Anyone having issues with a disrespectful 13yr old daughter who think's it OK to Beat On & Hit Their Mother like MINE DOES?!

Elisa - posted on 01/31/2014 ( 32 moms have responded )

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I am 44 and have a 13 year old daughter who's behavior is WAY OUT OF CONTROL. When she DOES NOT get HER WAY or you say something she doesn't like, or have to repeatedly tell her to do something over and over, she WILL and HAS physically attacked me and leaves bruises. When threatening and taking away thing's DON'T WORK and your AFRAID to even SPANK when the Kid's today KNOW they can tell ANY ADULT/TEACHER/ETC and they know ALL ABOUT CPS and how to use it to hold over their parent's head's, WHAT DO YOU DO??!! HELP!!

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AnotherAnnieTX - posted on 02/01/2014

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Seriously, you need to be the adult. My kid pushed me too far once, and I made her grab a suitcase and pack everything that was important to her and put it in the car. She was kept asking me why, and where was she going? I told her that I wasn't sure yet, but she obviously couldn't stay here any more because I won't tolerate being treated badly in my own house. I told her to get her bags into the car. ASAP, and she was kicked out of her room and had to sleep on the couch until I made a decision about where she was going. I ordered some brochures about boot camps for problem children. They came in a few days, and I conveniently left them lying around in plain view. I let her overhear me talking to my parents and siblings over the phone as I recounted her behavior and asked if they would take her - no one wanted her, even when I offered to pay up to $600 a month for her upkeep! My daughter was a liar, a thief, and a cheat. She was not physical like your daughter, but no matter. I needed to get her attention. For 2 weeks, those packed bags stayed in the back of my car. My daughter was so nervous - she was on her best behavior and was literally scared straight. At least enough for me to know we could finally get somewhere. She BEGGED me not to send her away, and I told her that she had to make a choice. She chose to work on her behavior and stay here with us (which was my real plan all along). And things didn't totally improve overnight, but it did start to improve, and things never got that bad again. We've been on a steady upward trend for 3 years now, and I am proud of the young woman my daughter is today.

Elisa - posted on 02/07/2014

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My 13yr old Daughter was doin better till yesterday. Had a hissy fit an put a nice hole in her bedroom wall. Now she'll be doing "more everyday chores" to pay to repair the damage and lost Cell Phone for a week!

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I was desperate about disrespect in my daughter recently! She hasn't been physically violent, but her words can really hurt.
First, I prayed. God answers desperate prayer. I highly recommend it.
I thumbed through Boundaries with Kids by Drs. Cloud and Townsend late one night. I was too tired to take in much from the book, but apparently prayer and the book did the trick, because I woke up knowing what to do.
My daughter wouldn't get up on time, so she lost her Kindle. She played my recorder in her room instead of getting dressed, so she lost that, too. She criticized her brother for spilling egg on the floor, so she had to clean that up. On it went, hour after unpleasant hour.
Around 2 p.m. I exercised, even though I was feeling miserable about our dysfunction. When I was done, I heard her playing violin in her room, and it was somehow sweet and different. She came downstairs and apologized.
Things have been a lot better. I am still ready to apply consequences for the slightest disrespect, though. She needs to know the boundaries are concrete.
I think she needed to know I was not going to budge. She was cornered, and she realized the only way out was to change her attitude.
With your daughter, i would take away everything she enjoys, every privilege, and take one moment at a time, requiring respect in every word and gesture. You'll have to go back to square one.
I don't know about the physical attacks, as I haven't dealt with that. I think if my daughter ever hit me, I would tie her hands up for an hour and make her sit on the floor! I would not let her up until she humbled herself and apologized.
The natural consequence is to lose the thing we misuse. She uses her physical freedom to hit someone; she loses that.
Kids need to know that our motive is their well-being. My daughter got that. She is much happier when I keep her boundaries firm. Bad behavior is a question about our love. They are asking for strong boundaries.
I hope that helps. Prayers for you!

Jodi - posted on 02/01/2014

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Good luck, Elisa. Make sure you are REALLY consistent every time, and she will get the message. Teens tend to push the boundaries and if they can get away with it, they keep pushing. Surprisingly enough, teens LIKE to have boundaries, and when they keep pushing and there doesn't seem to be any, they keep going until they find something. This may have been what has happened here. Having clear boundaries now, with consistent consequences will hopefully see her behaviour pulled back into line :)

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Elisa - posted on 02/02/2014

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Did some investigating on daughter's Cell Phone. Found some shady stuff, so now we have her blocked from accessing the Internet from her Cell Phone.

Elisa - posted on 02/01/2014

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This weekend My Daughter was sat down by me and my husband and the Rules an Conseqences were made CRYSTAL CLEAR to her and we both WILL be following through. She's a great kid. This started with her last November when she turned 13. We just thought it was A PHASE, but apparently NOT since they don't last THIS LONG. So, the NEXT TIME she even THINK'S about raising a hand to me she WILL remember EXACTLY what the consenqueces are and what will be taken away from her for a lengthy period of time. So, onward and upward from here!

Jillian - posted on 02/01/2014

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Elisa sorry I just noticed that they don't have circle and pm spot anymore! :-( I want them back!

AnotherAnnieTX - posted on 02/01/2014

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Well! no offense, but she sounds like a spoiled brat. She is old enough to know to do those things for herself without you telling her. Maybe you need to stop doing things for her and force her to live with the consequences of her poor decisions. If it were me, I would stop doing things for her totally. Get absorbed reading a book and ignore her for a few days. Don't cook (for her - make sure everyone else eats, but "run out" of food before she arrives for her meal. Serve everyone else first and tell her to fend for herself), don't do her laundry. If she runs out of clean clothes, she can wash her own or wear dirty, wrinkled clothes. Don't tell her to shower or wash her hair - but do enforce regular bedtime. She will get herself up to shower or the kids at school will ridicule her into submission. Don't make her do her homework - let her fail. One grading period of failing marks is not enough to make her fail for the year, so don't worry about that. If she gets distressed, then maybe you can get her to sit down and have a conversation about what each of you need out of your relationship. You are the parent, and it is your job to teach her to become a responsible adult. Does she have a regular chore? Everyone should be responsible for a chore or two that benefits the whole house - without the expectation of an allowance or something in return at 13, dishes is a great chore. She can load/unload the dishwasher, and then if she does a half-ass job,or doesn't get it done, she can be grounded from the dishwasher and have to wash everything by hand. My daughter was horrified by that at 13! Just know this - her attitude is not uncommon for her age. That doesn't make it okay, and it WILL pass, but she doesn't appreciate you right now, and you have to think of some creative ways to get her attention. Best of luck!

Elisa - posted on 02/01/2014

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AnotherAnnieTX, she target's ME because I am the one who is constantly on top of her about getting Homework done early, Chores done daily, shower and hair washed early, and in bed with light's out by 10:30p.m. during the school week. So, she resent's it and takes it out on ME.

AnotherAnnieTX - posted on 02/01/2014

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OP - she either resents you, is angry with you, or thinks you are weak. Any idea which it is? FYI - my mother used to be physically abusive to me, and by the time I was 13, I used to hit her back because I felt I needed to defend myself, and also, I was bigger than her and didn't have to take her crap. But that experience is not typical.

You have to find out why she is targeting you and deal with that. Also, if she thinks CPS is so great, you might have her read some stories about children taken into custody. Then give her the number. Or alternately, call the police and have them throw her ungrateful ass in JDC for a while on assault charges if she gets physical with you. Do NOT let her behavior go unchecked.

Jodi - posted on 02/01/2014

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Look, the point I am trying to make is about CONSEQUENCES. I didn't say that taking things away was necessarily the best consequence. I said that you CAN discipline without hitting a child, and in all honesty, if you have to spank a 13 year old, then you have run out of tools in your toolbox and probably should seek some professional help, because spanking a child this age DOES NOT WORK.

You take away phones, computers, whatever, and it doesn't work. Fine, take away EVERYTHING that is not a necessity and DO NOT GIVE IT BACK. How quickly does she normally get things back? What are you taking away? What about going out with friends? Have you tried rewarding the POSITIVE behaviour - surely she isn't a monster all the time.

If she is physically assaulting you, she possibly needs professional help. Has she ever seen a counsellor? What are the circumstances surrounding her raging at you?

Believe me, hitting her is NOT going to help you. By all means, you go ahead and try it, but don't come crying here when you try it and it backfires.

Elisa - posted on 01/31/2014

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I live in NY and we are Italian and my parent's were Old School Italian. We stepped out of line, we got our butt's kicked not to hurt, but to teach a "lesson" and those lesson's were quickly learned and rules were followed, respect was given to all including our parent's, and boundries were never crossed twice, we obeyed "all" rules, and we Survived and became better people because of it! It didn't kill us. My parent's may be Old School Italian, but they are very bright, smart adult's with great job's and make decent salary's. Jodi, taking thing's away doesn't work. Been there/done that. You get the classic, "Yeah Whatever or I don't Care, and the F You's and I Hate You, and I hope you Fin Die reply's" which is EXACTLY the reply's I get from Her. I have a severe lower back injury I sustained in 07, and oh boy let me tell you when she comes after me in one of her "rages" holy monkey nut's she know's EXACTLY where to hit & strike!

Jodi - posted on 01/31/2014

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I just want to add that discipline CAN take place without physical altercation too. I don't spank/hit my kids, but they know where the line is because of the very consistent consequences that I have in place. It isn't about spanking, or yelling, or anything else. it is about consistency and clear consequences. Not spanking does not equal no discipline, but many people don't have the tools in their toolbox to know what else to do. They are worried to spank their child for fear of being judged, but have no idea of alternative ways to cope with it. Boundaries and clear consequences are hugely effective.

You're right - threatening doesn't work UNLESS YOU FOLLOW THROUGH. Threats are just threats. Kids don't respond to that unless you are consistent with an appropriate consequence every time. Taking things away does work....you just have to know what privileges to remove. As an example, if I remove Nintendo or Wii privileges from my daughter (9), it seriously doesn't bother her. She is a creative child who will just move on to play with her lego, draw pictures, etc. However, if I tell her she can't have a playdate with her friend over the weekend, or give her additional chores, or make her clean up that mess I told her not to make, that hurts AND she pays attention. You need to try and find her "currency". What is it that she truly cares about?

Quite honestly, let her call CPS on you. Dare her to do it. I would call her bluff. But that's me.

With regard to the physical attacks, she has learned that you are afraid of her. She is using it. She has turned the power in this relationship to being in HER control. You are feeling unsafe, and you have the right to feel safe in your own home. I'd call the cops too.

Elisa - posted on 01/31/2014

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I live in NY and we are Italian and my parent's were Old School Italian. We stepped out of line, we got our butt's kicked not to hurt, but to teach a "lesson" and those lesson's were quickly learned and rules were followed, respect was given to all including our parent's, and boundries were never crossed twice and we Survived and became better people because of it!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/31/2014

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Well, actually, we did have CPS back in the day. In Wyoming it was D-Pass, and they could be called to investigate anything from allegations of abuse to truancy. Nothing's changed there. There's been agencies in place (in the US, at least) since the 1940's or so.

Part of the problem with the behaviour of "today's kids" stems from the parents being 'afraid' to discipline them from the beginning on. Most of the 'out of control' kids I see now had very little, or very lax discipline as they were growing up, so they learned that if they acted out, their parents would give in to them, rather than 'cause a scene'. I've found that parents who disciplined consistently, either with time outs & redirection, or more direct disciplinary action like hand taps and spankings, generally have kids who grow up respecting boundaries.

I'm not saying you have been a poor parent. These are just general observations from my years as an infant/child caregiver, a teaching aide, a university office aide, and a parent of 20 years. As they say, there's always one or two that don't fit the curve. Yours may be one.

Either way, you have to stand firm, and stay consistent. That's the only way to get the results you desire.

Elisa - posted on 01/31/2014

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I don't understand the behavior with kid's these day's. When we were kid's there was no CPS. We had rules and bounderies and the concenquences were made crystal clear to us. We were also told respect and was told what would happen if we disrespected our parent's. When those boundries were crossed and rules were broken we got our head's handed to us and afterwards made sure we NEVER made the same mistake twice. Never would it enter our heads to even think 'bout raising our hands to our parent's, cause WE KNEW we'd get our butts kicked 6 ways to Sunday OR our arm's broken. We NEVER had a teacher or another parent call Our Parent's for ANY REASON ever. This weekend my husband and I are sitting down with Our Daughter and making sure the rules and boundries in this house including respect and not putting our hands on anyone are Crystal Clear along with the concenquences she WILL GET when those rules and boundries are crossed and we are going to make sure we Stick To It. Enough is enough. I am no punching bag for anyone especially my own child. Period.

Elisa - posted on 01/31/2014

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Jullian, just tried. Didn't see anything that say's add to circle on your profile.

Jillian - posted on 01/31/2014

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Elisa all you do is click on someone and go to their profile and there will be something that says add to circles and underneath that, private message. Hope that is helpfull!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/31/2014

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How do the cops help? They arrest her for assault.

Since you said she physically assaults you constantly, that's the next step. Then, the judge can order counseling, and she'll have to comply or go back to jail.

Jillian - posted on 01/31/2014

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My friends daughter did that before. You need to get a therapist and ask her what to do, then !take your daughter start doing it. If it gets REALLY bad and someone is REALLY hurt it might be time to talk to the cops and see what to do. Whatever you do DO NOT GIVE IN. If you wish to talk more about teens private message me.

Elisa - posted on 01/31/2014

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I don't see HOW callin the Cop's would STOP the behavior or just make it WORSE.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/31/2014

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So call the cops.

Its called tough love.

Elisa - posted on 01/31/2014

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When I get more Firm with her an taking privledges she comes after me hitting harder.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/31/2014

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Well, you get more firm.

The only things that a parent is required to provide a child are: A roof. A bed. basic clothing. Basic hygienic necessities. Food.

Nothing needs to be expensive, nothing needs to be 'top of the line'. Nothing needs to be name brand.

That computer that she's got access to? Not anymore. That television? Nope. Phone? Nope. Going out with friends? Nope.

All of those are privileges to be enjoyed by those who understand the basic dynamic of respect for yourself and others, and how to treat others correctly. And, since she understands "all about" CPS...She understands that they can remove HER from the situation into controlled care if she becomes a threat. So, the CPS thing goes both ways there.

Chet - posted on 01/31/2014

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Has your daughter been physical like this with anyone else?

Did this just start, or has she always be prone to hitting people?

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