disrespectful teens

Melissa - posted on 09/27/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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my 14 yr old does not listen at all, she does what she wants when she wants to and has no problem telling every authority figure in her life to **** off. How do I make her listen and understand the consequences of her actions?

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Judy - posted on 09/29/2009

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She sounds like she has had no consequences for bad behavior what so ever. At this age its gonna be tough and take some tough love on your part to get her attention. Such as, if she sneaks out, call police...period! When she bad mouths you and tells you to "F" off, take away her cell phone, computer, make-up away, blow dryer, straightner, etc, PERIOD!! You are the boss and she has to view you as such. Take her bedroom door off as a consequence. I have had to resort to that with my 16 yr old son and he hated it!! If you allow her to talk to you with disrespect, then you are telling her its okay to speak to an another person of authority with disrespect. Its not to late! But, if you wait another few years it will be! :)

Cynthia - posted on 09/27/2009

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I empathize COMPLETELY! My son is 14 years and exhibits similar behaviors. Although he doesn't verbalize telling everyone to **** off, his body language and looks certainly do relay it well!! With mine, it all depends on what it is I'm asking him to do, or what he's asking permission for. I have learned to CHOSE MY BATTLES WISELY! At this age, he is simply trying to spread his wings and gain some independence....he just doesn't know how to ask or express that. I have learned to be a mind reader of sorts! My suggestion: if he/she is not doing things that would harm him, go against your families morals or values, or hurt anyone else.....reasses what he/she really asking for or doing. Try to put yourself in his/her shoes when you were that age. I have found that to be VERY helpful!

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Barbara - posted on 01/04/2013

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I've taken my daughters ipod away, refused to give it back until she is more respectful to me. She is in control of the duration via her behavior, I'm in control of evaluating whether her behavior is up to par. I considered taking her cell phone, but since I really need for her to have it for safety purposes, I backed off on that and locked the TV instead, removed internet access via her computer housed in our home office and will cut WiFi if necessary to prevent her from watching any movies on Netflix via our Wii. She has a DS3d and if necessary I will remove that as well - or at least the charger for it. I no longer allow her to drag me into heated debates, simply refuse to discuss what ever she is bringing up until she calms down and can talk to me with courtesy and respect. As far as school is concerned, my daughter has not had any issues with disrespect there, and I am in weekly contact with most of her teachers to monitor grades via their computerized grading system. If it is possible, I would arrange to drop her off at school, let her know that you will be there when school is out to pick her up, cut off all extracurricular after school activities including sports, dance, etc. But I would take care to do this gradually, not jump off the deep end into the whole bag of tricks all at once. Sometimes this approach works beautifully and she turns around in an hour or so, other times it seems like it's not effective at all and she goes on for a day or two with surly mouth and a chip on her shoulder. Invariably that's when she decides she wants me to do something for her, drive her here or there, get cash from me, let a girl friend sleep over, etc. It's then that I reinforce the lesson I want to teach: poor attitude and unpleasant demeanor = no extra's from mom. Wanna go to Sally's house, walk. Need cash for fast food, work for it (at home with extra chores), Wanna sleepover this weekend - better be polite and respectful all week long. There is another resource I should mention: TheTotalTransformation.com. You can get the series now for $19.00 all in cd/dvd format with excercizes you can do when the kids are in bed or at school. It really has helped me to put some of this in perspective, given great helps during times of volatility and reminded me of more positive and productive ways to parent a teenager girl. Since my daughter will be 18 in three years and probably off to college, I want us to have a harmonious life together during the last stage of her childhood, but I will not allow her to continue being disrespectful to me without some consequence for this behavior. Parenting teens is not for sissies, it's damned hard!

Diana - posted on 10/17/2009

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I would find out who her circle of friends are and work on changing that, limit who she can hang out with by not having transportation available or the time to hang with those individuals. also limit the amout of money she has available so that drugs or alcohol is not redily available.. ( also be sure she is not feelong outcast by her peers and feeling angry at the world and taking it out on those she feel safe with) You..

Maria - posted on 09/30/2009

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My 13 year old step daughter trys to do what she wants but I just keep on her with chores and take away things when she miss behaves. A good stern talking usually helps. I tell her It's my house you have no choice but to follow the rules.

[deleted account]

I'm a mum of 5 teens & i totally agree with all ur comments, ignore the swearing don't react, they know what will make u angry & will use it as an excuse to leave the house. i never cleaned my kids rooms & always shut the doors.. it's there mess if they want to live in it let them... i,ve always let my kids bring their friends in the house to listen to music etc... at least i'd always know were they were & wot they were upto, even if the noise etc.... bugged me.

