Daughters first love gone terribly wrong....

Starr - posted on 10/04/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Ok, so here is the story. My daughter, barely 16 and a Jr in high school, has been dating this boy for a little over a year now. Prior to that they had been close friends for a year. This past June he graduated hs and turned 18. As you can imagine they were pretty close and had all sorts of plans for their future together, this is after all her first and only boyfriend ever. He seemed like a decent guy from a decent family and we welcomed him into our home. At times it seemed he was at our house more than his own and had no problem hanging out with us all as a family. He would spend most his Friday/Saturday nights with us when he wasn't working. He had always been very respectful towards us and our daughter. I know he really does love her and deeply cares about her.

Well, this past weekend he went on a road trip to visit a friend that is now attending college in another state. Needless to say my daughter was not too comfortable with this because the friend is a known partier and she is not the partying type. It's just not her thing and she doesn't even like to be around ppl who do that stuff, she has big goals and is determined not to mess it up. Long story short, he got drunk and cheated on her. He told her on Sunday via text that he had gotten drunk the night before and mysteriously woke up in bed with some girl that morning. He then proceeded to beg her not to leave him, says he loves her, is sorry, can’t live without her blah blah blah. I immediately took her phone away for a few hours while we make our best effort to console her.

My baby was devastated. And so were we, completely shocked and heartbroken . But It doesn’t stop there, nope... he proceeds with the I can’t live without you, thinking about killing myself stuff, posting it online for everyone to see. It got so bad that my daughter was actually afraid he might do it and begged me to call his mother, which I immediately did. Come to find out he had already called her crying with the same thing. His mother was very appologetic and wanting to help our family in any way that she could at the same time deathly afraid of losing her son that night, especially since he was now in a car two states away trying to get to my daughter as fast as he could. I find out that he had been on medication for depression which he had stopped taking. Luckily he had a friend with him which took over the driving. The next morning my daughter is a complete mess and I noticed her phone was off. When I asked why she said it just shut off, so I let it be and dropped her off at school, after all I didn't see what good staying home crying all day would do. I get a call from his mother a few hours later that the boy was home safe, the friend had driven a full 14 hours straight thru the night to get him home safely and that he was being now being admitted to the local phyc hospital for suicide watch. The mother told me that he had been texting her with his last goodbyes and his morbid thoughts of how he would do it. As it turns out he had been texting my daughter every few minutes the same things all night long. My daughter had been up all night fearing for his life and praying that he makes it home alive. After hearing this, I immediately went to the school and picked her up. She was so sick with heartache, guilt and worry that her stomach hurt and there was blood in her throat. She was really hurting and feeling somehow responsible and there wasn't much I could do but let her know that he was safe and getting the help he needed. I let her know that he was sick and it wasn't anything that she did or didn't do. What else can I do?

I am so very proud that thru this entire week she has not responded to one single text or post (other than a shut up on instagram one time).She cleaned out her room and gave me all “their” things and gifts to dispose of which I put away. She has gone to school everyday, not missed a single practice or homework assignment when I know deep down she just wants to crawl in bed. She no longer wants to talk about it with me. I don’t think she want to talk about it at all, if the subject comes up she is in tears. I guess I just have to leave it to her to figure out? I have so many questions and so many things I want to tell her but I don’t dare for fear of upsetting her.

The whole story is so heartbreaking. Of course we knew it wouldn't last forever we just never dreamed it would end so badly. We really truly cared for this boy and to some extent still do. While we realize he is not who we thought he was and it not good for our daughter it is still difficult. I so badly feel like lashing out at him for what he has done but on the other hand am concerned about him as well. He has text me twice now that he is home with apologies and inquiring as to how she is, were like his second family etc .Iv'e responded one time telling him that she is strong and will be okay and that he needs to take care of himself right now and that he is not to contact her. Which he has respected thus far. I thank god that this kid is okay and that he didn't physically hurt anyone or himself. Although the emotional damage I fear is so great, will my baby ever be the same? I also fear that he may actually try it now that he is home as the hospital was unable to keep him against his will since he is 18 and refused to stay longer than 8 hours. If something happens to this boy, my daughter will carry this will her for the rest of her life.

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Patricia - posted on 10/04/2012

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Wow, what a story.

I think you are doing all the right things by backing

away as is appropriate, your daughter is not taking his calls or

texts, as she should not, and she should probably change her phone

number, by the way, but with all that being

said THIS WAS HIS CHOICE to get drunk

and play around on her. Don't forget that fact.

There is always consequences to every action.

I think your daughter and your family should feel

blessed that you found out how unstable this

gut really was. It's not about the infidelity; it's

about the suicide talk, etc. HE HAS ISSUES

to say the least.

At least he told her the truth; he should never

have tons her by text, though; that's low.

She learned a huge lesson, too; don't commit to

one guy when you are young; she should

be enjoying her school life, her friends,

dating other nice guys do she can DISCERN

what she really wants in a husband some day.

