17 yr. old daughter dating 21 yr.old boy.

Angie - posted on 04/11/2010 ( 23 moms have responded )

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My 17 yr. old daughter is dating a 21 yr. old boy. And her father (my ex) is acting like a mad man. She will be 18 in 2 1/2 months and graduating high school. I know the boy and he is a really good kid and thinks the world of my daughter. We all work at the same place and they were friends long before they started dating. They both have good heads on their shoulders. They will go out and do things together but for the most part they hang out at my house with me and my 14 yr. old (he lives on his own.) They both have told me that they are not having sex....cause i ask.... because they aren't there yet in their relationship. I don't have a problem with them dating and in our state they aren't braking any laws. The age of consent is 17. and like is aid they are both good kids. My problem is with her father... He won't even give the boy a chance. He started making threats against him before he ever met him. When he did finally meet him he told him if he didn't stay away from her he would make his life a living hell. My daughter no longer will have anything to do with her father. When I tried to talk to him he went crazy and told me what a terrible mother I am and is making threats against all of us. He has always been a control freak and now that he can't control her I'm afraid he may do something crazy. He is putting our 14 yr.old in the middle, and she is about ready to tell him where to get off. I just want to protect the kids and I'll get my attorney involved if I have to.

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Patricia - posted on 04/14/2010

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Hi Angie,
My name is Patricia and I am in the same situation except my daughter is 17 and he is 23.My daughter wanted to move out this past weekend and move to her boyfriends because she said she wanted to be around him all the time.My husband had a fit,said he was going to kill him and all that garbage.I finally got him calmed a little and told him "you don't even know him".I told both if them why don't we meet him and see what he's like and go from there.I convinced my daughter that she should wait till she is at least 18 before she jumps to something she's really not sure of.She cried for a couple of hours and then she said to me "mommie you are right"So we got that part settled and I am not real sure where it will go.
I don't see anything wrong with what your daughter is doing and as long as you trust them tell your ex to butt out.If he doesn't leave her alone it is only going to make it worse.

Susan - posted on 04/02/2011

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I was 17 and my husband was 24 when we started dating. He had to convince my parents that his intentions were honorable. I had just graduated from high school and he was in his third year of law school. So, what could we possibly have in common? The answer is everything -- philosophy, literature, old movies, music... etc.

There is no easy answer to this one.

Lindsay - posted on 04/14/2010

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I think a 17 year old with a 21 year old is a bad idea. It may not seem like a lot of years, but they are in different life-stages. I was 17 and got pregnant by a 21 year old. The only thing I can say, though is that the more you push your child that you don't want her to be with her boyfriend, the more she's going to resist and run to him. As for turning 18, yes that is the age of legal emancipation, but will she still be financially dependent on you? If so, then you still get some say in her life. Good luck, it is a tough situation. My parents did the best they could with me, and I still ended up a teen mom.

Annette - posted on 04/09/2011

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if it were my daughter... he would go straight to jail he wouldnt pass go and he wouldnt collect 200 dollars

Melanie - posted on 04/14/2010

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I´m in almost the same situation.My 17 yr (going to be 18 in Oct.) old daughter is dating her boyfriend which turned 20 last month.They have been together ever since she turned 15.Most of the time the be here in my house and we talk alot about the future,their problems and i do know that they have sex.But thats ok for me since i know that they only have protected sex.Both of them dont want to have a baby yet.They have bigger plans for the future.They just went on vacation by therselfs to visit my sister which lives in the United States.Both of them are very mature and not as childish as other young folks their age.
I think its nothing wrong with you leting your daughter date her boyfriend.You know him prpbably better than your ex husband.The more he tries to seperate them,the closer they are gonna get...just to prove him something to him.If he doesnt want to lose his daughter and her trust in him,he should sit down and talk to them and accept their point of view also.Your ex need to realize that your daughter is not a kid anymore...pretty soon she will be an adult and go her own ways
I hope my english is not to bad,but i come from germany

23 Comments

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Beatriz - posted on 04/01/2016

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People that react like you have more things to hide than everyone else. This is a young man who's got just as much feelings as the this girl. Respect is important. They both deserve it!

Beatriz - posted on 04/01/2016

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At 21 most boys who have been sheltered and pampered are still kids. Your husband must have something to hide from his past that he's afraid of. Tell him he should look at himself in the mirror and be the one to throw the first rock. This is someone's child as well and most likely loved to pieces by his parents and family. Tell your husband to stop being selfish. If he knows you raised a good girl with values and morals there's nothing to be angry about. We "The mothers of boys are sick and tired of guys like your husband thinking because our boys are older they're sick or something. Wish you the best but feel for you because my husband and I would never react that way if we knew the kid!!!

