Found out my 14 year old has had sex, and has been drinking and smoking pot. How much do you take away from them. Do you lock them in the house and ban their friends?

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Jane - posted on 08/18/2011

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If you lock them in the house and ban their friends you will have one rebellious kid on your hands. She might even decide to run away.

You might call the local juvenile facility and see if they have any "scared straight" programs, or check with the school district to see if they have any of those classes that involve toting around an artificial baby that cries, etc.

You might also propose a contract in writing and signed by both of you wherein she promises not to do certain things and in return you will do certain things.

I don't know your daughter and so I don't know how amenable she would be to being spoken with as if she were an adult. I do have a 16 yo who claims that I am "not the boss of him" but backs down a bit when assured by an authority figure such as a cop or a psychologist that I am so his boss.

Good luck!

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Jodi - posted on 08/20/2012

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So, I don't think you lock them up or ban their friends, I think you have a conversation about the future; HIS/HER future.

What do he or she think their future will look like if they continue on this path? What do they want from their future? Have they ever had to consider that question? At 14 life for our young people becomes firmly and squarely in their hands. They are in high school and how they achieve academically will impact their future options and paths. The young people are the ones that are going to bear the injuries, limitations, burdens, and benefits of their actions. Many young people have no idea of this reality. They think they can act without consequence, this is a mistake.

He/she needs to take responsibility for his/her life........now!

good luck and godspeed

Ian - posted on 08/20/2012

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Hi There.



My 14 year old is not going to school and is drinking every weekend .

We,ve tried to tell her the rights and wrongs of what shes doing but she doesnt seem to care . every saturday she dissappears we then report her missing to the police who find her but by that time shes well out of it at a boys house whos 18 years old .I myself would like nothing more than going round to his house and giving him a kicking but that would only drive my daughter away further please can someone give me someother advice please .The last time we called police she had to be taking by ambalance to the hospital .

Gina - posted on 10/26/2011

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My daughter is now 18, almost 19. I can tell you from expierence locking them down does not work. It will make things worse and they will just find a way out! Good luck with calling cops, most of the time they are no help. If your daughter is smoking pot the probelms only esculate from there. I would suggest finding a place you can put her in, granted you will have to pay but if your waiting for someone to do something, i.e. the cops you are honestly wasting your time. My daughter was put on probation and they even the probation officer would not help me. He told me to do the same thing I am telling you to do and that is find a facility to put her in.

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WE are faced with trials everyday, we think it won't happen to us, our child is one of the goods ones, but when it comes down to it we don't know why our child does this type of thing. Taking control is hard and always painful but as Mary said you are the parent you must show your child this. There is no tried and trusted method, but my personal experience is to confront your child, catch them in the act, bring the issue to the table make them see what they are doing. It will take time but always let them know you love them. I hope you are successful.

Mary - posted on 10/22/2011

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Don't lock them in the house are you kidding.....LOCK them out!!!! Tell him/her you will NOT I repeat NOT live in this house and behave like this!! At 14 if you can catch him/her in the act you can call the police then he/she will be going someplace else to stay... It won't be pretty! The pot and alcohol they are getting from someone!!! Find out who or let the police do it! dont baby this child... PLEASE YOU ARE the parent... you need to BE the police scare the pants out of them. Terri Trust me you can do this!
The worst thing that can happen to your child is that they can die! Tell your child that you are doing this so they stay alive! You love them to much to sit back and watch them do illegal behavior. Good Luck! Two Words.... Vision Quest.. Look it up... Fabulous program!

Nur - posted on 10/22/2011

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omg terri, i've got exactly the same thing, first was trespassing and drinking, now it's smoking bong and i found a condom in his room (he always eaves his room open and messy), i don't know what to say or what to do about it. i know he'll be embarrass to admit having had sex, but i need to tell him that's it's too soon. the thought of my son having sex really freaking me out!!! good luck to both of us!!

Kelly - posted on 08/18/2011

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Good answer Jane! Also, how about getting her really busy in something that would limit her unsupervised time or in some type of competitive sport where she may be around other more preferred type of friends that are also busy. This is a tough one! Good luck!

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