a teenager's privacy

Jill - posted on 07/23/2010 ( 102 moms have responded )

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I believe that teenagers need to have their privacy, but I also believe that if I feel concerned about something they may be involved in, I want to be able to look in their room, on the computer, or on their phone. My daughter has to put her cell phone on the charger at 9:30 on school nights, as to not talk/text on it at all hours of the night. And she always 'locks' her phone. This right there makes me wonder if she's hiding something in it. Not that I would look... but my thought is, if she has nothing to hide, why would she have to 'lock' it?



My other concern is that I was looking on my step son's iPod. Sounds pretty safe right, well not when they have videos you can record on them. I found that he recorded himself doing something that was Very Innapropriate, not to mention illegal! His dad and I showed his mom and her main concern was 'why were we looking on his iPod'. And that we were 'invading his privacy'. We said to her, "aren't you concerned about what we found?" We don't want him to think that he doesn't have any privacy, but when we questioned him about what happened on the video, he denied it. We didn't want to tell him where we got the information from, just that we 'found out about it and wanted him to tell us the truth'. Am I crossing the line by invading the kids' privacy??

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Gina - posted on 07/26/2010

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You are the parent. Your children live under your roof and therefore have to abide by your rules! I personally don't agree with children having cell phones, computers and video games in their rooms. They suffocate themselves and cut away from the family unit. All because they have a virtual world all to themselves in their own damn room. Which you are providing. Check their history on the computer you will be amazed by what you learn about your child and thier friends. I found out our neighbors daughter was having sex at 13. Read their text messages, you are paying for their phone time. A friend of ours found out too late. Her daughter met up with an elderly guy on FB. Told her he would buy anything she wanted at the mall. So her mom dropped her off at the mall to meet up with her friends. She was raped in the parking lot after he bought her $300 worth of clothes and promised he would take her home. This could be your child if you don't take control.

Angie - posted on 07/23/2010

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As a parent we must know what our children are doing to protect them. In our home, we tell our children that we will access anything we want but will only do it when they are present - but we will not warn them if we're going to look at something. We don't allow our children to lock their cell phones, if they choose to do that, they lose that privilage. It's the same with computers - I have access to all their accounts.

Erin - posted on 07/27/2010

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It is a parents responsibility to make sure their children are safe and conducting themselves in the proper manner. I feel that as parents we have the obligation to check their bookbags, phones, computers and rooms to make sure all is well, expecially if we have a concern. We never had these luxuries as children, and I believe our children have far too many luxuries (mine included). As long as my children live under my roof, they abide by my rules and it is my home, every part of it. I have bought the computer, the phone, the bookbag, etc. and it is another extra they get, not a right. I review all the messages on my childrens computer and phone daily to make sure of the content. It is one of the rules in my home and one of the stipulations of having these items. Children do not have the capacity to make all of the right decisions. Their brains do not work the same as ours. Their ideas are deformed alot of times and it is our responsibilty as parents to teach them. If we don't know what they are doing, we can't guide them correctly. I want to make sure my child isn't being bullied or isn't bullying someone else, they are not inappropriate, they conduct themselves with honor and respect. I work in law enforcement and I have seen far too often the dangers of the internet, bullying, etc. We give our children too much freedom these days. We are not here to be their friends, they have enough of them. We have to be their parent.

Annette - posted on 04/09/2011

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brace yourself.. ALL OF MY CHILDREN know they have NO PRIVACY until they pay the rent. if it is in my house then i have the right to know. if i am legally responcible for them and their actions then i have the right to know. My daughters want to keep a diary.. it will be subject to a good reading IF i feel it is warrented.. If my son is acting guilty.. i will read his text messages.. a lot of my kids friends are also my friends of facebook.. i know if they were with tommy last night and tommy is posting he has a hangover.. well my kids will be confronted...i also have given radom drug tests.. and secret drug tests that they dont even know they ever took.... if you want to know how to do that email me at binkxth@yahoo.com... as to his mom.. she can live in denile all she wants but when she either #1 has to visit her son in jail or #2 identify his body.. she will ahve to ask herself if his privacy was worth it.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/03/2011

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@ Zoe: Whoa, girl, back up. Jane most definately DID NOT say you were "killing your kids". Jane merely pointed out that she'd rather have her methods, which have worked for her for years, than allow your methods, which I will agree are a bit on the dangerous side.

