Help me with my sons girlfriend

Sue - posted on 10/11/2012 ( 29 moms have responded )

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I do not gey along with my sons girlfriend.He is 23 and she is 20.She already has a child who is 1 and I feel she is just looking for a Daddy for her son.I love her son and feel sorry for him cause she dont interact with him much.My son does great with him,he loves kids..She is a big drama starter and a drama quenn.Her main thing to do is run to my son and cry and say " Your Mom dont like me,I dont feel welcome at your house, Make her stop being mean..



Then myson and I argue cause he sticks by her side.I am not mean but I am direct.I dont beat around the bush when it comes to her furture,which right now, she has none,



My husband says just bite my lip cause this will never last..



What do I do? I cant take dailt stress of her.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/11/2012

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Well, for one thing, quit looking for negative things about the girl!



Like my grandma once said...if you can't say something nice...don't say anything at all.



I get it, really I do. No one is going to be good enough for your son (I have two boys myself, and trust me, I UNDERSTAND!!!), and the fact that this woman came into the relationship with a child in tow has probably biased you against her from the beginning. I'm not trying to be cruel here, but look back at the situation that you're complaining about, and see if, perhaps, there may have been an undercurrent present when you first met the woman.



Having been "the girlfriend" dealing with a mother who didn't like me at all, I'll tell you, it didn't matter what I did to try to further the relationship, the woman that I was trying to build a relationship with simply did not want one. I heard how I was a loser, how I was never going to succeed because I didn't have my entire life planned out by the time I was 16...I heard it all, and I didn't have the added "stigmata" of being a young, single parent.



Look at it this way. For some reason, your son is attracted to this woman, and interacts well with her son. Did you raise someone who is deficient in his reasoning skills? I doubt it, so why are you doubting him? Why, instead of degrading her by pointing out her many failures in life, don't you instead try to find ways to encourage this young lady? Because, honestly, I bet she knows what she's done wrong up to now, and you pointing out that she's "got no future" is not necessary, it's spiteful, and it's mean. You think that YOU cannot handle the "daily stress" of her...well, what about you forcing daily stress upon HER, with your actions???



So, what are you going to do to handle this situation? I stand with your husband. Bite your lip. If you can't find something positive about the girl to compliment, then keep your mouth shut. The likelihood that "this won't last" is strong, but the likelihood that this relationship will blossom into a marriage is also very strong, and the sooner you learn to look for the good in people, rather than finding all of the negative and constantly pointing it out, the sooner you may find that this young lady is actually a charming young woman with worlds of potential that is just waiting for someone to tap into.



You say that you "feel sorry" for the child in the picture...well, maybe, just maybe, God decided that your son would be the perfect person to help her learn how to interact with her child! Think about that for a few minutes.



Be thankful that you've raised a son that is compassionate, that is loving, and that is able to demonstrate those wonderful qualities.

Rachel - posted on 11/01/2012

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As hard as it is to back off and be silent, that is probably the best thing for you to do.

If she comes to you asking for help, just tell her sorry. I can't help you, you need to figure this stuff out on your own.

Loma - posted on 10/31/2012

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The more you push against her the tighter your son will stick to her. Biting your tongue just might work to your good in the long run.

Jennifer - posted on 10/23/2012

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From one mom to another, I can totally relate! My son was dating his girlfriend from the time they were 16. I even took guardianship of her when her parents threw her out at 17. She lived with us, and that's when the drama started. She began manipulating circumstances to make me look like the bad guy any time I told her she couldn't do something. My son had plans to go away to college from the time he was old enough to know any better. When the time came for him to leave for school, the drama became ten-fold...so much so that she lied and said that she was pregnant, to which my son responded by dropping out of school and returning home without letting anyone know what was going on. At one point we told her that she had to move out which caused even more drama. This caused my son to choose her over his family. When she came back to live with us again, she convinced him to marry her, and after less than a year of marriage she got pregnant. I never thought that things would turn out OK, and I still have my doubts, but what I did find was the more I tried to convince my son that she wasn't good enough for him or that she was only going to hurt him, the further my son pulled away from me. My advice is to accept her and do whatever you can to help her become a better person. Your son may still get hurt in the long run, but at least you know that you weren't the one that forced him to choose her over you.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/16/2012

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Sue,



Hang in there! I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter...but maybe that has something to do with you wanting to help this young lady.



