Daugher does not speak nor wants to see me

Allison - posted on 05/30/2009 ( 19 moms have responded )

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My daughter has not spoken to me in going on 5 years. she is 18 now and I have missed all her teenage life. She was ok then bam she just shut me out of her life. The pain is unbearable. All the times a mother should be there she never wanted me around. Now she is 18 and I never got to see her before her prom and graduation is next and I am not invited. The last email I got from her years ago was reasons that she was mad are just things that should just be forgiven and not reasons for shutting me out. I miss her every day and there is not a minute that goes by that I am not thinking about her. I guess I would like to know if there is any other Moms out there that have this experience and if their daughters ever came back to them. Her dad and I are still close and along with my ex inlaws. I just want her back and waiting is getting more and more difficult with each passing day. Though I can never say I can understand the pain of losing a child in death, it does feel like a loss but my child is still walking this earth.

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Heather - posted on 06/13/2009

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I can relate to this. My husband walked out on me and our daughters Thanksgiving Day 2006 for a woman he had been having an affair with. When I started dating again my 16 year old daughter had a fit. She felt I did not have a right to start living my life again yet it was ok for her father. Needless to say she the day of my divorce hearing June 12,2008 she moved out of my house and in with her father and now step-mother.She didn't like my rules or my boyfriend. Since she has been there I have missed out on Thanksgiving,Christmas,Easter,Mother's Day and let's not forget her Sweet 16. I have written letters to her telling her how much I love her and how much I would love to rebuild our relationship. Her father and step mother have cut me out of things I should be there for.I will never get her Sweet 16 back.

Margaret - posted on 06/17/2013

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OMGoodness. . .Your post is like an answered prayer. Here I am at home overwhelmed with guilt and sadness because I have lost my 16 year old son - basically he hasn't talked to me since he was 13 - was sent to Circle of Moms for the first time because of a Google link, and right off the bat I see your post.

I wish I had advice or words of encouragement. I don't. But the anguish in my gut that hits me every time I am missing something in his life that a mother should be a part of; lessened a little when I read your post. It is good to know I am not alone. It doesn't help the situation; it doesn't bring back the years he cut me out of, it doesn't bring reconciliation or healing or another chance - but gosh it is so good to know I am not the only one living with this loss.

Nadia - posted on 06/13/2009

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Dear Allison,
First step is that you have to believe its not late to fix your relationship with your daughter.
Your daughter has been dealing with so many issues during the past years, her feeling of being abandoned by you; children can not understand nor justify their parents actions, and not being able to deal with it.
You have to understand that she has been suppressing all her pain and having to rationalize what happened based on her view of things, its normal that she will be were she is right now.
You need a third party to interfere and start the communication between the two of you. But before doing that you have to deal with your own guilt and forgive yourself first, cause you will have to deal with all her emotional luggage that she will dump on you without any resentment, being defensive nor justifications.
It might be a rough road to take, but trust me with time you will have a daughter that will love and respect you.
Wishing you all the best and remember the key is to believe in it and to forgive yourself.

Allison - posted on 06/05/2009

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We did not have a falling out nor an argument, she just one day stopped talking to me and communication in any way. The things that I know are bothering her are minor and should be forgiven. I.e. Due to work I had to cancel a couple of weekends with her and small stuff like that. I know small stuff can add up but I made those times up to her. she has been lied to by my ex's wife and has heard conversations that are just not true. But she will not listen to me, it has been almost 5 years now since we spoke. I am still close to my Ex and his family..however they are afraid of Chelsea getting mad at them so they condone her behavior. I have told my ex that this is wrong and my therapist even agrees. She lives the life of Camelot and I am not financially secure. I sometimes wonder if she is just ashamed of me and that I work 2 jobs sometimes 3 to make ends meet. I really cannot say. I was in a relationship where she did not like the person I was with, I ended the relationship. I have sent her xmas, bday gifts and she rejects them all. Today she graduated and I sent her a card with money in it. I am curious if she will even open it. Needless the heartache is unbearable and I have done everything I could think of in the past. After much heartache I had to let her go and just pray that god will put forgiveness in her heart and realize that what she is mad about is trivial. I am not saying that if there was something I did that really hurt her is not important because it is, I just don't know what I could have done to be shut out like this. My mother walked out on me. my brothers and sister after she was told you can be a wife and mother or take the door, I saw my my wave goodbye and out the door she went...Well I forgave her and she was my best friend up until the day she died. My daughter has never encountered anything like that. I left my husband with the house I bought with the money I received from my mom's insurance and everything in it. Our divorce was my biggest mistake but I have to live with it. I did not cheat on him, let me make that clear. My daughter was told that I took everything. She was 6 when we divorced. I still had her every other week as I lived only 1/2 hour away. So that is just a part of what has gone on. As I have said I have handed her over to god and for him to plan the day she comes back to me. It is very painful and days I just do not want to go on. But I have to believe the day will come when she comes back.

Wilma - posted on 06/18/2013

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My children were taken by their father and alienated from me for almost 2 years. I had no contact with either one, and up and until the alienation I had a very close bond with my daughters. They lived in terror for 2 years. No one helped them DCF who I called to check on them - ignored it the guardian ad lidem ignored it everyone knew and looked the other way. But I still went to every school concert and sat in the back I went to their tae kwon do tournaments and stood there smiling - while my own children walked by me like I did not exist (cried later) and I forced us into reunification therapy which in our case was not helpful because there was alienation and abuse my kids did not really hate me. My ex husband was arrested and incarcerated for child molestation (someone elses child) and last year I was given my kids back and we have been real happy although my kids have issues from their father. Children do not just stop talking to a parent either someone has convinced them to or the child feels so utterly violated in some way - either way dont give up everything has a way of turning itself around somehow - someway. I know thats true when my my daughter cuddles up to me and tells me she loves me. 2 years ago I thought I would never see her again.

19 Comments

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Lnleh - posted on 01/27/2017

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This is the worst pain ever, the feeling of rejection by your own daughter. My heart hurts everyday. Mothers should not have this pain put on them.

Wilma - posted on 06/17/2013

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sounds like 2 different issues here - one where a child shuts a parent out and there is no apparent reason although there must be to one of the parties and on the other hand - parental alienation which should be a crime punishable with jail time in my opinion.

Teri - posted on 06/14/2013

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I feel your pain oh so well my Daughter and I have not spoken for 4 yrs now.Today is her 25th birthday and as usual I called her to wish her a Happy Birthday only to get her voice mail as I do on Christmas,Thanksgiving,Valentines etc....The sad thing about the whole thing,I don't have a clue why she refuses to speak to me this all came out of the blue,I pray every night that she will call me,and when she don't,its another let down,I find myself in tears half the time,my other daughter has tried to talk to her for me,yet she refuses,I cant think of anything that could be the reason for not speaking to me,I raised my two girls alone after I divorced their Dad,I went without a lot just to get them what they wanted and needed,I bought My Daughter's first car,I paid her bills when she couldn't I'm just beside my self in grief,she was my first born and I love her with all my heart as I do with my other children,

Selena - posted on 04/05/2013

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I can feel your pain. My daughter just shut me out of her life because her husband is very disrespectful and we feel he needs help. Its going on 4 months and as much as it hurts I have been trying to put it out of mind but cant seem to. I think I do fine but if someone mentions her name or asks about her I get bombarded with all these emotions. I miss her and the relationship we had as mother and daughter.

Sheryl - posted on 03/24/2013

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Hi Allison...This post is over 3 years old. I was wondering if you and your daughter ever reconciled? My situation is very similar. Thanks...Sheryl

Denise - posted on 06/11/2009

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she probley feels that you left her an her dad to have your own life an she is angry. after my divorce my daughter want to live with her dad an i fought it at first an then finally said ok. she stayed a year an even though it killed me i backed off an gave her the space. when she called or needed me i did what i could but never begged her to come home. then on her own she came back home. just give her space an let her come to you. she may think you will come back to her dad if she does this?

Dortea - posted on 06/08/2009

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I feel for both of you. Obviously you are both in pain and I agree with jude. You should find a mediator. This way your daughter will be able to explain her reason for cutting you off. I am sure the divorce, and you leaving the family, is the root to the problem. I hope, for the both of you, that you can solve the problem.

[deleted account]

At this point you need a mediator. The mediator has to be someone who's relationship she really values. She must want this person to like and respect her. The mediator has to focus on not what happened but just one question- what does she want to happen in order to make it better. The mediator has to explain to her that now she is an adult it is expected of her that she will act like one and in the adult world we deal with our problems, not run from them, hide from them, or ignore them. The mediator has to share an example in his or her own life that makes a connection. The mediator has to help her understand that internal peacefulness comes from clarity and completion. To acheive clarity all parties involved in any situation have to be truly heard (feelings and facts must be geniunely listened to). For things to be complete, there has to be not one more thing to say about it and one has to truly beleive that the other party really understood everything about it.



But I have to say that this kind of reaction is usually from something pretty big- not "just things that should be forgiven." Either there is something she is not telling you or you are not telling us.

Allison - posted on 06/07/2009

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No I did not walk out on them, my ex-husband and I talked about getting divorced. We sat down and though a little girl does not understand why parents divorcee we just did the best we could. I gave my Ex the house #1 cuz I could not afford the mortgage alone and #2 we agreed when I bought the house that this will be Chelsea's home one day if she wanted it when she got older. My Ex and I have stayed friends all these years and still to this day. This is how it started and maybe it will be better understood...5 years ago her Bday was in December (we were fine together) I bought her what she wanted for her Bday a digital camera. My ex brought her over for Bday and I had a cake and her presents. She opened her gifts and 15 minutes later she said Ok dad I am ready, I said honey I have a cake for you, she just said I am sorry mom, but Nana and Papa want me to go by there house. For her happiness I just told her Ok and to call me later. Xmas the same year..my ex and I did every other Xmas and still had xmas eve with the 3 of us. So it xmas and I got her everything she wanted, she opened her gifts and was happy with everything. I began to get snacks together and she said Mom, I don't feel like having any snacks Nana and papa want me to come over to have xmas eve with them. I asked her if there was a reason that she did not want to stay and told me no mom, I just want to get to Nana's. I told her I would call her Xmas day and although my heart ached. New years Eve 2005. I called her to wish her a happy New year as she wanted to spend New Years eve with her cousins. She did not pick up her phone, so I left a message. The next day I tried calling her and again she did not pick up. It was my weekend to have her again and she told her father to tell me that she is going to Vermont with her aunt and cousins. again I tried calling and she did not pick up. She sent me email a week later saying she was mad at me and did not want to see me or talk to me. Needless to say she had 3 reasons why and I could not believe what I was reading. They were small things that I like having to work and had to cancel a weekend with her when she was coming on weekends. Another was she said I talked trash about her family (her dads side) and I never did. I always asked how they were back then and now we are very close. She was told I took everything and left my ex with nothing..again not true. I tried to explain to her when I asked my ex to bring her and meet me to talk. I Ex even told her these things were not true. She did not believe it and left that day very angry at me. I still do not get what happened and as I have said each day that goes by I pray for her.

LISA - posted on 06/06/2009

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If I'm understanding you right, you walked out on your family, husband and kids. It doesn't matter how young she was back then, she's feeling the abandonment now and she's had 12 years of listening to everyone else tell her how to feel and what to think. I'm not saying this to be cruel but I think it's a bit much to expect her to understand what you did and just forgive and forget, which seems like what you want. You said yourself that your divorce was your biggest mistake and you have to live with it. The thing is you also have to live with the consequences of that mistake. Your honesty is remarkable tho. I could have said a lot more about my own life experiences but I'm not brave enough. I still think Chelsea will make contact one day.

[deleted account]

Did you have a fallin out? Or a big disagreement? prior to not speakin? Not saying this is your situation but I just know for me that my mom and I never got a long I was viewed as a mistake, my mother was on drugs, didnt have her life in order and When I wanted to live with my dad she made in difficult for us to have a relationship. So on that note ....I just know that something things arent always able to be forgotten,forgiven or whatever. as time went on I became a mom, got counseling and moved on. My mom still has her issues but I am numb to all of the past. We peak every s often but it cause mom stress than I need.
I wish you good luck, she is starting her adult hood give it time, dont push and she someday will come to terms. You have to bite your tongue I'm sure.

Toni - posted on 06/05/2009

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I am sorry you are going thru this. The only thing I could possibly recommend is writing her a letter, you might need to explain yourself, your actions and possibly apologize. Without knowing the circumstances it's hard to offer advice. The things that you may think should be forgiven may have a more profound effect on her. She may never come around, but that doesn't mean you have to stop trying.

Allison - posted on 06/05/2009

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Thank you Lisa, She knows I am here waiting and that I am here for her when she decides that she wants to come back to me. Today she is Graduating...it will be inside so I will not be able to go cuz you need tickets. I so hoped the weather would work my way so that it would be outside and I could be there. Letting her go was the hardest thing I could do. But I believe god has his plan for her and I and I wait for the day he brings her back.

LISA - posted on 06/04/2009

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I can't identify with this, but it just sounds like she is very immature. I think if you make it knowns that your door is always open, your phone is always on and you keep yourself approachable then one day she will come back to you. In the meantime, you have to let her go and make her mistakes. Good luck, Allison.

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