With all due respect, we are NOT here to play high school games and bash each other's parenting styles or choices. This is a mutual society of mothers who like to listen, help, be a shoulder, or whatever else. Now, you've openly stated that you do not care if your kid brings home something to hide for someone else because that's what you did, but personally, if my son brings home a pack of cigs to "hide" for someone else, I'm on the phone with "someone else's" parent. As a matter of fact, he was so bothered by one of his friends purchasing over $1000 in alcohol, he didn't just tell me, he personally called his friend's mom.

It all comes down to your beliefs. If you believe that you are correct in letting your kids hide things for other kids, then great. Go for it, but DON'T be surprised if your kids do end up having drug, alcohol issues later. I'm not saying that they WILL, just that in my opinion (and that's all it is), you are not doing your children any favors by encouraging them to help their friends hide things from their own parents. You are, however, encouraging your kids to hide things from you, should they feel a need. Again, just my opinion. If you disagree, that is your right.

I know you are new to the community, and we welcome you, but please try to understand, we are all offering OPINIONS, not telling you how to raise your kids. You are more than welcome to participate or not, as you see fit, but please don't start taking offense at posts that offer an opinion. Jane responded to you because she felt a need to explain further, NOT to bash your parenting style.

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Ryann - posted on 11/20/2013

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Okay there lady slow down im a teenager and i do have a lock on my cell as well just like every other teenager does doesnt mean i have bad things on my phone as for the cell phone lock you shouldnt be worried if they really have nothing to hide make them unlock it right in front of you so they can delete anything if they dont then shut off their cell and of course he lied hes a freakin teenager we know we are busted so we lie and some part of us knows that lying makes it worse but we do it anyway .

[deleted account]

Thank you! I completely understand (even though I'm not a parent) that being a parent is the number 1 job for any parent. I think that being a parent also requires giving your child space, but still being careful and protecting them. And of course I understand that looking at websites for mothers is not what I "should" be doing. I just was sort of seeking for the opinion of someone else. I've talked to my parents about this, and I was just curious to see what others think.

I understand, I completely do, that the internet and texting, etc, is not really privacy, but sometimes, I feel the need to engage and speak to people I don't know, because I think it can be refreshing, I guess.

(I think) I'm going through a phase right now--being on the computer a lot, being introverted--and I think it'll pass.

I love my friends, and my family a lot. Sort of a disproportionate amount. And I am really privileged and I am loved. But sometimes I just need to breathe a little, you know?

Thank you though, for responding. It means a lot :)

Megan - posted on 12/12/2012

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Ruby, kudos to you forwardness and candid insight into the mind of a teen. I hope you'll appreciate my equally candid insight into the mind of a mom. We have one job that matters and it is our family. We may be doctors, teachers, secretaries, whatever; in the end our job as parents is what matters most to us. This website is dedicated to giving parents (who are as clueless as teens in many ways) an open forum to ask for and receive advice from those in the same or similar situation.

I know your pain, I lived your pain (yes it is survivable). My words of wisdom for you are "once you survive High School you will survive anything" It may be the worst 4yrs of your life, but you will also have some of the best times of your life,AND you need to live your life.

The fact that you have admitted to locking yourself in your room to ease your growing pains and are now searching parenting websites instead of chatting with a friend is a sign of a problem. An adult in your life should be reaching out to you and whether you like it or not, they should insist that you join the family again. A parent's job is to be the bad guy at times, in this case someone needs to get the computer out of your room and insist that you include them in your life while they force you to be a part of theirs. I more than once, had to tell my kids I didn't care if they wanted to be with me, I want to be with them and I pay their bills. Honestly, I didn't want to be around that attitude, I did want them to remember they are not alone and every now and then we'd share a laugh. If too much time passes you may forget how to be a part of the real world.

