Disapproval of boyfriend

Cindy - posted on 05/14/2018 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My 17 yo daughter has been dating this boy off and on for over a year. He keeps breaking up with her and then coming back. It has happened 4 times. He has been rude to her and says things to put her down. This last breakup was two months ago. After they broke up, we learned through a friend that he posted something about her in a group chat (offering up something personal of hers if you can read between the lines). We were livid and contacted the parents and authorities. They kept their distance for about 3 weeks and now he is back and of course, "he has changed". In that time apart, I learned that he was doing drugs - mostly weed but he had tried some harder drugs once. We have been keeping them apart but they are communicating via social media and see each other at school. I know the general consensus is that we shouldn't forbid a relationship but we just don't trust this kid with her safety. He has apologized to me over text but my husband refuses to listen to him. I go back and forth about whether to give him another chance while her Dad will not budge. I have been holding a united front with her Dad but it is tough as I keep reading that we shouldn't forbid a relationship. She has a job and sees a few friends on the weekends but she is not letting him go. As far as I know she listens to us and has not snuck around to see him outside of school. Other guys at school will not touch her with a 10 foot pole because they know she is still hung up on this guy. Are we doing the right thing?

4 Comments

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Michelle - posted on 05/16/2018

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Like you have already read, the more you forbid the relationship the more they will be determined to be together.
I have been going through something similar with my 16yo son. He has bee seeing a girl with big issues and when he had enough of the constant arguments that she would start he called it off. She then told him she was going to commit suicide. She did run away from home and cut herself. She spent a few hours in hospital and then was out wanting to see my son. The first words out of her mouth was that it was his fault.
Long story short, my son and I have been having a lot of conversations about his own happiness in a relationship. I told him that I wouldn't stop him from seeing her but she wasn't good for him. We talked a LOT and told him if he wanted me to listen I was there.
She got very angry when he said that he was talking to me and taking my advice, it just confirmed to him what we all saw.
I suggest you keep communication open, let her know she can come to you with any worries she has about her relationship. You don't want her to run off with him as soon as she is 18.

Cindy - posted on 05/15/2018

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I have confirmed the drugs. My daughter has admitted it. She is not always forthcoming but she tells me the truth when I ask her. I told him that the drugs were a dealbreaker and that he needed to come clean with his parents because I need him to be accountable to someone other than me. He lied to me repeatedly but then my daughter got him to admit that he was lying and was doing drugs. I don’t want to be the tattletale but I don’t want her going out with someone doing drugs.

I have asked her what line would be too far and she didn’t know. She has always been against drugs and she said it bothered her at first but it doesn’t really anymore. Do I tell the parents?

We have had all these conversations and she is still adamant. We are actually getting along ok and she says she is just going to wait until we change our minds. My gut just tells me she is not safe with him but there has not been any physical abuse.

Thanks!

Ev - posted on 05/14/2018

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First off, if she has not had any harm from him physically and/or not proven to have done so, it is best not to forbid it. She would find ways to see him regardless of what you did.

Second, unless you can prove he did the drugs, there is not much there you can do either.

Third, the best you can do is sit down with her and be honest about your disapproval of him but at the same time make it clear that you are not going to forbid her to see him or date unless it gets to the point that she could become harmed from it as she is still a minor. Also, make it clear the house rules regarding his being there if he is allowed. Keep an open line of communication open. Let her come to you.

Patty - posted on 05/14/2018

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Another chance? after what now 3 "another chances?"

I agree that you should not forbid your daughter seeing him. She's 17 and the moment she turns 18 she'll run off to him. What you need to do is ask your daughter point blank "What line is too far for you?" Make her set her own rules. She's gotta grow up and cut him off herself but she need to find it within her, she own self confidence

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