Kelli - posted on 04/07/2011

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i was 15 wen i started dating my bf who was 19 at the time. now im 16 and hes almost 21 and we have a 2 month old daughter. her father sounds like a freak. i blieve them wen they say they arent having sex. not all guys r the same and some just arent interested in girls there age, theres nothing wrong with that

Aliska - posted on 04/14/2010

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I think the age difference is fine. Girls are so much more mature than boys, in general so they need an older boyfriend so they match emotionally and intellectually. When I was 17 - 18 boys the same age bored me to tears. It's not like a boy her own age couldn't get her pregnant, influence to take drugs etc. I would seek legal/police advice over the threats from your ex, they sound like a bit more than just a dad coming to terms with his little girl growing up. Good luck!

Lynda - posted on 04/13/2010

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trust your instincts on this one, on everything, sometimes its better to trust their choice or not but its definatley better to know him and have your child still talking to you, if she is talking and trusts you not to overreact then you know she will probably come to you in the future about other things in her life good or bad. most kids like men will rebel wen they think their not in control of a situation. let her feel like she is, in the relationship with your blessing but should talk to you wen her relationship goes to the next level, etc make her feel she can confide in you. talk to her about how sex will change their relationship for her and him, be sure they are ready.. if you try to stop it chances are they will wen they are ready anyway.you are on the right track.. and aLWAYS ask the hard questions. reasures them that you are interested in their life. the 14year old will make a choice that feels right for her even if it is only short term. she still a kid making decisions based on her "at the moment" emotions. just reassure her you will support her and let her talk about her feeling. your husband will loose maybe even everything for the long term if he doesnt take a step bak and trust his daughter. godd luck stay styrong.

Angie - posted on 04/13/2010

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The thing is, my daughter has always been a good student, been very busy with school activities and works. She has never been in any trouble....an all around good kid. The boy ( really at 21 they are still boys) she is seeing now is a good kid also. I do know this because he works at the same place that her and I do. They do speed most of their time together at my house. Her father is crazy. He has never liked any of her friends( who are pretty good kids too.) The last boy that she dated was a jerk and acted just like her dad ( jealous, and controlling) and that is why she broke up with him. Her dad didn't like him til she broke up with him. The thing is He didn't even give this boy a chance. I wasn't crazy about it at first, but once I got to know him I felt better about it.
My ex has a daughter from his first marriage that he doesn't talk to or hasn't seen in 6 years because he couldn't control her once she turned 17. He now has 2 grandchildren that he hasn't ever seen. It's not the kids that are the problem...it's him. I could write a book on all the things he has done over the years. And as far as them having sex.... if they are there's really not much I could do about it. If that is what they want to they will find a way. ( really could our parents have stopped us?) So when they tell me their not I believe them. And as far as counseling... the ex would never do that. We tried that before we split and when the counselor pointed out his faults is when he stopped going. ( he doesn't think anything he does is wrong) I do want to thank everyone for their thoughts.

Michelle - posted on 04/13/2010

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hi,boy your daughter sounds like the way i was when i was at that age,my partner was also around that age and i was 17,my dad carried on the same way but wasn,t controlling. he has pushed your daughter to far she sounds like she has a good shoulder on her head,your daughter is old enough to make up her own mind,i don,t blame her for not speaking with her dad,and you are not a terrible mother,you should seek help here about the threats your husband is making.your husband should realize that he was young once;and as far as your 14 yr old goes it has nothing to do with her. let your daughter know that you are ther for her and support the decission she is making,your husband needs to grow up,im now 42 and my partner just turned 47 not so long ago,we have 7 children and still love each other even more than we did when i was17,your husband should be supporting her not pushing her and the rest of you away as he is doing,he does not own her or you,if your husband refuses to deal with this i agree with you to get some sort of advice,also don,t have a screaming match in front of your youngest tell your husband if he is not going to talk calmly you are not going to listen,and go for a walk.show him that you are not going to put up with his abuse as that is what he is doing.good luck. michelle

Louise - posted on 04/13/2010

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Well I have a different angle here. I started dating my husband when I was 15 and he was 18 and we have been married 20 years this june. If this guy is respectiong your daughter and she is happy what has it got to do with her father. She will be 18 in a couple of months and is old enough to go off and get married and live her life as an individual. She could be dating some right scumbag who treats her badly but is her own age would this make her father any happier. If you trust this man and you can obviously see that your daughter is happy then help her fight her father by keeping him away or you will lose your daughter forever. Believe me I would of left the family home for my fella even as young as I was. You are not a terrible mother just one that can see that this is not a bad situation for your daughter and you know when to step in. If they are not having sex I really can't see what the problem is. But I find it hard to believe that there relationship will stay non physical for long as relationships evolve very quickly when your young. Give her the chat!!!!

Mary - posted on 04/13/2010

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I feel that there close in age just a few years. How many couples do you know that are a few years age difference.. MANY!!! The young lady will soon be 18 anyway. Have you considered that your ex-husband is just having a hard time letting go.. I mean Dad has been the only man in her life all these years and here comes this strange young Man taking away his daughterI.. It's part of grief..almost like a loss to him..You want the best for him and right now perhaps he is just struggling with the loss of his daughter to someone else and that she's grown up and is just having some issues that he must work through himself.

