HELP I need some disipline ideas for my 15,14 and 13 yr olds please help

Monique - posted on 06/03/2009 ( 30 moms have responded )

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Hi there I am at my wits end.I am finding it really hard to find disipline for my teenagers my 13 yr boy wont do anything, and nothing I have done for disipline works,he just doesnt care.My 14yr girl has tantrums and swears at me and hits me and my 15 yr old works and doesnt have a social life for me to ground her from.I have tried taking things away but they dont give a dam.What else is there to do.

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Observe WHO yur teens are and treat them in a maner they understand. treat each one individualy. they are not all the same so why should you treat them all the same? maybe when they are in a group yeah but not when you are on a one on one basis.I find if I talk to my teens like I would an adult member of the family, it works wonders and it shows them you have respect for them, aswell as love them too.They are not children to be punished anymore. If you show them respect for who they are as an INDIVIDUAL they will show you some back. Stay calm cool and collected! But most of all be firm (not loud or mean). Always have some fun too. Joke around a BIT! TALK to them. You will be suprised. Good Luck! Mother of a 16 yr old son and 14 yr old daughter.

Melanie - posted on 06/04/2009

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its hard when it gets to that point. if there was any disciplining on your part when they were younger that had to do with hitting then they may have hard feelings about it. they may feel like they are getting back at you. the sad thing is that hitting is a primitive form of discipline that is still handed down through the generations. you may have to do what i did and swallow your pride and tell them you were wrong... and at the time you didnt know better... if you didnt discipline them that way then that behavior was learned from somewhere and you would have to have a family meeting about respect and communicating anger in a healthy manner. if any of this hit home you are more than welcome to ask me questions. but remember.... forgiveness has to start somewhere when its a vicious cycle.

Angie - posted on 06/04/2009

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Take away their privacy. I know that sounds horrible but take their doors off their hinges and make them earn them back one screw at a time. If their rooms are a mess, remove everything from their rooms except their beds. You have to find the things that are most important to them and use them to your advantage. They will soon be out on their own and you need to teach them respect and responsibility before it's too late.

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Merril - posted on 07/13/2009

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visit the website www.boblancer.com He is on the radio here in Atlanta on Sunday nights and has been providing counseling for years. He has written books too.

Rhonda - posted on 07/12/2009

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a book recommended by Moody radio is: Have a New Kid by Friday : How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior and Character in 5 Days by Kevin Leman

It is for kids of all ages; I got a copy on sale at a christian store.

Suzanne - posted on 07/11/2009

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You need to read the book "Have a new Kid by Friday" . My husband and I have three children, ages 17,15,and 13. We read the book and it has changed everything! Read it today.

Julia - posted on 07/10/2009

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I see alot of comments being made about the lines being drawn when the 'now' teenagers are young. What do you if there were lines? My daughter used to be very respectful, mindful and helpful. She listened and obeyed and was social. Now, at 14 going on 15 she is rude, has no respect for us, antisocial and stays up all night just to sleep when the sun comes up. She complains about everything. Literally. Either we care too much about her or we don't care enough. She's is never happy with her life. I wish I had my little girl back!!

Mary - posted on 07/10/2009

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ok, but there's a lot of area between 'being their friend' read as no consequences, negligent parenting and the 'i'm the boss' whatever I say goes without regard to the child's agency. I find that both extremes don't work very well. I agree that it's best if good parenting starts at the beginning, but there is always hope. I do NOT believe that when they are teenagers is the time to come down really hard on them if things have already been so bad that things are out of control. Lines need to be drawn, but not with a sense of 'because you're the kid and you just have to live with it!'

Alisa - posted on 07/10/2009

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Before i decided to reply, I took the time to read everyone's reply to your post! All I can say is WOW! It boggles my mind when i hear that a CHILD hits and curses at the PARENT! WTF!!! I have 5 teens ( 20,18,16,15,13) and the FIRST time one of them try to raise there hand to hit me...would be the LAST time they see that hand attached to their arm! With that being said, you need to ask yourself when and why did you allow the lines to be crossed between parent and child? If the lines were made clear at the start ( around the time the child understands right from wrong)I think you wold not be having this problem with your kids. Parents need to stop trying to be their kids friends, and start being their parent. When parents try being friends with their kids, you are allowing the child to view you as their equal. How do you expect a child to respect your authority when you never enforced it??? If your 14 year old hits you and curses at you, I can guarantee you she has no respect, or fear of you! When I say fear, I'm talking about the fear of any kind of consequence for her behavior.