My oldest turned 21 a few months ago and gave me a card on HER birthday, thanking me for not letting her withdraw from us. It seems so many of her friends have bad or NO relationship with their moms because they felt their mom's were glad to not hear their voice as teens. I honestly didn't want to hear about"he said this, she wore that, this sucks..." but I wanted her to know she was important enough for me to listen.

Back to the topic of this forum, privacy should not be unlimited. If you want to write your feelings get a journal, putting it on the internet or sending it in a text is NOT private! Why do kids expect privacy in a public forum? It's like Kim Kardashian complaining that someone takes her picture. There is no privacy on the internet! If mom shouldn't see it, use a pen, what goes online does not go away and will come back to haunt you. Hiding behind a screen only increases your feeling of isolation, get out of your room and walk the dog, if you don't have one borrow a neighbors, go look at Christmas lights, whatever your thing is - MOVE you body.

[deleted account]

Hi! So, I am not actually a mother. I am a teenager, in fact, and I am sorry for signing up for this website. I will deactivate my account immediately after posting this comment. I wanted to address this comment because I always want to speak to adults about adolescence, but not all adults want to speak to a teenage girl about it.



I am quite a seclusive person--I tend to stay in my room a lot, keep to myself, etc. This habit started when I was around 12, and I'm sure will end at some point. But the thing that you must understand about teenagers is that many of them are not, in fact, looking to rebel or do something that their parents will not approve of. Of course, you all were teenagers. But things always change with time--habits of teens change with time as well.



The fact is, a lot of teenagers are in pain (in fact, the word "teen"comes from the Middle English "tene," meaning grief or suffering). Not only physical pain, because of growing. But they are in figurative pain because they are trying to figure out how to present themselves. They are trying to figure out what kind of friends to make, what clothes to wear, what to like, what food to eat, etc. And they do not know! That is what many adults have trouble understanding. My parents wanted me to be who I was at seven, eight, nine. But I was not the same, because I had grown, evolved, changed (Not into a literal different person, but into a person with different interests and tastes).



I was a very extroverted person before ages 12 or 13. And then, bam. It is so, so clichéd, and when I was 12 I was sure that none of these things--the rebellious attitude, the seclusion--would happen to me. And then these things started happening.



So what I am begging you to understand is that this time will pass. I am so sorry that you feel uncomfortable or distrustful with your daughter and stepson. But they are in pain, and the fact is not, it is NOT that they are doing these things for selfish reasons.



It is because they are experimenting. Seeing if it works, tweaking this and that. I'm sure you've done it. When you are trying to figure out who you are, what else can you do?

Trish - posted on 09/27/2011

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You're allowed. If you want your child to be safe and to be alive...You look. It's not responsible if you didn't. If they still live under your roof...and you pay all the bills, food, etc...They are still under your care. You shouldn't feel guilty. If they are adults living away from home you would be overstepping...but because they are still under your care...You need to do what you have to do. As parents we need to be on top of our game to keep our kids safe.

Leeann - posted on 09/26/2011

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the issue is they're safety. when they are doing things that could get them hurt, or hurt others is it not a mothers or a fathers job to step in and do something. kids do stupid things, i could name on my one hand all the idiotic things that i have dine, and my husband could keep you busy for a few days with his stuff.

but thats beside the point, its our job to keep the healthy and safe, we should do all that we can to do so, bit stay within limits.

Leeann - posted on 09/12/2011

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privacy has its limits, my kids can have all the privacy they want, but they also know that if momma says She Wants To Talk About, they better believe that Momma Is Going To Talk About It. No if ands or buts about it, my mom was sneaky about I'm more upfront, my kids hate it, but they respect my stance as well, they may despise it, but they love me because i worry about them. My daughter told me when she get her first cell phone, (one she has to pay for) that I wont be able to see who she calls or texts. i disabused her of that notion real quick. In no uncertain terms until she reaches the age of eighteen, what she does is MY Business. Now most people dont agree with that, but it my job she stays happy and healthy until she reaches the age of an adult. i take that job very seriously.

Tah - posted on 06/30/2011

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O yeah, they may have heard it before, t.v..friends etc, but I'm saying it doesn't have to be mom who has said it to them...