I truly wish you the best on this situation..

Tam - posted on 04/12/2010

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My oldest biological daughter learned the hard way that the older guy was immature ..of course why else would he be hanging with teenagers when he could be at tthe bar. I agree with the dad about this if its no big deal why couldnt the man wait two and and half months..I know someone who was 17 with a 21 year old man and her daddy was right and acted psycho cause her guardians allowed it and at her commencement she had a prego belly hanging out.. guess her daddy should just be glad she graduated. No they dont speak to this day because of all the events. Her dad wrote her off for making poor choices like texting him "sperm doner" and saying she was never gonna let him see his grandkid.. Fathers are not equipped with a manual for daughters especially not emotionally. I think dads get the bad rap; they really do care or they would not act crazy like that. Dads dont want their daughter with a piece of crap, and most of the time the father is right about a mans intentions with his daughter.

Jane - posted on 04/12/2010

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OK, so she's almost 18 (in 2-1/2 months) so I think it's fair to say an 18 year old girl dating a 21 year old guy. I don't think there is anything wrong with that as long as he's a good guy. Someone said that a guy that age shouldn't have anything in common with a girl her age but honestly, biologically, because boys mature at a much slower rate (and yes, he may be 21 but he's still maturing), they are probably emotionally and maturity wise, on the same level. I think her father is being an ass, quite frankly. BUT, here's the thing...in 2-1/2 months, your daughter will be free to make her own choices. And based on what you are saying, she's chosen a nice guy. Once she's 18, her father can't do or say anything about it. Unfortunately, he's going to ruin, if he hasn't already, his relationship with his daughter(s) and that's very sad.

Does he have any friends that you can talk to that could talk to him and calm him down? An attorney is not a bad idea but remember, your daughter will be 18 in a couple of months and at that point, he can't do anything so an attorney wouldn't buy you much unless you're looking to also help with your 14 year old.

I feel for you...it's got to be very hard to deal with an ex who is obviously not looking at things in a logical manner.

Tracey - posted on 04/12/2010

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You said your daughter will be 18 soon. After that you or her father probably won't have much say in it. I probably wouldn't like it but then again every situation is different and I can't judge you or the father since obviously I'm not in your shoes. He may be everything you say and the relationship could be wonderful. I'm wondering about your ex's reaction. Like someone else said, does he know something about your daughter's boyfriend or was he just thinking about how he was at 21. But what can you actually do? You can forbid your daughter from seeing this boy and at 18 she does it anyway or just sneaks off to see him. If they are with you as often as you say maybe that's the best solution. You can keep a close eye on the situation.

Tracy - posted on 04/12/2010

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Well, I missed the fact that your daughter's father is your ex. Sorry about that. No point in having counseling with just you, but perhaps counseling with you, your daughter and your ex (as a co-parent) would be helpful.

Diana - posted on 04/12/2010

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Ok, I should have read all the way through, sorry. I don't agree with what dad did or the extent of it. But I do agree with Angie on how dad should have handled his feelings about it.

But, still, I would not let my 17 year old date a 21 year old. And, don't let them fool you-they are having sex. I find it hard to believe they wouldn't be.

Tracy - posted on 04/12/2010

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I'm wondering if your husband knows something about this boy that you don't. It seems with the interaction you've had with the young man that he is a decent guy (though I'd like to know why he isn't interested in girls his own age), but perhaps your husband's interactions with the boy have been different than the ones you've had. If your husband is just being a "control freak" and has made threats against the boy, I'd say you better warn the boy's parents so they can help him get a restraining order against your husband. I'm guessing that a TRO won't stop your husband if he's bent on hurting the boy, but maybe it would "wake him up" to see how "crazy" he's acting. If you feel that your own lives are in danger, you may need to ask your husband to move out and get counseling, and also get a TRO against him. THe other option would be to see if your husband would be willing to go to counseling with you about this situation. Perhaps a 3rd party could help keep him calm enough to really talk about what is bothering him with this guy. I have to say that a 17 year old daughter dating a guy that is 21 is a bit scary, and maybe a little weird. But you are doing the right thing by keeping them at home with you and staying in their business! Ask LOTS of questions, and don't be too trusting. I pray that all will work out with your husband!

Marie - posted on 04/12/2010

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hi angie my 21 year old fell in love with a man 11 yrs older she is now 27 married for almost 2 yrs have beautiful baby 4 weeks old you have 2 trust them xx

Angie - posted on 04/11/2010

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Honestly, I wouldn't let my 17 year old daughter date a 21 year old man (not boy). A mature 21 year old should have nothing in common with a 17 year old - no matter how mature she might be. However, I was 18 1/2 and my husband was barely 21 when we started dating. I agree that her father went off the deep end. It might have been more productive if he would have sat down calmly with all of you and explained that he does not condone or approve of the relationship. Then it would have been up to you and him to come up with a compromise. As long as you have told her that you don't agree with her father, there's not much that can be done, unfortunately.

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