Help her get back on her feet, which it

Sounds like you are. Don't take him back,

even as a friend. He will try to "get her back"

Let them both move forward, alone but stronger

and wiser. Tough lesson, though.

7 Comments

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Julie - posted on 10/13/2012

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Ugh, I am not looking forward to my child's first heartbreak. The truth is you ARE devastated to the point of "wanting to die" I remember the drama, long drawn out misery we BOTH went through. Your first love will be a part of you forever, no matter what.

It is such a big learning curve, some kids get through it better than others. Try not to predict a glum future for the boy or your daughter. Remind your daughter that it was HIS choices, and HIS actions that got him to the state of helplessness. I am sure both kids will be alright. Time heals all wounds, but the scars remain. So keep treating your daughters "wound" with love and care, so it heals with as little scar as possible.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/12/2012

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Wow, Patricia, there you go with the generalization that "all teenage boys are having sex".



PLEASE QUIT WITH THAT GENERALIZATION!!! The only reason that I could think that you would continue to promote that falsehood is that your daughter had sex at a young age, and you don't want to put the blame on her, so it's OBVIOUSLY the boy's fault, and OBVIOUSLY boys always push girls to have sex.



I, as the mother of not one, but two young gentlemen who are both still virgins, and have both committed to remain so until married, am becoming quite offended by your generalization that all teenage boys are sex maddened monsters who spend their entire day trying to get into a girl's pants, and then go home, play with themselves, wake up the next day and plot to get laid by another girl! Good grief, lady, GET OFF IT!!!



I don't pop into every post I see about a young lady/boy and make it all about teenage girls being constant sluts, so please have the same consideration when speaking of young men. Because, my dear, FEWER than you realize are having sex, FEWER than you would like to admit even HAVE HAD sex.



And, I'd like to point out that, 50% of the time THE TEENAGE GIRL is the aggressor, NOT the boy

Starr - posted on 10/11/2012

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wow, I suppose you could be right although I have a hard time believing my sweet little girl is having sex. I have never caught her lying but I suppose if there was ever a time to lie it would be to your parents about sex. They have been together for a long time and I know that most 18 yr boys are having sex, he obviously is since he cheated on her. It just seemed he was a little more protective of her than that. I am still in shock over this whole thing. I can see how it would be hard for her to let go, they've been in each others lives for over two years one way or another. Heck, I miss him myself, he was so polite, respectful and up until now has always treated her well, in fact I think she was a brat to him at times. It's hard to let go myself, at the same time while I know he is no good for her right now I also know there are alot worse out there too. What if the next one is horrible?? It's funny because before this I didn't really think she was all that attached, she's was never one who's world revolved around him like some girls are with their boyfriends. She has tons of girlfriends and has no problem saying that she doesn't need to spend all her time with him. We haven't said flat out that she is not allowed to date him rather we are trying to discourage her as much as possible. I'm afraid that if we forbid it she will only resent us and next time will not tell me what is going on. She seems to be doing well, although I know they had talked since I haven't seen him around and I don't think she is sneaking either, the only places she has been is to school and practice and we drop her off and pick her up for everything so unless he shows up at her school I don't think she has seen him.

Patricia - posted on 10/09/2012

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I would ask her if she had a daughter what would

she advise her daughter to do; she should put

herself in your shoes.

And don't believe she has not had sex with him;

She is just too "attached" to him emotionally.

We women cling to them BECAUSE WE HAVE

HAD SEX w them. He's 18; all guys that age

are having sex with their girlfriends; it's not

right but it's the way it is,

Be smart, strong, change her cell number and

get her away from him; have her Dad step up

to the plate and kick the guys butt, just figuratively,

and put his foot down. Tell your husband

to step and be very firm with your daughter.

Starr - posted on 10/09/2012

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Thank you. Glad to hear I'm doing something right. Frustrating as it is, she is now talking to him again even though I asked him not to contact her he obviously did not listen. She said she is thinking about getting back together with him. She doesn't understand why we don't want that, after all "dad cheated on you and you still took him back" that was her comment. Arr...., so frustrating. For the record I did not take dad back right away, we were split up for 5 years afterwards and actually got divorced during this time. Hopefully I was able to talk some sense into her! That boy needs help!! She claims they have never had sex but now I'm afraid that she might feel like she should just to please him?? We are trying to encourage her to date boys her age that go to her school, maybe that are in sports as well. I think that a now 18 year boy in college and working is just not on the same level as a high school junior anymore.

Starr - posted on 10/05/2012

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@ Robert, yes your comment does sound a little off. I'm not really sure what to make of it. This isn't an issue of not having a good relationship with my daughter nor is it an issue of her relationship with her father. Her father has been great thru this all. I mostly just wanted someone to tell the story too because me myself am baffled at what went down and I was wondering what other MOMs thought.

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