help my 15 year old wants to stay over at her boyfriens and let him stay at ours

Jenni - posted on 06/26/2012 ( 42 moms have responded )

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hi all my daughter is 15 and has a steady boyfriend we are very open about sex and she is on the pill and we talk oftern about sex, desieses, pregnancy and underage sex... she knows its illegal untill she is 16 and id rather she waited longer still ( i had her at 15) she has asked if she can stay at her boyfriends house what do i do ... should i set rules like yes he can stay on the sofa or do i say straight out no !

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Margaret - posted on 07/17/2012

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Interesting stuff, everything that's been posted here.

I think every situation needs to be treated as unique.

At this point I am balancing my background and family history with current reality. Which is that my son's first (and only) girlfriend isn't just staying over, she's living with us.

This is balanced against the fact that when we visit my mother, my husband and I are required to sleep in separate rooms, even after nearly two decades of marriage and a child.

My son will turn 16 in a few months and we celebrated his girlfriends 15'th birthday last week.

Less then a month ago I became nearly unhinged at learning that my boy even had a girlfriend. I became consumed with visions of some little brown slut and my perfect boy going at it like ferrets.

Now I am becoming much more sanguine about a lot of things. I had to open my home to this young girl when her home life became acutely intolerable and she very nearly suffered unspeakable brutality.

This came after my treating her really badly, calling her an evil skank to her face and being prepared to hate her with every fiber of my being.

They are not having sex. No, I am not naive or blind or stupid. They are not having sex......yet. And that likely will change sooner or later.

I will cope.

Felicia - posted on 06/28/2012

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Michelle,

As one of the people you referred to as idiots I think it's an idiotic thing to call someone names just because they have a difference of opinion from yours! Just a friendly word of advice and as you said it is ENTIRELY up to the mother. So be careful what you speak about others because you may be the one displaying what you are accusing others of.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/11/2012

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My daughter is 15, I also have a 21 year old son. I have also always been very open about sex with both kids. My advice to both of them is if they couldn't wait until marriage to at least wait until they were older to deal with the emotional baggage and potential consequences of an unplanned pregnancy. With that being said I believe allowing sleep overs is a mistake.

My opinion is that at 15 kids are not ready for everything that comes with having a sexual relationship. While as parents we can't necessarily stop them from engaging in that activity, condoning the activity and encouraging it is not something that we should be doing.

The other thing to think about is the legality of it. Depending on where you live and how old her boyfriend is, 16 may not be the consent. As a parent you could be charged with failure to act. It would be very sad to see her boyfriend end up in jail and as a registered sex offender for a little fun.

Jen - posted on 07/24/2012

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Jenni, this is one of the hardest things I had to face when my son started dating...I would have never thought of spending the night at a boyfriends house or them staying at mine until I was much older...however, times have changed and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it didn't matter one way or the other if they were going to have sex they would find a place to do it. I decided that allowing them to spend the night together under my roof was fine at least I knew where they were and what they were doing. My son has had sleep overs with girls since he was 13 and I was fine with that. I see nothing wrong it. I might add that it may have been different if his girlfriend lived just down the street but every girlfriend he has had stay over lived in a completely different town.

It is always fun to have slumber parties where mom stays in the same room with them too :)

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/29/2012

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Michelle, you may have freedom of speech where you live, but where I live, we also have consideration.

Yes you have the "freedom" to call everyone who doesn't agree with you an idiot. However, that, in itself, is a very demeaning statement, and by your follow up of "I stand corrected...but I won't apologize for what I said".

So, you're ok with calling all of the rest of the responders idiots because they don't agree with you, but you're not adult enough to apologize when you realize that your wording was off, and it should have said "the idiotic responses" rather than "these idiots".

"these idiots" is insulting, and offensive, and to be quite honest, a childish way to try to get your point across. "the idiotic responses" is your opinion, which you are more than entitled to.

42 Comments

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Ripleybird - posted on 12/01/2012

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As long as th econdom and female birth control is both being applied.... I can allow certain arraingments as far as they have spoken to us about what will happen if one of them has n STD or a pregnancy occurrs. I guess I'm not very popular , but Boys will use Girls who have no self esteem. and Vice/verse.

