Advice PLEASE - 17yr old son got a girl pregnant- I'm a wreck.

Jacque - posted on 05/11/2013 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I never ever thought those words would come out of my mouth. I'm sure a lot of moms would say the same. However, my oldest- I never ever ever ever ever would expect this from him. He is hardly ever in trouble and when he is, it's something little. He is literally that "golden boy" - the one everyone loves and is drawn to. Kind, respectful, smart, funny- his teachers love him, all adults love him, little kids love him, his teammates love him, his brothers love him.

The deal- he has a girlfriend and they've known each other since 7th grade. They've had a thing for each other since 8th grade and started dating as freshmans. They broke up a couple times for very short periods of time but never went with anyone else and always went right back together. They are now seniors, weeks away from graduating- our families are joined and celebrating holidays together... plans are being made for college and post high-school life... Then- 3 days ago, my son tells me over the phone while I was on my way home from work, that he and his girlfriend need to talk to me. My heart hit my feet and my stomach started to turn thinking this is it- She's pregnant! I'm already running scenarios on how to handle the news. I pick them up and we go to the park. This is when he tells me that he has messed up real bad. That he has got a girl pregnant. And- it isn't his beloved sitting next to him. Instead- it is a 15-year-old girl. A freshman who lives a couple blocks away. Whom none of us, including my son, know very well at all. Words cannot express my feelings at this point. I'm angry as all hell, I'm confused, I'm heartbroken, I'm in disbelief- then I look at his teary eyed girlfriend and my heart crushes even more over how hurt she must be! Yet there she is, sitting next to him, holding his hand- helping him confront the situation and his mother.

He apparently, about 2 weeks ago, snuck this girl into our house- under our very noses, while we were all here asleep. He took her virginity- which is killing me to say. The girl told him Tuesday that she was pregnant and he told me on Wednesday. Over the past couple of days- I haven't been able to eat, my heart hurts so bad, and I can't stop crying. What bothers me even more is that the girl has decided to have an abortion- something I am firmly opposed to. As much as I am disappointed by the events- I am so incredibly in pain over the thought of a little piece of my son being thrown away. Through all of this, my son's girlfriend has decided to stick by him and even suggested for them both accept the baby together so it wouldn't be aborted and so that the girl can continue her life and education. The pregnant girl declined and is insisting on the abortion.

Here is where I really need help- I know I am probably reacting the wrong way but it is so hard! When he initially told me- I think I handled it right because I listened, I thanked him for telling me and said that I was glad he knew he could talk to me. I told him I was disappointed, shocked, hurt etc.. but that we'd get through it. I told his girlfriend that she is a better woman than I cause I would have kicked him to the rocks already. I hugged them both then we had to confront dad. It is really since then that I have developed the difficulty and since hearing about the abortion. I can hardly look at him. I can't speak to him. I'm disgusted, beyond disappointed and I'm heartbroken. I feel like he made me look like a fool, like he had me fooled- thinking he was this amazing could-do-no-wrong young man, everyone telling me how lucky I am and what I good mom I must be because of how awesome he is. But now I question everything I thought I knew. As we approach mother's day- I feel so undeserving of celebration. Where did I go wrong? We always talked and had a very trusting relationship. I was always open with him about life and sex, especially because of him having a girlfriend. Him getting her pregnant would have been one thing- but what kind of young man cheats on his high school sweetheart, sneaks a girl into his parent's home, takes her virginity, and gets her pregnant?!?!?! My husband keeps telling me I didn't do anything wrong but I can't help but think I did?! And then I feel selfish because I am dreading the embarrassment of facing everyone with a baby and not "their" baby- but his and some random 15-yr-old girl's baby. This leads me to my final plea for help, and I know this is already so long and it is probably rambling on, making no sense. but- I am in a dark place for these new thoughts in my head. Since the girl announced her decision to abort, a part of me, a small hidden part I never knew existed, felt relief. This upsets me tremendously. As a product of a near abortion myself and a God-fearing woman, I am against all means of abortion and it sickens me to my core. So- how can I feel relief?! That is so wrong! My stomach is cinched up so tight, I'm a mess.

I know my son is having a hard time with this too. I can see it all over his face. And I'm sure my coldness to him since then isn't helping. But I don't know how to get passed it? How do I trust him again? How do I forgive him for taking advantage of our trust? How do I reestablish my all-love and respect view of him? HOW?! I miss him already because we talk and laugh everyday but not for the last 3 days. I know I have to get over this but- it is soooo hard! And with mother's day being tomorrow- how can I accept presents and thank yous after this? All I will be thinking about is how I failed him, his girlfriend, this young girl and this unborn child.

I'm a wreck as it is so I really hope people are kind in their responses. I know my son needs me right now and I'm pushing him away. I know this is wrong but that is why I am here. I need help. I need words of advice and support.

Thank you so much for listening and for your help.

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Denikka - posted on 05/11/2013

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You have every right to feel as you do. All the hurt and anger, it is a betrayal of trust.

