help!! 13 yr old stepson out of control!!

Gina Marie - posted on 07/23/2013 ( 14 moms have responded )

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First off i wanna say that my stepsons bio mother is constantly in and out of jail and is.not in his life. he lies to his father and i on a daily basis bout even the smallest of things . he refuses to study or do homework. i can't ask him to.do any kind of housework or even keep his bdrm clean for that matter. last night at 3am he was brought home by police for walking around town. bad part is i jus told him 2 days ago not to be out of yard past 10pm. his father and i go to sleep around 11 as he has work in morning and we have newborn baby also. dad will hold a punishment for coupledays then give in. i can't take this disrespect it driving me crazy. so tired of the laziness the lies the attitude . i try to jus ignore.him and enjoy my new baby like his dad tell me to but i feel like I'm the only mother figure this kid has so i try to do for him like any other mother would for her own but I'm so stressed over this disrespect he show. he care about nothing.but running with his friends and.videogame . he even told the cop that i knew where he was! Unbelievable. idk what to do or say or think anymore

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Gina Marie - posted on 08/07/2013

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Her younger ones its heartbreaking seeing my husband so upset missing his younger children. i can see where he has the feelings he has for our 13 yr old of disgust and resentment and not knowing what to do with him anymore. its all jus frustrating. idk what i can do as i am still only step mom to all but our baby. we are having problem after problem with our teenager while missing out on the 3 younger ones. i jus hope when we go to court with hubbys exwife next month we can agree on sum kind of arrangement where the teenager can go with a relative for wknd and we can have younger 3again

Gina Marie - posted on 08/07/2013

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Ok so in my previous posts i let out alot off my shoulders but didn't put it all out there n i need to get some stuff out cuz I'm tired of holding it in. Other than our 13 yr old and the baby my husband has 3 other younger sons. we haven't been able to see them for 3 mths now. previously we had them every wknd for years now. their mother, my husband's ex wife refusses to let them come here anymore. problem is our 13 yr old was touching them innappropriately. i didnt mention this in earlier posts cuz of mainly embarrassment. its so frustrating. we now have our 13 yr old in counseling. its sickening and dissturbing. what do u do in a situation like tbis? We go to court with the ex wife next month. we have a list of ppl mainly family who are willing to keep our 13 yr old on the wknds so the you.ger three are still with us yet safe from their brother. we are hoping with these arrangements that we will be able to have the younger three on the wknds again as we miss them dearly . sad and disturbing part is that this is not the first ti
e this has had happened the oldest touching the youngest. last time we put him in a program they discharged him saying he not gay and not a threat to anybody. but now its happened again. my husband is to the point where he jus waiting for him to turn 18 and move out. he will prolly go with his mom and grama who we keep him away from..reasons for that in previous posts. our life and world has been turned upside down and inside out. we don't know what to do with our teen anymore. he has no respect for anybody or himself does not care bout anything is lazy and inconsiderate, does not do what he told. dad at work majority of time so it me, stepmom who has to put up with it day in and out and take him to his counseling which he gripes about going to. we miss the younger 3 terrind while i understand their mother is only being protective of

Steven - posted on 08/01/2013

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It's challenging to raise a teenager, especially when the child has a mother who is in and out of jail. All of the things you descried about what he is doing is actually normal for a 13 year old to do. It seems like you're doing the best you can and that's all we can ask for. I always say it takes a community to raise a child. That's why it might be a good idea to find him a mentor who can act as a positive role model and allow your stepson to talk with another person outside family.

I work with teenage boys and understand your frustration. I hope everything gets better.

If you want to chat further or have more questions send an email contact@teenagesons.com or refer to teenage sons . com

Thanks!
Steven

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/24/2013

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Keep up the good work Gina. You're doing fine.

Feel free to holler/pm if you need a shoulder!

Gina Marie - posted on 07/23/2013

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Yes we've told him. he still thinks we should risk it and let him go with them on wknds. Anyway i will try that have someone watch baby atleast once a wk. will b hard on that person baby so used to me but if it will help its worth a try. thank you for ur advice my counselor has told me some of the same things but is definitely nice to talk to another person bout it:)

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/23/2013

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Keep it up. Keep working on dad, too. Because, really, it's dad's attention he's seeking. If the courts have ordered no contact between bio mom and the boy, did anyone explain that to him? Explain how, if he DOES see them he'll be removed from your custody? That may make a difference.

In the meantime, is there someone who can watch LO for an hour or so a week so that you could have some one on one time with him? He really needs that time. And he needs the same from dad, but until dad gets over his "ignore it an it'll go away" attitude, that won't work.