Linda - posted on 08/14/2012

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I don't believe teenagers should stay over boyfriends house and the boyfriend shouldn't be allowed to stay at your house. If they want to play house they can wait until their out of your home.

Julie - posted on 08/10/2012

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Straight up No is what I would say. What is the point? At 15 I think is to young, but that is just me. They can hang out together in the evening at each others place, but you should still have a bed time. Good luck Mama, but stay strong. Boundaries are important at this age, keep setting them.

Lizzielucas - posted on 07/25/2012

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im glad your open with this stuff, if you believe shes responsible enough and understands the dangers let her! not all teenagers are at it like rabbits, a boyfriend can be as close as a bestfriend, and if he makes her happy there's no reason why a sleepover should be stunted. Also as you had her at a young age it may be quite hypocritical if you don't let her, especially from her point of view. also the best thing is shes asked you, that's great, she could of easily "stayed at a friends house" by her asking you know she hasn't done that, showing she trusts you.

Kristi - posted on 07/17/2012

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It's good to see you back, Margaret! Sounds like things are going well. Happy for you all!

Amy - posted on 07/17/2012

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In my opinion if you let him stay over, or let her stay over there you are telling her it is she has no limits. There need to be boundaries, birth control pills do not always work, and babies are lots of work for a very young couple. Teenagers need limits too, and this is never a good idea. The boys family shouldn't allow it either, and other kids at school will look at her as someone who is having sex, is easy, and lots of other things. I do not believe you want her to be looked at that way. If they love each other waiting until they are mature enough to not do it in their parents homes. All teenagers are not having sex, and if you think you can be sure it isn't happening if they are sleeping over together with each other couch or not you are only fooling yourself. If it isn't happening other people will label her anyway. I know many girls that in the last year who were strictly taking their bc pill got pregnant. Good luck, and I hope things work out for you.

User - posted on 07/13/2012

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My boyfriend does not stay over at my house; his daughter and her boyfriend (now son-in-law) slept in separate room when they stayed at his house (even though they had an apartment together) out of respect for the father. That was the boyfriend's decision. Tells what kind of man she married last November.

Something to think about.

User - posted on 07/13/2012

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My answer to my daughter was "sure - he can stay in your room, you can sleep with me!" Being over the BF's house is a NO, unless you know the parents well enough to assure that the arrangements would be the same there.

At the end of the day, if they want to share the intimacies of sex, being in your home or not will not stop them. But do you really want to have it in your face?

Pocahantas55 - posted on 07/12/2012

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Hi,

I would definitely not allow my daughter to sleep over her boyfriend house. The same question arised once when for my daughter birthday his family wanted to take her to a indoor water park and stay overnight, I said NO!

Her boyfriend has slept over once for some rare reason I do not remember but it is different for everyone. I trust my daughter she slept in her room and he slept downstairs in the sofa, my bedroom door was wide open and right across her room.

Plus I had a talk with him ,,,, it only occured once. But I would now say no if they asked again....Teenagers need discipline and rules and you cannot give in, remember you are the parent and they have to just listen and follow your rules...

Good luck!!!

Misty - posted on 07/12/2012

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You say no....the end. Just because you are covering your basis by making sure she is prepared if/when she decides to have sex, you don't have to set the scene and make it easier for it to happen. She is 15....when she is 18 she can spend the night wherever she likes.

Janet - posted on 07/12/2012

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Well personally I think alot depends on how long the relationship has been going on and whether you like the boy. I have allowed my dd's bf to stay here on weekends because I would rather them be somewhere safe and not be in the back seat of a car or risk getting caught by the police. Alot has to do with your own comfort level too. Five years ago I would never have imagined letting my daughter have a boyfriend sleeping over in her room, but I've changed my thinking and so far it's worked out quite well. But it's not for everyone. Janet

Elizabeth - posted on 07/11/2012

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I would say no.

Here is a thought...if you put a piece of chocolate in front of a three yr old and leave the room....he is gonna eat it. What do you think is going to happen while you sleep?

If you don't want your daughter to end up pregnant like you did at 15 because you know how hard it is...I would say no.