But, I would like to point something out. The timing on this seems very suspicious to me. From your post, my understanding is that she was less than, or roughly 2 weeks along when she told your son she was pregnant. It makes me highly suspicious that she would know so soon. Implantation occurs 6-12 days after conception. The earliest you could possibly test would be 1 weeks along, but most women, let alone 15yr old girls, wouldn't even think to test before they missed their period. Not to mention that the tests that are sensitive enough to detect pregnancy that early are the more expensive ones. It's much more likely that a younger girl would use a cheaper, and thus less sensitive, pregnancy test and so wouldn't know until well after their missed period. (4-5 weeks after conception)

So I would personally think that this girl either wasn't as virginal as she told your son and she was in fact impregnated earlier by some other guy and now wants your son to believe it was him, or it may also be a case of a woman scorned and she is not actually pregnant at all and is now lashing out at him in the most hurtful manner she can think of. In either case, having an abortion plays nicely into her favor, because then there is no proof either way.


Beyond that though, you still deserve to have a nice mothers day. You haven't failed. Your son made a bad decision. He knew the consequences. You cannot live his life for him and you cannot keep him on a single small path. He has to make his own choices. You can only hope that they are informed choices and he makes the best one possible (which may not always be YOUR definition of what's best).
You equipped him with information, and that's all you can do. The choices that he makes are up to him, especially since he is almost an adult now.
It will take time to get over this hurt. It will take effort on both of your parts. He needs to show that he can be trusted, and you need to let him show that he can be trusted. Talk as much as you and he need to. He's going through pretty much the same thing you are. He knows he's made a mistake and he's owned up to it. Now it has to be a joint effort to heal. You both (you and your son) need to forgive your son for his mistake and do whatever you can to make whatever silver lining out of this situation as you can.

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First, I don't really understand why everyone is questioning the girl's pregnancy. Conception is most likely to take place right around the time of ovulation. Ovulation, regardless of the length of a woman's cycle, happens about 2 weeks before menstruation. And sensitive pregnancy tests can detect within a day or two of a missed period. So I don't think 2 weeks is farfetched at all. It would be different if your son was denying having sex with the girl, but he admitted he did, so there's not much point in questioning.

As for you, it's normal and OK for you to be upset and disappointed. Yes, you should be working towards forgiving and rebuilding the good relationship you have had with your son. And you should be proud of him for telling the truth and being willing to take responsibility. However, it's a good adult lesson that while honesty is good, it doesn't change your mistakes. He made a very big mistake. One that may be life-changing for him, for his girlfriend, and for the girl he had sex with. That doesn't all go away just because he admits what he did. He needs to give everyone some time.

As for the abortion, I am pro-life, but I could still see myself feeling some relief the way you do. I can also understand why you feel somewhat guilty about the relief. I don't know what to say to fix that, except that you have no control over this. No matter how you feel, that decision is up to the 15 year old mother of the baby. No one else gets a say - not you, your son, her parents, no one. Your feelings change nothing anyway, so just try to move on.

I hope your son has learned a lesson about taking precautions, sneaking around, and loyalty. I hope that the two of you will be able to rebuild your relationship. And I hope that the young mother makes a decision she will be able to live with. Good luck.

Sarah - posted on 05/12/2013

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I am so sorry for you and your family at this difficult time. I wonder if you are able to take anything positive about this at all. You and your son have a trusting relationship and he came to you and you were there when he needed you. He offered to look after the child. He knows he made a mistake and is willing to accept the consequences. That does not sound like you failed him to me. You raised a son who can ask for help when he needs it but will man up and admit his mistakes. And it is HIS mistake. We all make them, his was a little bigger than most and I am certain he regrets it. Maybe you can talk to him about how he thinks that he can build trust with you. Make it his responsibility but offer to help him with it. Maybe take him to the movies where you don't need to talk but can just be together.
I hope you can begin to heal as a family and my prayers are with you
Best of luck

Maria San - posted on 05/17/2013

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Just know that this is not the first time this has happened to a family. You are not alone. Your son didn't do this to betray you or because he didn't have good guidance from you. He did it because he is a young man with sexual urges and a brain that hasn't fully developed and wasn't thinking about consequences. He is human. Of course you are angry, but you will get past it. You cannot change what has happened, but you can give him good guidance about what to do next. Unfortunately, you cannot control what the girl does about her pregnancy. You can speak with her parents and see if you can come to an agreement on how it should be handled. If you haven't already, you should have a good discussion with him about his future sexual activity, making sure he understands abstinence or using protection.

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Okay ... so is this girl actually pregnant? Because 2 weeks is really early to tell unless her was supposed to happen really soon. And any pregnancy test she took if her period wasn't suppose to start wouldn't come back accurate. Girls say they are pregnant to freak the guy out a lot, I've seen it happen. And they say they are getting an abortion because they aren't really pregnant all for the drama.

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Jacque - posted on 05/12/2013

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Thank you Evelyn, Denikka, Sarah, and Whitney so much for your support and advice. I thought the same about the truthfulness of the pregnancy, however, what if it was near her menstruation time at the time if the event. In that case, she could have been late just a day or two after. It's been many years since I've used a pregnancy test but aren't they pretty accurate and able to detect early pregnancies these days? This is definitely a twist and there isn't anyway to know the truth, especially, as you mentioned, if she's chosen abortion. So hurtful.

On the flip side, My son made effort to reach out to me today, I broke down as he expressed his pain and wishing to go back in time. I think we might begin our healing after all.

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