Found out my 13 yr old has a boyfriend and have kissed. Trying not to over-react. Help!

Eve - posted on 06/13/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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A few months ago I found out that my 13 yr old daughter started "dating" this boy from school. She asked me not to tell her dad coz he might tease her about it. I said ok as long as she stays honest and open with me. I reminded her that while I'm happy for her that she's with the boy she likes, I still think they're too young to kiss or anything else. We had the whole talk about sex, risks, peer pressure, and self-respect. Then recently I took her phone away as punishment for her slipping grades, and found out from texts that she & her boyfriend had kissed already. I'm trying not to over-react, but I specifically asked her to talk to me about these things and now I'm wondering what else is she not telling me. Do I tell my husband and ask his advice on how to handle this or should I give my daughter a chance to come clean? How do I even approach this issue?

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Eve - posted on 06/14/2013

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A "simple" kiss might not be a big deal to someone who doesn't have any children. I'm not naïve -- I was 13 once upon a time. The crux of the issue, however, is that trust & privacy is a two-way street. I felt betrayed when she didn't tell me about it. Should I then consider our agreement null and void, and tell my husband about this? That is the question.

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I was 13, and a simple kiss would have been nothing more than "OMG! a boy just kissed me!!" You also betrayed her privacy in finding it out. If you punish her for it, or tell your husband when you had an agreement, all it's going to do is teach her to hide things a lot better. Even if what she is hiding isn't a big deal. Maybe you should talk to her about it and find out what the kiss meant to her.

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You told her not to kiss and she wanted to. Of course she isn't going to tell you! If you want your kids to be open about what they do, but tell them you don't want them to do something like kissing, they aren't going to tell you about it. You invaded privacy to find out something that she did that isn't really a big deal. If she finds out you did that, she probably won't ever share anything with you like that again. I hear all the time that privacy is a privilege. Well if you give your children privacy, and then invade it, they're going to never want to share anything with you. Trusting in someone is a privilege as well. I confided in my mom when she stopped invading my space. I did lots of awful things in high school. There wasn't a single thing my mom could have done to make me stop, or confide in her. The more she tried to take way my privacy, the better I got at hiding things and the worse the things I hid got. When you get upset of something so simple as a kiss, it won't help you in the long run.

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Eve - posted on 06/14/2013

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Thanks, we had a great heart-to-heart talk. All I really want is to have an open, honest relationship with my daughter.

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