Help!!! My 17 year old son is raging at me when he can't get his way.

Lauri - posted on 11/07/2008 ( 15 moms have responded )

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This has become a pattern. If I say no he waits and asks again. If I still say no he waits then tries to convince me. If I still say no he tries to convince me again. So I've started imposing consequences just for arguing with me. So now, when he sees that he can't get his way he'll follow me around the house screaming at the top of his lungs at me, calling me names, telling me I'm a horrible mom, throwing things, hitting the walls. If I stay calm it just makes him madder. He pushes and pushes and pushes until someone gets hurt or something gets broken.



How do I difuse the situation?

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Lisa - posted on 01/05/2014

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I am living this situation, my son is 18 and temper tantrum is a life, I can no longer live like this, I did call the police more than once, I am seeking help from mental health but not long enough to see any difference, my son is ADD and I feel like I don't want to even come home anymore, its affecting me and my youngest and today just because he had no more smokes things got broken. I am a single mother who does not feel supported and no amount of doing reiki and meditation and taking warm baths seems to help me cause it does not change a thing that is going on at home, I am trying to teach my kids the best I can and its just not enough.

[deleted account]

I have had this issue with my 17 yr old as well, the best thing I have found is to tell him NO once firmly with a short explanation as to why and completely cut him off (calmly) if he tries it again. Of course he waits until his dad is not home to do this. They are obviously struggling with something and it's very frustrating to get boys that age to talk about it. I have had walls, windows, and various items broken as well. He is trying to get a rise out of you and you are ABSOLUTELY correct in remaining calm. Don't show anger and try not to cry!! I would strongly suggest anger management and youth counseling. It has seemed to work for my son--he directs his anger in other ways now and walks away now before he blows up. The next time he blows up like that and starts breaking things, you may want to call your local police and have them come out and talk to him. That too, was an eye opener for my son and let him know that I will absolutely NOT tolerate that behavior. Once again, there are other issues there and you really need to get ot the bottom of it. Rest assured, it happens everywhere and you are not alone. Hope this helps some--just BE STRONG and don't back down. Constantly reminding him you love him, but cannot allow his behavior.

Jamie - posted on 08/09/2011

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My son used to get into my face and challenge me or his dad also b/c he felt he could not only out think us but also take us down(his words) until WE stood against the abuse together. Call it what it is bullying, abuse, disrespect At one point during a very bad temper tantrum by our son he charged his dad and had him pinned to the wall and had his fist in the air I told our son Think very hard about your next actions son there will be three hits you hit my husband, I hit you,you hit the floor (as i had a bat in my hand) then we all will be going to the police, you will go to child services and some where down the line 6 months maybe longer we will be a family with respect for one another. Choices son and the next move is yours b/c you already know what my next action is after you take your swing. He didn't hit his dad and we eventually got things worked out by talking to one another re-building trust telling the truth and say what you mean mean what you say, keep your word and be held accountable for all actions. Our son had a very attentive school counsilor who was also a wrestling coach and a fitness trainer he helped us dearly we were not to proud to discuss with him what was going on in our home We did not allow "the family secret" to be a secret like many people have lived from their pasts everything was open there were no masks worn meaning the social mask VS the behind closed doors mask, in todays day and age Kids don't care how much you know they just need to know how much you care even when caring for them means saying NO and never backing down. God Bless and Good Luck

[deleted account]

Sounds like your son wants you to 'difuse' the situation by giving in to him. Isn't that what all this bad behavior is about? Manipulating you so he can have his own way?

He is trying to control you through his anger.

He may believe that YOU could put a stop to all this if only you would do as he asks. He doesn't WANT to do these things, but you are simply not cooperative.

(He loves you!)

What he (and all people who pull this trick) really needs is someone to hold him accountable for the way he treats you- usually a dad's job.

Accountability and consequences. 17 is almost an adult.

I'm sure he wants to be treated like an adult and it is time to do so: If things are getting broken and people are getting hurt, then the police need to be called. Let me amend that, even if things are NOT getting broken and people are not getting hurt, if he is out of control then the police need to be called and appropriate action taken.



You have to think about what would happen to your son if he behaved this way with a stranger on the street or another student at his school. The police would be called. If he could not control his temper he might be arrested.