Typo moms are here in COM and will show up and in the middle of a conversation, point out your typos and sometimes, if feeling really spry, insult your intelligence, if she's good she can do it all in less that 3 sentences and with a lol to boot...lmbo..that's her...

Tah - posted on 06/30/2011

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My iPad picks the words for me so I could care less about a typo..I'm not THAT mom..lol...

Tah - posted on 06/30/2011

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Children don't have to hear i hate you to say it. There are many moms on here that will vouch for that..it doesn't always come from that. Now don't get me wrong, I have 3 nieces and 8 nephews..I have 5 sisters and 1 brother..I have my sons friends that come here, they vent, I show them both sides, I feed them and joke with them..but then I send them home...I would hope someone would do that for mine as well. I have even walked one boy back home when his mother decided she didn't want him anymore..I called the cops when she wouldn't answer the door...so I'm not heartless by any means..I do get the wanting to help..

Tah - posted on 06/30/2011

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Also..I hate my whole name being on here, I thought changed it..lol..tah is fine, when you say dula, I think a patient is calling for pain meds...we may not agree but I would love to here your views on some other things..that goes for Kim as well..

http://www.circleofmoms.com/just-debates...

Heck I'll see ya all their...new community...

Tah - posted on 06/30/2011

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You said stayed with you..stayed with..lived with..was there overnight or for more than a couple days..point being she was there. There are always 3 sides to the story..his, hers and the truth. If that's the case..she has a school social worker, counselor etc, and their are agencies in place to help her and her parents. I want to be clear, I don't really care if she is your sister or not, you don't wanna say what she is to you, okay fine. For him to be your nephew she is something to you..soo besides the point. Some teens are little entitled spoiled brats and may need a good yelling at when warranted. If you feel she is abusing him, there are also places to help. You have, by your standards, deemed her unfit, but that doesn't make it so. As I said, we can agree to disagree...

Tah - posted on 06/30/2011

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However he became your nephew..sister or not..the fact you allowed him to stay with you may in his mind signal you siding with him, which you obviously do. I don't know that she must be to blame for anything. You and I are gonna have to agree to disagree.children can be respected..but they do need to respect their parents because they are their parents. If I need to raise my voice, as the parent, doesn't mean they do the same to me, they aren't raising me, I am raising them. I can go through their things, but they can't go through mine. Etc. My children and I are close as well. My son is well rounded and respectful....and I do check after him and it's exactly as Kim said, for their protection because some children have way bigger issues than wanting privacy and may not have good direction in their lives. It's my responsibility to protect them, even from themselves if need be.

Kim - posted on 06/30/2011

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I agree and disagree with you. I do not allow the word hate to be used in my home. I have a total of 5 children 3 are teenage girls and they are wonderful children. I go through their belongings in front of them and then we have a discussion about sexting, drinking, drugs, etc... In this age of modern technology parents need to be more involved instead of sitting back and waiting for something to happen then act on hit. Case in point, my 15 y/o (then 13) was receiving sexually explicit text from a 3rd party. She thought if she simply deleted them they would go away. Well she kept receiving the text. Without me checking her phone she approached me (we too have an open relationship) and together we deleted and contacted the 3rd party. I then called my wireless provider and had 3rd party emails blocked. So because I choose to protect my child by going through her stuff we still communicate openly so much so that she is comfortable approaching me on just about anything. She is an honor student with excellent morals and values. I allow her to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes as well. She may not appreciate it now but she will when she is older. She has never told me or others that she hate me and wants to move out. I check her belongings because I can not be sure if her friends parents are raising their children the same way that I am trying to raise mine.
I'm glad that you had success with rearing your son.

Tah - posted on 06/30/2011

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If my mom allowed my boyfriend to live with me I'd be her best friend as well. You seem a little judgmental when I can question why you think his gf living with you is appropriate, with what your child has diagnosed as lack of parenting skills is also a term some may apply to you. So now every teen in a 50 mile radius that is unhappy with their parents rules gets to come to your house..HA..I'd have been impressed if you had backed your sister, and sent your nephew back home since if privacy was the true issue isn't enough to hate your mom and run to aunties house where she is more than willing to shower you with freedom and her superior parenting skills...HAHA. I would have been impressed if you had said..listen, it is your moms rules because she is your parent and cares for you and it is her responsibility to make sure you are going down the right path". It just seems you want to sit in judgment of their parenting and say I'm the better mom because all the teens come here,and it's not the case at all...

