heartbroken mother over teen girl being honest

Nicole - posted on 10/08/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )




i am 32 years old and was a victim of rape at 16. i became pregnant and kept the baby. my daughter is is 15 years old and is a model young lady. she is active in church,school and everything a mother prays her daughter will be when she reaches the crazy teen years. my daughter is mature in the sense she watched her mother struggle, and fight to not become a "teenage mother statistic" i finished school, college and have raised her alone. she is my partner, best friend and most wonderful gift ever.we are very open in our home.i do not protect or mask her from reality. life is not the disney channel. its real and scary. i have spoken to her many many times about sex and behavior. tonight i was on a 47 hour case when she called me and said she was having right lower pain in her belly. she stated it was getting worse. my first thought was appendix. never anything other than that or gas. i took her to the hospital and the nurse stated that she needed to give a urine sample before they could do the ct test to look at her appendix. jokingly i said if you have had sex with your boyfriend?she looked me in the eyes and said yes. i walked out of the room and threw up. i didnt know how to walk back into her room and look at her. she is not my little girl anymore. im hurt and heartbroken and angry. how do i speak to her in a way to let her know what she did was wrong? how do i prevent her from doing it again? how do i not lose her trust? how do i not lose her? i am planning on telling the mother of the boy. where was this mother when this happened in their home?i am a single mother and work as a detective which is a very demanding job. his mother is a stay at home mother who has never had to work a day in her life! how could she allow this to happen in her home? my daugher said it was only one time at their home. she said she is sorry and begged me not to hate her. i told her i loved her and stated that i was disappointed and hurt,but i could not talk to her at this time. for the reasons, i do not know how. i do not want to act out of anger. i do not want to say the wrong thing. which brings me to the reason i joined this website.... how and what do i say to my daughter? please please if anyone has any advice i beg you.

many many thanks,

a failed mother


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Jamiep470 - posted on 04/10/2015




I see that your post is from 2012, and I'm wondering how things went and are going now, if you don't mind my asking? For whatever reason, I'm unable to read any of the 7 comments previously posted. My daughter is approaching age 16 & still a virgin as far as I know, but I'm seeing serious signs of concern in her behavior & thinking recently, that of course breaks my heart, knowing how quickly things can "happen" and change her future! Prayers please, thank you❤️ (single mom for 12 years now, un-sober Dad avoids/opts out of parenting issues, just wants to be liked as a friend and thought of as fun, of which my teenage girl is beginning to see the "benefits" to her "freedom" while she's at Dad's, and so is throwing tantrums, attempting to create fights at home with me in order to leave and pursue fun at Dad's).

Cyndi - posted on 10/10/2012




You are not a failed mother. I can tell you from my experience that for myself, my parents were good, hard working christian people who expected their children to wait until marriage for sex. I was aware of their beliefs, and considered myself a christian and said my prayers and tried to be a good person. I got good grades, II never hurt other people, I was kind, I was in extracurricular activities, I had lots of friends. But ultimately, I still did what I wanted to do (lied to my parents and went to parties, drank beer, stayed up late, and met boys.), I too had sex early in high school. For me, it had nothing to do with my parents. I certainly did respect my parents, and I was definitely afraid of them and what they would do if they found out. I knew they would be disappointed. But for me, because many of my friends were having sex, my boyfriend was a few years older and he had another girl that was older than me and willing to have sex, I made a decision to do it. I was on birth control pills because of bad cramps and going months without a period. So, I did not have to worry about pregnancy, but even at that age I was aware of STDs and was concerned about them. (And was wise enough to get tested a couple times after talking to friends.) I'm not saying friends replace a mother for advice, no way, but sometimes you don't feel you have the option of talking to your mother and at least you can talk to someone. I wish I would have been able to talk to my mother about birth control. Most of my friends that did have sex were able to talk to their mothers about it and none of us did get pregnant in high school, thankfully. I understand you want what is best for your daughter. You can definitely encourage her to wait and when my daughter is old enough, I will talk to her and tell her I would like her to wait for all the reasons you and I think it is important. And, just because she has had sex once, does not mean she has to do it again. But, it might not be a bad idea for you to let her know that if she does decide in the future, when she is in a faithful relationship with a committed boyfriend and IF she is going to do it anyway, but behind your back, you would rather have her come to you and go with her to get birth control and then she knows, you know, and she will hopefully be more honest with you about other things in her life she wants to share with you. Unfortunately, I did not share much with my mother because she was so strict and rigid in her thinking, there was no way I felt I could share with her my life at that age. We have had a great relationship ever since I moved out of the house at 18. And, it was fine when I was in high school. It just could have been better. But I certainly never thought my mother was a bad mother or she failed. More, it was a failure on my part, in my character. But, everyone has to learn some things on their own. Hopefully, she won't have to learn about it alone if you want to be there for her. Just my opinion. You are her mother, and you know what is best for her. Good luck!

Debbie - posted on 10/10/2012




You are not a failed mother. Just let her know that you love her and that she has given away something she can never get back. God will forgive her and help her to be strong and turn away from sex if she will ask HIM to help her. She has to be committed though. A Woman's High Calling by Elizabeth George is a wonderful christian book that will help you and help your daughter to realize what an awesome and powerful position God has given us as women.

