Can someone help me with this? (this is really long sorry)

Gabrielle - posted on 12/09/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )

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ok so here is the situation, I have been dating and living with my now fiancé for almost 2 years now, and in this time we have had some very serious issues with our children. Now let me make this very clear I have 2 boys and he has 3 boys we do not have any children together. His oldest son is about to turn 14 next month, then his middle will be 12 and his youngest will be 8 right after that. My oldest will be 12 in a few days and my youngest will be 11 in about 4 months. So they are very close in age and I would think that they would have a lot of the same actions based on their ages being so close. My fiancé has been divorced for over 3 years and I had nothing to do with his divorce, I did not even know him at that point, but his ex wife is constantly saying things to the children and to me about how it is my fault that the boys father doesn't love them or take care of them or give them everything they want, and that it is my children's fault too because he is too busy giving us everything.

I will say that we both work full time jobs because we can not afford to keep our house and pay our bills if we don't due to the fact that we have to give her over $800 a month just in child support and then she is still calling us every week telling us the kids need something and wanting us to foot the bill for it instead of taking that money and getting them what they need. We give her so much money in fact that she does not have to work and most of the time does not. The only reason she even has a job right now is because we took her to court recently due to some really bad choices she has made regarding the children including an attempt at suicide while they were with us. So the reason I am going into all this background is to give some perspective on the fact that we do take care of them and give them a lot.

Ok so his children are extremely mean to my children, and when they start being ugly to them of course my children are ugly right back. It's not good and it's not nice, but that is the way it is. One of the last episodes of the just plain mean acts was just over the weekend the oldest boy (almost 14 mind you) decided 5 minutes before bed time that he would take a whole hand full of toothpaste, run into my sons room and wipe the whole thing all over his bed. No idea why he thought this was funny or a good idea or what was going on in his head. My son was of course very upset with this and instead of doing something back came and got me. I was understandably pissed off that as my son is trying to get in bed this older child starts his stupid garbage and when I said to him that this was just men my guy actually yelled at me in front of this child, that since he isn't allowed to yell at my kids I was not going to get on to his. I quickly let him know that if my kids were doing something that directly affected him I knew good and well he would go ape shit. This was just the last thing that just one of my fiancés children had done to just one of my children over the weekend.

The oldest child is so bad that I have actually told my fiancé that he is never allowed back in my house again. If he wants to see the child and spend time with him that is fine, but he is going to have to go there because after one of the last times the child was here he told his mother that I assaulted him in a parking lot and she of course called the police and tried to have me arrested. Which did not happen because the child was simply as always trying to cause trouble. He was just angry because he had brought his mothers tablet with him to our house and told his father that he would share with all the kids in the house if he could bring it and when he got there he refused to let my two boys even see it so he was told that since he was not living up to what he said the tablet was going to be put away and given back to his mother and he couldn't play it anymore. Which made him mad because he wasn't getting his way so he made up a story to try and get back at me.

The middle child is also a huge problem, he has become physically aggressive towards my children going as far as attacking my oldest son two weekends ago. The boys were outside playing with some of the neighbor kids and this child wanted to start some trouble between my oldest son and one of his friends that he goes to school with and plays with every day. When he couldn't get the two of them to fight he attacked my son who was trying to come inside to get an adult to make him stop. And to top it off when we all got outside to figure out what the heck was going on he lied and said he didn't do any of it, which the other kids that were there said was not true and that he had started it, then he thought he could stand in the yard and yell and scream at me telling me how much he hates me and how he wishes I was dead or that I had never met his dad.

The youngest is the worst of them all! He steals my kids things, breaks them, hides them, and just in general tears their things because he is so jealous of everything. Since my kids are older I let them pick out their own Christmas presents, they can't have them early, but I let them tell me which ones they want so that I am sure to get what they like. Now please don't read that like they get everything they pick out, I let them show me what they like and I just pick a few out of all of it and that is what they get. For example this year they both said they would really like to have an xbox so I got them an older model xbox360 on black Friday. While I was at work on Sunday the kids were all playing with the playstation and my boys mentioned that they were pretty sure I was getting them an xbox for their big present for Christmas this year. The two youngest of my fiancés boys ran to him crying that my kids were getting an xbox and they weren't going to get to play it and it wasn't fair that they would get something. My fiancé actually came to my job to confront me about it.... yeah I was seriously pissed. To top that one off all three of his kids went home to their mom that evening and cried and said they didn't like that my kids were getting an xbox and why wasn't their dad getting them one for their moms house? She actually had the nerve to call him and scream at him that he wasn't a good dad and that he didn't take care of his kids and that if he would stop spending all his money on me and my "damn kids" and stop drinking so much that he would actually be able to take care of his kids the way he is supposed to. Seriously! First off we do take care of them and we don't drink hardly ever because we don't have the money to go out and do that kind of thing paying her so much.

The first thing his oldest son said to him on Saturday morning (after he ate breakfast twice at the house and then said he wanted McDonalds too which he got) was so dad what are we going out to do today? You should take the three of us out to see a movie. Now remember I have already said this kid can't come back to my house and he hasn't been here in about 2 months, but since my fiancés parents came to town (first time I've met them) I didn't stand up for myself and make him take the child back. (which I am now thinking was a huge mistake) Oh and back to the 3 breakfast thing, he had his first breakfast and when he saw that he and his brother had not finished off the box of sausage biscuits and my son had just asked if he could have one he ran back in the kitchen and took every last one and ate them for his second breakfast. Which has been a problem with him since day one and his dad doesn't want to stop him from doing it. He doesn't want to get on to him for anything because he says I am going home and not coming back. Which has rubbed off on the other two children as well and as soon as anyone gets on to them for their behavior they start crying and screaming take me home I'm never coming back!

My oldest son has recently asked to start living with his dad because things are so bad when they are in our house. My fiancé and I fight the whole time they are here, but as soon as they are gone everything calms down and goes back to being great. I thought I could handle every other weekend and just grin and bear it, but it is getting to the point that I can't even stand to be in my own house when they are here. I tried to book a hotel room for the weekend this past weekend because they were so bad. My oldest son has started staying with his dad half the month now and my younger son asks every time they come if he can go stay at a friends or with my sister because they are so mean to him. I really don't know what to do. I love my fiancé, and when his kids aren't in our house he is so wonderful to me and my boys, but as soon as you put those three into the mix it's like he becomes a totally different person. I tried moving our family farther away from them and it helped for those during the week problems, but so far it hasn't done anything for the weekend visits. What do I do? How do I make this better?

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Elisa - posted on 12/10/2013

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First off you fiance has to learn to control his kids I know he feels like he has abandoned them but he hasnt and when his ex wife calls him up with issues concerning your boys he should tell her that you work and they are your children not hers and are allowed to buy them something they wanted for Christmas. Also it is none of her business what you do with your money for your children as long as he is paying his child support and taking care of his kids. He just needs to put some kind of guide lines here and if they want to throw a fit and say they are not going to come back fine let them. After awhile they will learn that they cant get what they want. I know how hard this will be but why should you and your children suffer for something that he needs to get control of especially since you cant say anything to them.

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