Also, try to get some supervised visits approved with mom & Grandma. Supervised, so that the situation can be diffused and he can be removed if necessary

Gina Marie - posted on 07/23/2013

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Wish i could get his dad to go to counseling but it nearly impossible as he work from 7am til sometimes 7pm mon-sat. which in turn leaves me with very little time without baby. we did do a family session about a yr ago and the outcome was that our son resents us for not letting him see his bio mom and grama. these ppl are terrible though his bio mother has done nothing but lie to him and fill his head with empty promises. she has many times chosen men and drugs over him and her mother his grama actually told him that it ok to drop school and get a ged when he was 11!! We got him 4 yrs ago when child's services took him from his mom for living in a garage with him. we quit letting him see them after the grama told him it ok to get ged and we have had problems with him and school ever since. child services told us that if we let him go anywhere with them, the mom or grama, that they would take him from us! It has been very frustrating trying to guide this boy down the right road but i love the hell out of him and jus wish he would respect me a lil more and appreciate the things i do for him. I'm the one who takes care of everything in our home from appointment s to laundry to homework to taxi lol . tryin to hang in there

Gina Marie - posted on 07/23/2013

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Wish i could get his dad to go to counseling but it nearly impossible as he work from 7am til sometimes 7pm mon-sat. which in turn leaves me with very little time without baby. we did do a family session about a yr ago and the outcome was that our son resents us for not letting him see his bio mom and grama. these ppl are terrible though his bio mother has done nothing but lie to him and fill his head with empty promises. she has many times chosen men and drugs over him and her mother his grama actually told him that it ok to drop school and get a ged when he was 11!! We got him 4 yrs ago when child's services took him from his mom for living in a garage with him. we quit letting him see them after the grama told him it ok to get ged and we have had problems with him and school ever since. child services told us that if we let him go anywhere with them, the mom or grama, that they would take him from us! It has been very frustrating trying to guide this boy down the right road but i love the hell out of him and jus wish he would respect me a lil more and appreciate the things i do for him. I'm the one who takes care of everything in our home from appointment s to laundry to homework to taxi lol . tryin to hang in there

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/23/2013

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And, Gina...he's testing you to see if you'll 'stick around'...

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/23/2013

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Ok, Gina, YOU are doing fine. You are correct. The kid needs the attention that you're giving him, including the stress about grades, etc.

Sounds like his dad needs some counseling though, and perhaps some parenting guidance as well.

Can you and the boy spend some time together without the baby? So that he knows that he's still important to you, that he can trust you, and come to you with problems? Because, honestly, his dad's method of "ignore it" is just causing it to get worse. Can you get dad into counseling sessions?

Gina Marie - posted on 07/23/2013

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He jus started counseling about a week ago. i love him like he my own and been with his dad goin on 3 yrs. i haven't ignored him tho i jus can't. my husband says i actually dwell on him too much. he only tell me to ignore him cuz i guess me worryin bout our son so much stress him out. He say that me stressin over whether or not he do his homework or study is causing too much drama where i feel that I'm only doing what a good mom would do. its very frustrating. sometimes i feel like i care about the kids grade and hygeine and healthmore than the kid do himself ! I try to get him to eat healthy and avoid caffeine and junk cuz he overweight but he sneak it then give me atttitude when i tellhim bout it. I'm in counseling myself too. thanks for ur advice i am trying so hard to b a mom to this kid but feel like he hates me

Gina Marie - posted on 07/23/2013

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He jus started counseling about a week ago. i love him like he my own and been with his dad goin on 3 yrs. i haven't ignored him tho i jus can't. my husband says i actually dwell on him too much. he only tell me to ignore him cuz i guess me worryin bout our son so much stress him out. He say that me stressin over whether or not he do his homework or study is causing too much drama where i feel that I'm only doing what a good mom would do. its very frustrating. sometimes i feel like i care about the kids grade and hygeine and healthmore than the kid do himself ! I try to get him to eat healthy and avoid caffeine and junk cuz he overweight but he sneak it then give me atttitude when i tellhim bout it. I'm in counseling myself too. thanks for ur advice i am trying so hard to b a mom to this kid but feel like he hates me

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/23/2013

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Has this child been in counseling?

Because, I have to say, the indicators from his father (doesn't care to hold a punishment for more than 2 days, telling you to completely ignore the kid and dote on the baby...) are telling this kid that he really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of your household.

See, basically, his dad doesn't care enough to be consistent in punishment, and by you ignoring him and basking in the baby, he sees that he's not important to either of you. That, my friend, hurts. Deep, in the heart. You started to try to be a mom for him, but gave up fairly quickly from the sounds of it.

Sounds to me like the kid is desperately crying for ANYONE to notice him. And he'll live with it being negative attention, because his dad doesn't care to really notice any other behaviour, and you've been told to completely ignore him. So, now he does things to FORCE you to see him. He doesn't care that it's bad, he doesn't care, because at least, for a few minutes, when you're yelling at him because the cops brought him home you're looking at him, and seeing him.

Somebody's got to give this kid a reason to feel loved.

I suggest counseling. Individual for him, also for he and his father jointly, and finally all of you as a family to learn how to work this new dynamic.

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