Tah - posted on 06/30/2011

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If a teen hates his mother and wants her dead, there is more than a privacy issue going on theta and I as his aunt would have corrected him even speaking about her in that manner and discussed with her the living arrangment, hopefully you did...I'm sorry, that word was never allowed in our house and you knew if younwent and told moms sister you hated her you were in for it..so it just rubs me the wrong way....carry on..

Frankie - posted on 06/21/2011

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I must say that I quite agree. I go through all four of my kids computers, ipods, phones, etc. I feel that as the parent I have a responsibility to make sure I know what they are doing, who they are doing it with, and where they are doing it at. No matter what it is. And let's be honest, teenagers rarely tell the full truth when they feel they can get away with half of it.

Every account my 4 kids have, I have the passwords, if their phone/ipod locks, I have the password, and I also have the passwords to their computers. They all know and understand. I do not necessarily check them all everyday, but I do check them periodically. And they know it and have no problem with it.

I don't actively search their rooms, but will if I feel the need to. And they know it.

They are the child and I am the parent. What I say goes. That is the end of it. I am responsible for their actions and the consquences of those actions until they are grown, so I will do whatever I can to make sure they make the best choices I can until then.

Caneshia - posted on 06/21/2011

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It is so many perverts out here so many things for our children to get into and sometimes even with our guidance they can be lead astray thats why its important to monitor what your child does.I know when I was a teen I thought I had it all figured on knew what to do and how to do what ever it was I wanted..But I didnt and thanks to my mother being there for me watching and monitoring what I do certain things didnt happen to me.When your a teenage mom you feel like oh I have a baby Im a mom I know what to do.But you dont you havent even been through enough trial and tribulations to begin to know how to parent correctly Im 33 with a 14 and 7 year old and still learning.As my children get older and I see that they have listened and learned slowly I will start letting them have privacy.As parent that knows whats out here Im not going to let my children fall victim.And no my children dont have privacy at 14 and 7 they dont need it...Some of their friends have privacy and those are they ones my children not even allowed to go to their house because looking on their facebook page I see alot of inappropriate things that go on at her house and my daughter wont be apart of it if I can help it...So yes I will monitor phone calls,text messages and emails and all for the safety of my children there are alot of things going on in this world dont be blind to them open your eyes.Im a parent first and friend later...And end the end as I thank my mother my children will thank me too!!!!

Kelli - posted on 06/21/2011

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i was referring to wat someone else had said damn. and im not like most teens fyi. and just cuz im a teen mother doesnt mean i dont kno anything.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/21/2011

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Kelli, how can an OPINION be incorrect? It differs from person to person? Furthermore, when did ANY OF US who said we monitor our kids say that we respect their privacy? Hmmm??? Just curious. Like most teens, you seem to read what you want, and interpret it in any way which suits you.

So, how would you feel if we all told you that YOUR opinion is wrong, because you are a teen mother, you know nothing? You wouldn't like it, you'd be offended. However, we are NOT saying that. We are respecting your opinion, just questioning certain statements. If you can't handle that, I'm sorry. However, my OPINION is just that, an opinion. It is neither correct, nor incorrect.

Kelli - posted on 06/21/2011

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well ur opinion is incorrect. just sayin. i dont get how ppl can sit there and say oh i respect my kids privacy, wat privacy do they have if u go thru everything?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/21/2011

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No, I am trying to ask you to respond in a like manner as have all the other ladies on the forum. Your language is not necessary. If you want to talk like that at home, to your friends, partner, child, family, or in your texts, that's fine. Please refrain from using such language on a public forum.

I could care less how you want to look to others. To me, your posts indicate immaturity. If that offends you, I apologize, however, I am entitled to my opinion.