If YOU call the police when he is out of control, hopefully when they arrive he can calm down and he can learn from the experience.

He needs to learn to respect you, and if the police are the way to do that, that's ok.

NO PARENT wants to go this route, but in the long run it's better if he learns self control and consequences. I truly believe you aer doing your son and any future family he may have a great service by calling him to account and establishing a 'no tolerance' for violence policy. There are lots of appropriate ways to express anger and he needs to learn some- counseling!

Kristi - posted on 08/09/2011

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Sounds like you need some help from a family counselor. Anger management for your son would be good too. I wouldn't wait until the next round before you get this lined up. Let him know while he is in a calm state of mind that you want to get some help for the family in communicating in a more positive way. Let him know that you feel like you are both part of the problem, not just him, because you are having trouble finding a way to speak with him that doesn't make him angry. You might want to mention this to him in a public place, like a grocery store, so he is not so likely to blow up at you. If finances are a problem, consult with your insurance company to find out if you have benefits for family counseling, and if not, talk with the local YMCA or Salvation Army to find out if there are resources in your area that you can access on a sliding fee scale or free of charge. There very often are! Maybe your son just needs to hear from someone else that he is not alone, and that other parents are also toeing the line until their kids are out of the house on their own. It's natural for kids to want to get their way and stretch their wings. It's not okay for him to verbally abuse you and to damage your home and belongings. He's getting near that point where he wants to be out of the nest. Let him know that your house rules stand while he's there, and they are for the good of the family. Do get help so you can both feel supported in getting through this. Maybe also encourage him to join a youth group or some other place where he can let off steam and talk to others. Everyone needs a place to vent in a healthy way. Good luck! Don't let him continue to upset you or frighten you.

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Amy - posted on 08/07/2011

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When you tell him "no" and keeps trying to persuade you, tell him that you love him too much to argue with him. Then, if he follows you around the house breaking things, tell him that he will have to pay for it. AND FOLLOW THROUGH. Make him repair the walls. Make him pay for things he breaks, either with money or with working it off. Don't let him go out on fun outtings with the family. AND since he is behaving so irresponsibly, hire a sitter when the family goes out & make him pay for the sitter.

Jenny - posted on 08/07/2011

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How do you diffuse the situation? STOP trying to control your almost grown child! I'd be angry if I were him too. The one person who can make his life easy and great is engaging in a power struggle!

[deleted account]

Anger management counseling is definitely the first step!! Mona--don't think I have not broke down cried, screamed, etc--I have, so don't feel your alone there, but if all possible, don't let them see you doing it!! You may need to considering family counseling as well--it somewhat worked for us and being that close to becoming certified "adults" they definately need to realize that in the outside world this behavior will not be tolerated. My son is learning that the hard way!! Good luck and please be strong.

Lauri - posted on 11/09/2008

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thanks for the replies. You know, I think part of the problem is that there are times that it is so hard to keep my own cool. I'm going to start searching for an anger management counselor for him.

Mona - posted on 11/09/2008

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Lori, I appreciate what you are saying about remaining calm and not showing anger and not crying, unfortunately it does not work for me, I burst out crying and I hate myself for this, as it shows weakness. They (my boys - 16 & 17 ) get immune to the anger and crying. I get frustrated and nothing comes out of the discussions. I sometimes feel they are taking over and I have no authority at all. Actually joining in this discussion is my way out to see what I can do to change a) myself b) the situation at home

Keisha - posted on 11/08/2008

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if people are getting hurt i would put him in counseling for anger issues... him verbally abusing u is wrong and he should be punished! if he's hurting people i would threaten to call authorities... u cant let him get away with taht then he will think its acceptable and do it when he's away from home...

Patti - posted on 11/08/2008

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I too have been through problems like that with my son at times. Some things that have worked for me have been having a male adult he respects talking to him. (I'm a single mom and this really helped) Also, at one time when he would not quit following me and trying to provoke me I simply told him if he did not stop, I was going to leave for awhile. He did not stop and I simply left the house and went out for dinner alone. When I came back, he apologized. I agree with what Lori Clark said, remain calm. Sometimes this is easier said than done.

Mona - posted on 11/07/2008

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Lauri, I feel for you, I am in the same situation, but in double pack - and it´s not easy. I don´t have any answer for you, sorry, but would like it if someone did.

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