Just let her make the moves. Don't let her come between you and your son, as you're still a "work in progress" with letting him go, and that's quite understandable

29 Comments

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Patricia - posted on 11/05/2012

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THIS IS WHAT IVE LEARNED, TO STAY OUT OF THIS AS MUCH AS YOU CAN,HE KNOWS WHAT SHE DOES, AND ,NOT LIKEING THIS IS PART OF IT...LET HIM SEE FOR HIMSELF ,JUST BE SUPPORTIVE WHEN HE NEEDS IT...BE AS NICE AS YOU CAN EVEN THOUGH ITS VERY HARD TO DO...I HAVE GONE THROUGH SOME OF THIS AND GETTING IN THE WAY OF HIS LEARNING LESSON IS ONLY GOING TO MAKE HIM GO TO HER MORE.YOUR SON ALREADY KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL AND SO DOES SHE,ENOUGH SAID.....THINGS WILL WORK OUT OR THEY WONT.....THIS ISNT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR BUT HES A BIG BOY NOW AND HE MUST BE ABLE TO EXPERIENCE THINGS IN ORDER TO LEARN,,,,.

Patricia - posted on 11/04/2012

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i tried to help my daughter got she came and lived with me and then wanted her own place so i helped her get that then the ex came back and when she told him to go because she was pregnant with his child he punched her in the stomach and said now there is no baby thank fully she did not loose her and she was born healthy and he also broke her finger i had at the hospital and police he was charged and arrested but he got a good behaviour bond and she went back to him do i stay out of it but do not get to see my grandson or grand daughter very much at all and that is as he puts it my fault because of the trouble i supposedly caused when i was trying to help her and my grandson and then my unborn grand daughter

Patricia - posted on 11/04/2012

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i tried to help my daughter got she came and lived with me and then wanted her own place so i helped her get that then the ex came back and when she told him to go because she was pregnant with his child he punched her in the stomach and said now there is no baby thank fully she did not loose her and she was born healthy and he also broke her finger i had at the hospital and police he was charged and arrested but he got a good behaviour bond and she went back to him do i stay out of it but do not get to see my grandson or grand daughter very much at all and that is as he puts it my fault because of the trouble i supposedly caused when i was trying to help her and my grandson and then my unborn grand daughter

Tracy - posted on 10/24/2012

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I agree, if you play nice and this girl still plays the "momma don't like me" game, or a new game takes it's place, your son will tire of it and it won't last. Besides, if you start playing nice, maybe things will BE nice. Maybe you can learn to see another side of her. If not, at least you aren't losing your son over this girl.

Sue - posted on 10/24/2012

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Thanks Jennifer Gantz..I am trying so hard not to push him to her.He has been home for a week and a half and not going over there bit texting and calling her all day when he is suppose to be at work. She is so manipulating him and it makes me sick.She drinks and smokes pot all the time and how is she to get a job or go to school and be a good Mom to her son when thats all she does...

When I found out that she took her son to her "Drug dealers" house and then came here I told her she is not to come to this house again and that she is lucky that I did not call CPS on her..I knew she did that cause of the person with her is now no longer friends with her and has told me and her parents that this is going on. Now I know my son is not doing drugs cause he gets tested always at his job. Plus I am a recovering addict and work in that field and know all the signs and smells of pot when it is brougjt into my home.

My son and I had plans last night to watch a show together and he comes home from work and says he is going over there to watch it with her...Broke my heart..I cried like a baby.The show hit close to home cuase it had to do with my disability and he dogged me for her.My husband came home from work and I was upset and he is the best and told me to let him go and i try..

Threenorns - posted on 10/23/2012

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i know the curtain's come down on this particular drama but i had to say your hubbie's a wise man - NEVER get between your kids and the loves of their lives (which will be many, mostly fleeting). the fastest way to being mother of the bride is to get mixed in there.

Sue - posted on 10/23/2012

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O I know.Ty are not together but still talking.She has not been here except to pick up some of her sons shoes but she did not come in.I deleted her off my faceebook awhile ago and she friended me again the other day..Why I dont know but I did not accept..

We did not part on a good note and I told her she was not welcome here so we shall

see how it all plays out. My son did tell her that she has to make it right with me before he would ever even consider anything with her again besides her gettting all her other stuff together like a job,school etc..

Laci - posted on 10/23/2012

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Yep...you have to say nothing! The more you hate on her the more he will come to her rescue! If you keep letting her come between you both you may lose your relationship with your son. Just let it play out..odds are in favor of it not lasting!

Pam - posted on 10/21/2012

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Okay, my only response is to say nothing. Your son will see her for who she is or he wont. He is grown and unfortanely has to make his own mistakes. Sit back, be nice and let him become the man you raised him to be. Good luck. As a footnote, my mother in law didnt like me either. She made no secret of hiding it. I let her be on her terms. I didnt push or complain about her. People told me i should confront her, I chose not to. Today we have a nice relationship and get along wonderfullly.

Sue - posted on 10/18/2012

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Thanks and I know.I do not even bring her up..Even in these past few days he has been seeing his friends again which makes me happy...

L R - posted on 10/18/2012

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Sue, it sounds like your son is starting to see things clearly. It had to work its course and I'm sure that he may even love her but knows that it doesn't get any better. She needs to be responsible for herself and your son has a future ahead of him.



Things have a way of turning out..... just be supportive and let him know you are there. Word of advice.... do not talk in a negative form about this girl... he already knows.

Sue - posted on 10/18/2012

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Well they are not together at this point.He said he hit his breaking point with her.She want crazy on him as he put it..My husband told just sit back and she will slice her on throat with him and she did.

I hate seeing my son sad but he is dpong pretty good...Just working and comung home and spending some good family time with us and its nice.He told her until she gets her sh** together and gets a job and gets into school and works towards her future then they have different goals.

He is 3 years older and has goals where she isonly 20 and has none...



He had a long talk with his Dad and he seems to know that he can't "change" her that she has to want to do it.



Thanks for all the input..

L R - posted on 10/16/2012

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Sue, it sounds like you have always protected your son which is a great thing!!!! I believe that at this point at age 21, he needs to make his own decisions and you need to back off. I don't mean it in a harsh way, I mean this to save your relationship with your son. You need to make yourself unavailable sometimes when his girlfriend comes over so you don't fall into her manipulation. If you just step out of the situation, you will not be available to assist in any way (ie. babysit, search for daycare, etc.). This is not your responsibility.... she can ask her parents to help and if they don't, it's not your job. If they should decide to stay together, which I doubt they will, then at that point, you do become the gramma and help but not until then. Your kind gestures may be taken the wrong way. Do yourself a favor..... step back and be unavailable... let us know if you do this.

Donya - posted on 10/16/2012

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You welcome and I understand aboutbeing overprotective my 21 year old is leaving the state so I have to live by my own words. Trust me I know how hard it is to let go.

Sue - posted on 10/12/2012

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Thank you..I am trying my hardest to just be silent..I have been doing pretty good..I have to let him make his own decisions I know.I am over protective of him and have been cause I lost my daughter at the age of 10 and it has not been fair to him..We (him & I) are doing ok and he understands why I am the way I am..I just need to work on it more.Hard for me to admit that I cant let go but I am a work in progress..

Donya - posted on 10/11/2012

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Not meaning to sound unreasonable but if you don't backoff some you might but a wedge between you and your son, and I know you don't want that. If the other suggestions don't work, you have to be silent when it comes to the girl. I'm speaking from both sides of the issue, as the daughter who had the lazy boyfriend and the mother if a 21 year old girl. It can be a no win situation. If you keep fighting or negatively talking about her then she will come between you two. Sounds like you have tried to be nice. You have to trust, that you have raised a reasonable good young man, who will see her true colors. It could also be he sees what you might be saying and is trying to prove you wrong in the matter. He may be really attached to the kid and may not want to leave at the moment. You still have to trust in your up upbringing of him.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/11/2012

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Well, in that case, Sue, I'd back off. She needs to find her space. She won't do that until she finds out that she needs the education in order to get a better job. At some point, she'll pull her head out and grow up, or at least one could only hope.



At this point, I'd sit down with her, maybe go for coffee or something...and tell her that you're available, but she needs to make the first moves, such as scheduling interviews with daycares, or admission interviews. Tell her that you will go with her, if she'd like, but that if she cancels the appointments at the last minute, you'll not be as readily available in the future.



But, honestly, it's your son's relationship, and he is an adult. So is she. If they're happy with the way things are, then you aren't going to be able to do much

Sue - posted on 10/11/2012

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She is the one asking for help.I don't offer..She has come to me many times asking for help with finding day cares and why her son don't talk and can I watch him so she can go job hunting only to find out she went shopping or just hung out and her house all day and slept...

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/11/2012

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you are pushing her beyond her comfort zone. I'd feel railroaded too, to be honest.



You see it as "giving", "helping", etc. But, each time you want to do something it's a BIG move for her. Unless she's come to you and said "I would like your help with this", then you're pushing. The reason that she's calling it off "at the last minute" is because she feels backed into a corner, but doesn't know how to tell you "no, thanks" without upsetting you. Probably because, each time she calls it off, you make a comment about it.



How about backing off? Pull your nose out of their business. Let her figure out WHAT she wants to do, and WHO she wants to be.

Sue - posted on 10/11/2012

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Thank you. I did like her in the begining but as they move along in there relationship I find out more and more about her that is very sad.

I have pointed out the good in her and have been there to try and help her cause she dont have the best support at home.But everytime we are to do something like look into daycares for her son so she can start school and look for work, she calls me the moning of and has an excuse as to why she cant go...So we have never got to ho and she was to start school in a few weeks now thats put off again.

When I ask her about this she calls my son and says I yell at her,which I don't cause thats not me..My son has changed cause of her andd his friends and cousins have told him his.His dad has also .so hopefully he opens his eyes soon.I love my son and would do anything for him.

I I don't sit and talk all negative about her either.I help with her son and am worried cause he is one and not saying any words at all yet..

But she leaves him with her parents every chance she gets cause she says she needs a break..

Thanks for your input..

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