Daughter was dating an Ex Convict, rebellious and hateful

Kelci - posted on 12/04/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My 18 year old graduated HS last June. She refuses to look for a job, she was sigh Ed up for school but is only completing one of the classes. She wont have a conversation with me or her dad. She yells and walks out. And yesterday I googled her new boyfriend. I found out that he is in his late 20"s and was convicted of armed burglary 7 years ago. He is finished with prison and probation. I was furious and so was her dad. He came over last night and told his us what had happened. We verified it with the court records. I was angry in my conversation with him last night. I also told them both that I do not want him dating my daughter and my husband told him that we can't trust him in our home or with our daughter. That was a nightmare. But today my daughters attitude continues with me. She is mad because she says I was mean to him. This summer she brought home a boy from another country. We can't take this constant stress wondering what will happen next. She told me she hates me and wants to stab me. We have no criminals in our family. She is out of my realm, I don't know how to get her on a good path or if I want her to live under her dad and my roof. She wont move out or work. Help please!

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/04/2012

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Time to show her the door. Take her keys, put her stuff out, and change the locks. If you don't trust her, you don't trust her. If she's done nothing to alleviate that lack of trust, and she's an adult, you are within your rights.



But, on the other hand, if the most recent guy was willing to come to you and discuss his past, I'd say that's more than most would do.



Your daughter is never going to see your points if all you can do is be angry when you confront her. So, take the confrontation out of the picture. Change the locks and move on. She's an adult, she's chosen her path, and you really can't stop her at this point. But, if she's threatening, you need to make sure that you are safe, and the only way to do that is to put her out!

Lakota - posted on 12/04/2012

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So sorry you are having to deal with this. I can't imagine how this is breaking your heart. What does your husband think? What you could do is take the house keys off of her key ring, pack her stuff, leave it outside. I know you don't want to do that, but, you yourself said that you feel like there is no choice. She probably will feel like she hates you for a while, but, hopefully in time she will grow up and realize that she brought that on herself. She doesn't have the right to make demands on you or her dad in your house, threaten you, disrespect you, etc.

Lakota - posted on 12/04/2012

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Since she is 18, there isn't much you can do about who she dates. That being said, you can control what happens in your house. She won't work and she threatens you? Tell her if she won't follow YOUR house rules, if she continues to disrespect you and threatens you, she will be kicked out. She won't respect you until you demand it.

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Kristi - posted on 12/05/2012

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I'm sorry for your heartache Kelci. We always want the best for our children and when things go south it is extremely difficult to sit back and watch it happen...so my mother told me and of course having a smart, strong willed 13 year old daughter will keep me awake at night thinking about all the what ifs.



I will tell you I was already out on my own. I was involved with my no good, "lots of bad words," first exhusband and father of my amazing daughter. He is a felon. He was a crack head, clean when we met. He was a theif and probably still is. He was abusive in every way imaginable. (I guess I wasn't too bright!) Anyways, my parents gave him a chance because they love me even though they clearly knew I was headed for disaster. I won't go into the details as to how he tried to embarrass and shame my family to make himself look (only in his eyes) like he had better morals and values than they did (do) and how it would be inappropriate in God's eyes if he were to stay and break bread with us. I kid you not.



My mom was/is my best friend. I suffer from bipolar and borderline personality disorder. I was very suicidal and had very severe panic attacks a lot back then. I talked to my mom everyday. Did I fail to mention my ex was a deadbeat and pretended to own his own business, ie: he didn't work. I only made $9.63/hour this was back in the beginning of the 2000's. Prior to the above incident my parents would help us financially when I couldn't pull it all together.



But, once this happened they said they were sorry but they were not going to enable this relationship anymore. He was not welcome in their home. My mom said she didn't want to hear anymore about the problems I had with him. (she was still there for me for everything else) They told me I was I always and would always be welcome to come home. They said they would help me get back on my feet whenever I was ready but he was to be out of the picture. Out of "my" picture, he was still the so called father of my daughter.



I eventually got with the program regarding him. I understood why my parents did what they did. Your daughter might not get it right now. She is still young and trying to figure out who she is. I whole heartily agree with Lakota and Shawnn...pack her stuff up, set it out front and change the locks. Before you do, try talking to her one more time and if nothing else, let her know you love her and you'll always be there for her but you're not going to put up with the disrespect, threats, etc.



Sadly, sometimes people (kids and adults) have to learn some things the hard way. Unfortunately, their loved ones have to sit back and let them learn. Things have a way of working out. Sometimes it may not seem like it but don't ever give up hope. I know a few mother/daughter relationships that I thought would never be repaired but they worked through their issues and their relationships are stronger now because of the efforts they put forth to make things work.

Kelci - posted on 12/04/2012

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Her dad came home from work today and said that he has had it with her. He doesn't trust her anymore. I never imagined my relationship with my daughter being so bad.

Kelci - posted on 12/04/2012

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I have told her to leave and she won't. I am afraid that the only way to get her out is an eviction legally. I do't want to do that because we would welcome her here for years if she would change her ways but I am at the point where I don't feel like I have any other choices. I don't want her to hate me for doing it, for years but it may be the only way. I have demanded er respect and to go by our rules -it made no difference. It is breaking my heart.

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