18 year old son's Girlfriend refusing birth control

Melania - posted on 04/20/2015 ( 26 moms have responded )

26

0

3

My son is about to graduate high school and he has been dating his gf for about a year now. I have always preached safe sex to him and I make sure he's supplied with condoms. I don't approve however I'm not dumb enough to turn the other way. I mentioned to his gf last week about going on some sort of birth control and to find an OBGYN (since she's sexually active she should be getting exams once a year). She never responded to me but she did feel the need to tell my 15 year old daughter that i was being "too pushy" and if "it's God's will" for her to get pregnant that she will and I don't have to claim it if she does......I am beside myself. I have raised my son better than to get tangled up with someone like her. She wasn't raised with the same morals as I've raised my kids. I know that I can't forbid him to see her and I don't want to. He's old enough to make that decision. I just want to know if any other moms have been in the same boat as me, and if so how did you survive it? She is very manipulative, she tells me things like "I don't have a mom to tell me things so I have to ask you" (her mom in jail)...then she pretty much slaps me in the face with this......help!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Trisha - posted on 04/21/2015

551

0

13

You have a right to your opinions, and a right to state them. I just thing that you seem to do both of those things in a matter that is meant to be specifically hurtful and on the attack to them. It isn't constructive in any way. I am not saying you have to support everything people say... feel free to disagree...but maybe frame your comments in a way that isn't so cruel.

That being said, I know you won't change and it is pointless to say this in the first place... it is just sad to see this repetitive behavior constantly.

Raye - posted on 04/22/2015

3,770

0

23

If the girl started the conversation, then you were not wrong to offer your suggestions. But if it is her religious beliefs not to use birth control, then not much you can do there. I have a friend (49 y/o) who still does not believe in BC because he's Catholic. He has never and will never use condoms. He's been married for 27 years or something like that, and they have two kids together. His wife is Protestant, and she does believe in BC, so it has been her responsibility to use a BC method that works for her, and he is okay with that because she is not acting against HER beliefs and not making him do anything against his beliefs. So, if your boy is responsible, then it can still work out without any "accidents". And yes, while he is living in your home, he should live by your rules. However, as an adult, those rules may need some adjustment. but that's your choice.

And, as far as Shawnn's comments... she can be blunt, but I have found I usually agree with the overall point she tries to make. There is a certain anonymity that goes with posting to a site like this that allows people to be a bit more honest than they might be face-to-face. So you may not like what she has to say. But it's one anonymous person's opinion and you can take it or leave it.

Trisha - posted on 04/21/2015

551

0

13

Shawn, honestly...these women are right. You hammer down on people in the worst way. If you post ANYTHING...I never expect it to be remotely supportive. Seems you only comment on things you want to be bitchy about.

Melania - posted on 04/21/2015

26

0

3

Finally some supportive moms!! Thank you bc I have been criticizing myself bc of her post. It's so hard to be so emotional about something that I know I can't control. I just want the best for him. Thank you all.

Valeria - posted on 04/21/2015

59

0

6

Shawn, you are so rude to everybody, why are you in this mom site? It seems to me you just like to put people down with your comments. People come here for help and advice not to be judged or criticized. You seem to be very good at telling off everybody and how everybody does things wrong.
anyways Melania, As a parent I think it is your duty as a mom to always seek whats best for your children REGARDLESS if they are legal adults, and I don't think you telling your sons girlfriend to use birth control is wrong or "pushy" you are a mother, even if your kids are 18, 25, 30, damn 40 years old you will always want the best for them. If they choose to listen to you that's on them, they will make their own mistakes and its up to us parents to always talk to them to prepare them incase they do fall down. If your son is with this girl and not using protection all you can do as a mother is talk to him without criticizing or judging or fighting. He will choose to listen or not. And as for his girlfriend I don't see any wrong in you talking to her as well. I would have loved to have my boyfriends mother trust me and talk to me as a woman, something that is uncomfortable to talk to with your own mother. Its not rude nor is it pushy. Just know that he is only 18, he may be considered a legal adult, but in reality nobody is an adult at 18, no one is fully mature or know everything at 18. PLEASE.