Julia - posted on 07/09/2009

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I have a 14 yr. old daughter and have asked for advice for the very same problem. I have heard of one mom who went as far as not caring. She just quit being interested in what they were doing. She'd say, " Don't ask me, you don't listen anyway. Make up your own mind. And don't call or come to me when you need help." This worked for her. Another lady told her kids " if you don't want to live by my rules and be respectful, find somewhere else to live." This also worked for her case. I am new to this teenage thing and don't like it one bit. Mine has done all you describe short off thr hitting. So far, I mean. I hope these examples can help you or give you some ideas.

Tina - posted on 07/09/2009

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Monique; let me tell you something, I am 38 and my son is 19. First of all I don't know where some of the commentors get their discipline from. But you have to start when they are little. This just didn't start happening when they became this age. They where doing the some of the same things now as they where when they where little but then i guess you thought it was cute. If you had been showing them what discipline and teachimg them about respecting other and themselves then maybe you wouldn't be in this situation. No child should swear and raise their hand to their parents or any adult, that is just wrong!! But parents you need to understand that some of this is your own fault and not having a father around does not always have anything to do with it. I raise my son by myself and he has never disrespected me. Of course when they get older they tend to as the older people say (smell themselves) but you as a parent need to put them back in their rightful place (being a child). You don't have to yell, curse, hit or beat a child. Whether you know it or not a child will do what they see and say what they hear. Best of luck to you and your children. It's not too late but you have to stay firm with them and let them know that you are the parent and that they are the child.

Mary - posted on 07/08/2009

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I most agree with Charrine's reply. I have yet to experience a case where a child has not positively responded to being respected. I know that it probably feels like you're in a deep hole right now because you have THREE children who are testing your patience and causing you worry. I have a 21 yo girl, an 18 yo boy, a 13 yo girl and a 3 yo boy. I have practiced respectful parenting for over 12 years and have not had any major issues with my children. They are amazing and fabulous. I have observed that punitive households seem to actually breed more problem children. It's a counterproductive cycle. There's an older book called "How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk". I read it about 20 years ago and it started me on a better pathway. But my best instant advice that you can start doing NOW is to take a deep breath, let go of the tension as much as you can and think about your child when they were a newborn. Remember the sweetness of their baby cheeks, recall nuzzling their little necks. Dig down through the muck and the tensions and the button-pushing and find as much of the pure mother love that you can inside of yourself. It's the light that all young beings need to blossom. Children don't WANT to behave badly. I take offense at that notion. What they want is love. Behaving badly is just a pattern or habit of attention seeking gone wrong. It's indicative of a deeper sadness. Love and respect is the cure. I know because my fabulous, charming 18 yo boy was headed toward a life of extreme anger and conflict and I turned that tide in a new direction when he was about 7 yo. I knew that I had to do something radically different. And that I had to change, not him. I've helped coach other friends out of destructive cycles. I think you can do it!! The fact that you took the time to post here says a lot.

TORRON - posted on 07/07/2009

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it is hard with one teenager let alone three all those hormones takes me back as mine are grown up
I had to bring three teenages up on my own and from experience you do have to set boundaries and be consistant .Someone once told me if you do not have the strength one day to say no to them and see it through then you might as well say yes .
Try and make sure that you find time for yourself each day just to recharge your batteries as children can drain you mentally. Don't be ashamed in asking for help from professionals that is what they are therefore like family therapy groups ask your GP
I went many occasions for various reasons with each one of them it may feel a bit intrusive at first but least your children will start to realise how they are making you feel and you them.They will help you set those boundaries and give you the support .
please don't think you have failed our children are not always influenced by there parents but are more than often influence by their friends .
I wish you luck and strength you will get that light at the end of the tunnel, most importantly you need to look after yourself keep strong regards

Tanya - posted on 07/03/2009

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Took my 14yo daughter to see a psychologist last week, all this behaviour is consistent with teens but the violence is an exception. This made me feel a little better and took away all the guilt and since I have been standing by what i say and not letting her guilt me, its worked wonders and I just ignore it when she has an outburst whats the point of arguing your just throwing more fuel onto the fire, keep calm, they hate that. Their mission is to get you upset and get you to argue back with them because then they can say and do what they want.

Bonnie - posted on 07/02/2009

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I have to agree with the privacy. Take the door, along with everything that is electronic in their rooms, other then the alarm clock. None of my girls have tv's cell phones or any type of game equipment for their bedrooms. Try going back to the old style of parenting where you had to earn the right to do anything.

