Dad's girlfriend

LeAnn - posted on 01/25/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I have 2 children, 20yr old daughter and a 12 yr old son. The children's Dad has had a girlfriend for several years.I live in a city an hour away from them..I'm okay with the the girlfriend mist if the time but I'm not okay with the overstepping she seems to do. My daughter's first prom she took her out to pick out the dress. I talked to their Dad he of course didn't understand the problem. My daughter is in college and she is a President of her sorority. The girlfriend always posts on FaceBook " my stepdaughter" . That really upsets me. They're not married and she has grown children of her own. She does lots if things that allow her to act like their Mom. I have been to events where she has I introduced herself as kids Mom! I also have an older daughter by a different marriage who gave me a beautiful granddaughter. The girlfriend is always calling her , her granddaughter... I hate it!!! The last straw this week was the fact that she txted my son at school telling him to come back to his dads this weekend for her surprise birthday party for his Dad.. I too have a birthday this week and had friends plan a party for me. It was my weekend and he'd been to his Dad's 3 weeks in a row. She is always texting him , telling him she loves him. I'm glad she's trying to get along but it doesn't sit we'll with me. I really got mad about her texting him at school to change the weekend schedule. I believe she should have called me and asked. Then this weekend she proposed to the kids Dad without talking to them. They were so upset! I'm fine she can have my ex ... But she seems to know no bounds or respect me as their Mother. What do I do?

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Raye - posted on 01/28/2015

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If your ex is not yet married to this woman, she should not be calling herself step-mom, mom, or anything else as far as your kids are concerned. She is nothing to your kids until they get married, and then she would still have a secondary roll. I am a step-mom, and I'm saying this.

She should not take your daughter for her prom dress or do any other "firsts" or take away special events in your children's lives. Those are reserved for the natural parents unless the natural parents have refused such involvement.

I'm sure since she's raised her kids that she feels qualified to be a mom to your kids, but she should understand the difference that they are not hers and have respect for you as their natural mother. She should not be texting your son to make plans. She should speak through your ex, or (since it was supposed to be a surprise for him) she should speak directly to you. (Kids shouldn't have cell phones at school, but that's a different issue).

If she and your ex have decided to marry, then it's okay to let the kids know what they decided afterwards. There's no reason for them to have discussed it with them beforehand. If they've been together for several years, it can't have been completely unexpected. That is a personal thing between your ex and her and is really their decision, no matter what the kids feel about it.

It actually is a good thing to have a step-parent that wants to be involved with the children. You wouldn't want someone in their lives that mistreats them. It's kind of a double-edged sword for the real mom, and we step-moms have to try to balance on that edge without anyone getting hurt.

If you feel she's overstepping too much, talk to your ex and ask him to have her calm down a little bit. He probably won't understand the problem, and he doesn't have to in order to help keep the peace. Say that you realize she's excited about these special events, but that, as the kids natural mother, you should be given the opportunity to do these special things with your own kids.

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LeAnn - posted on 01/28/2015

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I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my dilemma. I didn't say this but the bday party was planned by my college daughter... The GF talked to my son about it, and everyone else too. I do think that was an inappropriate time to do it since the party was not her surprise in the first place. I do believe that co parenting is a huge issue and the kids do come first. I have sole custody rights to my son. But I always let my son see his Dad when he wants... Thanks so much😀

LeAnn - posted on 01/28/2015

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Thanks so much for your advice... I do want their marriage to work out because she will be with my son. I didn't tell this but the birthday party was planned by my college age daughter. Thank you again for your advice 😃

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