Disrespectful Teenage nightmare

Heatherkolb352 - posted on 10/13/2016 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend of 5 years and I just blended our families together this past year, moving into his home. His (2) younger children (17yr girl and 19yr boy) had just moved in as well - along with my (2) children (12yr boy and 15yr girl), so it was a new experience for all. The usual growing pains occurred - this one took this, this one touched this - all resolved for the most part. Then his older daughter (24) came to stay from another state with her 27yr bf - they sleep on my couches as there are only 3 br in the house and we are doubled up. Main problem in the house is 17yr girl - she does everything in her power to undermine every rule, get out of every chore, and start trouble with everyone in the house - especially my kids. When the older girl came to stay, all the fun began. 17yr old wouldn't let her keep anything in their room, threw her clothes down the stairs and threw her jewelry at her - stating that there were too many people in the house and that they needed to leave, this was her house. Dad came home later, got the conversation break down from older daughter, and flat out told 17yr old that it was his house, he asked them to stay and the world did not revolve around her. She stated that she would leave, to which he told her to go ahead (as she had been threatening off and on for weeks) pack up and go, no one is stopping you. This was summer, now 17yr old states house is too crowded she isn't staying here all summer with all these people - she packs a few bags and jumps out of the house for weeks at a time. In the meantime, everyone has chores and responsibilities around the house - now she is not around to do hers and everyone else must pick up for her - and the resentment starts. She comes back every 3 weeks or so and unloads clothes, packs more stuff to leave again - and then starts trouble in the few hours she is home. "Someone touched my stuff" - "Someone moved my stuff'. Dad now goes back at everyone in house about it defending her. This continues all summer, and for the most part when she wasn't there, it was peaceful, but the few hours that she was back were unbearable - and the aftermath of Dad accusing everyone on her behalf was uncalled for. Her latest is that my son stole a beats cord from her - a cord that she claims was plugged into the stereo in her room (my daughters stereo that was busted and then thrown out) - she demands cord he has, says it looks like hers so it must be. My son got it from his friend attached to a portable speaker - so it is NOT hers - so he tells her no. Then she turns on my daughter stating SHE threw it out - I tossed the stereo, there was nothing attached. Dad now goes back and forth with ME about this - all the while defending her and stating that her cord needs to be replaced. Now she took the cord, stated that as soon as my son finds HER cord she will find HIS cord. I told her that the cord was now hers, it came with his speaker and asked her if she checked with the friends that she stayed with over the Summer, maybe she left it somewhere. NO - she left it plugged into stereo, so either HE took it or SHE threw it out (my daughter). Then she says "everybody's stuff is going to go missing around here" and then tells me that I should just pack my shit and get out now because things are only going to get worse until I do - she will make sure that her Dad tells me to get my shit and get the f@#$ out - that's what everyone is waiting for anyway. The largest problem with this is that Dad doesn't defend me - ever. She has totally been allowed to play "victim" for so long, that he states that everyone is against her and that I pick on her. All during the Summer up through now, she has told him that "she didn't feel comfortable at the house because everyone was picking on her and that I was acting like her mother". I am far from her mother, thank goodness, but when Dad makes rules/chores and she doesn't follow them, and I am the one who is home - I am not allowed to enforce them. He gives her an out with everything - but no one else, not even his oldest. His son and 17yr old got in fight over her disrespecting their mother and he moved out. This child has even gone so far as to state that we were talking about her lingerie (yup that's right, lingerie at 16) and questioning her virginity...this conversation was with oldest girl and my daughter and NO ONE questioned her virginity - oldest stated that "I still think she is a virgin - even though she hates my guts right now I am her sister and I'm sure she would tell me if she did something" - my only comment was "I don't care as long as she doesn't come home pregnant". End of conversation. I was REEMED by Dad for this "conversation" because she stated that I questioned her virginity. She only recently confessed casually to her sister, bf, my daughter and son that "Oh yeah, I lost that shit when I was 15"...really? So I caught crap for something I didn't say about something that didn't exist?! What do I do with this - I love my bf, but his blind defense of her without seeing what she is doing to everyone in the house is disturbing. Now she isn't focused on her sister because they announced they are moving to another state next month - so now the focus is on us. She has already been caught 2x with her previous BF in her room when no one was home - Dad caught her. She has jumped the train and gone out to another town when Dad told her no - I have had to retrieve her. She even jumped out to a town so far out over a weekend that Dad texted her to ask her where she was (he has gps on phone, so he KNEW where she was) and she turned her phone off. That Sunday she couldn't get ride home for school monday - and called Dad - who told her he wasn't getting her. She then texted ME - I told her no, I wasn't driving out all that way and she got ride there, get one back. I have done everything I could for this girl - her mother is a raging, screaming person who favors 19yr boy, and gives her clothes to compensate. I have driven her to and from work, given her money to spend, bought clothes for dances, paid for dance tickets, paid for her class ring, etc. Just as I have done with my children. But I will not tolerate her being rude, disrespectful and obnoxious to me or anyone else. I believe my bf is afraid she will leave (which she won't) and not talk to him (she would jump out for a few days or so to a friend and not answer his calls or texts - he would then post cutesy things on FB to her until she came around and then whatever was wrong before was swept under the rug). I can't take it anymore, I want a life with my BF, I love him - but how do I make him step back and see that every issue that we have in the house is with this one child?!

2 Comments

View replies by

Gardensparrow - posted on 10/13/2016

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Well, it definitely sounds like you have your hands full with your BF's daughter. And I know it's tricky knowing how to proceed if you don't feel he's fully backing your decisions. Unfortunately, kids can also pick up on this pretty quickly and play you against each other or use it to their advantage. So, perhaps you need to have a serious sit down with your BF and figure out how you 2 can proceed with his daughter and keep peace in your household. Then, hopefully, if you two can get on the same page you can make some progress with her. Also, do you think it might be helpful for her to get some counseling? Perhaps she has some anger issues she needs to work through with a professional. Of course, I'm not sure if she would consider this (or your BF), but might not hurt to throw it out there. Lastly, because issues like this aren't uncommon when you're blending two families together, you might want to take advantage of some the material out there geared towards couples in your shoes. I know Ron Deal has a website called smartstepfamilies.com that has a lot of info on situations like these. Just FYI...

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