Leslie - posted on 07/01/2009

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my son brought a girl in the house while we were a sleep @ 3 am. i found out by going through is texting on his phone.(i can do that i pay the bill) so i took his phone and put a pass word on the computer so he cant talk to her that way either. but he will use my phone if i lay it down or got my back turned. he is very deseatfull any more. dont no if its because of the girl of just being 14 i dont no what to do either if you get answers that work please let me no...

Heather - posted on 07/01/2009

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I saw an episode of Dr Phil once that really made me think. He said everything is a privlege, law states we have to put a roof over our kids heads, but that is it. He suggested taking everything out of their rooms, including doors, clothes, shoes, sheets, etc. He said you pick out an outfit for them the next day, you choose whether to make it something they would like or not. They can earn things back, but if bad behavior happens take everything back.

I know this would be extremely difficult to enforce, but extremely worth it. You have to stay firm and consistent. Good luck!

Darcy - posted on 07/01/2009

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I highly recommend "Let's Fix The Kids" by Dr. Jame Jones. He does presentations/seminars and has them on disc so that if you can't go to one of his seminars you can learn at home. Do a search on line for his program. It works!!

Mari-lyn - posted on 06/30/2009

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I just finished a book Have a New Kid by Friday By Dr Kevin Leman
Check it out it gives a lot of helpful things to change your household

User - posted on 06/30/2009

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Quoting Angie:

Take away their privacy. I know that sounds horrible but take their doors off their hinges and make them earn them back one screw at a time. If their rooms are a mess, remove everything from their rooms except their beds. You have to find the things that are most important to them and use them to your advantage. They will soon be out on their own and you need to teach them respect and responsibility before it's too late.



I agreee 100%!!  I have had my kids doors off the hinges and what a turn around!!  Teens want (and need) privacy, but they need to earn it.  Find whatever is important to THEM and use that as a punishment. 

Tanya - posted on 06/29/2009

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With regard to your 14 year old, a few weeks ago my 14 year old daughter hit me and damaged my arm quite badly, she constantly hit her 13 year old sister and I had had enough, After much thought and consideration about what to do, I went to the local police station and told them I wanted her charged with assault, Please believe me it was not easy and I didn't have her charged but 2 police officers went around to talk to her and explained to her that it is not acceptable to hit your mother and she gave them attitude but last night my 13yo told me that she had a conversation with my 14yo and mentioned that it had been a while since she had hit her, my 14yo responded with I'm not allowed then my 13yo said is that cause you can't go on camp and my 14yo said no I'm scared of the police. So as hard as it was, it has had a great outcome and I would have no hesitation going to the police again.

Michele - posted on 06/16/2009

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I feel your pain as. I have a 14 yr old boy that calls me a bitch and tells me I make bad decisions in my life and I need him to correct them for me!My daughter who is 12 yeah can you say juvy? I am at my wits ends as well. Bering single and no father in their lives does noyt help.And Now the summer is here. I may have to quit my job just to keep them from getting in trouble. They can't stand each other as well

Lee-Anne - posted on 06/09/2009

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Totally agree with Jana, I called the police on my daughter when she was 14 and boy did she get a fright of her life, she thought I was bluffing, well she now knows better.

How does that saying go "Spare the rod, spoil the child".

Jana - posted on 06/04/2009

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Setting ground rules, boundaries & consequences is key. Everyone needs to help out, keeping their rooms clean, garbages, dishes etc... come together decide who will do what. Provide a pre-determined consequence if the work is not done. Be consistent. Their are things to take away like cell phones, tv, computer, going out with friends, these are all privileges. Don't be angry when you do this. Be firm and confident. Other rules include language and physical violence. Neither should be tolerated. Have consequences ahead of time for those too. At 14 yrs old--I'd be calling the police ( I worked for 20 yrs in law enf, this is definitely warranted). I wish you luck but rules & consequences are your best bet & consistency is key. My guess is your 15 yr old is either very motivated or really just wants out of the house-work can be taken away too. Good luck I know it is hard.

Monique - posted on 06/03/2009

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hi thereQuoting Cindy:

I can only imagine the hardship you go through for you kids and for them to disrespect you so. Can I add you so we can chat more? Regards.



hi there, yea you can add me I would love to chat more.regards.

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Look up Heather Forbes book Beyond Logic Consequences and Control...SAVED MY LIFE!!! And still alive to talk about it. You are in my prayers...this is no easy road...

Cindy - posted on 06/03/2009

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I can only imagine the hardship you go through for you kids and for them to disrespect you so. Can I add you so we can chat more? Regards.

Cindy - posted on 06/03/2009

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I can only imagine the hardship you go through for you kids and for them to disrespect you so. Can I add you so we can chat more? Regards.

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