Kelli - posted on 06/21/2011

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my language and my sentence structure doesnt mean jack shit about me. ur trying to judge me on how i write.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/21/2011

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No, ms. Kelli, I am saying that you don't have the experience yet, but you soon will. Your language and your sentence structure indicate that you are still a rebellious teen. I am not saying that you are not taking care of your responsibilities, just that you are not experienced as of yet.

It is a learning experience. You will learn, as all of us have, and continue to do. However, if I may point out, offensive language such as "going thru my kidz shit" "its fucked up" is quite unnecessary here. Please refrain from such language in a public forum.

Kelli - posted on 06/21/2011

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so ur saying im not a parent? just cuz someone doesnt go thru there kids shit doesnt mean they arent a parent and are just a friend

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/21/2011

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@ Kelli: Well, then you should have said IMO, you are a horrible person. What is it with teens these days that you can't even type in correct syntax?

FYI, ms. Kelli, my teens have NO privacy. And they know it, AND they respect that! They understand that they are under age, and that I, and their dad are here to guide and protect them, and get them ready for life. And, by doing so, I hope to prevent yet another teen pregnancy.

If your parents pay for your phone, internet, computer, cable, room & board, then they have every right to know what you are doing, where you are doing it, and with whom. Any less is not being a parent, it's being a permissive "friend", which is unacceptable.

You may understand as your child grows, and then you're going to feel like a hypocrite...Maybe...

Kelli - posted on 06/20/2011

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@Danielle Voyles - i was posting my opinion and as a teenager myself, its fucked up to go thru ur kids shit cuz that just mean that u have no trust in them

Kim - posted on 06/19/2011

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Mimi, I agree with you 100% and I tell my daughter (15) the same thing. No issues thus far.

Kim - posted on 06/19/2011

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I tell my teenage daughter that she can gain privacy once she is on her own and in her own home as long as she is living with us that I would check everything. I have passwords to my daughter accounts and check them on occassion. I check her text and facebook account. She also knows that I respect her and trust her but can't be sure if her friends parents are raising their children to have the same level of respect, morals, and values as I am trying to instill in her. She understands and whenever I request her items she gives them to me. I also go through her room and backpack. My mother didn't go through my stuff but I didn't have a cell phone or the internet either. However, she did go through my brothers belongings.

Mimi - posted on 04/09/2011

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So correct I have a 19 ye old and a. 17 ye old and both say they made better choices.
They also say they will do the same with their kids.

Danielle - posted on 04/08/2011

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@Kelli- People are allowed to have different opinions, and she isn't a horrible person just because she did something you don't agree with. There is no reason to be disrespectful.

Kelli - posted on 04/07/2011

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ur horrible for invading his privacy! if he messes up then he messes up and learns from it.

Danielle - posted on 03/30/2011

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Oooooh Jill, I feel your pain. I am in the same situation as you. I have a step-daughter who is now 13, and some issues came up. When it was brought to her mother's attention, my husband and I were given the whole "she has no privacy in your home" and "Danielle has no rights to see this stuff" instead of discussing what we should do about her concerning behavior. It has been a constant struggle, for nearly 9 years, and I have reached the point of laughing about it, because there is nothing left to do. I agree with pretty much everyone on here that kids DO have privacy, but if they give you a reason, you should be able to look. I also agree with your concern about your daughter locking her phone. Not that you necessarily think something is wrong, but if she WASN'T doing anything bad, why would she feel the need to lock her things up in the first place? It's just suspicious behavior, and it is something we have deal with here, too.

But you and I are in a unique situation (and I imagine some of the other parents as well). We do not have my step-daughter full time. We get her 2 days a week, so her mother has the "primary" custody. So the rules we set and the things we believe have very little effect, because her mother does not communicate with us nor agree with us on these issues. So we have the horrible problem of deciding between 1-Letting this stuff go, let her have her FULL privacy, don't check her phone (which we never even wanted her to have in the 1st place) and HOPE that nothing dangerous or bad is going on. Or 2- Tell her tough, when she is in our home, she will follow our rules and hand over her phone at night and tell us her passwords, etc. And when we do that, she just refuses to come see us. We have been forced to either go along or be left out, and I honestly don't know what to do. The last time we started checking on things (and there was some irresponsible behavior going on), that is what happened. Now she is back to seeing us and has all of her internet/cell phone usage back, and we aren't checking. And she hasn't given us any reason to look either, but I hate knowing that everyone feels/thinks that IF something did come up, we still have no rights to check up on it.