26 Comments

View replies by

Juanita - posted on 08/10/2016

2

0

0

Shawn..you are being rude..she is asking for advice..I would tell her the very same to get on birth control cause it's hard being a young parent and maybe single..on welfare and struggling alone if the man decide to leave.

Juanita - posted on 08/10/2016

2

0

0

Melania Borders I'm with you completely. .my son is 18 and have just started dating a 20yr old for about a month now..I found out by accident that they are having sex..i have always thought him to use condoms..but she isn't using anything..he will be starting college in August and has a job that pays 9 bucks..not enough to take care of his own needs let alone a gf and a baby..but this is his first so they are going like rabbits..I know he is an adult but he can't see the hardship of having kids at a young age. .she still lives at home with young parents..so I feel like that won't care since they went through it so young. .I don't know what to do. .can't ground him or spank him like when he was 5..and don't want to push him away and out of the house.

Jodi - posted on 04/22/2015

3,562

36

3907

Your OP comes across as if YOU were the one who started the conversation, which I don't think is your place. So unless she raised the issue of birth control, it wasn't really appropriate for you to mention it.

I also am wondering why it is her job to provide birth control and not your son's? Your OP has come across as if it is selfish of her not to be on birth control, when in fact birth control isn't just the responsibility of the woman in the relationship. Let's face it, if you think she is such a manipulative bitch, would you really trust HER with the birth control? It's probably better that she isn't on it and is relying on your son's use of condoms.

And just because she doesn't want to be on birth control, or is having sex with your son, doesn't mean her morals are loose.

I think you need to be really careful how you talk about and think about this girl. If you put her offside, you may not only lose any respect she has for you, but you may also lose your son.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/22/2015

13,264

21

2015

Thanks,Raye... :-)

I will not put anything online I would not say straight to your face, though :-) I don't believe in hiding behind a keyboard.

Melania - posted on 04/21/2015

26

0

3

Sarah, I agree with you 100% and he is a such a good young man. We've done very good raising a well mannered, hard working (part time) good student. His maturity level isn't there yet but he's getting there. He goes by our rules and keeps me.posted aa to his where abouts, I just worry about him. I worry about her as well and it's hard to keep that boundary line bc she does seek so much attention and advice from me. the convo also consisted of me encouraging her to get enrolled in college (she graduated last year) she got her transcripts and applied this week ao.it's good to know she's at least listening. Thank you for your encouraging words!

Melania - posted on 04/21/2015

26

0

3

Thank you Trisha bc that's how she made me feel
Shawnn, Noone os attacking you, I am suggesting that maybe you could be supportive instead of judgemental and self righteous however sometimes life is easier on some women than it is in others so maybe that's where yiu get this attitude from. God forbid the day you need support instead of blunt and to the point. I say this in the nicest way but it was hurtful.

Anyway, thank you other moms for being supportive! STephany I felt like i was reading my own writing when I read ur post :-) ! Thanks ladies!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/21/2015

13,264

21

2015

Actually, Trish, I comment on quite alot, TYVM, and have been nothing but supportive. However, I'm also realistic.

As my profile states: I'M BLUNT AND TO THE POINT. If one does not appreciate that, no one is forced to read responses. Stop attacking.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/21/2015

13,264

21

2015

If people can't handle blunt truth...well, not my problem.

Melania - posted on 04/21/2015

26

0

3

RESPECT. We're all moms here, and we all know that while motherhood is incredibly rewarding, it's not easy. So we start from a place of respect—for each other, for our children, for the huge challenge of being a mom. We recognize that there's much to be gained from the EXCHANGE of reassurances and ideas with other moms, who understand like no one else. And we thrive when we have access to non-judgemental SUPPORT and try to PAY IT FORWARD by giving that support readily to others. Let's keep our community ENCOURAGING, CONSTRUCTIVE, and THOUGHTFUL!

