20 year old daughter, not motivated, selfish and rude.. We dont know how to handle it?

Jmayb1126 - posted on 02/18/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )

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She is actually my husband's daughter, but I have been in her life for 8 years, she lives with us, and we are giving her 100% support. She never has been very good in school, despite our efforts to help her get better. The second she turned 18 she dropped out, She kept a job for about 8 months which was awesome, but then got fired because she was constantly calling in. She smokes weed, drinks, and does other drugs.( so getting a new job is even more difficult) We have found weed laying around the house, blunt wrappers. I mean I have a 5 year old running around! she refuses to go to college or get a job, wont help around the house and will not pay rent. Comes and goes as she pleases. She is a bad influence on my young son. We finally put our foot down and kicked her out. She stayed gone for a few days, sending us mean text messages. Her mother will not her her live with her either. Now she is saying she is sorry, told us we either need to give her money or she will go sleep in a homeless shelter. Which is dangerous in the city of chicago. I know she is just being manipulative. It is what she does best. And weve been down this road before, she leaves, she comes back because she has nowhere to live. We love her, we do not want her out on the streets. When is enough enough? Do we give her tough love and make her stay out? I am terrified. If she does not have the tools in life to make it while she is getting our support, what can I expect of her while she is on her own? She is immediately threatening with a shelter instead of trying to figure it out. I am sorry this is so long. I am so upset. I know it is not good for us to keep letting her come back and not change. I am so torn. Any advice?

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Jmayb1126 - posted on 02/18/2015

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I feel like this is what we will end up doing. It is just so hard because I feel that we have given her so many chances already. She has been kicked out before, she stayed gone for a month at which point she had no where to go. So we let her back, telling her she had to follow our rules. Not to mention the amount of times we threatened to kick her out unless she stopped acting the way she does. We prolonged it as long as we could. I think we are going to wait and see if she contacts us, and let her make the first move. If she does not, then I guess we will try to let her figure things out on her own. And a lease is a GREAT idea. Thank you!

Raye - posted on 02/18/2015

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If you allow her back in your house, you need to lay down the law (possibly write up a lease agreement). Give her the conditions by which she can stay (either job or school, helping around the house, no drugs, no disrespectful behavior) and let her know exactly what will get her back out on the street. Then you both have to follow up on your promises or she's out with no more second chances.

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