It is a horrible, heartbreaking, infuriating, frustrating situation to be in. I hope all worked out for you, your son, and husband.

Barfield - posted on 02/21/2011

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If I pay the bill you Have no privacy....Kids are very sneaky these days and I like keeping an eye on my teenagers. I told my daughters that if they dont want me checking there phones and the computer then they better start footing the bill...

Mimi - posted on 02/21/2011

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My home is a monarchy and I am the queen. You will follow my rules as long as you live under my roof. When you want to make the rules get your own roof. Rule #1 This is my house and everything in it is mine. Including your drawers, backpack, computer, facebook account, iPOD. You name it. You don't like it get an apartment. Kids girl 17 boy 19 still live home. No issues.

Carol - posted on 02/21/2011

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If your child can't be honest with you then I feel us as parents have no choice I don't think it's invading their privacy we are just concerned, my 16yr old daughter is very sly & clever and if they are not going to be honest then there isn't another way around it after all we are only looking out for them that's our job as parents. I say to mine if you are not honest with me then what do they expect us to do if they are honest then we won't invade their privacy. It's so hard at times what to do for the best. X

Barbara - posted on 02/15/2011

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I agree. I have a 14 yr old son and a 12 year old son, both know that their cell phones are mine to look at anytime I need to. And both have email accounts that I have the passwords and the oldest has a Facebook account that I also can access anytime I need. I made that part of the responsibilities of getting those items

Michelle - posted on 02/10/2011

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I feel that as a parent, you have every right to know what it going on inside your own home. If that means you go through their stuff, then so be it. If they were not hiding anything, they wouldn't make a big deal out of it. My children know I will randomly go through their stuff. I do not tell them when I am going to do it, but I do this while they are present. I am responsible as a parent to lead them down the right path, and that means knowing everything that goes on in our home.

Blossom - posted on 02/10/2011

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I agree with magan kids dont make the rules, parents do. My 13 year old daughter knows her cell phone and facebook and email are free game. cause its our job to protect our kids even from themselves no matter how much they hate us.

Zoe - posted on 02/06/2011

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Shawnn, At no pint did i say that my child DID look after her friends stuff, nor did i say i would tell her that i did , i havent disided yet, i just said that i had and that if her friends parents did look in there bags and that her friends ask she probably will, i dont know i can not see into the future. if my child asked about drugs i would give them as much info as i could. I know this will not sit well with many on here but i senserly belive and experence has shown me that you need to trust to get respect. i belive that if anyone is going to do anything take drugs, have affers anything then snooping on them will not stop this. it is obviuse to me that i am coming at this in a completly different way, and maybe thats a good thing, it would not do for us all to be the same, i have since spoken to many of my frends ,parents of R's frends and have been assured that they would ever look in there childrens stuff, so maybe iam not so off the wall.
i can only reiterate what i have already told you,some of my frends were given on privasy, so they took it, there perents were safe and sure in the knowlege that there childe were not getting up to anything, and these perents were wrong, so very wrong. i did not smoke, i do not feel i was incoureged to lie or to hid things.
as for the other point, if R was found with anything then yes of coures i would take th cosiquenses, and as someone that worked in a night shelter for 8 yers and know many drug addics and know the law very well and also no of test cases regarding simerler i am quit happy with the small risk involved.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/04/2011

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Which brings up a curiosity question, ladies. As we all know, we (as the parents) can be held responsible for any and all actions our underage teens take, legal or illegal. So, Zoe, (and this is NOT a challenge, I just don't understand) how do you handle that? If you are allowing your kids to be responsible for their friends' cigs/alcohol, how do you know they aren't hiding drugs as well? Did you know that if your teen is found with drugs in his possession, it won't matter if they are "his" or not? How do you KNOW that your kid is ONLY hiding the stuff and not doing it behind YOUR back?