Kerry - posted on 09/30/2009

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I agree with what has been said but would like to add that if she hasn't had a lot of rules or if you didn't really enforce rules while she was younger; at least the rules that you feel she needed to then you have a rough road ahead to try and enforce things at 14. If you are very strict with her and have always been then she is probably trying to break free and gain independence. I have 2 teenagers, still, and a 20 year old and a 10 year old - they only have 4 hard and fast rules and those are no lying to me, no stealing, no cheating, and i demanded respect from the time they were babies. That meant no hitting or kicking me or others and I taught them to respect the things around the house instead of "child proofing" things...Unfortunately if respect isn't taught young then it can be more difficult to gain in later, when they are teens.

Now if you aren't in those extremes - being too lenient or too strict - then perhaps she is just trying to see how self reliant she can be on her own. When kids get this age they use their body and control over their body and speech and other things as a way to exert their independence. If she is cursing at you she is probably trying to prove that she can and she thinks this shows "how adult" she can be. She is also trying for a reaction from you, good or bad. The best advice I can give you to her language is to just ignore it. How hard as that can be just don't respond or acknowledge her until she can treat you with the respect that you deserve. My 15 yr old had a sailor mouth on her at the ripe old age of 7 and I read all i could on why a child so young would want to talk that way and what to do and that was the advice the therapists and writers were giving. A "bad mouth" is usually picked up to gain attention from someone and the best response is none.

And do pick your battles. If you can't live with the messy room then shut the door. Being able to control their space is a big thing for teenagers. Also do try to limit how much you give into her and make sure she isn't sneaking out at night. On the cell phone, not only can you limit texting but you can also make it to where she can only call a few numbers. With the computer use, make sure the comps are all in well traveled places, not her room and make her give you all the passwords to her accts and if she doesn't, take the power cord away until she does. Let her know you won't invade her privacy by reading her stuff but you are to still have access to it in case she continues to step out of line. By all means read the emails and such if you believe she is using drugs or seeing someone way too old for her. Go through her myspace/facebook pages and make her pull any photos that are too suggestive. Teach her to respect herself, by respecting her privacy and giving her some space, unless you feel she has already lost your trust in her. If you feel you can't trust her then sit her down and tell her that she is to follow certain rules until she earns your trust back and stick to them.

Is her behavior new? or recent? It might be that she is into drugs/alcohol or something happened to her - like being sexually assulted in some way - that might have created the change in her behavior. Counseling is a great route to go if you believe this is more than simple teenage rebellion.

I hope some of this helps.

Barbara - posted on 09/29/2009

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your the parent take control no matter what , tell her you will call the police if she leaves the house when you tell her not , i did this with one of my daughters , and it worked, take everything away from her that she likes stop giving her everything , and tell her that she cant do something and mean , dont let her run the show , your the adult act like it

Melissa - posted on 09/27/2009

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thank you all for the good advice, I'll keep trying to get through to her and to not lose my temper..As for Dad, he and I are still together and struggling through her teenage years as a team!!!!

Tina - posted on 09/27/2009

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first set the rules and tell her that if she doesnt like the rules she can have all her priveleges removed first u take away the main thing she likes then continue to take away more and tell her that it upsets u when she doesnt follow ur rules good luck!

Kathy - posted on 09/27/2009

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Might try saying no to everything. Don't give her money or buy her anything she likes at home. When she wants money for a movie tell her no and tell her why. Be calm and ignore her as much as possible. Don't speak to her at all. Even go in another room when she is home. Do the opposite of what she expects you to do. And although I hate to disagree but cellphones are your lifeline. You might let her know that when you call she needs to answer so you know she is ok. Ask her to check in (even though she probably wont for a couple years yet but you can still call and check on her) Give it time to work, be patient. Always tell her you love her.

Kelly - posted on 09/27/2009

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Take away important items for periods on time: cellphones,tv, computer, outside time. friend time-At this age as how she is speaking-immediate response from you is due.
Talking is good but she is already not listening-when things become uncomfortable and painful-that is when you will see a change in your daughters behavior.
I have to boys teenagers and a girl 10-thinks she's 13. Disrespect stresses us moms out

[deleted account]

If you do not know already find out who she is hanging out with. Find out if she is using drugs, alcohol, with aggressive and bad behavior there may be a chance she has had those kind of contacts, either way get family counseling. Is her father in her life??? Get him involved to back you up. If you are no longer a couple, have her move in with him.....that changes a lot of actions--hard love sometimes needs to be practiced for kids to wake up and see their wrong doing. I wish you the best of luck!!!!!

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