caught 18 yrs old son smoking pot in his room

Lora - posted on 09/24/2009 ( 18 moms have responded )

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Our son is a senior now. The first time he was busted was at school his sophmore year and as a result was expelled. He attended the rest of the year at an alternative correctional type school in order to return to school the next year. Since then my husband and I have busted him numerous times for using. Each time we discipline him, but I think we've been too easy. Yesterday was the first time that we have caught him doing it at home, in his room with his friend while his little(13yr) brother was in the next room. I'm about at the last straw with him. This morning we took his car keys, cable, x-box and phone away, and even took his bedroom door off. We told him he can earn his things back within 2 weeks but that he is grounded from friends for 30 days. He is talking about leaving but doesn't have a job and I don't want him to move out on bad terms like that. I'm hoping we can get through to him. He doesn't think smoking pot is a big deal except that it's illegal. My husband and I are both recovered alcoholics/ drug addicts who quit before our kids were born and have told him that we know the path he's on leads only to bad things. I'm so scared for him, he's in complete denial and I don't want to see him get hurt. Any prayers, support, encouragement and godly advice would be greatly appreciated.



Lora

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Diamond - posted on 11/14/2011

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WOW...alll of this over pot..just because its illegal? No offense but its kind of a joke when people label things as 'ssooo bad' because its illegal. Do you have any idea why pot is illegal? If it were legal it would f*ck over pharmaceutical companies because pot would be sold by people out of the pharmacy companies. No way in hell is it ever harmful if used in moderation and it is way safer than alchohol..which is legal. People are very mislead when it comes to pot and they cant help but be brainwashed in those ridiculous propaganda commercials that the government issues on tv. Be thankful hes just smoking pot and not drinking all the timwhich leads him gettin into fights, goin nuts, driving drunk..making stupid..and I mean REAL stupid choices. My father lways told me he would rather see me smoke pot than drink and I understand why, there are bigger consequences when drinking. Oh well,at least he gets the munchies and relaxes on pot. Take it easy on him, please

Missy - posted on 02/04/2013

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No offense to your opinion, but I DISAGREE! If it is illegal, then it's ILLEGAL! I did my share of drinking to ease the pain from emotional problems and all it did was lead to MORE bad decisions. (I am alcohol free for YEARS now). I did not smoke pot. Pot DOES alter the mind, reflexes and thought pattern, therefore making it dangerous. Yes, there are prescribed drugs, legally mind you, that do the same thing, but it is up to the doctor and patient to regulate them and follow warnings. I will NEVER advise my son that one drug, including alcohol, is better to use than the other and has less effects on the mind. I have horrible problems with my son, 19, and it is so heart breaking. He uses all the arguments of "it shouldn't be illegal, it doesn't make you drive badly, blah, blah, blah, but guess what...he NO LONGER has a vehicle. So, to say "Be thankful he is just smoking pot", does not work for me. I'll be thankful when he can think straight, take care of himself, and find a future for himself. I will not be around forever and he shows no interest in believing that.

Joan - posted on 11/14/2011

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Lora,
Your post was about 2 years ago.... Would you be willing to share the outcome of this? We are doing the same thing with our 18 year old daughter, and I would love to learn from others' experiences... what TO do, what NOT to do. I hate that is would be at your expense, and truly appreciate any info you could share.
Heartfelt thanks,
Joan

Rhonda - posted on 09/26/2009

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We went through this exact same thing last year with 18 year old daughter. She went from being a honor student to barely graduating in June. She even argued that pot wasn't a gateway drug, it should be legalized, blah, blah, etc...She was raised in church and had always been faithful. Her entire personality changed. We took everything away also. I didn't really change anything. What started her change was one evening when we were fighting about it and she ran off. I decided I had had enough this time. When she called the next day and asked to come home, I said no. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I told her if she couldn't be trusted anymore and wasn't going to live by our rules, then I didn't want her to come home. She agreed later on in the day and came home. It was rough for awhile but she has made a 180. I prayed every day and trusted in God knowing she was his child too. She has stopped smoking pot and actually passed several drug test since she was thinking about going into the air force. Just pray every day, take one day at a time, and do the best you can do.

Judy - posted on 09/29/2009

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Dear Lora, Wow...i dont know where to begin. I understand your concern for your son. I have mixed feelings when it comes to marijuana. I think at 18 the big picture is this: #1. How is he getting pot without a job? He needs a job period!! That will occupy a lot of his time AND when he has to work his butt off for money he might not be so willing to spend it on pot. #2. He has to know that he lives in your home and has to follow the rules, PERIOD! If he wants to smoke pot you have to be firm it is not allowed in your home or around his 13 yr old brother. Otherwise, let him move out. He will realize this ol' world isn't too forgiving. You are doing all the right things as far as discipline. Hang in there! It could be worse things he's doing. I'll be praying for you! :)

18 Comments

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Mary - posted on 10/15/2009

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Pray for him ask the Lord to take the desire of smoking away from him.

Darlene - posted on 10/14/2009

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Don't give in... be firm and show him who is in control. Your house your rules! My 13 yr old son (my baby, my angle, who did no wrong) stole me debit card - wrote down the number, and returned the card to my wallet. He was even smart enough to open a new email account through Yahoo so I would see the receipt emails of things he purchased online. He spent several hundred dollars over a 5 month period before I caught onto his scheme. Needless to say he lost everything, had to do hard labor in the yard (digging etc) every day after school and was grounded from everything for 5 months (the same amount of time he stole from me). We made it hurt so that he would never steal again. We talk to our boys all the time and we make it very clear that we will NOT take any shit, no drugs, no stealing etc. We make them aware of our rules and aware of the consequences if the rules are broken. I would get him into drug consulting right away no if and or butts and I would also have him tested regularly to make sure he isn't doing it behind your back. I believe that too many parents today give everything their kids want to them on a silver platter and don't make them work for anything. It's tough, we all want to spoil our kids but there are drawbacks to it. Sounds like your on the right path by taking everything away, stick to it and DO NOT GIVE IN TO HIM BY ANY MEANS... Make him earn his way back. My oldest son had a problem with lying to me and I kept telling him that "you can lock thinks up when a theaf (spelling) comes into your house but you can never trust a lair". I talk to him until I was blue in the face, he hated having talks but I drilled it into him in the car, at the table, before bed, all the time... I told him there will come a time when you want to do things and if I don't trust you then you will not be able to do anything. In your case your son is already 18 so that is tougher. He could move out and if he chooses that path you have to be ready to let go and not give into him. Personally I would probably go after my son and drag him home if he ran off and would probably lock him up until he learnt to do it the right way. You have to be tough otherwise they will walk all over you, eventually you will earn their respect. Good luck!

Lora - posted on 10/09/2009

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Everything that was said here was so helpful, thank you. It's been 2 weeks since grounding and he has fought us the whole time. He still hasn't earned his door back because he's failing 2 classes and that was one of the conditions for earning it back being that he has no excuse for missing papers with all this time on his hands at home. Also, we decided to forbid him to have a job until his grades come up and he earns our trust back that he's staying sober. This is pretty much our last effort at leading him down the right path before he goes out on his own. Ultimately, the choice is his. I'm just hoping he makes the right one and if not, I hope and pray that he survives.

Thanks again for all your helpful advice.

Judy - posted on 09/29/2009

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Quoting Kimberley:

Lora.
If both of you are recovering yourselves then ask him not to smoke at home because it will effect your recovery...Let him know that it is an addictive behavior and you dont have that kind of control when its in your home...turn it around on you and off of him, and he may respond...stop telling him to quit because your going to drive yourself crazy...I personally think Pot is not anymore dangerous then alcohol...which can be serious if they get behind the wheel of a car...so let him know you dont approve, but if he is going to use then compromise and make guidelines..If stoned dont drive... stay where he is or call you to pick him up.. No questions...things like that...then once that pressure is off him then you will be able to communicate more therapeutically with him...he also may have an addictive personality..if so once he opens up more you will be able to give him advice..but you know that he will have to be the one to see his problem and until he sees it as a problem his behavior will not change...Its time for tough love and let him deal with the consequences of his behavior...the first step is to tell him you love him and your not going to ask him to quit anymore... its his life and you will be there for him, but your not bailing him out of the consequences of his behavior...try it and see how things go...its time for family conference at the dinning room table...


I agree. At the age of 18 your not gonna make him stop. But, the key word here is consequnces. He has to have consequences for smoking in your house and around his 13 yr old brother. He really needs a job at 18!

Melody - posted on 09/29/2009

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If that were my 18 yr. old smoking pot in his room, He would be put out of my house for sure, no ifs ands or buts point blank!!!!

Melody - posted on 09/29/2009

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Quoting Lora:

caught 18 yrs old son smoking pot in his room

Our son is a senior now. The first time he was busted was at school his sophmore year and as a result was expelled. He attended the rest of the year at an alternative correctional type school in order to return to school the next year. Since then my husband and I have busted him numerous times for using. Each time we discipline him, but I think we've been too easy. Yesterday was the first time that we have caught him doing it at home, in his room with his friend while his little(13yr) brother was in the next room. I'm about at the last straw with him. This morning we took his car keys, cable, x-box and phone away, and even took his bedroom door off. We told him he can earn his things back within 2 weeks but that he is grounded from friends for 30 days. He is talking about leaving but doesn't have a job and I don't want him to move out on bad terms like that. I'm hoping we can get through to him. He doesn't think smoking pot is a big deal except that it's illegal. My husband and I are both recovered alcoholics/ drug addicts who quit before our kids were born and have told him that we know the path he's on leads only to bad things. I'm so scared for him, he's in complete denial and I don't want to see him get hurt. Any prayers, support, encouragement and godly advice would be greatly appreciated.

Lora


 

Regina - posted on 09/27/2009

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Tough love-if your boy thinks he can make it on his own....let him go....he'll be back. Don't allow him to compromise your family's values.

2 weeks is not enough....indefinitely until he proves himself.
If he doesn't pay for his own cable, x-box, car and phone....maybe he should use his drug $$ to pay for it.

Kimberley - posted on 09/27/2009

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Lora.

If both of you are recovering yourselves then ask him not to smoke at home because it will effect your recovery...Let him know that it is an addictive behavior and you dont have that kind of control when its in your home...turn it around on you and off of him, and he may respond...stop telling him to quit because your going to drive yourself crazy...I personally think Pot is not anymore dangerous then alcohol...which can be serious if they get behind the wheel of a car...so let him know you dont approve, but if he is going to use then compromise and make guidelines..If stoned dont drive... stay where he is or call you to pick him up.. No questions...things like that...then once that pressure is off him then you will be able to communicate more therapeutically with him...he also may have an addictive personality..if so once he opens up more you will be able to give him advice..but you know that he will have to be the one to see his problem and until he sees it as a problem his behavior will not change...Its time for tough love and let him deal with the consequences of his behavior...the first step is to tell him you love him and your not going to ask him to quit anymore... its his life and you will be there for him, but your not bailing him out of the consequences of his behavior...try it and see how things go...its time for family conference at the dinning room table...

Shaunie - posted on 09/27/2009

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I took my son to Pathways which is a place for kids/teens who have drinking/drug addiction problems. I took him the first time I caught him drunk. We went 3 times. I asked the parents there if I was overreacting by bringing him there on the first offense. They all replied that they wish they would have done it at the very beginning and then perhaps a lot of heartache would have been avoided. He was pretty scared hearing other kids stories of jail, no where jobs, etc..

Lora - posted on 09/26/2009

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Yes, we are considering a counselor. He really respects the youth pastor at our church but I think he needs professional counseling as well. He is in complete denial that he has a problem and thinks that smoking pot isn't that bad. I've been putting him to work here at home. Yesterday he pulled grass out from around my vegetable garden today he's gonna clean all the ceiling fans. I'm also trying to encourage him to work out and think of positive goals he can accomplish. Thanks for yall's input.

Veronica - posted on 09/24/2009

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As a case worker in behavioral health let me say your not alone! And a very good friend of mine's son got into heroin. I never thought pot was a gate way to other drugs but I hear from kids themselves all the time. Have you considered getting him to see a counselor? I think a hard dose of reality is good for kids now a days like living on their own .it sounds like he has had it all (car keys, xbox, cable) and we seem to hand it to our kids these days...prayers to you and your family

Lora - posted on 09/24/2009

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Thanks Shana for sharing your story, it really helps to know that I'm not alone that other moms are trying to discipline their teens and not give in or give up on them.

Shana - posted on 09/24/2009

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My daughter was just caught having her first drink. We took everything she loves away from her. She can't even walk down the street alone and no friends are aloud over. I have her phone and computer. Her punishment is for a month. Most of the time I'm a push over.. but not this time. I'm standing firm no matter how much she screams. By the second week she just gave in. She knows that I mean what I say this time!! And I hope in the future she'll think of all she lost for breaking the rules and think twice the next time. I know we can't watch our teens 24-7 all we can due is stand firm on what we want their believes to be and pray they thank first! But I have noticed the older she gets the firmer I have to be. NO GIVING IN!! And praying sure helps!

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