My point is, you are encouraging this behavior. You are telling them: I did this, and it's ok if you do, I won't look and I won't ask.

But, if you DON'T look, and you DON'T ask, and one day your kid gets busted for something, you are STILL the responsible party, as the parent.

I guess if you're ok with that, then, ok, but I just don't understand.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/04/2011

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@ zoe, I'm sorry you feel that you were being criticized for your parenting style. I DID re-read the last part of Jane's response to you, and I still do not see that she said "you are killing your kids". She said she'd rather have it her way, which she knows works, than TAKE A CHANCE AND POSSIBLY END UP WITH A DEAD KID. Again, I point out that she is offering an opinion.

Zoe - posted on 02/03/2011

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Shawnn, jane did say i would end up with a dead kid, read the last bit agen. i am telling you somthing that happend as an exampel, my frends parents KNEW there kids did not smok ect couse they they went through there stuff and never found anything and would say" i know what my kids get u to" no they did not.some of these frends went on to take drugs i did not. please see that i am saying just couse you think you know what your kids are doing you proably dont.
Most peopel on this post seem to be of the openion that kids should have littel or no privicy. i was just trying to pont out that there is a difference between not giving you kid privicy and really knowing what is going on, and that is just remambering what it was like being a teenager.

Zoe - posted on 02/03/2011

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@ jane, thank you jane for telling me that i am killing my child just by giving her some privercy, i will bar this in mind when she brings home her frends cigerets and her frends alcohol to hide. that is what i did as i said so how did it help there mothers know what there children were up toNo One went through my stuff or my room when i wasat home and i never did drugs, so i must be dead, you must be reading from a gost.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/03/2011

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@ Jane: I'm right there with you on the 50's and 60's shows. I love it when my boys game together. Hubby is currently setting our LAN so that he and the boys can all play their C&C games...another one I don't have the patience for, unless i'm in pms mode...then shoot-'em-up games are right down my alley!

Nicole - posted on 02/02/2011

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I agree with Angie Bachicha Kissner, the first to reply to this. I have access to my teen's accounts, all of them. If I try to log on and I can't then he can't access it either until I know the new passwords. He has a computer in his room but it has no internet access, he doesn't have text on his phone and his iPod doesn't record video. I respect his privacy, I won't just barge into his room. However, he is a CHILD, maybe entering into young adulthood but still a CHILD and I am still responsible for him and what he does. He still lives in my house and he doesn't pay rent so I still have the right to go through his room if I feel I need too. I'm really lucky though my teen is GREAT and rarely gives me a reason to search or suspect anything.

Jane - posted on 02/02/2011

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@Jessica - my kids have never had privacy and they are amazing human beings. I worry about people who feel that kids privacy is important because every kid I know that has trouble in their life whether it be drugs, teen pregancy, etc., it's because parents thought they deserved the privacy. Didn't work to well for them and that makes me sad. I'm not saying that you can't trust but if you have a good relationship with your kids and they know the boundaries and rules and that they can be "called out" or "checked" at any given time, I think it creates doubt in their heads on whether to do bad things.

Jane - posted on 02/02/2011

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@Shawn - LOL...doing IT for 30 years AND my husband has done it for that long as well definetly gives us an advantage. The funny part is the kids obviously knew/know what we do for a living so they know they could never get away with anything. With regards to World of Warcraft, my son and husband both play and I'm with you...gets me seasick to watch. I don't know HOW they can play that stuff. Problem is, my husbands a big kid too so he and my 17 year old son play that stuff together most of the time. It's a good thing for everyone...they play their boy stuff and I watch old 50's and 60's shows on Hulu LOL)!!!!!!

Jessica - posted on 02/02/2011

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you women are awesome!!! Glad im not the only one who sees that kids do not need privacy to grow and learn to become good adults!!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/02/2011

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@ jane: YOU GO, GIRL! And when you get a chance, would you stop by and give me some hacking tips? LOL...I think i've got my boys under control, but that warcraft thing...I can't even watch them play, makes me seasick!

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