3 years of nice to angry=stepdaughter still hasn't improved! HELP!

Johnnie Rene - posted on 10/23/2015 ( 3 moms have responded )

3

0

1

I need help! I know similar situations have been addressed on here, and I did not read through all the posts, but I did read a lot of them. My stepdaughter came to live with us 3 1/2 yrs ago at the age of 10. Her mother is an addict and simply dropped her off at the doorstep with nothing but the clothes on her back. Prior to her living with us she came every Wednesday and every other weekend. Every other Wednesday we treated her for headlice, she was so infested that you could literally see the adult lice crawling through her hair and pick them out. Every Wednesday we would have to shower her, and have her brush the weeks plaque of her teeth. When we were supposed to be enjoying our visit we were would be performing hygiene marathons. Every other weekend we would have to launder her clothes as well as the bag she brought because they smelled of cigarettes and trashy funk. That kids feet could knock over a horse. She also did not wipe her bottom and would have feces in her underwear, she stunk, and she went around picking her underwear out of her butt constantly. I talked to her about it, told her how important it was to keep clean "down there", kept wipes on the side of the toilet, and bought her wipes for her backpack. She ate like an animal. I felt so badly for her, she's a pretty girl but she literally smelled like and acted like an animal. I have tried my best to teach her, and help her develop a sense of self respect and worth. Fast forward a few months and we get custody. It took me 8 months to get rid of the head lice, even getting it myself in the interim. She stuffed half eaten food and feces crusted undies in her clean clothes, lied to us, constantly played the victim to get things from outside our home, manipulated us, bullied smaller children, took whatever she wanted, used whatever she wanted, never did her homework, wouldn't shower, wouldn't brush her teeth, and would run the streets like a little gang banger. She constantly tried to be a part of adult conversation. She had no limits or boundaries. She hoarded things excessively, if a friend got a barbie she would want 10, spend every last dime of birthday money, etc, get friends to give her theirs then play with them for a day only to be forgotten this was the case with beads, orbies, journals, duct tape, you name it. Once she took a whole 200+ stack of sticky notes that I hadn't even opened yet and folded them all into those little paper fortune teller things. She would throw a fit if I wouldn't let her win every single time at board games. She would ruined the carpet in our house spilling things and leaving them, only to swear she didn't do it. That child could spin a halfway believable tale in 20 seconds flat. She couldn't tell you 2x2 but she could tell you the exact steps it took for her mother and friend to steal electricity when the power got shut off. I've spent time with her, bought for her, shown her how to clean herself, her room, tried to lead by example, talked to her about the perils of her actions and lack thereof, shown her pictures, been nice, been nasty, rewarded good behavior, taken things away, she goes to church, I put her in orchestra. Through all of this she has this grandiose attitude, expects everything handed to her, and done for her. I have overheard her telling other kids how nasty they are and bullying them! ??? Needless to say 3 1/2 years later, nothing has changed, except how I am starting to feel about her and I hate myself for it. I do love this child, but I stay away from her at times because I'm afraid I will say something I will truly regret. I need to add that her mother disappeared from her life 3 yrs ago. I know this has an effect, but her father was her primary caregiver during their marriage anyway. Btw, he is a clean and tidy person, is not abusive, does not have drug or alcohol issues. He loves her very much, but is very easily manipulated as I fear I am too. I have asked him to put her in counseling but he hasn't as of yet. I fear she is headed down a path of self destruction, substance abuse or worse. I want so much for her, yet I am so fed up that I feel as if I am of no good to her anymore. Thanks more than anything for just letting me share!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Raye - posted on 10/23/2015

3,767

0

23

Her father should be more involved, and not putting all the responsibility on you. I agree that counseling would be a good thing to try to overcome some of these obstacles. But outside of that you and her father need to have rules and consequences (and follow through on those consequences consistently). Try not to be nasty, but be firm and unwavering in your resolve that she needs to learn to behave properly. If she doesn't learn how to treat possessions, then she has them taken away. If she hides food in her room, she only gets fed at the table under supervision and never has access to food except when she asks and you can watch her eat. If she doesn't brush her teeth, then she gets no sweets, no breads/carbs, nothing that will turn to sugar on her teeth. if she can't put her dirty clothes in the hamper, then you must be there when she dresses and undresses. If she can't wipe her butt and wash her hands, you must put her in the shower and make sure she's clean. If she's bullying other kids, there needs to be consequences for that. It's going to be a hard road and you can't give in because you're tired. You have to keep consistent.

3 Comments

View replies by

Jeanne - posted on 10/26/2015

10

0

2

she may have been homeless and sexually abused . the homeless will put feces on the private so they would get rape since her mother did bad choices who knew what she has seen or encountered . she really needs counseling and the family . kept sharing get all he help you need .prayers sent your way take care. pray

Johnnie Rene - posted on 10/23/2015

3

0

1

Thank you so much for your reply. I felt as though I had tried it all, the illusions of a frazzled mind, lol. Your simple suggestions are wonderful words of advice and greatly appreciated!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms