Daughter turned 18 and now doesn't speak to me

Alara - posted on 07/06/2013 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My daughter graduated HS two days before she turned 18. She has never been a bad kid, doesn't do drugs and is actually signed up to join the navy (shipping out for boot camp in Jan) but she has always hid things from me, lied and hung around people who just don't make good choices. She has snuck out of the house, has experimented with alcohol, etc and have always had trust issues with her. She does work and has kept a job for a year and a half and did buy a car from a friend of mine and once she paid the car off, we paid to get it running and I had to register and insure it in my name because it would've been way more expensive to insure it in her name. I only asked 3 things of her.. spend some time at home and help out around the house, be home by midnight and let me know where you are. Well she basically started taking full advantage of everything, I always had to text her to find out where she was, she didn't help around the house (take trash out, keep her room clean, etc nothing major) she came home at curfew but then I would find out from her sister that she would leave again once we went to bed. We got into an argument and I asked her to leave because she basically all but told me she was 18 and didn't have to listen to me, but I didn't kick her out, but I did get the car keys from her. My boyfriend tried reaching her, she turned off her phone and didn't come home that night. She spent 3 days just beaching it, hanging with friends and doing what she wanted then the night before she needed to be at work, she texted me 10:30pm telling me she was not coming home because she didn't want to fight but she was coming to get her clothes for work.I told her she had all day and a better time of day to come and she knew I had company in town as well. Showed up at midnight with a police escort (I guess to prove to me she had rights now) well next day packed up everything in her room. I was so hurt by all this I couldnt believe how she was acting and how disrespectful she became. When I left for work Monday morning she showed up at the house, her 15yr old sister brought all her stuff to the door and she took it. She has been gone 3 weeks and I have sent her texts about how much this is hurting me and she won't respond, she removed me from all social networking sites and although she has responded to me telling her I love her by saying she loves me too she has cut me from her life. It hurts really bad and now she is living with a 15 year old girl she "dated" in h.s. who is going thru gender transformation and even my daughter has admitted in the past that this girl has some major issues and is not at all a good influence whatsoever!! I know she is 18 but I am so hurt that she really has no care about how her actions are affecting our relationship. I don't know what to do, I am afraid she will do something stupid that will put her navy career in jeopardy or worse. How do you raise a child for 18 years believing they had a good head on their shoulders and they just decide they want nothing to do with you? We always had a pretty good relationship before this and I am scared that the same thing could happen with my 15 year old. I don't know what to do.. anyone else have a similar experience? Everyone says she will learn and she will have to figure it out on her own but its hurting me so bad. I don't necessarily want her to come back home because when she was home everyone had to walk on eggshells around her as not to "piss her off" and she was very unreasonable at times, and all she cares about is fun and getting her way. I dont have much support and those that do support me, she has cut out of her life also so there is no one that can talk to her about her behavior. I have considered trying to talk to her recruiter but figured he wouldn't be able to do anything even if he wanted to. Help??

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Joy - posted on 07/12/2013

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My middle daughter has always been very intelligent, but someone who's always lied, has poor judgement, not a lot of common sense and can be very impulsive. While my husband and I went to an early dinner on New years eve about 2 years came home and she had moved out and hasn't been back. The first 3-4 months were awful because she was not allowed to contact us. She moved into a trailer with manipulative, controlling girl and her mother. My daughter does all the housekeeping and the laundry. She is not only kept from us but also her high school and college friends. She no longer goes to the community college. They both seem to have trouble holding down a job partially be cause they both must work at the same place with the same hours. My boy crazy daughter has said she is gay. They got married almost a year ago. At this point she occasionally visits or calls but they they are always together, even on the phone.
One silver lining is that we are allowed to see her. I'm hoping and praying that one day my formally independent daughter realizes that she does not have to be controlled, that she can have friends and live her own life and make her own decisions and speak her mind. I'm praying that she finally can see how manipulated and verbally and psychologically abused she is.
I hope both our daughter can find their way back.

Lauren - posted on 07/11/2013

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She's not doing this to be rebellious or to hurt you. You need to remove your feelings from the situation. telling her how much she's hurting you is victimizing yourself. She told you she loves you! please, let her go until she's ready

Alara - posted on 08/12/2013

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Update, my daughter came home, Apology and all.. it was my birthday present I guess. She moved back home. Said she just wanted to experience life with no responsibility and 100% freedom which almost cost her a lot, including her navy career. Didn't get the car back yet, has a lot of trust to earn back but she has been doing quite well. Just wanted to let you moms out there know, don't push, don't try to contact, let them figure it out, they will eventually. Luckily she did have a good friend who helped her wake up a little and her sister pushed her away too so I guess once they realize it isn't so bad they come home.

Lauren - posted on 07/11/2013

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You guys! The reason your kids are dissapearing the moment they turn 18 is because they want to get away from you. Sometimes kids will count down to their eighteenth birthday and the moment they can get away from their parents. My guess is that you always have to be involved with everything she does. She needs space. She is a growing human being and all she needs is love from her mom, not antagonizing for past mistakes. Just tell her you love her, stop trying to find her or contact her friends. She'll come home when she's ready.

Lisa - posted on 07/22/2013

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Tamie, had similar situation. these people your daughter went to are really a problem. I had a similar problem. what right do these people think by thinking they are better for your daughter then you are??? I have to be honest and tell you I allowed it. some days I fought this other family who took my daughter as their own. other times. I just ran out of steam and let it go. I am a step parent as well as I have step brothers and sisters. I will say this from what I know....in the end. it is the biological parent that will win. I believe you daughter knows it hurts you. THATS WHY SHE IS DOING IT. other parents should be ashamed of them selves for getting involved.

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Alara - posted on 08/12/2013

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Lisa, I told my daughter that I love her but I didn't like her or what choices she was making. I almost didn't want her to come home but I couldn't turn my back on her. This is the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life!

Lisa - posted on 07/22/2013

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It is so funny how I also not have any support but my family who calls only to catch up on my story and lastly to criticize me for every move I make. I grow tired of trying to explain that I DO LOVE MY DAUGHTER. love does not mean I have to take crap from her??? she is 19 yo. if she is not happy here then go out in the world and let me know how that works for you. no guarentee's in life but hopeful she will come home alittle more appreciative and maybe a little more humble.

Alara - posted on 07/19/2013

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thanks lisa, that is where i am at now. i have let her go i am hearing most wake up in about 2 years, i just hope i can find it in my heart to forgive. its tough. good luck to all going thru this same situation.

Alara - posted on 07/19/2013

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thanks lisa, that is where i am at now. i have let her go i am hearing most wake up in about 2 years, i just hope i can find it in my heart to forgive. its tough. good luck to all going thru this same situation.

Lisa - posted on 07/19/2013

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first question I asked myself is OMG what am I going to do???? then it occurred to me. there is nothing FOR ME to do. I have totally have completed the cycle of my life. I raised her the best I could. gave the best I could, I sacrificed all I had. if that is how she will treat me???? then I want her out. let her become humble because we grown ups know that life humbles us. she will come around in her own way in her own time. lets just hope time doesn't go to long. yes I love my daughter and we have been through so much together. I too don't understand. I have more to my story that would blow your mind..but have to run. good luck

Tamie - posted on 07/13/2013

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I suspect that my 18 year old daughter is "allowing herself to be controlled by her boyfriend and his mom", that she lives with. From what we can tell, the mom has been married and divorced 3 times and is currently single, she is an LPN ( which is a fairly low-paid job), she has had alot of bad-debt issues which we found on Court Records that are public access, she says she is a Christian (although she allows my 18 year old daughter to share a bed with her 17 year old son). I met the mom one time a Church and spoke with her all of 2 minutes. Yet the mom seems to feel that I should be happy that Sara lives with them, telling me that she will look after Sara as her own (whatever that is supposed to mean). The mom tells me that the mom understands Sara and was like Sara when she was young. The mom tells me that she had a relationship with her own mom that was like Sara and my relationship (yet I met her at Church & spoke briefly one time)! I do not know this woman, nor does she know me. My husband is an R.N. and I handle extensive injury, legal type workers compensation claims. We has been married 22 years and love Sara and have done our best to provide, be good parents. Are we perfect, No far from it and I know we have made mistakes. Nut we have tried our best. So we are both confused, hurt and worried for Sara. At this time, Sara has said very hurtful things to us in texts and has told us both that she loves us, but wants nothing to do with us. I find it confusing. I miss Sara as I had thought we were close. Sara has always seemed fairly happy at home. The teenage years have had some ups and downs, but I thought that was fairly normal. Sara and I have gone to counseling, sometimes together and sometimes separately. I don't know what to do. I pray and pray and pray

Alara - posted on 07/12/2013

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I have backed off, last msg I sent her was simply "I love you, have a good week" that was last Monday. She is military property and have been informed by a friend her age that she is drinking heavily, living on the edge and getting piercings which the navy told her not to do. Friend is so worried about her so I am just sit back let her risk ruining her life? She got what she wanted, she has her space and her freedom but isn't using the tools she learned from being raised at all. There is a lot more to the story, Erica, I think you are right that I have been viewing her in a way that she has tried to represent herself to me which was never honest to begin with. She played volleyball, was successful in ROTC and always thrived to do well. When she 18 she just stopped giving a damn about her ambition and I know for a fact this girl/guy she is staying with now is controlling her but its her life yes and I have not interfered whatsoever. Although many people tell me that I should because I am her mother and apparently still needs my guidance but I know there is nothing I can do. She texted her sister yesterday saying she missed her and her response was "k" which apparently broke her heart. But a bit of a taste of her own medicine. The first week she left, I said what I had to say and haven't said anything to her since. I am just "hearing" about all her bad choices. If friends her age are concerned and don't know what to do to help her I certainly can't help her. I don't even want her back in my house I just want her safe. If I didn't want that I wouldnt be a very good mother. As for her car, she would probably be dead right now if she had it. She only had it 2 months before she turned 18 and already had run into a building being irresponsible. Not to mention her $600 a month income wouldn't have paid the $350+ a month she would've had to pay for insurance. She won't need it when she leaves for boot camp anyway if she makes it to boot camp. A lot can happen in 6 months and with her actions in just the past month I am seeing danger ahead. I can only pray and hope that someone gets thru to her.

Erica - posted on 07/11/2013

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First, she's not a good kid. If she disrespected reasonable rules, and makes the family feel they are walking on eggshells she I would not say we had a good relationship either. So either something happened to change a once great child, or you view her through rose tinted glasses.

Second, even though the car is in your name that was her car and I don't blame her for being a bit defiant. However, if what thou say is all of it I don't blame you for taking it either.
Finally she is "grown" which means she is now responsible for her life. Anything you do is interference and will cause a bigger rift. Don't comment on her decisions, don't offer advice, suggestions, or alternatives. Just be there to hug her when she is ready to ask for it.

Tamie - posted on 07/09/2013

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I haven't spoken to my daughter for about a week either. She has made it completely certain that she does not want any contact from me or her Dad. I am sorry that your daughter's dad is not supportive. I found some advice/information in an Internet article. I will type it here in a couple of days. Please know that you are not alone. I will continue to Pray for God's Will to be Done. Stay in touch. Thank you for your comments and prayers.

Alara - posted on 07/09/2013

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I am so sorry that you are in the similar situation. I havent tried to reach her for a week now, but I was contacted today by her best guy friend who is concerned about what she is doing. Apparently she is drinking with these young kids and we are worried that she may get herself in trouble before she even leaves for boot camp. I have no support from her dad who lives 2 hours away and doesn't involve himself in anything that makes him the "bad guy" I will keep you in my prayers as well. Thanks for your response.

Tamie - posted on 07/06/2013

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I am in a similar situation. My 18 year old daughter "ran away/moved out" the day after she turned 18 to live with her 17 year old boyfriend and his mom. That was towards the end of March and she is still gone. She was always a good kid, we had some arguments, but not very often. She had kept her curfew and kept her grades up till her senior year. I had always thought we had a fairly close relationship and this has turned " things upside down for her dad and I". We've only gotten to see her 3 times. She will rarely answer us when we text her and she never will return a call. She seems extremely angry and very defensive of the boyfriend and the mom. She has told us that everything we say, both positive and negative hurts her and she wants nothing to do with us. I don't know the answers. Most people including my counselor that I am seeing are telling me to quit contacting her and let her find out things for herself. But, it is really hard and I miss her, worry and cry about it alot. I just keep praying to God and reaching out.

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