everything they have- she needs to maybe see that she doesnt have it all figured out - ler her BF parents support her for a while they will get tired of it- as far as the settlement, how is it going to her? if she had medical issues as a baby or child i would imagine that you and your husband took care of her and should be the ones being reimbursed.... I dont know all the details but i would speak with a lawyer and see if there is anything you can do while she is still a MINOR.

OH write her a letter. dont scold her or talk to her in the letter, just ask her questions.
IF YOU DONT GO TO COLLEGE WHAT WILL YOU DO IN THE FUTURE TO ENSURE YOU CAN LIVE A GOOD LIFE WITHOUT STRUGGLING?
WHAT WILL YOU DO WHEN IT DOESNT WORK OUT BETWEEN YOU AND BF?
HOW WILL YOU AFFORD A NICE HOUSE ON MINIMUM WAGE WITH NO COLLEGE DEGREE?
WILL YOU LIVE WITH YOUR BF PARENTS FOREVER?
Make her think about the choices she is making, because obviously right now she isnt doing much thinking esp letting all her scholarships go. thats just stupid

Margaret - posted on 06/20/2013

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I should offer some perspective from another angle. I am the mom of a boy, whose girlfriend moved in with us nearly a year ago after "alleged" abuse in her home.
I'll wager though that our respective situations similarity ends there.
For us there were accusations and denials back and forth, legal charges (and an astounding number of lawyers) and criminal charges narrowly avoided.
More recently there's been something of a reconciliation between the girl and her mother even though the girl has now been able to declare herself emancipated.
I do hope that after some measure of independence your daughter will perhaps come around to a closer relationship with you.

Lori - posted on 06/12/2013

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Unfortunately, in Missouri, she can leave home at 17. And at 18 she is considered an "adult" - and she'll be 18 in less than 2 weeks.

We don't abuse her. In fact, I asked her what we had done to her that she considered abuse, in front of the deputy who was called out that night. Her reply: you make me do chores and you pushed me to get a job. The deputy just shook his head and walked away. Thank goodness - I could not BELIEVE she was accusing us of abuse! She hadn't even been grounded in years and years (no reason to - she was always home early, never drank or did drugs, was very open about her relationship w/ her boyfriend, asked to go on the pill when they decided they were "ready", told me about friends she was worried about who were drinking & stuff).

I told her we'd give her a month and then would cancel the car insurance. Figured that was plenty of time for her to get it done. Told her we'd keep her on our insurance as long as possible (thanks to Obamacare, we can keep her on until 26, as long as she doesn't get married). She has health issues (has had heart surgery & several brain surgeries), so I'll keep paying insurance as long as I can.

This whole thing breaks my heart. I thought we were close, but she has totally shut us out of her life. I texted her a couple of days ago b/c my parents offered to give her a swivel rocker that they have - I asked when she thought she might get an apt. She told me she's going to stay where she is (w/ her boyfriend's parents) for at least a year/year and a half. It's like I never knew her at all. I expected some sort of teenage rebellion at some point, but never expected anything like this.

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Lori - posted on 06/20/2013

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Thank you for your perspective, Margaret. It sounds as though our respective situations differ, even though the basis is the same. Our daughter is now communicating a bit with us, though we haven't seen her in over three weeks. She will be 18 this weekend, and we are meeting for breakfast tomorrow. Progress, bit by bit.

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Really? I didn't know that. At least she didn't make something up that was actual abuse. And health insurance covers up until you're 26 unless you go to college, regardless if you move out.

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Report her as a runaway and say that she isn't 18 so they legally have to make her come home. If there is no evidence (assuming you don't abuse her) she has to come home. Unless you don't want her home If you're paying for anything at all, stop. She doesn't deserve it.

Enna - posted on 06/10/2013

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Well, I hate to say it, but I think you're just going to have to leave her alone. She's acting strange, and she's not going to listen to you right now. I agree that if the car is yours you need to take it from her. If you have car insurance on her, cancel it. Also, if she's not living with you or going to college, then your health insurance won't cover her anymore (and I wouldn't try to get around it because that's fraud and you will be dropped from your insurance, if not taken to court.)

I would let her know exactly what you're doing any why, so she knows she doesn't have car insurance, etc. I would also inform her of what she can do to get it back.

Packing up her room might be a real shocker if at some point she comes back to your house for a visit or something.

Lori - posted on 06/07/2013

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Thx for the comment, Marissa. And I'm sorry you're dealing with a similar situation. In our state we cannot force our daughter to come home. We've let her take clothes (I packed some up for her) and her laptop. Told her she can keep her phone (got over a year to go on the contract, plus I want a way for her to keep in touch). Let her take her car. It's hers, a gift from my parents, but my name is on it too. I plan to sign it over to her when she turns 18. And have told her that she'll have to get her own car insurance. As far as the settlement goes, it goes to her, for educational and medical expenses.

She called today. Said she is going to cosmetology school - a 14 month program. At least she's planning to do something. She & her BF are looking for a house to rent. I guess it will all work out. It just kills me that it happened so suddenly, and with no warning. Eventually, I'd really like to sit down and ask her WHY - why she left without warning (she didn't even pack her BC pills or clothes, so I don't think it was planned at all), and why she chooses to live with people that called the Sheriff on me, and why she accused us of abuse.

Thanks for listening - and sharing. Hope things improve for you.

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