help - 16 yr son very disrespectful, rude and immature

June - posted on 07/30/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )

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My 16 yr old son was extremely rude. Out at dinner he complained the whole time, wrestled with younger brother, and threw food in the water. Then walking home I was accidentally in front of him and he gave me a push out of his way. When I corrected him on this he called me a retard for being in his way. All this in front of his uncle who we haven't seen in two years. Embarrasing and disappointing that both my kids have turned out to be rude and lousy to be around. I took away phone & allowance and said he was grounded. He said no way when he didn't do anything wrong, went out anyways and spent the night somewhere. I will not give him phone and allowance back until I feel he is sorry. What else can I do? He is such a negative influence on the younger, 14 yr old. Together they can be hell to deal with.

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Melissa - posted on 08/05/2012

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It is difficult to undo years of not disciplining a child. Every parent looks back on what they did or did not do. It is too late to live in regret. All you can do it take action and help him to see why this is important for him, not you. Many times, teens do not see how doing the right thing is for their benefit as they do out into the world.

Have you thought about getting him into counseling? Or someone who could inspire him that is not a part of the immediate family. It sounds like your son has some possible anger issues and is lashing out. Observe him and see if there is some sort of issue in his life. Being 16 is a very difficult age. There is no such thing as sweet sixteen. haha It does get better, and he needs some relief from something. He may be experiencing peer pressure, could be experimenting with things that he should not like drugs or alcohol because of his rebellious behavior. If he has any ADHD issues, he could be lashing out because of his internal struggles. I am just trying to help bring to light that it could be some underlying issues.

Most of all, spend one on one time with him. Talk to him. Do activities that help him to feel comfortable talking to you about everything. My son loves to go out to eat and he always talks to me then.

It sounds like you may be blaming yourself for what you may have not done in the past with your son. Torturing yourself with self blaming will not make the matter worth, so ensure you are being compassionate not only with your son, but with yourself. Keep your faith. This is temporary. This too shall pass. If you are a believer, pray for him and for the family and God will show you the way.

Sending love and prayers to you and your family.

M.

Valerie - posted on 08/01/2012

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It does seem that taking away allowance and phone is not enough for him to care... you are going to have to find exactly what things of his he just "can't live without".. be it the computer/computer time, music (ipod, radio, whatever), video game systems.. or even better, all of the above... I have twin 16 year old girls.. soon to be 17.. they have been in a lot of trouble with the law and with me and disrespectful... FINALLY after a couple years of tough love, I am getting the respect and love from them that I expect... it got down to taking away their bedroom door (i.e. no privacy except when going to the bathroom)... It's never too late (as I read below in your comments).. respect is given when it's earned... so until he can respect you, he doesn't need the "nice" things in life that you provide.. everything except for a mattress, blanket and 2 changes of clothes are required ya know ;) it's HARD.. believe me.. it's VERY HARD.. but it WILL pay off if you can hold your ground and demand the respect. Good luck! Valerie~~

Teresa - posted on 08/06/2012

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is he getting enough time with his father? this can be a big influence and you also need to look at the crowd hes hanging out with and how they treat their parents, there is obviously something going on in his world that hes bottling up, on the other hand is the younger child getting more attention then he is or are his hormones just raging because of his age?

Karen - posted on 08/01/2012

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I would have called the police about rounding him up from his sleepover. I've done it...don't have to do it anymore now because my kids are 18 and above... however, if privileges and grounding are warranted...they listen. When they are under 18, the parent is responsible for their well-being. I know it's hard though. Went through it with one and just coming out of it with my 18 y/o. I do sympathize with you though. These are the worst years. Hang in there and stand your ground. There is a light at the end of the tunnel :)

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Sophie - posted on 11/10/2014

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Hi Kristin , I like your approach , I feel I have been too lenient with my daughter now 16 and behaving like a princess! I took away her phone for the first time tonight , she went to bed at 7 pm , worrying to think that she couldn.t find anything to do appart from being on the damn smartphone , she has school work and books, and has had dance and music lessons, she seems hell bent on being resigned to nothing, closing off, very worrying tomorrow I am going to have her do chores and cook with me ! sophie

June - posted on 08/01/2012

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Thank you Valerie. The doors had just come back on because the marijuana issue has been over for a few months now. They will come back off today. He already was asking me today if he is grounded for just one day. I said when I get the respect and am treated like a human being then we will talk. I gave both boys a ton of chores today. I think this will have to go on for an extended period of time. We are walking distance to everything so it is real easy for them to just leave even when grounded. The only other thing I can think of is to disconnect cable and stay strong with no allowance and no phone. I told them I did not work hard & do everything right for 47 years only to be taken advantage of and called a retard by my own children. This has been unbelievable to me.

Kristin - posted on 07/31/2012

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Yes teenage years are not fun are they? it is never to late to correct things and have your child respect you. This is the time they should be learning more respect and manner as soon they will be headed off to college and the big bad world of being an adult lol potential employers look for attitude and respect as well maybe tell your son that too. Keep taking privledges away and dont give them back until they can learn to be respectful and use their manners. It is hard as teens seem to feel they know everything and are always in the right but they are not lol I wish you luck and all the best

June - posted on 07/31/2012

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Thank you, Kristin. We have been too lenient for too many years. I hope it's not too late to correct. I've had so many problems with the two boys encouraging each other to push the limits on disrespect. I've taken away so many things. When I call the police they don't take it seriously because they know it's disrespectful kids and not a runaway. The younger one is complying but not the 16 yr old. He says he doesn't care about the phone or allowance. I'll hold strong on not giving the stuff back until I get a real apology and some changes. I'm in disbelief at how foul he has become, and he says he did nothing wrong.

Kristin - posted on 07/31/2012

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I would take away every single one of ther privledges and poseesions, let htem have the bar basics until they can learn to be respectful. Stand your ground and be firm your the mother not them and no child should treat their mother that way. If they want to act like immatuire babies than treat them as such, no phones, no computer, no friends houses, no tv, no gaming systems, no ipad no nothing. Make them do chores even make some up to earn their keep. When my 16 yr old was disrespectful to me once, i took away everything and I made him scrub toilets, mop floors vacujum wash wall;s the whole nine yards until he could learn to use his mannners and be respectful. I always tell my kids you were not raised in a barn so do not act like an animal if you do you will be treated as an animal. Let me tell you after one week of no privledges and chores my son has never been disrespectful or rude since and i do this with my 6 yr old as well. If son leaves house without permission call the police tell them he is running away. DO not let them walk all over you. Good luck

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