Melania - posted on 04/21/2015

26

0

3

He chose to go to college and he has enrolled and is preparing. His decision. I am learning that parenting him is different than my other 2 (younger) and that is a much harder task than I anticipated. I'm not "pissy" over your response, I just felt as if you put a lot of words in that response that were incorrect. I can take the heat or I wouldn't have put it out there. Thanks.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/21/2015

13,264

21

2015

Ah, but what if its his choice NOT to go to college? Are you going to attempt to force that as well?

I didn't say your 'job ends there'. You're a parent, always will be. Parenting an adult child is different from parenting a kid. My adult sons know that THEY are responsible, and they have been prepared for that since well before reaching 18. I may offer advice but only when asked, and I don't get pissy if my advice isn't heeded, because they are adults.

Have you prepared him well? Then let him sink or swim. He'll probably swim. Most do.

Melania - posted on 04/21/2015

26

0

3

I consider his future to be mine and his fathers responsibility until he graduates high school and starts college. My job doesn't end there. This girl has been like a leach from day one. She's tried to move in my house when that didn't happen she started trying to get him to let her go in my house when we were at work bc she didn't have a place to live....not my problem. She's not my problem or my child to raise. Her parents aren't involved enough to care and when she ask my opinion of something I give her advice as I would anyone else. I didn't just out of the blue tell her to go get on bc. She has been having issues of very bad cramping (her telling me this) etc during her time of the month therefore when she ask me I merely told her that at her age and by being sexually active that it wouldn't be a bad idea to seek an OBGYN. And whatever choices he chooses to make as an adult will belong to him not me.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/21/2015

13,264

21

2015

LOL...Actually, I read all of the other responses. I responded to you as I would my own sons.

You WERE incredibly rude to presume to tell another woman how to handle her choices of birth control or lack thereof. That's my opinion, and had my 'boyfriend's mother' attempted a conversation of that nature with me, she'd have been firmly put in her place, especially if my SO were an adult. How presumptuous!

Would you have been happier if I'd simply said "Butt out! It is none of your business what your adult son and his partner have decided to do, and it is presumptuous of you to attempt to indicate their choices"...?

;-)

Melania - posted on 04/21/2015

26

0

3

Wow! At your post Shawnn...Rude much? I never forbid him from seeing her. I know I put this out there to get opinions however your rudeness and assumptions are a bit much. Maybe if you read some of the other replies you would understand that I wasn't being rude to her by any means. smh...

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/21/2015

13,264

21

2015

1: Your son is an adult, legally. You can RECOMMEND that he stop seeing this woman, but you most certainly cannot FORBID an adult from doing something. Nice try though.
2: How do you know that your son and this woman are not on the same page? How do you know that he's not as willing to go with God's will as she is?
3: It was INCREDIBLY pushy and overbearing, imo, for you to presume to give your adult son's girlfriend directives concerning what she 'should' be doing at this point in her life. Rude, as well.
4:You can make your opinion known, and prepare for whatever may happen.

You don't have the right to demand that ANYONE who is a legal adult change their habits or methods simply because you do not agree with them.

Trisha - posted on 04/20/2015

551

0

13

I think it might be worthwhile mentioning the conversation you had with his gf to your son, and informing him that you will support him emotionally if his GF gets pregnant, but not financially. For example: If you end up starting a family, you will have to do that out on your own, not under this roof.
If you raised your son with the right morals, than he should be able to understand what is going on. Be careful not to be too strong with this though, or it could push him away and make it worse.

Melania - posted on 04/20/2015

26

0

3

Maybe preached was a bad word to use....I have always guided him it's just difficult because I see what her agenda is. The gf is the one who broached the subject with me so I gave my opinion. She always throws in the "I don't have a mother to ask so I'm asking you..." Thank you for your response and opinion. I don't like it...but what mother would considering the circumstances. This is very difficult for me. Thank you.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms