At what age do you think a teenager should be able to cut off visitation

Rita - posted on 10/14/2011 ( 6 moms have responded )

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(and all other communication) with the Non-custodial parent?? I know the legal age is 13 in California but when is OK to allow them to make such a permanent decision. Especially when you know the other parent is not abusive and you think your child may regret their decision later. My daughter (she is 14) wants to cut off her father because he is a Jerk... those are her words..... She comes home from every visit crying and upset... and never wants to go.... we have tried counseling and I have talked to her and her father together and separately. I am not sure if I should support her decision or not.

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Tammy - posted on 02/20/2013

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Being the parent of 3 n step parent of 2 I can tell you we can love our kids to our own graves! I'm not saying she may not have legitimate issues (heck they may not have to do with dad- it could be a neighbor by him, a boy she likes that lives by him, or other kids not involving her) or it can be dad n her are to much alike. U had a kid with this man is she like him. Or maybe u n her r alike n they r butting heads. Now 1 of my issues was when my kids where younger (exspeacily) my step kids) they loved the structure of bed time, dinner etc being at the same time. So they wanted to be with me all the time. But as they got in the Tweens or my stepson is 9 n allowed more gaming then I would ever allow! They would rather be at dads house! Where they control bed time n what they do. So it may just be that. But maybe he is in her personel space to much or she feels uncomfortable. I'm 41 n I still can't go in front of my dad in a bathing suit or in pjs or things. There wasn't any issues as I was growing up I just don't feel right. N one thing moms forget is when your body is changing you conflict with so much n maybe it's just that n hormones. I would try to talk to her but teenagers don't like to talk but I have a Freind my kids will open up to everytime. ( it's weird to think they can open up to one of my friends but not me, but a lot of time they want to talk to mom or dad n it's not comfortable so they know (in my case) they tell my Freind she tells me n then it's out in the open n usually not as big of a deal as it seemed on either end. I hope some of this helped!

Angelique - posted on 10/15/2011

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If she is 14 she knows her feelings, and what hurts her. I wouldn't put my child in a situation that stresses her/him constantly. If its just basic discipline she doesn't like then that's different, but if he's really an idiot why subject her to stress? It could cause problems with her schoolwork or behavior!

User - posted on 10/15/2011

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Have you talked to the dad about the daughter being upset. It could be something she is only saying or doing to make you happy, if she thinks it pleases you. Has she heard you say things abou the dad? But also know that teenagers can be emotional and all the rest when things are not done the way they think they should be done. Is she wanting more time spent on her and not his work? Does she want to go places and there is no money and being told no. Is dad happy to sit at home and watch tv, when she is wanting to go to the movies or the mall. There are alot of things. Even being away from her friends. Or the back and forth may remind her of when you two were together and it makes her upset to realize that isn't so anymore. I would have her talk to her dad, it could be an easy fix. Maybe he doesn't realize something he does or doesn't do upsets her. Maybe his rules at his place. I agree with below that its up to her to tell him if she doesn't want contact. If you do it, he may think its you cutting contact and could bring up problems. Also it should be her, since she is growing up, and will need to learn how to relate to her dad as an adult. Good luck on it all.

Denikka - posted on 10/14/2011

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I would say support her.
You should stay in contact with her dad though, just so you know where he is and how to get in touch with him, maybe send pictures for him with small updates.
Just make sure that she is fully aware of what the consequences could be.
She should also be the one to tell him and why.

What I would do is to get her to write a letter to her dad. Tell him what she's upset about and what she needs from him. Then give him a time limit, maybe a month or two. Continue on as normal until the time limit is up. If he hasn't changed or improved, then go through with cutting contact. If he HAS changed or improved, your daughter will be much happier.
Leave the option open for your daughter to reestablish contact when and if she chooses to. But it's really not fair to force a relationship that makes her miserable. Give him a chance to make things better, but if he doesn't, it should really be her choice at this age.

Marla - posted on 10/14/2011

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Rita,

What is he doing that she is so upset? Is he being strict? You said that he is not abusive and you have tried to help them reconcile so you must not think he's a bad person right? So, I guess the real question is why?

My son had a similiar situation with his biological father. I know how they both are so I spoke to his father and tried to give him some advice. I let him know that what he was doing was wrong as a parent and if he didn't nock it off he was going to lose his son. But, I wouldn't condone it. It would have to be a decision my son made completely on his own. Reason being that I never wanted either to say it was my fault that they didn't have a relationship. Don't get me wrong, if his dad was hurting him in a way that I felt was detramental then I would definately step in. But, if the man is not really harmimg her then try to keep the communication open for them. I realize she might not want to see him now however, their will be a day that she wants her daddy.

Becareful with this. It could turn around and hurt you later on if you make the wrong decision.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/14/2011

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With the...? The answer depends on who they want to cut of contact with.

If you are speaking of their non custodial parent, then the age that they can LEGALLY cut off communication and visitation is determined by the state that you live in (In the US..In other countries I don't know)

If it's something else, please elaborate

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