Tracy - posted on 10/10/2012




You are not a failed mother, first off. Secondly, as others said, be honest with her in return about why this bothers you. Is it, among other things, you thought she would talk to you about it if it had happened but she didn't talk to you? Talk about birth control and let her choose one. Encourage her to think about the relationship and whether sex is good for her mental health and for the continued life of this relationship she has (presuming he is a good guy). DON'T say some of the things you have said here (which is why I know you are asking for help and wanted to NOT talk to her at that moment!) You can't tell her she isn't your little girl anymore. Also, without knowing anything of the situation, don't blame the mother either. Her life circumstances have nothing to do with the decision that was made between the two parties involved. I know many kids when I was growing up that had sex while the parents were in the house and the kids were supposed to be hanging out in the family room or other "innocent" activities. My first acid trip (teenage crap I did) was with my parents in the next room. They had no idea.

On another note, I have a 15 year old son that I had when I was 17. I know it can be hard at times to let them lead their lives as they grow and separate from us. I'm not saying what she did was right or in her own best interest, but she made a decision about her life that was independent of you and your own wishes for her. It's going to happen - a lot. It's hard to watch them make decisions that you don't agree with. My son is a fantastic guy, a male version of your daughter it sounds like, but there are things he wants that clashes with what I want and I know I have to let him do it (while I quietly - or try to remain quiet - loathe the decisions he has made for himself.) We've had the talk that I certainly hopes he waits a very long time to have sex and that it's with someone he loves. BUT, I also know that sometimes it's hard to know when it's right and when it's hormones - we are meant to be procreating creatures after all. So, I gave him a condom at 13 and explained how to care for it and use it, if necessary. I told him if he ever needed another, just say so and he'd have them. I've explained to him that I didn't wait to have sex and it did me a lot of harm mentally for a long time. I never felt worth someone's love and that sex became a tool rather than an expression of love. I told him I don't want him to struggle through that. I don't want him to struggle financially to feed and clothe his kids. I told him think of all that you would have liked to do while growing up - now imagine not being able to provide those things to his own kids and having to tell them no all the time even when every part of you wants to say yes. Or think of the diseases out there. How would he explain to the person he meets and totally falls in love with that he has a disease and she is susceptible to it if she stays with him.


Finally, talk to your daughter about who she wants to be/all the things she wants to do and see in the world. Ask her if she would like to meet the person she wants to become. The only way to EVER meet that person is if she makes the choices that allows that person to live. Give that person the CHANCE to live. Agree to meet that woman she wants to be one day. If she gets pregnant, that lady won't exist. Another woman, maybe just as strong and great, will take her place but the lady she WANTED to become will cease to exist. The lady she HAD to become will take her place. Talk about what would HAVE to happen if she got pregnant and compare that to what she WANTS to happen.

Don't see her choices as a reflection of your mothering. I know, we mothers are programmed to take the blame for everything our children do and say. BUT, recognize that she is becoming an individual and has to take her own responsibilities for her actions. You cannot be her excuse for anything. Watch carefully how you view yourself during all this because it's possible if you blame yourself, she will blame you too (even if it's subconsciously).

Great love and respect to you and your daughter.

Shay - posted on 10/08/2012




All you can do is let her know that you love her and what she die us wrong and not to do it again and she gas to earn your trust she could have gotten something or pregnet,but let. Her know she can come talk to you anytime

Michelle - posted on 10/08/2012




Explain to her that you are worried that she is starting down the same path you did at such a young age and though you do not regret having her you do regret doing it so young. Explain how hard it is to be a teen mom and that you don't want her to struggle you want her to have a life full of adventure and fun before she settles down to be a mom and hopefully a wife. Make sure she understands what precautions need to be take to protect herself not only from getting pregnant but also stds. Your daughter is a normal teenager who needs to know that no matter what she does your love will never fail and that though you are disappointed with her choice to have sex now it is time to make sure she is being responsible about it. You cannot change what has already been done and by giving her the tools to be safe you are in no way condoning her having sex and you can be blunt and tell her that, however if she does choose to continue at least you know that she is being responsible about it.

Leigh - posted on 10/08/2012




First off, you are NOT a failed mother!!! Unfortunately many young children are having sex early in life. It's hard sitting here and trying to think of good advice to give when I have not been through this. But I wanted to talk to you about the disappointment you feel for your daughter. I am worried about that. The disappointment can turn into anger, it already has for the other parent. My father used to tell my mother, "if they want to do something, it won't matter where or when, they will find a way to do it" (not that it was sex,but in general). So don't blame the other parent. The other parent may have no clue and she could be angry with you because you were a detective and should have seen the signs. (see how that can turn either way?)

As for your daughter, you said you have an open relationship with your daughter. Let her know that you are scared (not disappointed) that she is making decisions that can effect the rest of her life. Sit down with her and talk, mother - daughter talk. I see too many people wanting to be their daughter's "friend". Your daughter is not your friend. That sounds mean, but I am sorry, truly I am. She needs your guidance and your love. What she has done, is done. She will ALWAYS be your little girl. Remember when you found out she had her period? If you were anything like me, you thought for a brief moment, "my little girl is all grown up". She took a HUGE step into womanhood and you as her mother, need to adjust your thoughts to the fact that she is becoming more independent, making her own choices (right or wrong) and you MUST stand behind her and catch her when she falls.

I hope I have not hurt your feelings as this is not what I wanted. I feel your pain, I really do.

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