Jeana - posted on 07/10/2012

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I read this thinking is a parent really asking this? I was a teen mom and now have 2 Teen daughters along with 2 younger kids there is no way I would allow it. There is no reason for bf or gf to be spending the night!

Sarah - posted on 07/08/2012

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If I had a 15 year old daughter who wanted her boyfriend to spend that night I would say yes, as long as he had a full time job with a pension, a years worth of salary in a savings, a reliable car, a house, health insurance, put a ring on her finger and planned the wedding for after she graduated college, AND slept on the couch while I slept on the floor next to him. :) But, honestly? Even that is cutting it too close. She's 15. She needs to focus on her goals, sports, school, charity, volunteering, etc. She's a baby! A child herself... still a baby!

This is just my opinion... but I can relate in the sense that I was like your daughter when I was 15. My parents worked. They couldn't be there all the time... and I had no sense of direction. Having a boyfriend was something to do... and I ended up pregnat. If someone were in my life telling me to stay on track and kicking my butt into gear, I probably would have had a different outcome. However, with that being said! I am a better parent because of it.


Good luck mom! Be strong ♥

MyFavoriteSon - posted on 07/03/2012

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Hi Jenni,

I would recommend going with your gut reaction. I have the feeling you may want to say "No" but perhaps are afraid of her response. Go with what feels right, not what others or your Daughter thinks. I having a 17 yr. old, I know how hard it is to say no at times. You then have to deal with a bad attitude ect... In addition, if you say yes this time are you encouraging something that you don't want to be habit forming? Again, this has to be your call. The very best to you, I know it is tough raising teens.

To the person who calls names (idiots) I believe you said. I don't know if there is a right answer, we are all just trying to help and put our best suggestion forward. Calling names doesn't really solve Jenni's problem. Tolerance can go a long way sometimes. We are all here to try and support each other. Raising kids does not always have a right answer.

Jenni - posted on 07/02/2012

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Hi to everyone and thankyou for all your comments I have read all pf them and decided to say no... i explained to my daughter why we dont think its a good idea for her to stay at his as maybe his mum and dad wernt as open about sex and growing up as us and in a very grown up way she just said "thanks mum i was just asking what you thought thats all" we talked about how i dont feel that a month is long enough in the relationship to be having sleepovers and pointed out to her as someone on here said ..she does see an awfull lot of him already i joked and said your not some old married couple you know.. i said if he wanted to stay over here for a special occasion that was fine with us as we would be there (we live in a bungalow so its not so easy to sneak around at ours) i said that i did trust her but that sometimes when your young (and once your older too ) your emotions can take over sense. she said she was glad we talked and has since asked a few questions about becoming an adult and i explained that its not easy for us to make decisions like that and so as she was going through her teenage years we were learning with her

Kristi - posted on 06/29/2012

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Shawnn--You have been popping up on my radar a lot recently, I enjoy your comments quite well. I often find myself "Woof Woof-ing" them because you shoot it straight and when there is an elephant in the room and everyone else seems to be ignoring it or dancing around it, you call everybody out on it. Basically, you don't pussy foot around. You're advice is rational and simple to understand. It has been refreshing to read your comments on various topics. I look forward to seeing more of your thoughts and recommendations. : )

Victoria--I agree that too many parents are trying to be friends with their kids these days. I am trying to find the a balance so my daughter says my mom can be cool but if you disrespect/lie/steal, etc, you will not want to mess with her. That's kind of how the neighborhood viewed my dad and it worked out pretty well. I'm strict on the big stuff but give her more leaway when it comes to socializing (I know all her friends and their parents and verify with the parent what is going on), picking out her own clothes, putting hot pink streaks in her hair, picking out her own earrings, but very little, if any make up until 9th grade, no short shorts and I have all the passwords to everything all the time. So far, so good. She is honest and very helpful. Sometimes her manners with me leave a little to be desired but I get compliments on her from other parents, but she's only 13, so I'm just heading into the snake pit! lol I will also be ashamed of myself and will know I am doing something wrong if I'm not given my proper place in the throne of the Royal Bitch! ; ) Wishing you and your family the best!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/29/2012

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To answer the OP.

In special circumstances, yes. Have I sent my kids on coed campouts without adults? Yes. So, I'm ok with it, simply because my kids have proven my trust time and again.

If you're not comfortable with it, say no. You are the final decision. But, if you say no, at least give her the respect of telling her, rationally, why.

Ramona - posted on 06/29/2012

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My daughter wants a herd of prancing ponies, and that ain't happening either. True, teens may have sex, but why in heavens would I make it easier for them to that? As I tell my kids, we are not Lutherans just for the hour we sit in the pew, I may not know all that they do, but we all will have to attone for our actions at some point, why add to the pile!?!?!

Victoria - posted on 06/29/2012

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thank you Kristi C, we're not perfect parents by all means, but self respect, dignity and self awareness has been instilled in my children since the beginning.... unfortunately, I have alot of friends who suddenly find their teenagers out of control, with some, we all saw it coming... it's been a WHOLE lot of work, which was something my parents had done with me.
I am their mother first, they have plenty of friends and I really don't care if they see me as a 'cool' parent... it's not my job to be their friend, when they're older, like my 25 year old, then we can be friends and mom/daughter too.... until their adults, they're my children and it's my job to lay down boundries and hand out consequences to those who think they don't have to follow the rules of the house.
We do allow them to speak their mind, ask questions.... I find myself giving explainations why I won't allow them to do something they want to and it has seemed to help.(I had a parent who's reason was always 'cause i said so!' which is just annoying but i do it now and then)
anyways.. again, thank you for the compliment but there's NO instructions that comes with your child when they're born.... you just take your little bundle of sweetness home and try to do the right thing for them.

and one more thing, has anyone ever asked their child what they took away from Sex Ed at school? I asked my 15 year old what she learned, I'm just dumbfounded.... so, I have to give a complete biology lesson to her now because what she said to me was astounding... spent an entire week and she got about 2 things and they were rediculous! ugh! Don't bother if you're NOT going to give out ALL information to these kids! At least she's more comfortable discussing it with me now, the first day was funny but now that we've discussed a few different things she's more open and asking ALOT of questions.... I asked her what her friends have told her, you'll all love this one... 'you can't get pregnant by having sex when you have your period' LOL.... silly kids... while that risk is less you CAN get pregnant anytime you have sex. Then she added, 'mom, that's just gross, i can't even think about anyone touching me when i have my period' GOOD KID! I didn't want to scare her but she definitely needed a reality check, almost thankful she's got a boyfriend now, at least it's giving us an opportunity to have some serious talks. She is a 'young' 15... bit more immature than her older sister at this age, but that's because we totally babied her(until NOW!). At least this is the last one I have to have the 'sex talk' with, god bless the rest of the people who are going to be doing it more than myself.. it's exhausting! Oh and I'm a nosey mother, I constantly take her cell and read the texts, much to her dismay.(She called me a 'bitch' when she was not allowed to do something.... yay! a badge of honor! LOL i said to her that i always expected her to call me that, i called my strict mother that too. I still loved her for her protection.)

Have a great weekend!

Michelle - posted on 06/28/2012

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I have no problem being corrected, as most people dont mind. So, i stand corrected, I should have statede that You can take the idiotic advice", Yet once again, I will not applogize. Freedome of speech is granted to all of us. Dont like my comments, dont reply.

Felicia - posted on 06/28/2012

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Michelle,

Correction you called us idiots, you didn't say what was said was idiotic. Isn't that exactly what you did condemn others for speaking their mind? It doesn't feel so good when the shoe is on the other foot. As I stated earlier be careful what you speak.

Michelle - posted on 06/28/2012

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@Kristi, Actually, my children are encouraged to speak thier minds irreguardlessof what they say or to whom they say it. So yes, they have called me an idiot when is disagreement with me. It is just words. My children are also treated as adults for the following reasons: they all recive A honor roll with out fail, have NEVER been in trouble with the law or athourity figures, each have a personal checking account with no less than a thousand each and are quite responsible. My oldest paid for her entire set of braces as well as the two eldest have both paid for thier cell phones and the bill. The also pay thier part of the internet bill for thier computers. Not many teens are capable of doing that, so yes, my daughters are able to do as they wish when they wish because they have shown me responsibility and respect.

Kristi - posted on 06/28/2012

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I'm sorry, I meant to comment to Victoria--your comment is excellent! You are right about not just focusing on sex but self respect and dignity as well. With your success rate, you should type up a manual for moms and dads who are approaching this stage. ; ) It sounds like you have a wonderful family. I see you are new here, also. I hope you find communities and threads that are helpful and supportive. There are some seriously great women on here. I also hope you have more advice like you gave here! Well, Happy Momming!

Kristi - posted on 06/28/2012

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Speaking your mind and calling people idiots are 2 entirely different things. I'm certain your teens don't agree with everything you say (of course, I could be wrong, miracles happen). Do they call you an idiot when they disagree with you?

Michelle - posted on 06/28/2012

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How do you mean, CoMom, I have two teen girls a pre-teen girl and an 11 yr old girl. I wont appologize for what I said. I do believe it is idiotic to flat out refuse, as some have suggest. As for what kind of person and mom, I am blunt, honestg and direct. if that offends people than they can either deal with it, or not. Rather than chide me for speaking my mind.

Victoria - posted on 06/28/2012

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i'm not here to condemn anyone with my answer or reason, but everyone seems to focus in on the whole 'sex' thing... face it, they have it with or without us 'permitting' that to happen, seems most girls these days ARE being wise, asking to go on the pill...my youngest daughter, turned 15 recently and has her first boyfriend(besides the ones she's texted over the past couple of years)... pregnancy is always a worry regardless of precautions that are supposed to be there, but i think what's missed is teaching these girls some self respect. I have 5 children, ages 15 thru 24, my oldest daughter is 24, she married her high school boyfriend last year after dating since she was 15. She was raised to be self respectful and sex is something that you do with someone you have deep feelings for, not as a substitute to fill the time after dark or sneak in whenever possible. After a couple of years, yes, she did have sex, she was responsible and asked that it was time to go on the pill, she felt she was mature enough to made the decision and fortunately, this boy toughed it out after being told 'no' a billion times.... but he respected her because she respected herself.
Now, with my youngest daughter, she's grown up with 3 older brothers, they are 18, 19 and 20, and my boys were raised to ask themselves... 'when you date a girl, do you treat her the way you want your sisters' treated?' and 'would you feel ok if your sister brought someone like you home?'.... i get compliments on the attitude and kindness of my boys as a whole from teachers, adults and other parents who have told me in the past 'i wish my daughter would find a descent boy like your sons'.... so, for the 'baby' of the house to have a serious boyfriend before any of her older brothers'.. it's been a bit weird, to say the least. Her brothers were not thrilled and basically sat this poor boy down and grilled him on his intents. ('poor boy' isn't really what I thought, i was thinking MY boys were awesome and caring brothers).
So, it's been a month of 'officially going out' (gotta luv how these kids classify things).... and I started to have some pretty serious and intense discussions with my 'baby' about ALL things, from how he should be treating her to sex and if he's already had sex .... all the lovely joys of being a parent of a teenager. I grew up with a mom who's sex talk was 'if you don't want to get pregnant, don't have sex...period'.... this was not helpful AT ALL and i had my oldest daughter when i was just 19.
So, to my HUGE surprise(or not now that i think about it) I have raised a completely self aware and self respectful 15 year old.... she informed me, before she said 'yes' she laid down the law on sex, 'i don't have sex, not ready to yet and not sure when i will be, can you deal with that?' She had been friends with this boy for about 5-6 mos prior, talking often as friends then apparently they found each other interesting.... so, his response 'yes, i would not force you to do something that you weren't ready for... BUT it would be nice'.... (nice? oh jeez i had a good laugh about this) he continued to tell her 'i really like you...you're different and i don't want to ruin our relationship'... the funny things our teens are actually discussing these days.

So, where do i stand on 15 year old girlfriend/boyfriend sleepovers... No way. This boy is a very respectful kid, BUT there are limits.... they're dating, they're not married, they shouldn't almost 'live' together. They should remain carefree as long as possible when it comes to serious relationships. This kid has been at our house a few times until midnight, but THAT is it, home he goes, AND they are chaperoned quite often and HATE it terrible. They're just starting out, these kids have so much more life to live, get to KNOW each other first.... I have tried to combine some old fashioned self dignity/respect for my children with a modern twist of being open in discussion(my boys are pretty closed with me on sex, but their father talks with them because it's more comfortable and my husband doesn't want to know the nitty-gritty about the girls just that they're safe, healthy and happy with who they're with)....

Everyone has their own views and opinions on this, i'm not saying anyway is right or wrong, but this is what's my view and how we are raising a large family of kids and trying to prevent them from repeating our stupidity when we were kids. So far, oldest daughter married before she's gotten pregnant.... and no children with the three boys and now we're dealing with the youngest daughter's newest stage in her life.

Kristi - posted on 06/27/2012

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Michelle B--"You could do as the idiots on here have said and say no..."



Definition of an idiot: a person of the lowest order in a former classification of mental retardation, having a mental age of less than 3 years old and an intelligence quotient under 25.



Let's see:



Jaen W--"Yes....boy/girl friends could stay over on the sofa or spare room but they couldn't sleep together under our roof until both parties were over 18....Everyone has their own house rule on this subject so it's up to you (Jenni) what happens with your daughter..."



Louise G--If you can police the fact that the lad is not going to sneak into her bed or her to his then yes this is fine."



Jennifer D--If he needs to stay there (on the couch) because he lives far away or maybe for a special event where they are out really late, like prom, then I might allow it.



Me--If it were Prom or a special event of some sort (like Jennifer D. said) I would probably allow him to sleep on the couch.....You (Jenni) have to decide what behavior you think is acceptable and what is not."



So here we have 4 moms who agree with your point of view to a certain degree. So does that mean were are just mildly idiotic? Jenni asked for our opinions and what other moms would do or have done. Wanting to set higher expectations, trying to discourage teen sex, any other reasons moms have for setting limits on what behavior will/won't be tolerated in their home and/or disagreeing with YOUR opinion does not make any of us idiots. Even if Jenni chooses to let her daughter's boyfriend spend the night and allows her to go over there, what makes you think that will keep them from having sex anyways? IMO, that is a pretty foolish assupmtion. Not wanting to promote sexual activity by giving our children permission to spend the night together all the time or part time does not mean we are not educating them about sex, protection and it's consequences or that we are closing the lines of communication. We are not foolish enough to think we can prevent all of our children from having teenage sex.



The bottom line here is that we are all entitled to our opinions. We have different experiences, rules and expectations, what may work for one, may not work for another. We can share all these things with Jenni and with each other in different threads on other topics. None of us can TELL Jenni (or any other mom) what the answer is. The only idiocy I see on here is closed minded moms who disrepect and condemn others for no other reason than a difference in opinion. Those moms condemn the person, not just the different idea/opinion/belief, etc. What kind of CoM mom are you?



editted for a spelling error

Michelle - posted on 06/27/2012

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first off, the answer is YES. I have 2 teen girls and would rather thier boyfriends stay at my home than them shacking up somewhere else. since the two of you seem to have an open and honest relationship, then i believe it is completly ok. she knows the rules, and if in your opinion she will respect and obey them then yes, allow it. Or you could do as the idiots on here have said and say NO but then she actually does have sex in rebellion and does get knocked up. choice is your but as a mom of teens i say yes.

Felicia - posted on 06/27/2012

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If it were my daughter, the answer would be absolutely NOT!!!! And you have to wonder what type of parents he has that would even allow this. 15 years old is not a mature age at all! This is only the time when they think they know everything but they DON'T!!

Kristi - posted on 06/27/2012

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ETA: I just reread this again and it came across to me like I was yelling this at you. I'm totally not! I'm just baffled. ; )

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When in hell did it become a common question/expection from TEENS to their parents that his/her significant, and I use the term loosely, other be able to spend the night with the option of having sex while he/she was there? If I had had even the thought to ask my parents that question, I would have been grounded for a month. Had I actually ASKED the question, they would have put me in a mental hospital and have had my head checked for having the absurb notion that having my boyfriend spend the night was even an option. I've been married twice and any time we (either husband, you can pick one lol) visited my parents, I never dreamed of having sex in their home. Color me a prude, color me old fashion or blind (which I am not) but I think it is just plain disrespectful. But I guess that is not at all what you are asking....



Obviously, I would say no. However, if it were Prom or a special event of some sort (like Jennifer D. said) I would probably allow him to sleep on the couch, while my daughter enjoyed a good old fashion slumber party with mom. I would only allow this after I personally spoke to his mom or dad and confirmed he had permission to do so. She would be allowed to do the same if his parents respected my requests that they remain separated all night. My daughter & I have a pretty open relationship. She's not afraid to talk to me and she is well aware of her boundaries. Do I expect this to stop her from pushing those boundries and crossing a few lines? No, she's a teen and that's what they do. But I'm not going to contribute to, support, or stand by and say oh well, when she decides she wants to get drunk or have sex or whatever other thing she thinks she wants to do because she's under the illusion that she's grown. She will (does) know ahead of time the possible life consequences each decision could have and she will know what discipline consequences each decision will have. Her decision may end up being impulsive but it will not be one due to lack of education or understanding. But I'm kind of strict on somethings.



You have to decide what kind of behavior you think is acceptable and what kind you don't. Then set the guidelines and stick to them. That is key. For example, if you give him permission to sleepover on the couch, lights out by midnight. The consequence for breaking this rule is no more spending the night for a month (or whatever), it's 3am and there they are all snuggled up together in her bed or on the couch, doesn't matter. They broke the rules. No more sleepovers for a month, no excuses, no exceptions. It is up to you to set the tone. Trust your instincts and remember there is nothing wrong with setting high standards. By that I mean just because you know she's having sex doesn't mean you have to approve of it or provide her with the amenities so she'll have an enjoyable experience. One day, she will be glad you set those standards and that she knows what they are because she will live up to many them and resort back to most if not all of them as she matures. She will pass them on to her children when it is their turn. Inevitably, like all of us, they will pick which ones they want to hold themselves to and which ones that don't mean as much at the time and the cycle will repeat itself. It's when we fail to set our standards and when we fail to maintain them in our own home that we let our children down. If they don't know any better, we cannot expect any better. Good luck and many blessings to you.

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Is there a REASON for him to stay overnight? If he needs to stay there (on the couch) because he lives far away, or maybe for a special event where they are out really late like a prom, I might allow it. I would NOT trust that she's really sleeping "on the couch" at his house just because she says so. If you are trying to discourage her from having sex, I don't really see a good reason for sleepovers. There is plenty of time for them to see each other during the day.

User - posted on 06/26/2012

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Straight out no!! She's 15!! Do you want her to be a parent at 15 like you were? I'm sure you're a great mom, but what's wrong with letting her enjoy her teen years without the adding pressures of parenthood. I think kids should abstain as long as possible. Til marriage would be great. I would not let her stay there overnight.

Louise - posted on 06/26/2012

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If you can police the fact that the lad is not going to sneak into her bed or her to his then yes this is fine. On the other hand my sons were not allowed to have girls stay over until they were 18 and in a stable relationship. You can talk to your blue in the face to teenagers about being careful and safe sex and all that but hormones take over and things happen.

If it was my daughter I would say no!

JAEN - posted on 06/26/2012

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When our teenagers asked the same question we decided that yes boy/girl friends could stay over on the sofa or spare room but they couldn't sleep together under our roof until both parties were over 18. We told them that pregnancy could happen even if they were taking precautions and if they were under 18 then we would end up supporting them as they were not adults at this time. We also made sure that the parents of the girl or boy involved knew this was our houserule. Once they were 18 then we decided they would be able to cope with pregnancy if it happened and as adults we knew if it didn't happen under our roof it would be somewhere else so they would share a room at this age.
The parents of the girl or boyfriend had their own houserules which was fine, one girlfriend of one of my sons was able to have him to stay only in their spare room but not together even after 18, they said they knew it was happening but they didn't want it in their house although she could stay at ours after 18 and they knew they slept together at ours and were fine with that.
Everyone has their own house rule on this subject so it's up to you what happens with your daughter but be aware they will have differing rules at the boyfriends house so speak to her boyfriend's mum about this as your daughter may elaborate the truth!!!! then make your decision on whether you are happy if she sleeps over there . Hope this helps xx

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